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Thread: Hello ADISC, this is my personal story and a plea for help. Somewhat long and serious.

  1. #1

    Default Hello ADISC, this is my personal story and a plea for help. Somewhat long and serious.

    Hello fellow members of ADISC,

    It it with much nervousness I draft this message and request to you. I'm only new to your community; I wish I would have joined with you sooner, but as many of you know, coming to accept and articulate oneself regarding a special fondness of diapers and other infantile things can be a long and difficult path.

    I'd like to briefly tell you a little of my story and how I ended up where I am today.

    My first years in school, and my memories with them, involve some school bullying, a lot of bedwetting, and fear of social peers. I lashed out a little, picking on other shy kids back, but mostly I was a solitary person. Eventually I overcame bedwetting (mostly) and generally was a good student. But around 11 or 12 years of age I remember desiring diapers.

    I've sometimes wondered if something regarding diapers or incontinence impacted my malleable brain when I was a young person, but I cannot remember any particular incident. I was raised in a loving household, the youngest child. My older sister is outgoing and cheerful, and in those ways, very different than myself.

    I remember once asking my sister if she would buy me diapers. I was half joking, and she acted as if I was totally joking. I never brought up diapers with her again. Diaper commercials on TV would make me blush, but nobody seemed to take notice, or say anything if they did.

    It wasn't until a few years later that things changed again for me. Being as computer savvy as I was, when we had our first dial-up internet, I was the family member that had the best ability to use our new internet resources. I started sneaking in the office and searching things like "I want to wear diapers" and finding forums, pictures, and stories related to ABDL.

    At that age, both my parents left for work before I was supposed to walk to school. This was how I started skipping. It began by just being a day here or there. I would find pornographic images, mostly diaper related, and spend the rest of the day watching TV. Obviously, being a 14 year old, this was bound to catch up to me, and by the time I was missing weeks at a time, it did. I got in a lot of trouble for skipping school and told not to skip anymore. I was given detention, but escaped harsh punishment.

    I kept skipping, and fell behind in school. I was smart enough to keep moving ahead, but I started being taken to therapists who I told about the bullying. I never told them about the diapers, but for some reason, I felt it was the reason I was there, and it sat in my mind the whole time. I never trusted the therapists. Eventually, I stopped seeing therapists.

    I met a girl my age and we started hanging out. We started fooling around a little, and eventually I extremely awkwardly and nervously told her I wanted to wear diapers. She laughed and thought it was nothing and she walked me to the pharmacy where I bought some toddler training pants for the first time.

    I stuffed the diapers behind the desk in my closet, but my parents eventually found them. My parents aren't confrontational people, and so they never forced me to explain. Instead, one day during an unrelated argument, commented that I must need those diapers he found because I wound't grow up. At this point, I knew my parents knew, but they've never mentioned it again, and I made sure never to let them know again. I doubt they know now that diapers are a part of my daily life.

    The girl I told betrayed my trust and told someone else. It wasn't anything to her or to the friend she told, but I was really upset and embarrassed. We never spoke of it again. I also told my high-school counsellor, who also made me feel that I was making far to big a deal about it.

    School never got better for me. I sat at home, depressed, something thinking of suicide, but mostly distracting myself with games and diaper pornography.

    Eventually I finished my critical grade 12 classes. I scored very well in math, science, history, language, and some electives. But I never showed up to gym class, and I dropped many of my electives so that I never graduated. I didn't really care at the time.

    After high-school, I went to some other places. Worked some other jobs. Sometime I had diapers with me, but I always had computers, and always had pornography.

    I became a lot happier. I was no longer depressed in the way that I was. I had people and things I cared about and I rarely thought of suicide.

    I moved even farther away and met another girl. This became a serious relationship and she moved in with me as I moved away from my roommates. We had a wonderful couple of years together. The very first night we first met, I told her that I liked diapers. She said it was nothing and that it would not change what we could be. I don't know why I told her, but in hindsight, I think I wanted to show her I liked and trusted her. She never held it against me, and she never told anybody. She loved that part of me as much as the rest of me.

    In secret, I would continue to look at diaper pornography, not that she would have disapproved, but I was ashamed of it myself. Eventually we found a way to enjoy diapers together. This was not good for me. She was enthusiastic, but I was shy. She wanted to play mommy or baby, and I would choose not to. I wanted to more than anything, but I chose not to because I was so afraid of my ABDL side.

    Things eventually became difficult. We started to drift and I knew the relationship was coming to a close. How much that was related to me closing the door in the bedroom I don't know, but I think it was not insignificant.

    And so now, I'm living on my own. For the first time ever. I had always lived with roommates before her, so now I had to be an adult and take care of my home.

    I'll have to fully admit right now that I have proven to be a bad roommate, and that has held true even when only bunking with myself.

