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Thread: (TW!!!) Because of past traumas I've become repulsed by touching

  1. #1

    Default (TW!!!) Because of past traumas I've become repulsed by touching

    This year (for whatever reason) I've remembered everything involving my past molestation. I began remembering when I was 15 (it occurred when I was 4) and the memories have very gradually come to me since. But this year everything just hit me at once.

    I started noticing last year that I could not handle people touching me. Close family members were fine but anyone else, it just made me feel wrong. It's like my body remembered completely before my mind did, and at the time I didn't understand why people hugging me/touching my shoulder repulsed me so much.

    In short I thought I was losing my mind.

    Now that I know it's easier for me to slip away from people. But it's made me very distrustful of people. Also I've had problems with self injury and my bad eating habits. There were days I wouldn't eat, days I would restrict to the point of short black outs, and then there were the binges. The binges have been fucking with me these last few weeks.

    I was so proud of myself that I lost the weight. I felt so much control in it, but now I've put back on 5 pounds after losing 25 and its disappointing. I want the control back...

    The self injury is much more difficult for me. If I'm anxious I cut. If I'm happy I cut. I just want to cut in order to feel something or control some kind of feeling or thought.

    My whole system is about control, well for the most part.

    I'm not sure why I'm rambling tonight with no reason why I'm saying all of this. You guys are the second people(s) I've told this too. And I don't feel up to telling my family...last time it was more of a shrug and a "it's not so bad". I don't want to know their reactions or lack there of right now. I just can't

  2. #2

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    Thanks for sharing.

    This is a difficult topic that some can relate to but most cannot. Though it is probably more common because of the sensitive matter and not always shared with others, the difficulties are intricate and delicate by nature.

    Your very well dictated post indicates that you have exhausted all of your confidants and it may be time to explore other sources of help. There is no need to suffer or indulge so long when there may be some answers or support groups nearby. Please search a trauma support group that may be available to you.

    You may be surprised by how many want to include you in their group or discussion. Healing and growth is usually achieved in numbers this way.

  3. #3

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    Hello

    I know you have talked about some of this in the past, and I hope I can help you again.

    This sounds like something that you really need to be talking to a professional about. Now that the facts have come to light it should be easy for you to get self resolution to the issues and feelings.

    The only thon that I could suggest for right now is that it might help if you write down all of the feelings that you are having and then attempt to also right down an explanation for those feelings.

    This is just something that I learned in group therapy.

    I hope this helps.

    Egor

  4. #4

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    Mhhhh... control. You could easily put this as headline for all things like this. And I hate this word somehow.

    "At least it's something I can control, if I can’t control anything else in my life.” Thatīs how it feels, right? I can relate to how it feels, but it's wrong. There's nothing to control and that's why I hate this term. It's completely false. I mean I probably am control of myself, right? But this sounds so wrong. I just try my best in order to achieve what I want to, temporarily or in the future. That's it, I cannot even control a lot of variables so I might fail. I never will control certain circumstances, so it's wrong to try to control them. Besides it's not the end of all things if something goes wrong. Let go of the things you cannot control. I know it's said easily, but it helps.

    Some things might even end up controlling us. Self harm is one of the them. It may make you feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb. So it forces you into this endless loop.


    I wonder, did you had some kind of therapy due to your trauma as a child? Regarding the whole situation I also think looking for a trauma support group would be a good idea.
    And regarding the self injury in general, or if you don't know where to start you can also call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm.



    Slipping away from people or being distrustful of people is not that bad, I think. Since you mentioned you're fine with your family, so perhaps also with people you know well?
    What I mean is, if it only takes time to get to know them in order for being able to trust them somewhat, it's okay. So as long as it's not limiting yourself or what you want to do (-too much, if you feel like this basic distrust is getting less over time). But this is why I wonder if you had some kind of therapy, if not I don't think it would be a bad idea. On the other hand if you're stuck it's anyway a valid possibility to take. You don't need to be afraid.


    Anyway! Loosing 25 pounds is a lot, you can be proud. Gaining 5 pounds again can have a lot of reasons, starting from water in your body that you've lost at first when you started your diet or muscular mass perhaps? Even if it's the dumb yo-yo effect, then it's fine. You can easily loose it again, right? Besides, I'm still running around with 6 pounds of winter fat from a year ago... It's hard to resist chocolate.
    It's fine to indulge from time to time. So while having an eye on this I will get rid of it and so will you too.
    Keep an eye on it, eating nothing won't work that much since you will fall easily into those binge circles, At least stick to rice, plain yoghurt and vegetable or anything similar so you get everything your body needs.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    This year (for whatever reason) I've remembered everything involving my past molestation.[...]

