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Thread: Hearts Run Dry

  1. #1

    Default Hearts Run Dry

    Okay, yes, its going to be one of those posts. Could use some time to vent if you all don't mind too much. So here goes:

    I've been dealing with what I will call "mood cycles" for most of my adult life now. I can tie it back to some problems that I think I have but that is best saved for another discussion. At any rate, I used to bounce between riding high on life and crashing and burning pretty fast and in a serious way. Sometimes a particular event will trigger these changes, sometimes it just happens for reasons I don't understand.

    I started tracking my mood by using a spreadsheet to track my mood in the morning and evenings by rating it arbitrarily on a scale of 1 to 10 (obviously 10 being the highest). For the longest streak in my recent history, I've held consistently high numbers, 8 and over. I have felt electric the past few weeks. And I saw no end in sight, I thought maybe that I had finally found a way to break through the slumps in my life because I had changed so many things and accomplished so much.

    But over the past few days, I've felt that my heart has been running dry and the plane carrying my emotional high was starting to falter. Last night it failed. I can't explain it, but as I went to bed last night I actually broke down in tears.

    As is customary for me I try to over-analyze everything until I find the cause of my "breakdown". I can't put my finger on it, as usual, but I think a lot of it has to do with the silence I feel all around me. Coming to this site and making new friends has been just more awesome than I have time or energy to describe. But sometimes when I step away from the computer and I hear the empty silence around me it rattles my soul in a way I can't ignore.

    Yes, I know this is contradictory to my previous posts advocating for emotional independence and keeping your head high and staying strong. Sometimes that is easier said than done. And I still value emotional and social independence for myself, but I don't care for nor advocate for emotional or social isolation. Which is what I feel like I'm dealing with right now but I can't be for sure.

    I have a handful of very good friends and I've been spending time with many of them over the past few weeks. Likewise I've been spending time with my family. I've met a new ABDL friend IRL, so my frustration lies in my inability to understand why I feel so isolated, socially and emotionally. I've been radically changing my outlook on life (for the better) and I've been reaching out to more friends and family with the hopes of higher and greater social interaction but it doesn't seem to be fulfilling.

    One of the things I have struggled with so much since I ever realized I was an ABDL was that I just wanted that friend, that best friend who you can share so many interests and commonalities with. That friend that is always there for you no matter what and the friend that will stand by you no matter what. I also want to find that friend who is an ABDL. I thought I nearly had this when I met up with someone local who connected well enough with me that we never even felt the need to talk about anything ABDL related as we didn't have time to because we were so busy talking about all the other shared interests we had.

    We met up once, and ever since then communication stopped. I thought our meeting went really well but I guess the feeling isn't mutual. I just hate that judgmental feeling I get from the other side sometimes where I'm just not good enough IRL, but I'm good enough to talk to online. What bothers me the most though is that I thought I had finally found the best friend I have been looking for that was also an ABDL. Guess not!

    I'm also under a lot of stress both at home and at work. I'm constantly being barraged by this and that and its certainly taken a hell of a toll on me recently. I've not been sleeping hardly, and I have little appetite to speak of. In fact I've lost 10 pounds over the past week or so, and there was one stretch where I went almost 3 days with nothing more than having stuff to drink.

    I just want so badly to break free from the cocoon I feel like I'm trapped inside of emotionally. Many things have helped me but I always bounce off of some imaginary ceiling when I get to feeling too good for too long.

    So many things are going so well for me right now so I don't know why I should feel like shit. It angers me that I'm going through this right now. I just don't know what to do or why this is happening.

    Well, rant over. Thank you to anyone who was kind enough to read through my troubles. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to someone else moan about their first world problems!

    ShibaPawz

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by shibapawz View Post

    I've been dealing with what I will call "mood cycles" for most of my adult life now. I can tie it back to some problems that I think I have but that is best saved for another discussion. At any rate, I used to bounce between riding high on life and crashing and burning pretty fast and in a serious way. Sometimes a particular event will trigger these changes, sometimes it just happens for reasons I don't understand.

    I started tracking my mood by using a spreadsheet to track my mood in the morning and evenings by rating it arbitrarily on a scale of 1 to 10 (obviously 10 being the highest). For the longest streak in my recent history, I've held consistently high numbers, 8 and over. I have felt electric the past few weeks. And I saw no end in sight, I thought maybe that I had finally found a way to break through the slumps in my life because I had changed so many things and accomplished so much.

