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Thread: Hello from a newbie

  1. #1

    Question Hello from a newbie


    Well, I'm a tech writer from the southern states of America. I'm a Christian and I love to read, write, and I've been studying Tarot since 2011 and I absolutely love that (the cards are beautiful!). At 26 years old, I just embarked on my first relationship with someone. After about a month, when things started to get serious, he told me about ABDL.

    That's why I'm here. I had never heard of this before. And I'm very nervous. My boyfriend wants - actually, in his words, "needs" - me to be a caretaker for him. To the point where it's a deal-breaker if I don't. I've been doing some research to help me understand what he and others get out of this kind of role play (is that what you call it? Role play? Fetish? Lifestyle? I don't want to offend anyone). On the other side of things, I've been trying to figure out what I can get out of this. Or, how to navigate the waters of giving my boyfriend what he needs while I can still feel comfortable in the situation (if I indeed can't "get" anything out of it. And I hate using that utilitarian, selfish mentality - what can I get out of it - but I'm scared that if I can't find some sort of personal satisfaction, outside of being happy at making my boyfriend happy, I'll end up resenting him for introducing me to this.)

    I'm crazy about this man. I care about him so much. That's why I'm here.

    So, I'm here to learn. I'm here to ask questions, and understand. I hope in the process I don't offend anyone. I'd love to hear from others who have been in this situation before. I'd love to hear from others who are more well-versed in ABDL than I am.

    Right now, I'm reading a thread "Infantilism vs. Pedophelia" which is something that I've been struggling with in terms of my role in this situation. As his caretaker, my boyfriend wants me to diaper him, change him, treat him like a baby and tie this to sexual teasing / denial.

    I don't mean to be explicit - PG-13, I know - but, diapering is very erotic for him. From my outside perspective, it doesn't seem right. If he's pretending to be a baby, and I'm pretending to be his caretaker, and I start touching him sexually, it kinda feels like theoretically I may as well be touching a baby. If that's what he's pretending to be.

    Of course, he's not a baby. He's a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the adult club . But, if he wants to be a baby, and is pretending to be a baby, how is it theoretically any different from him actually being a baby?

    Although, it is his choice. A baby can't decide that. Is that the difference?

    As you can tell, my head is still swimming from all this, and I am a little scared. I'm not just scared of embarking on ABDL role-play, but also of losing my boyfriend because I can't provide him with what he needs.

  2. #2


    Hi newbie23. Welcome. You ask some serious questions and before I answer, I want to take a second to say thank you. Thank you for trying to figure this out, for expressing your thoughts and looking to see if you can make this work. Whatever conclusion you and your boyfriend ultimately reach, the world would be a better place if everyone approached these questions the way that you have.

    Now, let's start with your last question. The difference with an adult compared to a child is INFORMED CONSENT. No matter how either of you act, you start out as two adults choosing to engage in sexual activities. The fact that your boyfriend might get aroused from acting like a child does not make him a real child. If you are aroused with him, you're still aroused at the adult you're playing with, not a real child.

    Now, let's back up and talk about what you might get out of this because there are several ways to look at it.

    One, you might find some caretaker activities you enjoy. Even if the diaper changes don't excite you, cuddling together while you read to him, as one example, could be very intimate. You may also enjoy the power relationship because being a caretaker means you get to be in control: you can decide what he wears, eats, and plays with during those role play scenarios. You might enjoy that.

    Two, even if you don't enjoy it, you might get really good sex. You can essentially treat it as unusual foreplay if you want and your boyfriend could easily perform quite well coming out of a role play scenario.

    Three, even if you don't like this and you're doing it just to please your boyfriend, remember that relationships are a give and take. I guarantee you that he'll be incredibly greatful for any care taking that you do. So, is there something you like that you wish your boyfriend would do? It doesn't have to be sexual. It could be taking you out to certain shows or movies you like but he may not like that much, or simply putting in an extra share helping with chores and errands.

  3. #3


    Welcome to our "little" world. Kind of you to be so accepting even though you may yet be lacking understanding. This fetish is notoriously difficult to explain/rationalize for most people including those that indulge in it. I can give you theories at best. As to your concerns...

    Above all else: DON'T do anything you don't want to or are not comfortable with. You seem to be intelligent enough to know that that but people often forget when trying to appease others that they are "involved" with. Fetishes aside, you need limits of your own. If you want to be involved, consider your limits in this context as well.

    It's role-play and the difference is that he's an adult, like you said. I could paint a stroke for stroke copy of the Sistine Chapel ceiling on my own ceiling, theoretically. Does not make me Michelangelo.

