This year (for whatever reason) I've remembered everything involving my past molestation. I began remembering when I was 15 (it occurred when I was 4) and the memories have very gradually come to me since. But this year everything just hit me at once.
I started noticing last year that I could not handle people touching me. Close family members were fine but anyone else, it just made me feel wrong. It's like my body remembered completely before my mind did, and at the time I didn't understand why people hugging me/touching my shoulder repulsed me so much.
In short I thought I was losing my mind.
Now that I know it's easier for me to slip away from people. But it's made me very distrustful of people. Also I've had problems with self injury and my bad eating habits. There were days I wouldn't eat, days I would restrict to the point of short black outs, and then there were the binges. The binges have been fucking with me these last few weeks.
I was so proud of myself that I lost the weight. I felt so much control in it, but now I've put back on 5 pounds after losing 25 and its disappointing. I want the control back...
The self injury is much more difficult for me. If I'm anxious I cut. If I'm happy I cut. I just want to cut in order to feel something or control some kind of feeling or thought.
My whole system is about control, well for the most part.
I'm not sure why I'm rambling tonight with no reason why I'm saying all of this. You guys are the second people(s) I've told this too. And I don't feel up to telling my family...last time it was more of a shrug and a "it's not so bad". I don't want to know their reactions or lack there of right now. I just can't