    I started noticing last year that I could not handle people touching me.[...] I didn't understand why people hugging me/touching my shoulder repulsed me so much.

    In short I thought I was losing my mind.

    [...] Also I've had problems with self injury and my bad eating habits. There were days I wouldn't eat, days I would restrict to the point of short black outs, and then there were the binges. The binges have been fucking with me these last few weeks.

    [...] I want the control back...

    The self injury is much more difficult for me. If I'm anxious I cut. If I'm happy I cut. I just want to cut in order to feel something or control some kind of feeling or thought.

    My whole system is about control, [...]
    StrawberryRaven,



    Strawberry Fields forever...
    Living is easy with eyes closed
    Misunderstanding all you see
    It's getting hard to be someone
    But it all works out
    It doesn't matter much to me...


    Blackbird singing in the dead of night
    Take these broken wings and learn to fly
    All your life
    You were only waiting for this moment to arise...
    Perhaps I've taken too much license with your username??

    Well... "Koi No Yokan" at least...

    You've got some very well thought responses so far... I believe.

    I think that I was 5-years old... and though I've gotten better... I do relate to others touching me... Oy! when people come right up and hug me... yeeeaah-oh-ewe!

    Most of those who know me now... know to warn, if not ask me first... so maybe I don't feel like a concrete statue at least...

    People who haven't experienced this... don't understand, and you can't really explain... those who have experienced this... don't need an explanation... right??

    What I'd like to see for you... is for you not to have to go through 10 more years without much better resolve (like I went through from your current age)...

    Some of the good news... this sort of experience isn't swept under the rug like it used to be... and, there should be much better help available to you now from what there used to be...

    I didn't do self-harm in the same way that you have (and I won't go into details...don't want to give any ideas)... Apart from feeling something above the numbness... there's actually some chemical actions that your body makes when injured and/or stressed, threatened, etc... so, in a manner of speaking.. you might be creating (or have created) a sort of built-in chemical dependency...

    I think more good (or at least better) news... counseling/therapy, etc... doesn't mean that you'll have to go through every little detail of what happened... of course what works for you needs to be between you and hopefully a qualified professional... which usually does take some trial-and-error...

    CBT (uh, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in this case)... is pretty much about addressing the destructive things that you do now... without so much about why you do them... but, so that you can replace them with something far less destructive... There's a number of things for the immediate future that can still give you the chemical responses you may be accustomed now, without having to bleed, starve, have physical scars, not sleep, etc...

    So first... we must do no further harm... then we can work at doing better than that...

    I can't say enough how daLira's excellent points about what we believe and expect of control... that control is very misleading... quite a bit of an illusion... that we hold on to dearly... especially when we interpret lack/loss of control... as being in part or in whole, why we suffered (or were violated) in the first place... I mean, when we think about it... we would hardly admonish a 4-5 year old with pissing themselves... would we dream of blaming them for being molested?? NO! ...and yet, that tends to be what we do to our former selves as 4-5, etc... you have no fault or blame in the matter... and you don't need to carry this all by yourself anymore either! Right??

    I know that it's tough but, I'm glad that you're making this discovery for yourself now, rather than much later... we'll give you any help we can... but, sister-girlfriend, you need structured professional assistance more than anything... like now!

    Get your lost 4-year old the help she needs... you wouldn't cut, starve, binge, or abuse her or any other child... don't do it to her... don't do it to you!

    You may have followed from previous threads/posts... calling the suicide helplines/hotlines doesn't require that you're about to kill yourself... they have information and referrals for pretty much all kinds of services to help you cope... including, just someone to talk with...

    Whether it's a hotline operator, or a professional counselor or therapist... if you don't feel that your personalities work well enough together... let them know that you'd like to speak with someone else... and keep doing this until you find someone you 'click' with!

    You have my best and most sincere appreciation...
    Thanks for bringing Deftones back to me and maybe you'll consider listening to the links in the above lyrics...

    Your mission, should you choose to partake of it...

    From the Society of Creative Acronyms (SCA*) okay, well these aren't actually acronyms... they could be something of an anachronism...

