Hi everyone, I'm looking for some relationship advice and asking here because my girlfriend is an ab/dl and I'm new to the scene.
Basically we met, really hit it off, and started officially dating after our 4th or 5th time out. She told me early on about her fetish, thinking I would be shocked. I didn't think it was a very big deal. I guess you could refer to me as vanilla since I don't personally have a fetish, but I've experimented a lot, enjoy a lot of things that definitely wouldn't be considered vanilla, and am pretty open minded. While my girlfriend is a long-time member of the fetish community and refers to herself as "kinky", she is also a virgin. She has had long relationships, but they were with people who really only cared about the fetish, so never pushed her for sex. I found this out early as well and was fine with waiting, but also made it clear from the beginning that a sexual relationship was extremely important to me at some point. She wasn't necessarily waiting for anything other than the "right person", and was only waiting to have intercourse, not any sexual act in general, so I was fine with that. Sex is important to me when in a relationship, but I'm not the least bit interested in sex with someone that doesn't matter to me, so waiting was no issue. She said that at one time she had sworn off dating "vanilla" guys, but that in recent years she had begun to want something more serious and adult, and that lately guys that are into the fetish make her feel extremely fetishised and objectified and she had begun to resent the fetish. She said it would always be important to her, though. I was also looking for something serious, and told her I didn't find the fetish weird or to be a turn off at all. She is from a small town down south and I am from a big city, so I think people where I'm from are a bit more open-minded. It really didn't seem that strange to me.
Fast forward a year, and we are now living together. I love her like crazy, and she says the same about me. She asked me to move in. The relationship is great, other than the fact we still haven't had sex. Of any kind. She has never even touched me in a sexual way. We have talked about it and she says she wants to, but is scared. She said "soon" months ago. She was pretty open about talking sex at the beginning of the relationship, but now completely closes off if the subject is brought up. If I say anything sexual or touch her in a sexual way in bed, she says nothing, closes her eyes, and pulls her knees up to her chest. She has never been abused in any way, if that's what you were thinking. I know I was. She says lack of a sex life is pretty common in the AB/DL community and that this is new to her, since most previous partners only cared about the fetish and rarely wanted any kind of sexual intimacy.
If I try to talk about it, she acts as if I'm pointing out her failures and we get into an argument. Since she has never had sex I don't expect it, and have made it clear it would be an amazing gift and she is by no means obligated to give it to me. But I want SOME kind of sex life. Some kind of intimacy. She says this is the way she wants it so she is forced to "take the plunge" and have sex at some point soon. But this has been going on for almost a year now, and I'm going crazy. I don't masturbate when I'm in relationships, so it has been over a year now for me. She also sleeps shirtless in her panties (or a diaper), which drives me absolutely insane. Half the time I can't sleep. It would be a lot easier if she was waiting until getting engaged or married for sex, because then there would be a reason.
She has told me in the past that the only act that really turns her on is the fetish, which we have indulged in together. I used to initiate a lot, but she often seemed embarassed and unenthused about doing it with me and she will never suggest it (she says the guy should always initiate), so it has kind of dwindled off. The fetish also involves her getting naked, which is a huge turn on for me with no payoff.....so while I find it enjoyable, that's another reason I don't suggest it anymore. It's really not even that there is no payoff.....it's that there is no sexual relationship, so it's really hard for me to get turned on like that and then NEVER have release. I know she has had sexual relationships of some kind in the past despite never having intercourse with previous boyfriends, so the fact that she doesn't want one with me is really upsetting. I've made this clear to her, but she doesn't want to talk about it. As far as the fetish, I DID enjoy it a lot. I also told her not to be afraid to tell me what she liked and what I was doing wrong since I was new to it.
I've also suggested to make it easier we take intercourse off the table for awhile so she doesn't have to worry about it. I would be fine with that, as I've never expected her to give that to me. If she decides to, that would be an amazing gift, but it has never been expected. She says that's the way she wants it, though. Intercourse or nothing. So in the meantime, I feel like my needs are being ignored....and I truly feel like it will never happen. Or at least if I don't press the issue hard, it wont. But if I pressure her into it, it becomes meaningless, because then I feel like she didn't actually WANT to.
