Has anyone ever felt like they've simply had their fill of this sort of thing?
(There's a bit of relationship ranting in here; A lot of ranting in general. My apologies in advance, in case I fail to make any sense)
I speak as someone who, for a long while, desired to find a happier place through the safety of certain "AB/DL" tedencies. I would would suppose the past 3-4 years or so. There were times in which I downplayed its importance (purge), and other times when I grossly overstated it ("Its been here for years!", "I need this!"), but since the beginning of this year, something deep within me has caused a newfound distaste for the subject. A disgust, almost. Let me explain.
For me, this "interest" has always been about feeling like the world can't hurt you. For feeling that heartbreak doesn't exist, that childhood can last forever (in the off-times you choose to enjoy it). The feeling of adoration, of being far removed from the things that sought to hurt me. If all that makes sense. There's simply something comforting about running to a familiar place to hide, where you know that nothing can get you.
There's nothing wrong with liking those happy things, but perhaps finding shelter in the past, in an object, or truly in other people (caretakers, relationships, close friends, parents, whatever your poison) inhibits one's ability to grow; and in not growing, the pressures I've attempted to avoid grow only stronger, knocking me down even harder when I'm finally forced to face them again. This has been my first year living on my own, and it's... opened my eyes to some things, especially since January, as I no longer have a roommate.
I feel like the entire situation; Of being involved with the subject (anything pertaining to things that fall under the "AB/DL" umbrella), or being involved with other people who are, is dragging me further downward, when I need to be picking myself up. This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. Since August of 2014, everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I lost my relationship, almost lost my mother, and I don't even want to talk about school; I'm still here, still going, and fine... but it's been so nightmarish that there have been times where I feel like I would have much rather been dead. Unexpected people have stepped forward to pick me back up in some capacity, and I feel like I won't be single for very much longer (the person in question truly surprising me, as I would've never imagined). She's aware of this secret of mine, but expressed confusion, and I think it was at that moment that I expressed some confusion of my own. Why am I doing this? Those positive, "safe" feelings that I once felt have all but faded now... It's like, I tried it, and kept trying it, but have now reached the point where I see no significant returns, no value, no point. And I'd much rather be strong, respected, and mature; and have someone who is the same, to be my equal. And I'm sick of dealing with little girls, which is an argument I couldn't make until I let go of these sorts of things. They're sweet people, but a happy relationship does not that scenario make; I've tried it many times now.
All of that being said, though, I feel I should wrap this up with some good ol' tl;dr for the folks back home:
Being "AB/DL" (if this is even the correct term) made me feel like I am running or hiding from my problems, as opposed to facing them head on; therefore, I found it to be unhealthy, even though I was rather infrequent in my involvement of it. Childhood was rough; I don't want to cry "poor me", but perhaps there may be things about myself that I don't know yet, or that I can't see... counseling may fix that. So, the reason I'm here right now is to discuss this feeling that I'm having at the moment; Maybe I haven't worded it right, I'm not sure. Please do feel free to correct me.