    But over the past few days, I've felt that my heart has been running dry and the plane carrying my emotional high was starting to falter. Last night it failed. I can't explain it, but as I went to bed last night I actually broke down in tears.

    As is customary for me I try to over-analyze everything until I find the cause of my "breakdown". I can't put my finger on it, as usual, but I think a lot of it has to do with the silence I feel all around me. Coming to this site and making new friends has been just more awesome than I have time or energy to describe. But sometimes when I step away from the computer and I hear the empty silence around me it rattles my soul in a way I can't ignore.

    Yes, I know this is contradictory to my previous posts advocating for emotional independence and keeping your head high and staying strong. Sometimes that is easier said than done. And I still value emotional and social independence for myself, but I don't care for nor advocate for emotional or social isolation. Which is what I feel like I'm dealing with right now but I can't be for sure.

    I have a handful of very good friends and I've been spending time with many of them over the past few weeks. Likewise I've been spending time with my family. I've met a new ABDL friend IRL, so my frustration lies in my inability to understand why I feel so isolated, socially and emotionally. I've been radically changing my outlook on life (for the better) and I've been reaching out to more friends and family with the hopes of higher and greater social interaction but it doesn't seem to be fulfilling.

    One of the things I have struggled with so much since I ever realized I was an ABDL was that I just wanted that friend, that best friend who you can share so many interests and commonalities with. That friend that is always there for you no matter what and the friend that will stand by you no matter what. I also want to find that friend who is an ABDL. I thought I nearly had this when I met up with someone local who connected well enough with me that we never even felt the need to talk about anything ABDL related as we didn't have time to because we were so busy talking about all the other shared interests we had.

    We met up once, and ever since then communication stopped. I thought our meeting went really well but I guess the feeling isn't mutual. I just hate that judgmental feeling I get from the other side sometimes where I'm just not good enough IRL, but I'm good enough to talk to online. What bothers me the most though is that I thought I had finally found the best friend I have been looking for that was also an ABDL. Guess not!


    ShibaPawz
    There is a lot to absorb here, but I'll offer a few thoughts on this piece for now:

    The common thread I see here (note: take with a grain of salt and consider for yourself) is disappointment following expectation. You reach out to friends and family expecting a new level of social interaction, you expected a new friend would be the person you've always looked for, etc. And to be clear, these are very reasonable expectations! But the let-down seems to be a trigger for your more depressed moods. At least, to an outside observer.

    I see our struggles as being similar in this regard... which means I may just be projecting my thinking onto you. Again, grain of salt, take it FWIW...

    Also, I am very familiar with stress-induced anorexia. My record so far was ten days with zero interest in anything solid, recently set...

    Sorry if I am not much help other than being a listening ear. I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine just lately, heh.

  3. #3

    Default

    Wow that is a long time for no eating - mine has been attributed to nerves. And yes, you are right, the common theme here is disappointment. As I've mentioned to others I suffer crushing blows when I'm let down because I consider myself to be extremely loyal and trustworthy (not trying to be arrogant here lol) and I guess I hold others to the same regard. When it doesn't work out, I get defeated. It also probably parallels with my whole idealization and devaluation complex which I've since come to address but it still exists in my personality and creeps into my interpersonal relationships from time to time.

    Thank you for your words though, again it comes down to venting sometimes. I appreciate you looking over this and giving me some feedback.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by shibapawz View Post
    Wow that is a long time for no eating - mine has been attributed to nerves. And yes, you are right, the common theme here is disappointment. As I've mentioned to others I suffer crushing blows when I'm let down because I consider myself to be extremely loyal and trustworthy (not trying to be arrogant here lol) and I guess I hold others to the same regard. When it doesn't work out, I get defeated. It also probably parallels with my whole idealization and devaluation complex which I've since come to address but it still exists in my personality and creeps into my interpersonal relationships from time to time.

    Thank you for your words though, again it comes down to venting sometimes. I appreciate you looking over this and giving me some feedback.
    I'm glad I can help, if only a little.

    An idealization / devaluation complex is something I've never considered. But since we're tracking parallels in our thought processes...

    It is quite possible that in my case the "idealization" aspect is so rare that the pattern is not apparent to me. I just assume most people are scumwaffles, and it takes a LOT to persuade me otherwise, and it mostly happens very gradually. It's when this is no longer gradual that I wind up re-evaluating people down the line, and feeling hurt / used (and quite justifiably so, I might add). "Smoke gets in your eyes," as they say.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  5. #5

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    Thank you, Sapphyre.
    Last edited by shibapawz; 05-Jun-2015 at 02:34.