    It's the OBJECT that is sexually charged. Ask him and he will most likely tell you the fantasy is not complete (if existent at all) without diapers. Some get deeper into the association and act little as would be expected of most people that wear diapers->babies. The details surrounding (you as caretaker teasing/denying him) finish the picture and differentiate it from the dynamic of an actual child and adult interaction. You can see the distinction there already. Would you tease/deny a child? Teasing and denial are very adult and kink specific and consciously crafted desires.

    When he says deal-breaker he means it, unfortunately. That is probably where his use of the word "need" comes from. Not a need related directly to physical safety and survival but rather an emotionally driven need. This is an inseparable part of who we are. Like gay people can't just stop being gay or pray it away. Diapers turn him on. End. Does not mean it's the only thing that turns him on. When you guys are having vanilla sexy time, he's thinking about vanilla sexy time. BUT, as it's an inalienable quality and he knows that it is by now, he is not going to be happy unless that itch gets scratched. There is no point in "wasting" time with someone who will not be a part of this aspect of his personality/character as well. If it wasn't SUCH an intimate aspect then it could be accommodated. For example, my father is a hunter and my mother has NEVER been hunting and that has not been cause for divorce. With this situation though, it does necessitate participation from another. Hard to blame people for being the way they are and having desires as they do. He wants to be happy too.

    Decide what you want to do. If it's a matter of semantics (like it seems to be) then don't worry. You are not a pedo and neither is he. It's role-play. If you get past that then don't just go through the motions if you're not really into it. That's the road to resentment. Don't think in terms of tit-for-tat because that's the same road. If there is anything you will NOT do, say so clearly and make sure it's understood. Things can get messy with this fetish. Pun FULLY intended. Consider your limits. You don't have to be into this. That you've been this accepting so far is a lot, really.

    At the end of the day, it might just not work out. I can't express how sorry I am that your entire relationship seems to hinge on this one silly little quirk but it really is that big of a deal.

    Your own happiness must come first, act accordingly.

  4. #4


    Hi, bottom line is.... This is all about nurture. What do you get out of it... the satisfaction of giving a precious gift to your partner. Love.

    The RP side of it you can learn to find it as a fun filled activity.

    Just make sure this doesn't become a one sided selfish affair.. Babies can be greedy.

    Make sure the man is also meeting your emotional and physical needs.

    Have fun with your baby

  5. #5


    I'm also a tech writer, a student of the Tarot, and a Christian from the South. I think your boyfriend is a very lucky guy!

    The only difference between your boyfriend and a 'real' baby is that everything is bigger. As 3Rooks has already mentioned, hoping that he will somehow 'outgrow' the desire to be babied is forlorn. While I don't believe any of us are actually born with AB/DL instincts hard-wired, it's nearly impossible for ABs to walk away from the fascination altogether.

    As for what you'll get out of it, is it too much to hope that you might enjoy being in control now and then? My infantilism is equally about being cared for and letting someone else handle everything, if only for brief periods. The notion of being somewhat domineering will take some time to become accustomed to, but if you can find enjoyment in being in charge, you may capture the missing element for both yourself and your boyfriend. You have to take away his power of choice, if that makes sense.

    I know I speak for the entire community when I say we're here when you need help.

  6. #6


    So, I'm who she's talking about. Long time lurker, first time poster.

    I sent her here thinking she might find some help, and don't intend to post much, but if strangers on the Internet are being supportive, I definitely should be here, too.


  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by ImWithNewbie23 View Post
    So, I'm who she's talking about. Long time lurker, first time poster.

    I sent her here thinking she might find some help, and don't intend to post much, but if strangers on the Internet are being supportive, I definitely should be here, too.

    Welcome. We have several other SO pairs on here (some married and some just going together). I think you both will help make ADISC better.

  8. #8


    Quote Originally Posted by ImWithNewbie23 View Post
    So, I'm who she's talking about. Long time lurker, first time poster.

    I sent her here thinking she might find some help, and don't intend to post much, but if strangers on the Internet are being supportive, I definitely should be here, too.

    Hey welcome. One thing you may be able to do to help the relationship is use this space to ask questions that you have or to help collect your own thoughts with advice from others. If you're not sure exactly what you want, it will be harder for newbie23 to understand what she can get out of the relationship. Also make sure you're being there for her and paying attention to her wants and needs. Best of luck.

  9. #9

  10. #10


    Hi and welcome to both of you two newbies!!!!! for know I am a stranger on the internet!! I came here to identify and meet others who shared the same interests as i do, at first i thought i was the only one, after time on ADISC I found that strangers turned into friends understanding me for who i am, listening, giving awesome advice, etc I see great posts before me and hope they are helpful too you both and look forward to you both meeting friends here!!!!

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