    Body-Dysmorphic-Disorder (BDD)

    Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD)

    Self-harm/injury

    Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (ASCSA) RAINN




    http://realcrisis.org/

    Welcome To REAL!

    We are a non-profit agency offering free
    24/7 counseling and an extensive referral
    service.
    Call us today: 252-758-4357

    We put you first. We listen to you and help
    you find what you need or how to resolve
    your issues.

    We provide:

    Counseling
    Information & Referral
    Sexual Assault Services
    Advocacy
    Suicide Intervention/Prevention
    Pitt Resource Connection
    Dial-A-Teen
    Community Resource Connection
    Outreach/Education
    And... 1-800-273-TALK

    1-800-SUICIDE

    <<Click on the image to go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org... even web-chat services are available!<< Find out more!

    I hope that I have not overwhelmed you!

    Wishing nothing but the best for you!
    -Marka

    withholding the hugs for now

  6. #6

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    Good Evening,

    I can relate to issues of profound aversion to being touched due to past physical/emotional/sexual abuse trauma.
    Being on the Autism Spectrum, I am naturally averse to being physically touched by anyone.
    But, I also have experienced a lot of severe physical abuse, and occasional awful bad touches to my personal anatomy.
    I have also experienced episodes of self-injury to my own personal anatomy, due to being molested by my late Mom,
    who was profoundly mentally-ill.
    I did accept help, and I have gotten better as I have aged as an age 55+ Senior Citizen with Autism and Cerebral Palsy.

  7. #7

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    There's too much good advise from above for me to add much, other than to say I've been there. I must have given off quite a gay vibe when I was a little kid, so I was always hit on, wrestled to the ground, touched, exposed, etc. and the list goes on. I'd cut and didn't even now why I was doing it. This stuff happens to too many of us.

    I have to agree that having someone to talk to, about this is very beneficial. It's cathartic. I wrote, about people, victims, and some who fought back. I also found someone to love, someone who loved me back, and that helped. You can get over this, but probably not by yourself. As humans, we typically need others. For me, it had to be that one special person, the person I could do everything with; go places, experience things, share my thoughts, my feelings and my writing.

    Look outward and don't give up. Fight back and don't let whoever did this to you keep winning again and again. Hugs. (not touching....just feeling and caring)

  8. #8

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    Thank you to everyone. All of you have been so insightful, supportive, and informative during this moment in my life and I have no idea how I could thank any of you enough. Reading through all of these wonderful comments made me smile, cry, and just feel...comforted. This community is by far the kindest one I've ever known and I'm so thankful that I have a place to go when I feel like I don't.

    Again thank you all! I'm going to embrace everyone's advice and seek help as soon as possible! <3 <3 <3

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thank you for all of this! (also Deftones is awesome and you're awesome for liking/loving them). But seriously, thank you for just all of it. You gave me so much information and help and just wow. <3

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Thank you to everyone. All of you have been so insightful, supportive, and informative during this moment in my life and I have no idea how I could thank any of you enough. Reading through all of these wonderful comments made me smile, cry, and just feel...comforted. This community is by far the kindest one I've ever known and I'm so thankful that I have a place to go when I feel like I don't.

    Again thank you all! I'm going to embrace everyone's advice and seek help as soon as possible! <3 <3 <3

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thank you for all of this! (also Deftones is awesome and you're awesome for liking/loving them). But seriously, thank you for just all of it. You gave me so much information and help and just wow. <3
    Your helping you... is all that we require from you... and it's more thanks than words can express... you are after all, one of us... and, we are several of you!

    We're here for many tomorrows too!

    Take care of you!
    -Marka

  10. #10

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    Everyone has offered great advice and as someone who is having her own flashbacks I feel the need to simply say hello.

    I was molested to when I was the same age. It effectively tore apart my family and I was blamed. I spent my life feeling like I didn't matter and like everything I did was wrong. I shy away from people when they touch me and I still haven't found the capacity to have a proper intamate relationship with anyone but it no longer bothers me.

    I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I've hated myself, cursed myself and cut myself but I'm heading into my 30's now and things have gotten better. I'm happy now and I've learned that it's okay to be a little broken, we all are but what happened to me, to you, to us it doesn't define us and it doesn't have to destroy us.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel and I just wanted you to know that I found it and I know you will too

    I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you but I hope that it in some way serves to make you a better person in the end.

    <3 XOXOXO

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