I'm starting my second-ever online post to ask for opinions as to what you think about my situation as a diaper lover and a sissy, because I've never really been able to talk to anyone about this in the past. After writing this, I've come to realise that this seems slightly incoherent and all-over-the-place, and that it is an extraordinarily long post when compared to what I've seen on ADISC. If you read the whole thing, I congratulate you. Please feel free to ask me questions - they will help me
Firstly, I would like to say that I'm not so sure I am in love with the word "sissy". I understand why that word is used to describe people with interests and fetishes like myself, but being a 21 year old male who has always been mature for my age, I feel that it's a bit demeaning, and perhaps even condescending. The definition of a sissy is apparently "a person regarded as effeminate or cowardly".
I don't believe I'm cowardly at all, but I would say that I display traits perhaps regarded as effeminate. I receive practically no enjoyment from the idea of wearing a diaper or item of clothing of young boys, but find it massively thrilling to do the same for girls' items. On that note, I enjoy wearing bras designed for teenagers, but am not sucked in by the idea of wearing a mature woman's bra.
I can't quite remember when diapers and girl's clothing became such a big hit for me, but I know that it started when I was quite young (in the first half of primary school in New Zealand terms). I remember being friends with a girl in school, and going for a swim at the beach with her. We returned to my house after that swim, and following her departure found that she had left her bikini top and bottom behind. Through some daring and cheeky train of thought, I decided it would be a good idea to try them on, and I felt amazing. It wasn't a feeling comparable to driving fast or kissing a girl for the first time, and sat in some arbitrary space of "feeling alive". In some time following this, some section of my mind began to register this as being "wrong" with respect to what I had been taught was right in a social and behavioural context, and so I told my parents about it. My dad was the one who provided the most feedback, and he was adamant that I should see a psychologist, while my mum remained on the neutral-yet-concerned podium. Not much has changed since then, aside from the fact that I definitely do not see a psychologist, I am aware of what I enjoy and what it means with respect to the world, I can buy my own clothes and diapers, and I know how to keep things a secret.
To touch down on the topic of sexual preference, I am not and never have considered myself to be gay or have any interest in men beyond friendship (thus am completely straight). My sexuality has never been something that has concerned me or confused me beyond the fact that I have a fetish and attachment to girls' clothing and sanitary items. I have had sex with girls (which I have most certainly enjoyed), and have had more than two long-term relationships. I intend to marry and have children at some future point in my life.
My interest in girls' clothing items covers panties, bras, skirts, spaghetti-strap singlets, tights, hair clips, and dresses. I mostly find myself wearing girls' panties out of the others, mostly because that's what I find most intimate, and it's something I can wear discretely and without much fuss and hassle. As mentioned before, I only enjoy wearing "girls" underwear, and not that of a woman's. I don't know why this is, and this has never changed. Patterns and pretty designs have always drawn me in, and I have no problem with candy colours such as pink and blue, and find them beautiful.
My interest in girls' sanitary items covers pads, panties, panty-liners, and diapers (if you wish to consider that in the list). My fascination with sanitary items started when I worked at a farm during intermediate school (called middle or junior high in the US and Canada), when I found pads tucked away in a nonchalant bag in one of the toilets. I recognised what it was, but had never used one. Having put it away only to return to take it out again several hours later, I decided it would be interesting to try one on. I'm unsure as to whether this is because I lacked the knowledge of how to use one or whether I wanted to try something really different, but I stuck the pad to myself instead of to my underwear (upside down, same place). I will admit that this still feels good to this day, but nonetheless that's how it began. Later on when I began to buy my own pads, I used them properly and enjoyed the genuine feeling of doing something just like a girl. Around the time of discovering pads, I also came across tampons in the same place. Not knowing what I should make of them given the fact that I am a biological male, I later attempted to insert them into my rectum, only to find that it was quite painful and uncomfortable, though very exciting to think about as a concept. Later on, I began to use applicators and lubricant to make the process easier and more bearable, but obviously still don't find that it tops pads when it comes to comfort. Nowadays, I don't find myself investing in sanitary products (or many other things), but still enjoy the idea of it, and have never found that to stop.