  6. #6

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    I may be way off base, but given the swings in mood, have you considered that you might be bi-polar? If it continues, I'd see a psychologist or a psychiatrist because bi-polar disorder can be devastating. That said, it is treatable. Feeling betrayed by friends could also be a sign of Borderline Personality disorder, though that's usually accompanied by emotional outbursts, self harming, and some other symptoms.

    If you're not sleeping well, that could put you in a low key or depressed mood. One has to have adequate sleep to feel well and be healthy. These are just my rambling thoughts so I may be terribly wrong, but if the mood swings continue, you should see a doctor at the very least.

  7. #7

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    I agree with dogboy. It seems like these feeling have been going on for a while now so checking in with a doctor would be a good first step. There may be a physiological reason that can be treated. I read one of your recent posts how you believed music saved your life. It reminded me of my own statements about how running had saved mine. I know how low I was feeling when I started running, and although the need isn't as desperate now, it still helps me maintain my mental health and fends off depression. Not sleeping, not eating are symptoms, often associated with depression, and you need to treat the cause to eliminate the symptoms. Even if it turns out there's nothing wrong physically, then at least you can rule out that probability and focus on the other aspects of your life. We all have periods in our life when we're under stress, either at home or at work or both, and it can affect us physically, not to mention our outlook on the world. You shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

    I've also read a number of your posts. You have such a beautiful, insightful way of looking at the world, with great sensitivity. You have a gift. I hope you get back to where you want to be. If you've been disappointed in a relationship, or not finding that special someone, I have no doubt that it will come to you in time. You certainly deserve it.

    Hugs and hope, my friend.

  8. #8

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    I'll first say that Dogboy and Starrunner are right in that the medical possibilities need to be examined, verified or debunked. There are several people on Mrs. Maxx's side of the family with those sorts of problems. With the proper treatment, they're totally fine, great people. When they stray off the meds, or into alcohol or other substances...kerflooey, waking up in a forest preserve sleeping under a pile of leaves.

    On the other hand, endorphins are a wonderful medicine if you're physically able to do longer physical efforts. The great Scott Tinley once said "There's very little that can't be fixed by a snappy 10 mile run". Even at my age, when sleep problems are the rule rather than the exception, a hard 2 or 3 hours on my bike guarantees a solid 8 hours sleep whether I want it or not.

    As a mood enhancer, a long hard training day, or better still a race, can leave me buzzing for as long as several days.

  9. #9

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    Having high times and low times is part of life as I'm sure you know that already of course. Don't be fooled by people that look like they're always happy, because everybody has mood swings (the more extreme version is being bi-polar obviously).

    My advice is when you feel like that to just accept those feelings as just that, completely normal and temporary. Don't try to run away or distract yourself from them. And try not to hold on to the good times as well, because they inevitably end, and not accepting that or fighting it can actually make the bad moments badder.

  10. #10

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    Thank you all for your kind and insightful responses and kind words.

    I'd like to take the opportunity to provide everyone a response and an update.

    Last night was a difficult night for sure. A very good new friend of mine (you know who you are) helped me out a lot. I've often wondered if I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Disorder but now that I've gotten some additional insight I don't think that I do. I think I associate more with Manic Depressive now...but I still need to do some research there. The biggest thing is that I've been pointed in the direction of looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to help address some of my problems.

    Over the past 24 hours, I've been employing what little I know about CBT but I'm staying aware of my thoughts and feelings and trying to recognize those moments when I am running on the extreme. Usually these thoughts that run into the extreme are what push me into the pit of unhappiness and trigger long periods of depression.

    I can proudly say that I've mostly recovered/rebounded since last night which is completely unprecedented for me. I suppose just trying to rationalize my at times irrational thoughts and feelings has been a large help to me. While I still feel strongly about some of the things I said before (ie needing good friendship and disappointment, etc.) I know try to look at them in a different light, one that is more rational and decisive rather than impulsive and extreme.

    I'm hoping that I will continue to stay in a positive place. Ever since I came here and ever since I met some new friends I can say with confidence that my positivity in life has been at an all time high and I feel much happier and more confident about who I am (ABDL side included) and where I'm going in life. I still have a lot of work to do but I just wanted to take the time to thank each and every one of you for your very kind words and attentiveness. This proves that this is such a wonderful community to be a part of.

    ShibaPawz

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