Should I Tell Her?

MattiKins said:

Yeah, he's got a great head for this sort of thing. The Big Little Podcast has been a great, positive influence in my life over the last year or so since I started listening.

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I might have to listen to more of his podcasts in the future, really been enjoying this one.

BlackWing said:

My thoughts exactly. I want to give her time to sink in before we actually decide to move in together. I'll wait until the end of the semester in May, that way we have until August to deliberate on the subject and make a good decision. I'd rather not only give her a couple weeks time to think about it, but I also don't think I'm quite ready to come out just yet.

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Sounds like you have a good plan to me.

What I think I was getting at, is that as you explain this, you don't want to hit her with everything at once, like, I like wearing and wetting diapers, and sucking on my paci, and acting like a baby, etc. As others have said, have a very good understanding as to what infantilism is, the fact that it's been imprinted into your subconscious since you were a toddler or very young child. Reassure her that it doesn't rule you life, but that it's not going away either.

Beginning the topic is probably hardest. I would say something along the lines that everyone is different and has varied desires and things that drive them. If you start with identifying with your own childhood, you want to be very clear that you aren't identifying with children in general, that this has nothing to do with being attracted to children. Just take it one small step at a time and try to see how she is reacting. You could redirect the topic if she is upset, but then you won't accomplish what you eventually have to do. Allowing time for part of this to settle in can have positive results, however.

You are asking a person who has limited or no knowledge of adult babies or diaper lovers to accept something that is going to seem both very strange, and unclean. She will have a lot of questions so be prepared to answer them. At no time become defensive or combative if she does. Rather, be calm, open and understand what she's going through. In the end, ask her how she feels and what she may need to make all of this work. Lastly, I don't envy you. I couldn't do it, and it was only until I was caught that I had to explain. That's really no way to go about it at all. If she loves you, she will accept you, and my guess is that she's not perfect either. There will be things about her that you will need to accept. It makes us human.

I'll definitely be writing a little speech sorta thing just to get a good grasp on how to properly explain everything piece by piece. I'm thinking of starting off with just kind of a general topic on kinks/fetishes and working into explaining/showing her. I'll have to do a lot of practicing between now and then, but I'm willing to go through with it.

I am totally in the same boat as you, BW. Understanding girl, probably would be okay with it, feeling the need to tell her as our intimacy advances but have yet to tell a soul outside of adisc. In the last few weeks i have had thousands of conversations with her in my head trying to prep myself with the most caual diffusing and knowledgeable discussion i can all the while tryin to work out how to even bring it up. There is some excellent advice out here. Myself, I feel like im getting close to crunch time. Good luck, my good man. Im rooting for ya.

Why start out hiding stuff?

Keeping such a big aspect about your personality from your partner may be in your best interests when first dating, but becomes detrimental in the long run when you start talking about taking the relationship "to a new level."

I recommend that you do tell in the interest of keeping an honest relationship, but I highly recommend that you do some research on "coming out" as an ABDL. For example, most sites that I've visited say to make sure to explain your feelings as succinctly as possible in order to assure that your partner understands what you're going through.

ParkABDL said:

Keeping such a big aspect about your personality from your partner may be in your best interests when first dating, but becomes detrimental in the long run when you start talking about taking the relationship "to a new level."

I recommend that you do tell in the interest of keeping an honest relationship, but I highly recommend that you do some research on "coming out" as an ABDL. For example, most sites that I've visited say to make sure to explain your feelings as succinctly as possible in order to assure that your partner understands what you're going through.

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I'll definitely be doing my research on everything and as I said, typing out a little practice paper to help me explain well enough. But in layman's terms, basically short, sweet, and to the point with explaining.

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dleon said:

Why start out hiding stuff?

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This is the first relationship I've ever been in, so I just wanted to play it safe for awhile and see what happens. As it stands, I'm fairly certain she'll be accepting of it.

I've had pretty good luck with telling girlfriends about my diaper wearing side. It's such a huge part of who I am I can't hide it and remain happy in a relationship.

So I recently told my new girlfriend who I've been dating for around a month about my diaper wearing, and she was totally cool with it. Next time we were intimate she let me put her in a Molicare, then I put on a diaper as well, during fore play.

That was the third girlfriend I've told and honestly I've never had a negative reaction, I've always been confident when I've told them and didnt force anything in them and they've accepted me with out issue.

Superemt said:

So I recently told my new girlfriend who I've been dating for around a month about my diaper wearing, and she was totally cool with it. Next time we were intimate she let me put her in a Molicare, then I put on a diaper as well, during fore play.

That was the third girlfriend I've told and honestly I've never had a negative reaction, I've always been confident when I've told them and didnt force anything in them and they've accepted me with out issue.

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You should share your secret for finding accepting girlfriends, heheh.