One thing that has always frustrated and annoyed me is my sexual attachment to wearing girls' clothing, using sanitary items, and imagining/considering myself as a girl. It isn't the sexual attachment itself which has caused said frustration, but more the fact that it renders itself as a temporary state of mind: as soon as I masturbate, the desire to be feminine and use girls' products reduces drastically, and can sometimes disappear entirely. This was considerably worse when I was younger, but still happens to a degree today. If I have a sexual attachment, I can accept this and work around it by understanding it. If I don't, then my life becomes easier and less complicated on a social front. However, it doesn't seem to be a consistent factor in my life, and leaves me conflicted and confused as to how I should feel about my fetish and the things I do with these items. Do you feel the same on the sexual attachment front? I should note that this is also only to do with "girl" items, and not "woman" items.
To add to the problem of having sexual attachment, I have had several periods of time in my life when I have had enough of the mercurial back-and-forward of not being able to decide what I want, like, and feel, and have disposed of all girl products as a result. This has happened several times in the past, and has cumulatively resulted in me ridding of a large number of bras, panties, pads, skirts, and so on. Not only has this been financially harmful and emotionally draining, but it has also led me back to the same place every single time - square one of wanting more and more, and being excited by girls' things only to wonder if I'm going to dispose of everything at some future stage of my life.
One of my long-term girlfriends learnt about my association with panties and bras through admission on my part, and no doubt knew that I was conflicted and embarrassed about it. She was not particularly pleased about this. I shared her displeasure at the time (and still now to an extent), hoping that she would provide some form of acceptance or guidance. She said that I should get rid of it if it was causing me so much trouble, and never go back to it again. I started the process by following her advice, but like a true addict I found myself returning to that infamous square one again. As much as I loved her and as much as I wanted to live a "normal" life where "normal" consists of not changing my mind and having scattered emotions every one/two weeks, I couldn't render the strength and control to follow through with my promise. I still respect her for taking an unbiased view and for putting aside her concern and disliking to the subject as a whole. The point that I take from this portion of my story is that the association that I form with girls' items has overthrown a very strong love I've had in my life, and I see this as a direct result of misunderstanding the cause and reason of this association.
Enjoying wearing girls' panties and wearing diapers somewhat conflicts with my planned life of having children and a wife some day, and has so far most definitely conflicted with my girlfriends in the past. I have been aware of this for some years now, but have never actioned this thought to the extent that I have not used it as an incentive to stop buying and using things. I have however found that being happy in a relationship and performing sexual activities with girls has somewhat dimmed the need to mess with girls' things, and has even caused me to go through the throw-away cycles mentioned previously several times. This hints to me that my association with the items is used as some form of stress relief, or a gap-filler if viewed from the perspective of a calendar or what makes one happy in life.
So why do I love girls' things so much? If someone can connect my mind to a human brain calculator and give me the globally correct answer, I would be forever in their debt. I get the feeling that something that happened to me when I was young has caused me to use girls' things as a coping mechanism for periods of time in my life when I feel extra stress and pressure, or when I'm feeling lonely. I'm an only child, so loneliness becomes more likely to be the reason in that regard.
Along with the association of being gay and sissies (which in this case refers to those who likes girls' clothes), I dislike the common association that I've seen floating around which links pedophilia to sissies. Though I've never discussed this matter in full detail with anyone in the past, I know for a certain fact that having a sexual association and gaining excitement from using girls' items does not link one to being a pedophile. I've worked with teaching children skills in the past (in a proper job for several years), and have never once considered them in a sexual light. My intentions only stem to inanimate objects (i.e. clothing). Although I do find the fact that an item used by a girl is more desirable than unused item, this does not then relay to any desires or intentions with that girl. Paraphrased from a post on ADISC, diapers should not have their designs categorised by the age group that they are targeted towards. I understand why companies work using this method from a business perspective, but I believe that it is morally conducive to upset from a potentially large audience. I'll avoid going on a tangent, and conclude my point by saying that any association from sissy-like behaviour to pedophilia doesn't make sense in my situation.
One factor that has been a hindering factor in my "storyline" of using girls' items is how I see myself from a third-person perspective. I respect my appearance and how I conduct myself in a public situation. I enjoy wearing relatively formal clothing such as suits, and am also vocally formal. I like to be a father figure to people, staying on neutral and providing unbiased advice to help people when I can. If I imagine what it would be like to see the "me behind the scenes" from the perspective of someone who knew "me as a public figure", I would be somewhat devastated and shocked, and the regard with which I held the father-figure would be somewhat warped. It could perhaps be called a "wake-up from my reverie", which is somewhat disappointing after I've been living as a girl.
If you are in a similar situation, or you have any questions or comments about what I've written, please let me know! This is very new for me, and it would be nice to not feel alone on this front