She is really open about sex except when it comes to us. She spends a lot of time on fetish sites. She has had sexual relationships in the past (sans intercourse) with people she was far less serious with than me. She has also done nude modeling and fetish modeling. She also acts like it's no big deal for a guy to go a year without sex. But then she gets upset when she's sleeping naked and I turn over because it's driving me insane and I don't hold her at night. I'm just really frustrated and confused and wondering if I'm out of line here and being unreasonable or if my feelings are valid....
Another issue is she likes a lot of attention. Hugging, cuddling, touching, etc.....from me. But she doesn't reciprocate. At all. She rarely touches me when we're alone other than to lay against me. It's a big deal and a rare thing if she even touches my arm or leg. She, however, is all over me when we're out in public. I don't get it...and if I bring it up, again, it's me "not being happy" with her.
Anyway, you get the picture. I love the girl like crazy, but I'm not getting what I need from the relationship and feel like I've waited long enough and proven myself. More troubling is the fact that she doesn't seem to care. She knows this is an issue but acts as if she's oblivious. She likes and expects me to touch her.....but if it gets sexual in any way, she moves my hand away and completely shuts down.
Just a side note....I don't mean to be arrogant, but I'm a well above average looking guy with a great career, so the fact that she seems completely uninterested in sex or touching of any kind is completely new to me. I mean, I'll get out of the shower naked and she doesn't even glance in my direction. I'll have my shirt off and she doesn't do things like touch me. She isn't asexual, either, because she masturbates fairly often.....but doesn't want me involved. Even when we indulge in the fetish, she doesn't want me to touch her sexually despite being turned on because she wants it to be intercourse or nothing.......which I was fine with at one point, but as it goes on it's really hard for me and makes it feel like she doesn't care about what I need.
I just keep thinking "just a little longer, she said soon". I don't want to press her because an argument will ensue and then if we have sex, it won't be entirely by her choice. I don't want a relationship where she is forced to do it out of fear of losing me, I want something where she enjoys it too. I keep trying to create scenarios where she is comfortable.....from romantic weekends away to nights in watching movies wearing a diaper. I go to great lengths to create the perfect evening, but it's always the same. I touch her (romantically but only slightly sexually), she doesn't reciprocate but obviously likes the attention since if I'm not affectionate she gets upset and asks me what is wrong (although if I tell her it's an instant argument, so I say "nothing"), we go to bed, she cuddles up close to me, I make the move or tell her I want her, she says nothing, she closes her eyes, moves out of the position we were in so she is inaccessible, then goes to sleep without a word. I've told her that not saying anything in response makes me feel like she will never be interested, so for a couple weeks she would say "soon". Then that stopped and she says nothing again.
I ask her what I can do, and she says "nothing".....she says she is happier than she has ever been, that she is lucky to have me, that I mean everything to her, and that she is afraid I'll get sick of her and leave. She also says she is extremely attracted to me and that I'm by far the best looking guy she has ever dated. BUT I just don't understand if all this is the case why she doesn't even touch me. And it's excruciatingly frustrating that she doesn't want to go with my suggestion of tabling intercourse for now and starting with just some intimate touching.
I'm not sure what to do. One of the last times we argued about it I said we should hold off on moving in together because she didn't know if she wanted a regular sexual relationship and that was something I needed. She said she didn't want to hold off, that she loved me and that she knew a sex life was something I needed, was a dealbreaker, and that it would happen soon. She said she actually wanted sex for the first time in her life. So I went ahead, moved in together......and now, again, it has been months and it doesn't seem like she ever wants that type of relationship. And it seems like she either doesn't care or is completely oblivious to my frustration.
Any advice on the subject would be welcomed from those that have experience with the fetish. Thanks all.