its been a while since i posted on here or even logged in.
sorry this one is going to big huge but i need to get some stuff off my chest and there's no one else i can talk to.
last month my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me. we both kinda knew it was coming and i did feel like a bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders but it still hurt.
this was my first ever relationship and it wasn't too long before i thought things were getting serious. about 6 months into the relationship i told her about my dl side and what i was into. i was really nervous when telling her especially as i had always felt ashamed and anxious about my dl desires.
to my surprise and relief she was ok with it. i took my time introducing her to the dl side of me especially cause i was nervous and it was kind of embarrassing wearing and using nappies in front of someone else.
eventually she started doing stuff too, it got to the point where she would wear, wet and mess in front of me. not always and she never really liked the messing but she said she was always ok with it. i would always ask her if she was ok with doing it or if she was ok with me doing it in front of her and i always told her we could stop at any point.
about a year ago all of a sudden she wasn't ok with it. so we went back to just me doing stuff and only very rarely would she do anything. i started to feel like i needed her to do stuff even just wearing but she said it stressed her out and that she was never ok with it but did it just because i wanted her to and that she didn't realize she was only doing it to please me.
this shattered my sense of self, i feel in a way what i did was something of rape or sexual abuse. when i told her i felt like that she never denied it or said anything to the contrary, which only made me feel even worse.
about 4 months ago we worked out a compromise, that we would do nappy related stuff once a month. this seemed to work because she said she wouldn't stress about disappointing me if i asked her about/for it. this compromise worked for about 2 months before she freaked while she was wetting and then yelled at me because her to go clean up and get out of it before even trying to comfort her (i was trying to get her out of what she was uncomfortable with as soon as possible) also as this happened i felt very hurt and disappointment and those feeling of shame all came back so i wasn't exactly in the best mind set to comfort her and i knew that.
about a month after that she said she had been talking to a friend about emotionally abusive relationships and that this friend ( who i don't know) said that they thought she was getting emotionally abused by me. and the next day she broke up with me.
as far as the emotionally abusive, i would like to point out that all thru the 2 year relationship we only saw each other once a week. i wanted to see more of her but her mum and her only ever seemed to be available once a week. it got to the point where i was getting very dissapointed when didn't get to see her and she said that that was emotionally manipulative. also her family is all a bit weird, her mum has self diagnosed depression and stopped work and just lives at home and does nothing. they all call her dad "sperm donor" even in front of her. half her family has self diagnosed mental illness, none of them have seen any kind of councilor/psych. whenever i was at her place or her families place everyone had to be careful what you said to who in case you "triggered" their depression or bipolar or whatever else it was. now don't get me wrong i have a great deal or respect and understanding to anyone with a mental illness, my mother has bipolar i know some people who have PTSD. but i never believed that anyone in her family actually had a mental illness. and by the end of the relationship i started noticing that she was saying and doing a lot of what her family does. she couldn't jump on the bus because she couldn't "make herself leave the house". or wasn't "up to going aywhere". and this worried me because im sure she is/was talking herself into depression just like her mum. and i think calling me emotionally abusive is just another part of that.....she's going to get depression because she was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
sorry for all the "she" this and that i just don't want to mention any names or specifics just in case. i still care for her a lot and i am very worried about her and this "friend". i still don't want to be in a relationship with her but at one time i did love her and i will always remember that.
i just don't know what to feel or think. im very ashamed of my dl side and i fee that it broke up the relationship. im verry worried that i forced it on her and that i hurt her. im also worried, what if i need this in a relationship? what if i need someone who can satisfy my dl side? what if i really am emotionally abusive?.... or at least can be when it comes to dl stuff.
any advice or thoughts would be appreciated, i guess i just need someone to talk to. also please remember that your only getting one side of what happened. i've tried to be as honest as i can but as always there is some bias.