Honestly, I'm pretty sure the average response to this sort of thing--after only a month of dating!--is going to be somewhat opposite of your experience, regardless of how you tell. Here's why: The other person doesn't know you yet. When somebody doesn't really know you yet, every new detail is a major revelation. If somebody knows nothing about you except that you like diapers, then that's what you are: A diaper-liker. I suspect the vast majority of prospective girlfriends (or boyfriends, or whatever) are going to want... well... a bit more normalcy from their mates. Is that normalcy there? Maybe. Probably, even. But give yourself a chance to prove it! If there's ever a moment to turn a small thing into a HUGE thing, it's early in a relationship, not later. Later in a relationship, if all else is well, discoveries about one's partner don't have as much of an opportunity to blow up because of all the other stuff that's already out there and compensating for them.

As long as that other stuff is generally good.

My guess--and I'll be quick to admit that that's all it is--is that those whose marriages have been "ruined by" the very late discovery of a diaper fetish have actually had longstanding disagreements or other problems. In other words, the diaper thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. In the absence of other problems, I'd expect waiting longer to correlate with better odds of being accepted. It's pretty easy to justify keeping secret an embarrassing thing. That was my own route, anyway.

Of course, the other angle on this is your ability, as an AB/DL, to deal with things solo. If your happiness is predicated on being totally open about it, getting mommied, having a nursery, etc., then suppressing that is just going to make you hate life. In that case, coming out early--even if it's highly disadvantageous from a relationship point of view--is probably a filter you need to apply early.

Cottontail said:

You should share your secret for finding accepting girlfriends, heheh.

Honestly, I'm pretty sure the average response to this sort of thing--after only a month of dating!--is going to be somewhat opposite of your experience, regardless of how you tell. Here's why: The other person doesn't know you yet. When somebody doesn't really know you yet, every new detail is a major revelation. If somebody knows nothing about you except that you like diapers, then that's what you are: A diaper-liker. I suspect the vast majority of prospective girlfriends (or boyfriends, or whatever) are going to want... well... a bit more normalcy from their mates. Is that normalcy there? Maybe. Probably, even. But give yourself a chance to prove it! If there's ever a moment to turn a small thing into a HUGE thing, it's early in a relationship, not later. Later in a relationship, if all else is well, discoveries about one's partner don't have as much of an opportunity to blow up because of all the other stuff that's already out there and compensating for them.

As long as that other stuff is generally good.

My guess--and I'll be quick to admit that that's all it is--is that those whose marriages have been "ruined by" the very late discovery of a diaper fetish have actually had longstanding disagreements or other problems. In other words, the diaper thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. In the absence of other problems, I'd expect waiting longer to correlate with better odds of being accepted. It's pretty easy to justify keeping secret an embarrassing thing. That was my own route, anyway.

Of course, the other angle on this is your ability, as an AB/DL, to deal with things solo. If your happiness is predicated on being totally open about it, getting mommied, having a nursery, etc., then suppressing that is just going to make you hate life. In that case, coming out early--even if it's highly disadvantageous from a relationship point of view--is probably a filter you need to apply early.

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I feel that I need to preface what I say by insisting I respect your thought and opinions fully.

My experiences with my girlfriends and coming out with my fetishes early is based on total honesty, I don't want to hide anything from a significant other. The relationships success is not dependent on them accepting, or participating in my kinky side, but on the flip side secrets can sink a relationship.

That being said I think a lot of people that fall somewhere within the spectrum of abdl, feel as though they are weirder then they are, and feel as though no one could accept this part of them. When this is total not true.

When it comes down to it, everyone has worn a diaper before, and If they live long enough will most likely return to diapers. A diaper in its basic form is plastic and paper pulp underwear and nothing more.

I think people as a general rule are more accepting them they seem, and if they care about someone they are willing to accept, and yes participate in things that are important to the other person.

Like I've said, I personally have had not a single negative reaction from a girlfriend regarding my diaper wearing, or other fetishes, because honestly... It's not that weird.

I will simply post some links that should help you if you decide to tell your girlfriend. They seem to usually work for other people when I post them for other people in similiar situations as the OP's. Please be advised these links will only help if you decide to tell her. As for the timing on when and where that should be up to you. These links essentially are specifically intended as advice as to how you're going to tell her.

This link is about how to come out to someone- http://aboutabdl.weebly.com/coming-out.html

This link is about how not to come out to someone- http://aboutabdl.weebly.com/how-not-to-come-out.html

What you choose to do with this is totally up to you but it should help I think.

Sorry about not realizing the links did not work at first a few days ago. I just edited that issue and it should work now.

Superemt, my reply is going to be two-sided; on one side, I feel like I should congratulate you on the success you've enjoyed as far as acceptance goes. It's certainly something to hope for. On the flip side, I feel it's important to keep expectations grounded in reality when deciding whether and when to come out. And the reality is that there is a preponderance of evidence--here on ADISC and elsewhere--to suggest that coming-outs don't often go as well as your particular experiences suggest. Repeatedly surviving early coming-outs and even getting your SO to participate--you mentioned that had happened--is... atypical. Again, it's worthy of hope. But not of expectation.

When the question "Should I come out?" is asked, I'm inclined to lean more on expectation than on hope. Because once this stuff is out, it's out.

