Hello fellow members of ADISC,
It it with much nervousness I draft this message and request to you. I'm only new to your community; I wish I would have joined with you sooner, but as many of you know, coming to accept and articulate oneself regarding a special fondness of diapers and other infantile things can be a long and difficult path.
I'd like to briefly tell you a little of my story and how I ended up where I am today.
My first years in school, and my memories with them, involve some school bullying, a lot of bedwetting, and fear of social peers. I lashed out a little, picking on other shy kids back, but mostly I was a solitary person. Eventually I overcame bedwetting (mostly) and generally was a good student. But around 11 or 12 years of age I remember desiring diapers.
I've sometimes wondered if something regarding diapers or incontinence impacted my malleable brain when I was a young person, but I cannot remember any particular incident. I was raised in a loving household, the youngest child. My older sister is outgoing and cheerful, and in those ways, very different than myself.
I remember once asking my sister if she would buy me diapers. I was half joking, and she acted as if I was totally joking. I never brought up diapers with her again. Diaper commercials on TV would make me blush, but nobody seemed to take notice, or say anything if they did.
It wasn't until a few years later that things changed again for me. Being as computer savvy as I was, when we had our first dial-up internet, I was the family member that had the best ability to use our new internet resources. I started sneaking in the office and searching things like "I want to wear diapers" and finding forums, pictures, and stories related to ABDL.
At that age, both my parents left for work before I was supposed to walk to school. This was how I started skipping. It began by just being a day here or there. I would find pornographic images, mostly diaper related, and spend the rest of the day watching TV. Obviously, being a 14 year old, this was bound to catch up to me, and by the time I was missing weeks at a time, it did. I got in a lot of trouble for skipping school and told not to skip anymore. I was given detention, but escaped harsh punishment.
I kept skipping, and fell behind in school. I was smart enough to keep moving ahead, but I started being taken to therapists who I told about the bullying. I never told them about the diapers, but for some reason, I felt it was the reason I was there, and it sat in my mind the whole time. I never trusted the therapists. Eventually, I stopped seeing therapists.
I met a girl my age and we started hanging out. We started fooling around a little, and eventually I extremely awkwardly and nervously told her I wanted to wear diapers. She laughed and thought it was nothing and she walked me to the pharmacy where I bought some toddler training pants for the first time.
I stuffed the diapers behind the desk in my closet, but my parents eventually found them. My parents aren't confrontational people, and so they never forced me to explain. Instead, one day during an unrelated argument, commented that I must need those diapers he found because I wound't grow up. At this point, I knew my parents knew, but they've never mentioned it again, and I made sure never to let them know again. I doubt they know now that diapers are a part of my daily life.
The girl I told betrayed my trust and told someone else. It wasn't anything to her or to the friend she told, but I was really upset and embarrassed. We never spoke of it again. I also told my high-school counsellor, who also made me feel that I was making far to big a deal about it.
School never got better for me. I sat at home, depressed, something thinking of suicide, but mostly distracting myself with games and diaper pornography.
Eventually I finished my critical grade 12 classes. I scored very well in math, science, history, language, and some electives. But I never showed up to gym class, and I dropped many of my electives so that I never graduated. I didn't really care at the time.
After high-school, I went to some other places. Worked some other jobs. Sometime I had diapers with me, but I always had computers, and always had pornography.
I became a lot happier. I was no longer depressed in the way that I was. I had people and things I cared about and I rarely thought of suicide.
I moved even farther away and met another girl. This became a serious relationship and she moved in with me as I moved away from my roommates. We had a wonderful couple of years together. The very first night we first met, I told her that I liked diapers. She said it was nothing and that it would not change what we could be. I don't know why I told her, but in hindsight, I think I wanted to show her I liked and trusted her. She never held it against me, and she never told anybody. She loved that part of me as much as the rest of me.
In secret, I would continue to look at diaper pornography, not that she would have disapproved, but I was ashamed of it myself. Eventually we found a way to enjoy diapers together. This was not good for me. She was enthusiastic, but I was shy. She wanted to play mommy or baby, and I would choose not to. I wanted to more than anything, but I chose not to because I was so afraid of my ABDL side.
Things eventually became difficult. We started to drift and I knew the relationship was coming to a close. How much that was related to me closing the door in the bedroom I don't know, but I think it was not insignificant.
And so now, I'm living on my own. For the first time ever. I had always lived with roommates before her, so now I had to be an adult and take care of my home.
I'll have to fully admit right now that I have proven to be a bad roommate, and that has held true even when only bunking with myself.
I've been very sloppy since she left. I've not done the dishes in months, I'll only do laundry when I need to. I can't recall cleaning the bathroom and I still step over garbage and recycling to go from my front door to my bedroom.
This has made me more depressed. I can do a big clean now and again so that my family can visit me, but it's been so long now, I don't know where to begin.
Now, I have to make a request for your help.
My sloppiness combined with my ABDL lifestyle has made my life increasingly unbearable. In the past year I've amassed several bags worth of used diapers. I'm terrified to place them in the trash outside. I live below a family with small children, and I'm so afraid of anybody in my life knowing I wear diapers. I'm constantly afraid I'll be evicted, called a pedophile, and the thought of this shame makes me very sad and scared. It's not often anymore I think of suicide, but it enters my mind when I think that my life would be ruined by exposing my behaviour.
If you wish to help me, here is what I might ask of you:
First of all, you already have, by providing a community in which to share my story, and for you having read it and engaged with me. Thank you! Thank you very much! I really do appreciate you.
If you are so inclined to use some of your energy to help me, I really need a friend to help make me accountable. You can be a person that I can be fully honest with about my home and ABDL life, and can help keep me moving forward to caring about myself and my livelihood.
I know this is a big ask, so I hope that I can show you that I have much joy, love, live, and many other small curiosities to give in return.
Thanks for reading if you did, and thanks for being here.