    I've been very sloppy since she left. I've not done the dishes in months, I'll only do laundry when I need to. I can't recall cleaning the bathroom and I still step over garbage and recycling to go from my front door to my bedroom.

    This has made me more depressed. I can do a big clean now and again so that my family can visit me, but it's been so long now, I don't know where to begin.

    Now, I have to make a request for your help.

    My sloppiness combined with my ABDL lifestyle has made my life increasingly unbearable. In the past year I've amassed several bags worth of used diapers. I'm terrified to place them in the trash outside. I live below a family with small children, and I'm so afraid of anybody in my life knowing I wear diapers. I'm constantly afraid I'll be evicted, called a pedophile, and the thought of this shame makes me very sad and scared. It's not often anymore I think of suicide, but it enters my mind when I think that my life would be ruined by exposing my behaviour.

    If you wish to help me, here is what I might ask of you:

    First of all, you already have, by providing a community in which to share my story, and for you having read it and engaged with me. Thank you! Thank you very much! I really do appreciate you.

    If you are so inclined to use some of your energy to help me, I really need a friend to help make me accountable. You can be a person that I can be fully honest with about my home and ABDL life, and can help keep me moving forward to caring about myself and my livelihood.

    I know this is a big ask, so I hope that I can show you that I have much joy, love, live, and many other small curiosities to give in return.

    Thanks for reading if you did, and thanks for being here.

    Much love,

    Crackers.

  2. #2

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    First off I would like to commend you on your ability to finally articulate these issues to other people. Even if it's on the internet, I know it can be a difficult thing to express some pent up feelings in any way shape or form when they've been guarded for a long time. I know that when I write out my own personal history on this site, or even to myself in a journal, I feel much more at ease with myself and able to really analyze my thoughts and feelings. I sincerely hope you're doing the same, and if you are, then this post alone should already be a huge help to you.

    Getting to what you would like help with, I can assure you that many people on this forum will be glad to help you out if you pose situational issues to us as a group using threads throughout the course of your involvement with ADISC. But if you would prefer to talk personally to somebody, you're always welcome to send me a private message and let me know what's going on in life. I've personally dealt with suicide and bullying when I was younger, so I have some experience on the topics. But regardless of experience, I'm willing to just listen if you need to get some things off your chest.

    I hope you can find a good measure of peace in life, friend.

    -BigKid

  3. #3

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    Hey there Crackers. That's quite an effort you've gone to there, well done...I bet it feels good to have got some of that off your chest. As bigkid rightly says, you will find some wisdom and support here.

    You certainly do have some stuff to sort out. I'm pretty sure you get that you need to reorganise the way you look after your needs. Of course that is likely to be more challenging than you'd prefer. I'm not quite sure how you're going to deal with the growing mess, but making a start somewhere, even in the smallest way has got to help. Have you considered using cloth diapers to minimise the waste? You may find that acceptable while you sort stuff out, and perhaps even enjoy it.

    Without fully understanding your situation or environment, it is hard to suggest strategies to help, but think in small steps so that you don't become overwhelmed.

    I hope I've been of some help. Good luck with what is certain to be a challenging journey.

  4. #4

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    Committing a neatness would seem to be the first order of business. Depending on your transportation options, disposing of diapers in a dumpster (nearby apartment complex, behind a strip mall....) somewhere might be viable. Maybe not all at one time, but bit by bit. I use a garbage can in a nearby park used mostly by dogwalkers to deposit poop bags, so my contribution is no more disgusting or unexpected for the park district guys that come by to empty it. Of course, I only toss in one or two at a time.

  5. #5

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    Crackers, thank you for posting. That was a lot to share. It sounds like you've had a rough time.

    One thing I think should help is that diapers don't have to be connected to your other problems. You can clean in a diaper, you can study or work in a diaper, and you can do other things while thinking about diapers. It's important to keep your life balanced though. Letting something like a huge number of dirty diapers build up as trash isn't sanitary.

    So, first order of business, go buy some heavy duty black trash bags and take them out. Go to a public bin like Maxx suggests if you're worried. But go do it.

    You've also asked for help being held accountable. I don't have the time to always be around for that, but we do as a group, that's the beauty of a public thread. So tell us when you're done. I'd personally like to hear back from you in 2-3 days with news that you've taken some of your trash out. We can go from there after.

  6. #6

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    Hey everybody, thanks for the outpouring of support.

    I felt a lot of poster's remorse today thinking about what I had written and waiting to get home to see if anybody had replied. I feel even more embarrassment today that several of you have read what I wrote. Thanks for understanding that writing about one's own personal issues can be difficult and scary. I probably didn't express to you exactly what I needed to, but sending a message out was worth something I think.

