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Thread: Thoughts from an article; are there fetish friendly people out there? (Yes!)

  1. #1

    Default Thoughts from an article; are there fetish friendly people out there? (Yes!)

    So today I was reading an article that did two things, it made me laugh and it made me think of all of you here at ADISC (in a good way, I promise). Sorry in advance for my long winded post!

    Some of you here know a little about me, I'm new the the AB/DL world, I had never really thought of diapers as something adults enjoy, and the acceptance of other's fetishes, though always interesting, had never really felt applicable to my life. Until I met my boyfriend, who is a DL and an AB and a bit of a submissive sissy some days as well, while I am his girlfriend/partner/best friend/part time mommy.

    So back to the article, and the reason for this post! The blog I was reading was about femdom, and the particular article was an advice article written in response to a guy has been having problems finding someone who shared his appreciation of foot worship. The advice this wonderful blogger gave blew me away, it was honest and articulate and really hit home for me.

    What she recommended to this man was something she called "fetish second dating," a wonderful concept that I think lots of people with obscure interests could use to meet a partner. The way she explains it is that it's most important to find a partner who you have things in common with, someone who you enjoy being around, someone you love and can be loved by before ever mentioning your fetish.

    A quote: "There’s another reason I recommend “fetish-second” dating, or maybe this is more of a public service announcement: there are so many people out there who are into your kink and just don’t know it yet! Almost everything I now crave—strongly, deeply, desperately crave—is something I was introduced to by a partner. So go out and convert! Think of it like a sexy pyramid scheme. If you convert one person, and they convert one person, and that person converts one person, etc., pretty soon there will be more devoted foot worshipees than you know what to do with."

    The reason I love her for the article is because I would have never found out I enjoy this AB/DL world if I hadn't first met and fell in love with my boyfriend. We have a connection, one that lead him to share this part of himself with me, leading me to discover a part of me I never knew existed.

    My boyfriend thinks I'm some sort of rarity for being so accepting, and I've gotten the feeling from many of you that converting regular people into DLer's is down right impossible, and that the normal people out there are judgmental and finding a partner is going to be next to impossible. I'm here to tell you that maybe it isn't as bad as you think. People are much more open minded about things like this as time goes on and the internet seeps into our consciousness, what once seemed obscure and rare is now abundantly easy to learn about thanks to google. You never know, you might end up falling in love with someone who's more receptive than you think, if only you'd give people a chance.

    What do you guys think? I'm interested in hearing if you think there's a large amount of people open to this kind of thing? I want to hear both sides. Think I'm wrong? If you think it's best to use sites like fetlife to find a partner guaranteed to accept you let me know!

    A couple of disclaimers:
    I'm not telling anyone to run out and tell their parents or wife about their private tendencies, mostly I'm counselling young people and those looking for new relationships to keep an open mind about dating outside the AB/DL sphere of influence.

    I'm going to link the article, because I think it's interesting and pretty awesome, but the blog does not exactly follow the PG-13 guidelines of ADISC, so if it needs to be removed I understand.

  2. #2


    Thanks for sharing this interesting article and your personal experience. It's nice to hear (both from you and from the article's author) that there are more open-minded people out there than fetishists sometimes think.

    I think there's a lot to be said for "fetish-second" dating. I also think there's a lot to be said for "fetish-first" dating. I did both in my 20s, and I'm glad that I did. If I had limited myself to people who shared my kinks, I would have missed out on meeting some interesting people, including two people with whom I had rewarding if short-lived relationships. If I had turned up my nose at meeting people on fetish websites, at BDSM events, and in leather bars, I would also have missed out on meeting some interesting people...including the man who is now my partner!

    Though I certainly agree with the article that it's important for a long-term relationship to be about more than sex, I also think that people sometimes impose requirements for a prospective partner that aren't actually important. In my my early 20s, I had a long list of requirements for a partner. (Yes, I actually had a list, which I wrote down.) Some of those things were appropriate to regard as deal-breakers. I really couldn't date a smoker. Many the other items on the list weren't as important as I thought there were. Sure, it would be nice to have a partner who shares my taste in music, but it's not essential.

    As I got older, I realized that fetish-compatibility was important for me. I didn't have to share all of my kinks with my partner, but it also wouldn't work for me to have a totally vanilla sex life with my partner (even if I had permission to do fetish-y things on my own or to have "outside adventures"). When I realized this, I became more open to people who didn't fit my preconceived notion of what a good partner for me would look like. As I met and dated a broader range of people, I discovered that there were a lot of non-sexual things that mattered to me that I hadn't thought about before. "Emotional warmth" was not on the list of ideal partner-qualities I made in my early 20s. But it turned out to matter a lot more than, say, sharing my taste in music.

    So my advice to single ABDLs would be, don't limit yourself to one way of meeting people. Try both the "fetish first" and the "fetish second" approaches. And if you have a long list of requirements for a partner, take another look at that list. Looking for the person you think you need can prevent you from meeting someone who is actually right for you.

  3. #3


    Absolutely Wonderful advice from EyesNewlyopened and Buridan!!!!! It has opened MY eyes, That's for sure! It also has the added benefit, for me at least, of keeping my hopes of someday finding a wonderful sharing partner and keeping the lonlies at bay. Thank you both for that!

  4. #4


    i haven't had much time to be on the forums lately, but I'm glad to hear someone out there was interested in this post. I have a lot of faith in people out there! I hope everyone can eventually find someone.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by EyesNewlyOpened View Post
    i haven't had much time to be on the forums lately, but I'm glad to hear someone out there was interested in this post. I have a lot of faith in people out there! I hope everyone can eventually find someone.
    I didn't reply because I didn't have anything to say, I just agree with it. Thanks for posting, though it was a good article.

  6. #6


    This does give me lots of hope. I was at the point saying to myself that I could only find people in the kink community to date since they would be the only ones to understand where I'm coming from. Now this brightens my day and horizons in finding more people and just hoping they will be accepting of this.
    Thank you

  7. #7


    As someone who has this fear of having every potential partner freak out over this kink, this was a really helpful article. I know the idea of "Be yourself and don't present yourself as your kink" is really obvious and common sense, but it can be easy to forget and it's good to have this as a reminder once in a while. =)

  8. #8


    "Eyes" shows a lot of insight...especially from one so young.

    Well presented, I must say. Ideas, for me, at play many years ago when I was kinked / converted / whatever by a bedwetting and DL female lover! How sweet it is!

    ...and what good times we had with our 'secret' kinks!


  9. #9


    Also don't have much to add, I agree that common interest should come first before kink but don't think it is bad either to look for someone with similar kinks and common interest (I think the article/you don't have issue with that so yeah =p).

    On the "extremer," side of a kink especially I think it's important to find someone you share similar feeling on kink about, then have common interests and connection with. Actually connection sometimes seems to be never brought up much (probably as it's obvious but still =p). As someone who has had a reaaalllyyy hard time connecting with people, usually it's the first thing that kills off any chance of friendship or better. Not really related, but have to add that in a few cases been surprised how poor people are at communicating through text but will be great on the phone or skype etc. Off-topic but yeah.

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