I'm 21 years old and when I first turned 11 years old I dressed up in my mom's panties and dress then ejaculated for the first time inside of them. Growing up I was always a typical boy, I liked sports, action figures, video games, hung out with other boys, etc. But I do remember now when I was really young I used to have pretty sexual dreams of becoming a Powerpuff girl and dressing how they did.
I've never masturbated in my life until this year(seriously) and the first time it worked for me was when I was wearing a diaper. Since then I started to buy female clothes and using those to get off in and i'm kind of bored of diapers at the moment but it always comes back.
My main fear is that i'm in denial about being transgender. The thought of it just urks me, not that there's anything wrong with it but my mind has the tenancy to look way more into things than it should and cause me MAJOR distress to the point where I can't even operate normally. Like, for example when I wore diapers I was afraid I was a pedophile or gay.
I'm okay with my male body because that's what i'm comfortable with and I don't care about being called a he/she and never really put much thought into it. However, there have been times where I thought to myself I wanted to be a real, genetically born(with chromosomes) girl just so I could wear the clothes and feel feminine. My sex drive seems to go almost hand in hand with my crossdressing though. I never wanted to take hormones because
I wouldn't want to ruin my good looking male body and never be able to go back to the way I was but I do feel more feminine in some aspects of life. I'm a prettyboy you could say and I'm really sensitive and shy.
But anyway, I'm just not sure if my crossdressing is tied to sexual urges or subconsciously i'm just in denial and actually do want to become a full time woman.. the thought of this just scares me. I just become so ashamed of myself when I crossdress and get done masturbating because I wonder to myself "why am I really doing this?". I mean i'm not gonna lie, if I transitioned and was anything less than a hot chick i'd be really angry because in a way when I crossdress that's what I imagine myself as.