Okay, yes, its going to be one of those posts. Could use some time to vent if you all don't mind too much. So here goes:
I've been dealing with what I will call "mood cycles" for most of my adult life now. I can tie it back to some problems that I think I have but that is best saved for another discussion. At any rate, I used to bounce between riding high on life and crashing and burning pretty fast and in a serious way. Sometimes a particular event will trigger these changes, sometimes it just happens for reasons I don't understand.
I started tracking my mood by using a spreadsheet to track my mood in the morning and evenings by rating it arbitrarily on a scale of 1 to 10 (obviously 10 being the highest). For the longest streak in my recent history, I've held consistently high numbers, 8 and over. I have felt electric the past few weeks. And I saw no end in sight, I thought maybe that I had finally found a way to break through the slumps in my life because I had changed so many things and accomplished so much.
But over the past few days, I've felt that my heart has been running dry and the plane carrying my emotional high was starting to falter. Last night it failed. I can't explain it, but as I went to bed last night I actually broke down in tears.
As is customary for me I try to over-analyze everything until I find the cause of my "breakdown". I can't put my finger on it, as usual, but I think a lot of it has to do with the silence I feel all around me. Coming to this site and making new friends has been just more awesome than I have time or energy to describe. But sometimes when I step away from the computer and I hear the empty silence around me it rattles my soul in a way I can't ignore.
Yes, I know this is contradictory to my previous posts advocating for emotional independence and keeping your head high and staying strong. Sometimes that is easier said than done. And I still value emotional and social independence for myself, but I don't care for nor advocate for emotional or social isolation. Which is what I feel like I'm dealing with right now but I can't be for sure.
I have a handful of very good friends and I've been spending time with many of them over the past few weeks. Likewise I've been spending time with my family. I've met a new ABDL friend IRL, so my frustration lies in my inability to understand why I feel so isolated, socially and emotionally. I've been radically changing my outlook on life (for the better) and I've been reaching out to more friends and family with the hopes of higher and greater social interaction but it doesn't seem to be fulfilling.
One of the things I have struggled with so much since I ever realized I was an ABDL was that I just wanted that friend, that best friend who you can share so many interests and commonalities with. That friend that is always there for you no matter what and the friend that will stand by you no matter what. I also want to find that friend who is an ABDL. I thought I nearly had this when I met up with someone local who connected well enough with me that we never even felt the need to talk about anything ABDL related as we didn't have time to because we were so busy talking about all the other shared interests we had.
We met up once, and ever since then communication stopped. I thought our meeting went really well but I guess the feeling isn't mutual. I just hate that judgmental feeling I get from the other side sometimes where I'm just not good enough IRL, but I'm good enough to talk to online. What bothers me the most though is that I thought I had finally found the best friend I have been looking for that was also an ABDL. Guess not!
I'm also under a lot of stress both at home and at work. I'm constantly being barraged by this and that and its certainly taken a hell of a toll on me recently. I've not been sleeping hardly, and I have little appetite to speak of. In fact I've lost 10 pounds over the past week or so, and there was one stretch where I went almost 3 days with nothing more than having stuff to drink.
I just want so badly to break free from the cocoon I feel like I'm trapped inside of emotionally. Many things have helped me but I always bounce off of some imaginary ceiling when I get to feeling too good for too long.
So many things are going so well for me right now so I don't know why I should feel like shit. It angers me that I'm going through this right now. I just don't know what to do or why this is happening.
Well, rant over. Thank you to anyone who was kind enough to read through my troubles. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to someone else moan about their first world problems!