Page 1 of 6 12345 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 55

Thread: AB/DL Relationship/Sex Advice

  1. #1

    Default AB/DL Relationship/Sex Advice

    Hi everyone, I'm looking for some relationship advice and asking here because my girlfriend is an ab/dl and I'm new to the scene.

    Basically we met, really hit it off, and started officially dating after our 4th or 5th time out. She told me early on about her fetish, thinking I would be shocked. I didn't think it was a very big deal. I guess you could refer to me as vanilla since I don't personally have a fetish, but I've experimented a lot, enjoy a lot of things that definitely wouldn't be considered vanilla, and am pretty open minded. While my girlfriend is a long-time member of the fetish community and refers to herself as "kinky", she is also a virgin. She has had long relationships, but they were with people who really only cared about the fetish, so never pushed her for sex. I found this out early as well and was fine with waiting, but also made it clear from the beginning that a sexual relationship was extremely important to me at some point. She wasn't necessarily waiting for anything other than the "right person", and was only waiting to have intercourse, not any sexual act in general, so I was fine with that. Sex is important to me when in a relationship, but I'm not the least bit interested in sex with someone that doesn't matter to me, so waiting was no issue. She said that at one time she had sworn off dating "vanilla" guys, but that in recent years she had begun to want something more serious and adult, and that lately guys that are into the fetish make her feel extremely fetishised and objectified and she had begun to resent the fetish. She said it would always be important to her, though. I was also looking for something serious, and told her I didn't find the fetish weird or to be a turn off at all. She is from a small town down south and I am from a big city, so I think people where I'm from are a bit more open-minded. It really didn't seem that strange to me.

    Fast forward a year, and we are now living together. I love her like crazy, and she says the same about me. She asked me to move in. The relationship is great, other than the fact we still haven't had sex. Of any kind. She has never even touched me in a sexual way. We have talked about it and she says she wants to, but is scared. She said "soon" months ago. She was pretty open about talking sex at the beginning of the relationship, but now completely closes off if the subject is brought up. If I say anything sexual or touch her in a sexual way in bed, she says nothing, closes her eyes, and pulls her knees up to her chest. She has never been abused in any way, if that's what you were thinking. I know I was. She says lack of a sex life is pretty common in the AB/DL community and that this is new to her, since most previous partners only cared about the fetish and rarely wanted any kind of sexual intimacy.

    If I try to talk about it, she acts as if I'm pointing out her failures and we get into an argument. Since she has never had sex I don't expect it, and have made it clear it would be an amazing gift and she is by no means obligated to give it to me. But I want SOME kind of sex life. Some kind of intimacy. She says this is the way she wants it so she is forced to "take the plunge" and have sex at some point soon. But this has been going on for almost a year now, and I'm going crazy. I don't masturbate when I'm in relationships, so it has been over a year now for me. She also sleeps shirtless in her panties (or a diaper), which drives me absolutely insane. Half the time I can't sleep. It would be a lot easier if she was waiting until getting engaged or married for sex, because then there would be a reason.

    She has told me in the past that the only act that really turns her on is the fetish, which we have indulged in together. I used to initiate a lot, but she often seemed embarassed and unenthused about doing it with me and she will never suggest it (she says the guy should always initiate), so it has kind of dwindled off. The fetish also involves her getting naked, which is a huge turn on for me with no while I find it enjoyable, that's another reason I don't suggest it anymore. It's really not even that there is no's that there is no sexual relationship, so it's really hard for me to get turned on like that and then NEVER have release. I know she has had sexual relationships of some kind in the past despite never having intercourse with previous boyfriends, so the fact that she doesn't want one with me is really upsetting. I've made this clear to her, but she doesn't want to talk about it. As far as the fetish, I DID enjoy it a lot. I also told her not to be afraid to tell me what she liked and what I was doing wrong since I was new to it.

    I've also suggested to make it easier we take intercourse off the table for awhile so she doesn't have to worry about it. I would be fine with that, as I've never expected her to give that to me. If she decides to, that would be an amazing gift, but it has never been expected. She says that's the way she wants it, though. Intercourse or nothing. So in the meantime, I feel like my needs are being ignored....and I truly feel like it will never happen. Or at least if I don't press the issue hard, it wont. But if I pressure her into it, it becomes meaningless, because then I feel like she didn't actually WANT to.

    She is really open about sex except when it comes to us. She spends a lot of time on fetish sites. She has had sexual relationships in the past (sans intercourse) with people she was far less serious with than me. She has also done nude modeling and fetish modeling. She also acts like it's no big deal for a guy to go a year without sex. But then she gets upset when she's sleeping naked and I turn over because it's driving me insane and I don't hold her at night. I'm just really frustrated and confused and wondering if I'm out of line here and being unreasonable or if my feelings are valid....

