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Thread: Why am I the way I am?

  1. #1

    Default Why am I the way I am?

    I've been a ABDL most of my life, no clue why, diapers are something I've always liked, is there any specific reason why I'm an ABDL? is it a personality thing, is it because deep down I still want to be a child and not know it? Do any other ABDLs know why there ABDL? what causes one to be ABDL? Is it something that we are born with? I tend to be over protective when It comes to my little brothers, does that have something to do with wanting to be a child deep down, and I'm not ready to accept that yet?

    What I find hard to do is accept myself for who I am, because I feel like its a bad thing, I know its not, but my brain disagrees, I sometimes feel guilty for who I am, even though I shouldn't be, a part of me accepts it, while another part doesn't, Its not something I choose, Its just something that has happened, I love diapers, diapers are who I am, I just have troubles accepting it however, I somewhat also feel confused about my gender, I sometimes picture myself as a adult princess in a dress and a diaper doing girly things, which deep down I want to be doing, But I don't mind being a male, I just feel like my body isn't mine, Its a bit hard to explain my feelings, ever since i started cross dressing, I've felt more feminine and have enjoyed it, it makes me happy and makes me feel like me.

    I know this is more talking, but I'll brake it down into a few questions, here goes.

    Why am i an AB/DL?
    Am i trans?
    Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be a girl?
    Why am I having a hard time accepting me as me?
    Why is it at times, I feel blank, and have no clue who I am?

    This is kinda personal to me, and don't know many people and I have to talk and get this off my chest, sorry if it seems all over the place.

  2. #2


    You post such proverbial questions. Well, don't we all?

    Such is the journey we are all on: Who am I really?

    My humble advice would be to not hurry it (life). Enjoy it's complexities. Embrace it's subtleties. Entertain it's nuances.

    It's enticing to try to put labels or definition on ourselves' before we completely understand all that we are comprised of, or wish to be, but there is no shame in having no label attached.

    Acceptance is not necessarily found outwardly but inwardly. We can find a more serene sense of peace once we embrace who we feel like inside before seeking affirmation from others. If outward feedback becomes paramount, we can struggle to find definition in our own lives. This inward self-definition plays a large part of what may stunt us or offer growth.

    Bluntly said: there may be no answer to "why?" What may be more pertinent is how we can honestly take the time to define our own desires.

    Really, there is no rush.

  3. #3


    The question why isn't that helpful. The answer is that you were born with some predisposition to make an object attachment at an early age and some coincidence of circumstances caused that attachment to form around diapers and other things associated with early childhood. But I suspect that doesn't really help you.

    I think, when people ask why, they're really looking for deeper meaning. It would be comforting to know that all the suffering and fear that each of us goes through is part of a larger plan. If you believe in God, or perhaps destiny, it can even be fit into such a plan.

    Let me offer this thought, which I think applies whether you're religious or not: being ABDL makes you a more sensitive person and it can make you a stronger one. You have a secret that you're ashamed about, and it's a pretty large, long-lasting secret. But having to deal with that shame and anxiety that you feel may make you more understanding of other people's problems. You can understand what it's like to feel rejected or worry that others won't accept you, and because you understand those things, you may have an opportunity to help other people who feel the same way for some reason. In addition, as you learn to accept yourself as yourself, I think you can gain a lot of confidence. Compared to coming to terms with something as big and long-lasting as ABDL, the small problems of daily life are practically nothing, right?

    Also, last thought: don't worry about labels. Worry about discovering what you enjoy. If that's changing genders, that's fine. You might only like certain aspects of traditionally girl things, but not others. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, you can explore freely and try to learn about yourself.

    Good luck!

  4. #4


    Quote Originally Posted by cozycandyfly View Post
    Why am i an AB/DL?

    Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be a girl?
    This is most likely due to imprinting, which is basically like what ArchieRoni was talking about. Our gender identity, sexual orientation, and most sexual preferences are dealt to us in the first 5 years of our life because of god/evolution/nature. You didn't cause it, you couldn't prevent, and it isn't your fault.

    Why am I having a hard time accepting me as me?
    Why is it at times, I feel blank, and have no clue who I am?
    Because you are a normal human being so you are concerned about things that seem to be abnormal in yourself. And it appears you like to ponder existential questions. That's cool.

    Humans are susceptible to a wide range of desires. Some desires are more rare in people than others, and the rarer ones could be called "abnormal", but they are all still part of natural human development.

  5. #5


    Going to try to answer your questions in a more typical way, excuse the answers. ♥

    1. Why am I an AB/DL?

    Because it makes you happy? I certainly hope so. I think that's why.. I mean, I think that's the reason that counts? The guilt is hard.. but you aren't doing anything wrong. You're just finding things that make you happy..

    2. Am I trans?

    Do you want to be? The only one who can answer this question truly is you. ♥ If you want to be, you are. If you don't.. you aren't. At least for now.

    3. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be a girl?

    This is probably the most complicated of your questions. Some people theorize that girls like me.. we were born with something that biologically caused our brains to be 'female' and not match our bodies. If that's true, maybe the same is with you.. but ultimately I wouldn't let that sort of thing affect you so much. I wouldn't worry so much about the why's and I would just search through your feelings right now. Being feminine is nice.. but you mentioned specifically you don't mind being male. You say that presenting yourself feminine makes you feel more you though... so that's the best start. Maybe you are somewhere in between with genders. Maybe you are a trans woman. Maybe you are a man who enjoys feminine things and presenting feminine! There possibles are numerous and the only one who can decide who you are.. is you. Whatever decision you make is going to be a good one though.