    I'll respond here to a few things you have said.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    First off I would like to commend you on your ability to finally articulate these issues to other people. Even if it's on the internet, I know it can be a difficult thing to express some pent up feelings in any way shape or form when they've been guarded for a long time. I know that when I write out my own personal history on this site, or even to myself in a journal, I feel much more at ease with myself and able to really analyze my thoughts and feelings. I sincerely hope you're doing the same, and if you are, then this post alone should already be a huge help to you.
    Thank you, and yes, just the act of posting is a help to me. The fact that others can resonate with me is great for motivating me to not give up.



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    You certainly do have some stuff to sort out. I'm pretty sure you get that you need to reorganise the way you look after your needs. Of course that is likely to be more challenging than you'd prefer. Think in small steps so that you don't become overwhelmed.
    Thank you for not belittling or exasperating what I've shared. I feel like it's easy for me to think far too little or too much of my problem situation. Thanks for reminding me that it will probably be harder than I think, but that it is possible regardless.



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    So, first order of business, go buy some heavy duty black trash bags and take them out. Go do it.
    Yes, I've been telling myself this for ages, but to hear it from you means a lot for encouraging me to produce results.



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Committing a neatness would seem to be the first order of business. Depending on your transportation options, disposing of diapers in a dumpster (nearby apartment complex, behind a strip mall....) somewhere might be viable. Maybe not all at one time, but bit by bit. I use a garbage can in a nearby park used mostly by dogwalkers to deposit poop bags, so my contribution is no more disgusting or unexpected for the park district guys that come by to empty it. Of course, I only toss in one or two at a time.
    Thanks for this practical advice.



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    One thing I think should help is that diapers don't have to be connected to your other problems. You can clean in a diaper, you can study or work in a diaper, and you can do other things while thinking about diapers. It's important to keep your life balanced though. Letting something like a huge number of dirty diapers build up as trash isn't sanitary.
    This really emphasizes the path to self-acceptance. Thanks for showing me that there is a difference between being an ABDL and having a personal issue. Sometimes it's easy to make my diapers a scapegoat for my issues.



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    You've also asked for help being held accountable.
    I have, and thanks for helping me realize the value in being a member of a community. Although community participation is a struggle for me, I know that no one person can be the one to cure me of my ills.



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    I hope I've been of some help. Good luck with what is certain to be a challenging journey.


    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I hope you can find a good measure of peace in life, friend.
    You all have been much help already, and I'll be sure to update you here soon as we progress forwards.

    Thank you all very much.

  7. #7

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    I just want to echo the support and advice of others, and add:

    YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

    You are whole, strong, and brave.

    Some may find this silly but I've found it immensely helpful. Give yourself daily affirmations. Write down one thing a day you are thankful for, even if it's minor. Avoid negativity and self-deprecation if you can. Feel good about who you are first, at your core.

    I'd also recommend a blog for you to read. It's helped me get through some tough times. It's a great look at personal journey and life.

    Hope this helps.

    ::

  8. #8

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    Crackers,
    Much of what you have told us has also been lived by others. Shyness, early childhood incontinence, shame, difficulty with intimacy, sexualization of diapers...those all described me too. Acceptance of oneself is not easy and made especially difficult when you have a need to wear diapers. The truth is everyone has hang-ups, odd desires and needs that don't fall into what society describes as "normal." The truth is there is no normal. So you wear diapers. I hate to break it to all of you 25 years and younger, but you're going to be wearing diapers 20 years from now too. It doesn't have to be who you are as a person.

    People will have a hard time loving and respecting you if you can't respect yourself. My advice? Stop it with the porn. It's only there for arousal and not real life. Focus on small goals and eventually build those into larger goals and dreams. You're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Do what makes you happy. And, do it with your diapers on. No one gives a shit what kind of underwear you wear. I regularly give presentations in front of dozens of people at work and to the public. I'm near the top of my profession. Do you think I worry about someone finding out I wear diapers. No. Granted I'm terribly urge incontinent, but I'm also psychologically dependent on them and a little. I don't go around yelling this at the top of my lungs, but I don't deny it either.

    Be strong and do good things. And for God's sake, throw your used diapers in the trash.

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    *hugs* When you feel the love and support of everyone accepting you the way you are, you will begin to shine. You will be strengthened to rise out of your fear and find how talented you really are. We are here for you no matter what.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Spaz View Post
    People will have a hard time loving and respecting you if you can't respect yourself. My advice? Stop it with the porn. It's only there for arousal and not real life.
    Whoa, whoa, whoa... stop the ponies.

    There's no need to go all sex-negative. We are sexual creatures, we get aroused. Arousal is part of real life, especially as a young adult. As long as he isn't going overboard with it (and he only mentioned it once), then there's no reason why he can't enjoy himself and watch porn.

    I love and respect myself and I watch porn. There's nothing wrong with it.



    And for God's sake, throw your used diapers in the trash.
    Yes, I concur. If anything, the smell will eventually give you away, so get rid of them. Nobody is going to sift through them, especially if you double-black-bag them and throw them in a dumpster somewhere.

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