    Another issue is she likes a lot of attention. Hugging, cuddling, touching, etc.....from me. But she doesn't reciprocate. At all. She rarely touches me when we're alone other than to lay against me. It's a big deal and a rare thing if she even touches my arm or leg. She, however, is all over me when we're out in public. I don't get it...and if I bring it up, again, it's me "not being happy" with her.

    Anyway, you get the picture. I love the girl like crazy, but I'm not getting what I need from the relationship and feel like I've waited long enough and proven myself. More troubling is the fact that she doesn't seem to care. She knows this is an issue but acts as if she's oblivious. She likes and expects me to touch her.....but if it gets sexual in any way, she moves my hand away and completely shuts down.

    Just a side note....I don't mean to be arrogant, but I'm a well above average looking guy with a great career, so the fact that she seems completely uninterested in sex or touching of any kind is completely new to me. I mean, I'll get out of the shower naked and she doesn't even glance in my direction. I'll have my shirt off and she doesn't do things like touch me. She isn't asexual, either, because she masturbates fairly often.....but doesn't want me involved. Even when we indulge in the fetish, she doesn't want me to touch her sexually despite being turned on because she wants it to be intercourse or nothing.......which I was fine with at one point, but as it goes on it's really hard for me and makes it feel like she doesn't care about what I need.

    I just keep thinking "just a little longer, she said soon". I don't want to press her because an argument will ensue and then if we have sex, it won't be entirely by her choice. I don't want a relationship where she is forced to do it out of fear of losing me, I want something where she enjoys it too. I keep trying to create scenarios where she is comfortable.....from romantic weekends away to nights in watching movies wearing a diaper. I go to great lengths to create the perfect evening, but it's always the same. I touch her (romantically but only slightly sexually), she doesn't reciprocate but obviously likes the attention since if I'm not affectionate she gets upset and asks me what is wrong (although if I tell her it's an instant argument, so I say "nothing"), we go to bed, she cuddles up close to me, I make the move or tell her I want her, she says nothing, she closes her eyes, moves out of the position we were in so she is inaccessible, then goes to sleep without a word. I've told her that not saying anything in response makes me feel like she will never be interested, so for a couple weeks she would say "soon". Then that stopped and she says nothing again.

    I ask her what I can do, and she says "nothing".....she says she is happier than she has ever been, that she is lucky to have me, that I mean everything to her, and that she is afraid I'll get sick of her and leave. She also says she is extremely attracted to me and that I'm by far the best looking guy she has ever dated. BUT I just don't understand if all this is the case why she doesn't even touch me. And it's excruciatingly frustrating that she doesn't want to go with my suggestion of tabling intercourse for now and starting with just some intimate touching.

    I'm not sure what to do. One of the last times we argued about it I said we should hold off on moving in together because she didn't know if she wanted a regular sexual relationship and that was something I needed. She said she didn't want to hold off, that she loved me and that she knew a sex life was something I needed, was a dealbreaker, and that it would happen soon. She said she actually wanted sex for the first time in her life. So I went ahead, moved in together......and now, again, it has been months and it doesn't seem like she ever wants that type of relationship. And it seems like she either doesn't care or is completely oblivious to my frustration.

    Any advice on the subject would be welcomed from those that have experience with the fetish. Thanks all.

  2. #2


    It sounds like she is over consumed with the whole AB/DL side of things. I think you've spelled things out to her. She may have said she was interested in having normal sex, just to appease you. She may have even thought at the time that this was something she wanted, but since she hasn't complied, it would seem that she's stuck in her AB/DL rut. This fetish can be very strong in some people and really dominate their lives. This seems to be the case with your girlfriend. Since it doesn't look like you will have a meeting of the minds, I personally think it's time to move on and find someone who can give you what you're looking for.

  3. #3


    So you don't think I'm asking too much or being unreasonable? Is the lack of interest in a sex life as normal a thing with ab/dls as she says?

  4. #4


    Quote Originally Posted by VaultDweller View Post
    So you don't think I'm asking too much or being unreasonable? Is the lack of interest in a sex life as normal a thing with ab/dls as she says?
    What if it was? What would it really matter? You're dating her, not the ABDL community. You have your needs. If she wants to keep the relationship going, she's going to need to put something in for your benefit as well.

  5. #5


    If it was and someone could explain it to me, it would make the situation easier for me to understand, that's all.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by VaultDweller View Post
    Hi everyone, I'm looking for some relationship advice and asking here because my girlfriend is an ab/dl and I'm new to the scene.

    Basically we met, really hit it off, and started officially dating after [...]

    Any advice on the subject would be welcomed from those that have experience with the fetish. Thanks all.