    4. Why am I having a hard time accepting me as me?

    I know the feeling.. and I think we all do. I can't speak for you, but for me.. it always mostly came from a worry that people wouldn't accept me or love me anymore. I would convince myself I was just bothering people.. but being yourself isn't a bother. It isn't going to ruin anyone's day. The only day this stuff affects is yours. The only person's days that are getting ruined are yours. So you have to find yourself and you should love who you are.. because life is too short to spend it living a life that isn't really yours. There are lots of reasons for the gulit thing, but I think ultimately one of the most important things to remember is that this is YOUR life, YOUR body, and YOURself. It's alright to be 'selfish'..

    Why is it at times, I feel blank, and have no clue who I am?

    It happens to a lot of us as well. I remember those feelings I always described as feeling numb. Again, I can only speak for me.. but when I was discovering a lot about myself there was just times that I was feeling things so strongly ALL THE TIME and running through all these complex and confusing thoughts that I just needed to turn myself off once in a while. Well that's at least part of it.. but also I kinda felt the need to turn myself off because I kept telling myself that the world would be happier if I just stopped with all these feelings and sort of let myself be what everyone wanted.. and it's not a happy feeling.

    But the main thing I wanted to say was that it's okay. It's okay to be an AB/DL or not. It's okay to be trans.. or not. It's okay to feel like a girl, or not! It's okay to have self doubt, or feel blank sometimes. Take your time cozycandyfly. Give yourself what it needs. Find what makes you happy. I find personally that sometimes we want to know why we became this way mostly as a way of relieving guilt or blame for our decisions. The feeling that it's okay to be an AB/DL or trans if you scientifically couldn't help being so. I think it's okay to be those things in any capacity.. even if there is no "reason" for being so.

  6. #6


    Me too kind of i just had to accept it i couldn't for 6 years or 5 now finally did the Understanding Infantilism site helped me accept it.

  7. #7


    I've read though all the posts, and I'm going to take it slowly and explore myself more, and try to come to an agreement mentally with who I am, I somewhat think I might be actually transgender, and my female side wants to come out, my female side tends to be emotional, while my male side tends to be pride and not display my emotions, I'm eventually going to have to accept myself for who I am, but that might take me some time. Thanks

    Scientifically I know its okay to be who I am, I have a deistic / naturalistic view on everything, I see the universe as something God created and stepped back for us to explore and take our own paths though complex evolution over the years, so I don't feel like its wrong in the eyes my "God" as he doesn't interfere or have anything to do with the universe since the creation of it, however that's my view, and everyone has a different views.

    I might do some more exploitation and meditation to come to terms on who I am, deep down, as I feel deep down, I'm a female trapped in a males body, and have a male aspect to my gender, however my female side doesn't want to show herself but does when I'm alone, The more I explore, the more my body doesn't feel like its mine, its quite awkward, I legit now feel like I'm supposed to have a girls body, and supposed to be wearing girls clothes.

    I've come to the conclusion, I'm a she, I'm a female, with male aspects to her, I'm a princess girl.

    I'm going to have to take some time to accept myself, no clue how long that will take, but eventually I will have to accept myself for who I am, just not ready to just yet, thank you for all your input.


    Okay, I've come to the conclusion, when I'm in my AB states I'm a female, I'm male when I'm not in my AB state, not sure if that makes any sense, so when I'm doing my AB/TB related stuff, I'm female, but when I'm not I'm a male, sometimes my little self shows herself, such as this post ahaha even if I'm not in my AB/DL state. so... I figured that part out, I'm not sure what the correct term is, lets say younger self / when I'm a little, I'm a princess girl, so I'm both male and female.

    I've worked out that my younger self / little likes girly diapers, girly clothes ect, and wants a girly body ects, and by wearing girly clothes and diapers, it makes my younger self show herself, rather weird, but thats the conclusion I've come to so far. and my normal self, likes diapers, hmm this is rather interesting.
    Last edited by cozycandyfly; 30-Apr-2015 at 01:07. Reason: conclusion

  8. #8


    I also believe God had made the big bang and then let nature take its course. He's here to give us hope and miracles.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by BordercollieTrigger View Post
    I also believe God had made the big bang and then let nature take its course. He's here to give us hope and miracles.
    that's somewhat similar to what I believe in, however I'm not a believer of pray or miracles, I do pray, I just don't ask for anything, its more of like a thank you, rather then asking for forgiveness or anything like that, I don't believe in miracles however, It's a rather complex subject for me to explain, I think that if a miracle happens, it was already supposed to happen as it was part of Gods plan, and that praying wouldn't of done anything to change it, in a sense, I don't believe in an out of the blue miracle, I think that miracle was something that he had already planned for them, for whatever reason that maybe, weather it be to teach us that life is short and we should make the most of it, or that there can be good people in the world, however even though I don't believe in miracles and interference by God, some deists do, though the views depend on each deist, I however think the universe is what in some way grants the "miracles".

  10. #10


    Quote Originally Posted by BordercollieTrigger View Post
    I also believe God had made the big bang and then let nature take its course. He's here to give us hope and miracles.
    Amen, and I aggree.

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