Superemt said:

That being said I think a lot of people that fall somewhere within the spectrum of abdl, feel as though they are weirder then they are, and feel as though no one could accept this part of them. When this is total not true.

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Not true how, though? I mean, look: I feel I'm worthy of acceptance, absolutely! But acceptance isn't always getting somebody to like a particular weird thing about you. Rather, it's often about getting them to acknowledge that all the other non-weird things about you make that weird thing irrelevant. Of course, some may be surprised and delighted to find that the other person wants to know more about that thing, to get involved with it, etc., but I propose that that particularly stringent definition of acceptance is not all that helpful when it comes to setting expectations.

Just because eye color and hair color are widely expected to differ within a particular population doesn't mean that dying your hair green and wearing silver contact lenses isn't weird. There's different, and then there's different. Wearing diapers for pleasure plainly goes against norms, and rather than denying that, I would argue that understanding that and being sympathetic to people's reservations about it is key to gaining acceptance.

Superemt said:

When it comes down to it, everyone has worn a diaper before, and If they live long enough will most likely return to diapers. A diaper in its basic form is plastic and paper pulp underwear and nothing more.

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Sorry, but the underwear metaphor simply doesn't hold up outside of these forums. We--and perhaps parents who are trying to graduate their toddlers from diapers to training pants--are the only ones who think about things that way. The much more common metaphor would be "portable toilet." Clearly, that is from whence much of the "gross" stigma emanates. I don't think it's helpful to deny that, either; appeals to a partner to accept one's diaper fetish are guaranteed to fail if they are based on the rationale that diapers are just underwear, and hence as arbitrary a choice as briefs or boxers. Really? No they're not.

Superemt said:

Like I've said, I personally have had not a single negative reaction from a girlfriend regarding my diaper wearing, or other fetishes, because honestly... It's not that weird.

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I think you are fortunate, that's all I'm saying. Some people will get rich fast by putting all of their money into a lucky stock that then goes through the roof. Or maybe a game of roulette. And good for them! But no financial advisor is going to tell you to do that.

Granted, Las Vegas is a more romantic metaphor for a relationship than Wall Street. As long as we're being metaphorical, you know.

Well I'm not going to argue with you, but I feel the selfish need to retort, even though it proves no purpose. People deserve acceptance of who they are, especially from there significant other, and I want people to know there's plenty of hope for that, and they deserve acceptance.

It's been my experience, and as a matter of fact several of my friends experience that there perspective girlfriends/ boyfriends have accepted the abdl side of them pretty easily. Yes there can be an adjustment phase, but then it's just become part of there normal activities. I myself slept in a diaper with my girlfriend last night, and she spent half the night with her hand on my hip, my diapered hip. Not a big deal.

I just want people to know there's hope for acceptance of themselves as a whole, and not to make a huge deal about this small, but important part of there lives, because honestly the numbers of people in my circle that have had positive or neutral reactions far outweigh the negative ones, and that is fact.

The diaper as plastic and paper pulp under wear is just an objective statement, you can't argue the fact that they are by and large made out of paper pulp, covered by some type of plastic, and you wear them them under clothes. That makes them plastic and paper pulp under wear. Sorry but it's not a metaphor it's a fact.

And I'm not going to countinue this because it serving no purpose, and no longer contributes to this thread.

*drops mic*

I told my girlfriend and she understood but wants me to stop. I did for a while and when I am with her I never really think about diapers, dummies and other adult baby stuff but as soon as she goes away for a night I can't stop thinking about all that stuff. I got rid of all my adult baby stuff (Diapers, diaper covers, boots, bottles etc.) It is hard and I haven't told her that I am finding it hard to not thinking about diapers and stuff. It has been a year since I wore a diaper or suck on a bottle of warm milk. I won't lie and say it is easy but it's not. I wouldn't go out and buy diapers and stuff only because I really love her and the thoughts of hurting her would be unbearable. Tell her but go over it and make sure you explain everything and don't leave it to late. I was glad I told her but yes there are times I wish she would be ok with me wearing them even if it is just when she is not around.
I hope everything goes well.
Good look lad and let us know how it goes.

--I'll mirror the "It's important to tell someone such things before moving into cohabitation" people

--You should consider what your end game is even if you think it's just a matter of honesty. It's better to think about it, because you may be asked. Are you wanting a participant or simple acceptance? Etc.

--Try not to have any expectations. I agree with Cottontail that acceptance or lack of acceptance of this is not an indication of how "good" someone is.

--I personally try to avoid all the "if they *really* love you" arguments, because they're ambiguous. There's not a standard definition of what "real love" entails. It's easier to simply observe what the two of you want out of your relationship and honestly determine if your wants are compatible.

As with anyone going through this, I wish you luck

I myself have not "come out" to anyone. I don't know anyone that I think would take such information particularly well, and really, my only real motivation to tell anyone would simply be to reduce the amount of hiding I have to do. e.g. it irritates me to no end to have hide things in my own home when I have visitors. You never realize all the stuff you have until you have to hide it for visitors >.<