    Quote Originally Posted by VaultDweller View Post
    So you don't think I'm asking too much or being unreasonable? Is the lack of interest in a sex life as normal a thing with ab/dls as she says?

    Dear frusterated,

    I do wonder why you're not masturbating, at least by this time... yet, that's not altogether the most important issue right now..

    We can go on all day about compromise in Long Term Relationships... However...

    I think that we have another matter though... the relationship must be equal in some way or another... you've said what you want, she has said what she wants... it seems she is the only one getting what she wants....

    There could be a thousand interesting reasons why she can't seem to move forward on this with you, especially when she has said her intentions are to do so... and that she recognizes your needs, and interests too...

    I'm not suggesting that you emotionally (or otherwise) strong-arm her... I would suggest though... that you do find a way not to be taken advantage of by her as well... At the very least... it seems she needs counseling, second to that... you could try a couple's counseling...

    I won't say it's over... but I wouldn't lead you on with just keep working at it either... perhaps you'd have a better sense of humor if you did masturbate, but she has to know and respect that you are very much sexually attracted to her too...

    Perhaps you need to move back out, not as an ultimatum... simply to preserve your own sanity and sanctity... and maybe see if something comes of it (pardon the pun)... in a few months...

    We each have our own lives to live... her, you... all of us... let's get on with it shall we?

    I do wish you the best, I don't see that you're asking too much or being unreasonable... but, you have to decide for yourself... if this is asking too much or being unreasonable for you... No-one may rightfully fault us when we are living as true to ourselves as we can... exotic things tend to be temperamental... perhaps it is too good to be true, or you're on the path to finding out just how much each part means to you...

    If you were to masturbate, immediately after may be a good time to reassess things... it seems like you got to about have a serious case of blue-balls or, you're having nocturnal emissions (I don't actually need to know )

    Anyway... I hope to have helped!


  7. #7


    She might be asexual. Or sex repulsed. That's not an abdl thing but it can happen

    - - - Updated - - -

    If that's the case I hate to say it but it's not anything you can do. If she's really not comfortable yet then maybe suggest to her that she talk to someone, not you, about it. There may be an underlying issue you don't know about or maybe there's a psychological block there.

    The fact that she clams up and goes into the fetal position tells me something is wrong. That kind of reaction may not be from abuse but that's deffinitly not normal, not even in someone who is sex repulsed.

    I would suggest a counselor for her. It's not a bad thing at all, and you should let her know that this isn't her fault but her actions and responses are not typical of ABDL's (as in it doesn't come with a lack of sex drive) and it's obviously becoming a problem.

    Again, curling up in the fetal position and shutting down are not normal responses to physical/sexual contact.

  8. #8


    Hi VaultDweller. I'm sorry to hear about your problems, it sounds like there are a lot of good things in life for both you and your girlfriend, but the issue that you've raised is an important one and I don't think it can be ignored.

    I think there are a few different approaches that you could think about and I'll offer my thoughts on each one. 1) Call it quits on the relationship 2) Try and keep the relationship together 3) Seek outside help

    1) Break it off: with everything you've said, this would be a fair thing for you to do. It's clear that there are expectations on each side that just don't match and that even discussing those expectations has become a huge source of tension. You shouldn't have to wait forever and it's fair for you to seek out someone that fulfills your needs if your girlfriend isn't capable of being that person. The obvious downside of course is hurting her and leaving both of you without a partner, possibly for a long while.

    2) Keeping the relationship: If you're gonna try and hold this thing together, I think you have to get past the inability to talk about it and maybe the inability to do it. You need to have a difficult conversation with her, and I think you need to own your own needs. You mentioned that she gets upset or defensive about several different things, varying from the very specific (what position you're in at night) to the very general (talking about sex at all). If you have this conversation, you can't back off because she gets upset and just hope she changes. You have to accept that she's upset, that certain things bother her and tell her that you're upset too, that all these things are bothering YOU, and then see if the two of you can find a way to work through it. I don't think it's possible for you to continue waiting either. And let me very quickly add that you shouldn't force anything on her! However, if you two can't agree to experiment, to let you try some things and satisfy your needs too, then I don't think it's gonna work. If she's committed and you're committed, both of you should make some compromises and go slowly, even if you're both a little uncomfortable.

