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Thread: Frustratingly oblivious partner

  1. #1

    Default Frustratingly oblivious partner

    So my partner and I have been together for a little over a year now and 98% of that time has been spent travelling/living in close intimate proximity. I have grown to accept her peculiarities to the point that i find them intoxicatingly endearing. HOWEVVER the more serious i feel about us and the more im loving the bajeezus out of her, the more i have this urge to "come out" about my DLism. I have read every article and bit of advice i could find and have had virtual conversations out the wazoo where i prepped myself to drop the bombshell as casually and naturally as possible from any conversational angle that presents itself. If I had ONE qualm about her it would be that it is damn near impossible to get into a linear conversation where she will delve deeply into subjects of a personal nature (be it hers or mine). Its hard enough to guage her possible reception let alone feel confident that she would be willing to stay on the subject, once broached, long enough to learn about what it means to me, how i feel, and how it has impacted my life. She also isnt one to show vulnerability so getting to that point where i can feel open enough in the conversation to slip the wedge in there is exponentially nerve wracking. Thoughts?

  2. #2


    Just tell her as bluntly as possible not sugarcoating or rewording anything tell her how it makes you feel and see how she feels about it.

  3. #3


    Its not sugarcoating im after. And "bluntly out of the blue" gives the wrong impression about what im trying to get across. I dont want it to seem like such a serious thing when i finally comes up... Like some great disorder or gnawing demon that i need to share. As opposed to the harmless yet bizarre kink that it is. Which is why I really need to get in there with some graceful tact to immediately label it as such before theres even time for it to run wild. I'm trying to get some reading on the matter of her views regarding such an unusual facet to the guy she already thinks is a bit nuts. But she is the most closed..est of books.

  4. #4


    I think you have to decide if you can live without diapers for the rest of you life. If you think you can, than it becomes easier to tell her that you have these occasional urges or psychological pulls to wear diapers. If she freaks out, you can then back out of the impact by saying you can give it up. It should become no harm, no foul. But if this is something that eventually you are going to have to do, like almost all of us on this site, then you have a bigger decision to make.

    You still have to tell her, but then I would go in smaller increments, just broaching the subject and trying to gauge her reaction. She'll have questions and then you will have a much more in depth discussion, one that may involve compromises.

    The bigger issue is, how much does she love you? If she loves you with all her heart, she must accept all of you, diapers and all. That's what relationships are all about. In the wedding vows are, "Do you accept JBDL for better or for worse." That should say it all.

  5. #5


    You need to do some prep work. First off is getting the ability to have a serious conversation. Diapers isn't the best there, but you can talk about other things, like future plans or activities together. Or ask her about some other serious issues like working out your finances together. The best way to have a conversation like these is to ask the person: "I want to talk about something serious. Can we give each other our full attention for a few minutes?"

    With diapers in particular, assuming you get to the point where you can talk to each other and be focused on each other, you might even want to think ahead for how you're going to say it and ask her to give you a few minutes of talking without interruptions because you might have trouble with the delivery. Then she can ask questions after that.

  6. #6


    Thanks for the input, guys. Ill keep at it and hopefully manage some satisfactory disclosure.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by Jbdl View Post
    Thanks for the input, guys. Ill keep at it and hopefully manage some satisfactory disclosure.
    Maybe we need to make little leaflets... something succinct to pique the curiosity in a friendly and rather vague way... then you could just happen to leave one where your intended party to privy, would find it... could you imagine someone finding one of these under their wipers/swipes... nothing graphic or horribly cutesy...

    I'll have to think on that one some more...

    Bottom line Jbdl... maybe you can relax knowing when the right moment presents, then you'll have your opportunity... we don't want to lie/keep secrets from those it really matters the most... and you already seem to know the pre-spin control bit... but, you may need to find a zone for yourself to get or stay calm... so you don't wind up edgy with frustration and nervousness...

    Best to you,

    maybe just practicing getting the linear conversations going with a completely unrelated (to ABDL) topic? Work on getting the door open, before you worry about getting the groceries in...

  8. #8


    "and you already seem to know the pre-spin control bit... "
    Spin controll? I like the term but am a bit unclear as to what it means.
    Anyhow, I suppose its just that I am getting a bit edgy and frustrated. (Coupled with the major want to buy a pack of pullups) i suppose i actually feel more confident as the immediate desire ebbs and i could easily let slip, however those casual craveless moments are becoming less frequent what with the cocktail of excitement and terror that is the prospect of exposing my most unusual and socially misconstrued of habits. What could go wrong? What could go right? Heck. In a perfect world i would tell her and she would stare agape for a few nerve wracking moments before admitting she felt the same way!.... But as is more common, she may find it too bizarre and not be able to really wrap her head around it, slowly loose interest as it grates on some aspect of her ideals i have yet to divine and stale goes our romantic bond. Or something inbetween... I could live with that.

  9. #9


    You are obviously a mind-oriented linear thinker, whereas your partner is a heart-oriented, intuitive, what I call shotgun blast thinker. The shotgun blasts often cause interesting out-of-the-box patterns that a linear thinker will at first think WTF? but which in actuality solve unusual, non-linear problems. Forty-four years with my heart-oriented wife has been an interesting and oftentimes frustrating experience. Sometimes to get heart-oriented person's attention, one needs to give them something focused to chew on. One thought is to present them with a web site to view (along the lines of Marka's leaflet). You could say that you know someone with this proclivity and ask for her thoughts. The following is a good one:

    and/or another:

  10. #10


    Here is something I wrote on another thread... I ought to save this so I can just copy and paste this every time it comes up.


    You should never have to choose between loving yourself and loving another. If you can't do the former, the latter won't be any easier, and think of your partner. If you don't tell them once it starts turning serious, you're doing more than just hiding from a potential bad reaction, you're preventing them from getting to know and love a side of you that is really loving and very vulnerable.

    As far as dropping hints, no. That never works.

    Spacey has a great write-up on telling your partner and it's on his FetLife profile if you want to read the whole thing. If you don't have FetLife, I will paraphrase and condense a few of his points here:

    Do your homework, be able to explain what ABDL/ageplay is as clearly as possible and point them to where they can learn more on their own. Speak from a position of sharing something deep and personal to you, and not as if you had some terrible dark secret. Do it in a place that is comfortable for the both of you. And let them know that it's OK if they don't share the interest. They're more likely to be accepting if they don't feel pressured to participate. Lastly, be prepared for the worst. The sooner in your developing relationship you tell your partner, the less "the worst" will hurt.

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