    3) Get outside help: This means a relationship counselor. This is an issue where it sounds like both of you are having troubles. A counselor does two things that help. First, the counselor provides a source of authority for trying new things. If a suggestion comes from you, your girlfriend can say she doesn't like it or accuse you of being unfair. If it comes from a counselor, well, that person is supposed to be knowledgeable and reliable. Second, the counselor automatically creates a safe environment where it's okay to talk about difficult issues confidentially. Doing that without a counselor requires that you and your girlfriend schedule time to set aside either in an apartment without distractions or on a long walk somewhere secluded. Creating that safe space for discussion can be hard without help.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by VaultDweller View Post
    Is the lack of interest in a sex life as normal a thing with ab/dls as she says?
    I'm a gay man, and my knowledge of the sexual preferences of straight ABDLs is second-hand. But my perception is that among ABDLs of all genders and sexual orientations, attitudes toward sex vary widely:

    • Some ABDLs have no interest in sex of any kind. Most often, these ABDLs identify as ABs, and describe their diaper use as about comfort or regression rather than about sex.
    • Some ABDLs are very interested in sex, including "vanilla" sex, which they enjoy very much.
    • Some ABDLs are very interested in sex, but only in activities that are in some way related to ABDL. Some (but not all) of these ABDLs can enjoy "vanilla" sex by fantasizing about diapers.
    • Some ABDLs have multiple kinks or fetishes and enjoy sexual activities that relate to one of their sexual kinks, but not "vanilla" sex. For example, some ABDLs enjoy bondage that has no ABDL element.
    • Some ABDLs are interested in sex, possibly including "vanilla" sex, but are strongly averse to specific sexual activities. Some of these ABDLs can overcome their aversions; some cannot.

    One thing to keep in mind is that for some people with sexual fetishes, the fetish activity is sex. This can make it hard to communicate about sex with someone who thinks "sex" means intercourse or direct genital stimulation. An example, not from an ABDL context: bondage enthusiast wants to be tied up. Prospective partner wants to know what the bondage leads it a prelude to intercourse? SM? Tickling?...and is surprised to find out that for the bondage enthusiast, the bondage itself is gratifying and doesn't have to lead to another activity.

    A few random thoughts about your situation...

    I'm curious about why you haven't been masturbating while in this relationship. Is this her rule, or yours? If it's hers, I think you really need to talk with her about changing the rule. If it's your rule, I am curious about the motivation. Most people in sexually active relationships masturbate sometimes.

    Sometimes relationships between people with very different sex drives or sexual preferences can work out. For any relationship to go well, it's important for both partners to care about each others' needs being met. It's also important for both partners to be able to communicate openly about their needs.

    Couples counseling can't solve all relationship problems, but it can do wonders for communication problems. I would not still be with my partner now if we had not gone to see a counselor.

    Finally, about the validity of feelings....

    Quote Originally Posted by VaultDweller View Post
    I'm just really frustrated and confused and wondering if I'm out of line here and being unreasonable or if my feelings are valid....
    Your feelings are valid. So are hers...whatever they are.

  10. #10


    Well, she would never see a counselor, I know that. I suggested it once, along with also suggesting on a few occasions I though she was being particularly unreasonable that she ask a friend or family member what they thought of the situation. Her response was that she didn't care what anyone else thought or had to say.

    She says she is not asexual or sex repulsed, just that she is scared and wants to avoid other sex acts as a way of pushing herself to have intercourse. The problem is that for a year this has left me not getting ANY of what I need, when I would have been perfectly happy waiting for intercourse. This also doesn't explain the lack of touching. When I ask her about that, she says she has always viewed it as the guy's job to touch the girl, and says that I'm "high maintenance". She's half joking, but it has started to make me kind if angry. If I press the issue, she will get really mad and say things like "fine, I'll just never lay on you again and you won't have to touch me", or "what do you want, me to jerk you off 24-7?", both of which are absurd and obviously not what I want. She has never once touched me in a sexual way, so the 24-7 comment is particularly offensive to me. The funny thing about the "guy's job" thing is that she absolutely despises sexism. She won't even cook for me because she views it as sexist. When it benefits her in some way, though, reverse sexist is fine.

    - - - Updated - - -

    The reason I don't masturbate is basically because I just don't enjoy it. I prefer waiting to be with my gf when I'm in a relationship. I'm also very visual, so masturbation would mean viewing porn, something I'm not fond of. I also think fantasizing about someone else while in a relationship is disrespectful. I've gotten around this on occasion during business trips and such things with photos and videos of previous girlfriends, but so far in this relationship that has not been an option.

Similar Threads

  1. relationship advice again :/
    By clip12 in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 23-Apr-2014, 15:54
  2. Need advice with my relationship
    By kitty3 in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 25-Dec-2013, 03:48
  3. Could I get some relationship advice?
    By Ronbeast in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 12-Oct-2012, 02:59
  4. Looking for relationship advice
    By oceansmackdl in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 11-Sep-2012, 11:28
  5. Some AB relationship advice for a DL
    By pldc in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 10-Apr-2011, 14:50

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  • - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.