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Thread: Why do people take it out on others when they don't like something they have in themselves?

  1. #1

    Default Why do people take it out on others when they don't like something they have in themselves?

    I just found out my ex had transitioned into a woman and identifies herself as female and she also claims to be bisexual and is no exploring AB. But when we were together, she told me that getting a sex change doesn't make you a woman, you will still be a guy and a woman will still be a woman if she got turned into a male. She also would put down gays and call them faggots and she didn't like bisexual either and told me if I had sex with another woman, we would still be friends and she wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. She also hated AB and called them all pedophiles and treated me like I was retarded because I was AB and said she felt she was with a baby. Then I decide to look her up and see what she had been up to and if she ever got custody of her child and I find all this about her and she even has a female name so does that mean I have a ex girlfriend now and I now have to refer to having an ex girlfriend than boyfriend?

    My husband told me that she was over comsicating (whatever the word is, I can't spell it). She was in the closet trans and bi and AB but wouldn't accept it so she was trying to keep it out of her life and wanted nothing to do with it and she went overboard. I do remember her telling me how much she hated being a guy and she as feminine and she shaved her body and wanted surgery to remove all her body hair and I remember her telling me if she wasn't incontinent, she still wouldn't be wearing diapers despite being a DL in her childhood and then forcing herself to get over it and bam she got in a car accident and ended up incontinent years later.

    So why do people who don't like something and refuse to accept it in themselves take it out on others by not wanting them in their lives and have nothing to do with them? That would be like me not wanting to talk to people or want to be with anyone who has sex I find disgusting. If I don't like that sex, don't have it, simple as that. There was also a member here who didn't like AB/DL but yet liked diapers himself but wouldn't accept it in him s he also took it out on us by being all critical about it and what we do. There was also someone I knew online who had Asperger's but she hated having it so she didn't like others with it and she expressed how she liked to bully others with it. Why do some people do this instead of to themselves only? Why do they take their hate out on others instead of only hating themselves?

  2. #2

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    I am not a mental health professional, but in my fairly casual observation, this seems to be mostly be confined to those who haven't been able to accept themselves. It's not that all those who don't accept their particular strangeness display anger/irritation/etc., toward those who do, but it seems like a disproportionate number of those who make such a big deal of it have something more going on in themselves. I don't find it so surprising. If you have internal conflict, perhaps one that you don't even feel comfortable fully acknowledging to yourself, seeing someone who is similar to you but unconflicted and happy can be an irritant, i.e., "don't they know they should be miserable and conflicted?"

    In your case, the conflict made your ex into a spiteful and angry person. I think the best you can hope is that now that that internal conflict is on its way to being resolved, your ex will be a happier and better person. I would also hope that it would make dismissing the hurtful comments of the time, as they were more about your ex than you.

  3. #3

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    There's honestly a lot of assumptions I could make why this person is this way. But...dollars to doughnuts it's probably internalized self-hatred of some flavor. Something in my book that should warrant professional help.



    There was also someone I knew online who had Asperger's but she hated having it so she didn't like others with it and she expressed how she liked to bully others with it. Why do some people do this instead of to themselves only? Why do they take their hate out on others instead of only hating themselves?
    In psychology, that's known as internalized X-ism, X-phobia, what have you. Those internalized feelings are more often than not taken out on others too. I've seen in it a variety of my circles. From the self-hating gay man to the self-hating trans-woman.

    So here, I would take that for what it is. Truth be told they deserve our sympathy as well as our support. I'm not saying though go out of your way or even do anything. Some people ya can't get to, and their negativity will wear you down if you're not prepared for it.
    Last edited by Geno; 25-Feb-2015 at 17:24.

  4. #4

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    Two really good answers already.

    The way I look at these things, there tends to be a conflict between a person's idealized self-image and their feelings. The easiest example to see that is a very religious Christian who discovers that they're gay. When someone has been told that certain things are bad and others are good for years of their life, and then finds themselves with feelings they were taught as "bad," it can be really shattering to the psyche. That creates all sorts of weird, sometimes irrational reactions as a way to cope.

    Look at ABDL. A ton of people go through a binge/purge cycle because the idea that diapers are taboo and we should all want to be adults is so strong that it can create overwhelming guilt that is then pitted against nearly irresistible desires.

    When you also consider how much of society, from the commercial industry to religion, to government is dedicated to telling us that we're somehow not good enough and need to do more and be better, I don't think it's too surprising that a lot of people lash out against their own desires and the people who might share them.

  5. #5

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    I've experienced spontaneous acceptance of others once I accepted the parts of myself that they were similar to. This occurred without me even trying to accept the people, just as a by-product of wanting to work on myself for my own sake. Now I know that when I have ill feelings towards others, that it might be a valuable pointer to something in myself that I can resolve in order to have a more peaceful life.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    Look at ABDL. A ton of people go through a binge/purge cycle because the idea that diapers are taboo and we should all want to be adults is so strong that it can create overwhelming guilt that is then pitted against nearly irresistible desires.
    Except the others with it don't go hating others who are into it and wear diapers and use baby items and they don't go judging others about it either.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    Except the others with it don't go hating others who are into it and wear diapers and use baby items and they don't go judging others about it either.
    I think it's just that we don't see those people here for the most part.

  8. #8

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    I think we had one here but he is no longer here. I forget his username though.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    I think we had one here but he is no longer here. I forget his username though.
    I think most of them would wind up banned rather than being real members, since they wouldn't have anything but bile to add until they got themselves straight.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    Except the others with it don't go hating others who are into it and wear diapers and use baby items and they don't go judging others about it either.
    We have occasionally had members who felt such guilt that they not only felt they were acting incorrectly, but accused everyone here of also being in the wrong. They tend to get pounced on pretty quickly on ADISC because we've done a good job building up a support community here.

    plus, even coming onto a site like this one represents sone degree of self acceptance and interest on discussing and exploring oneself. The people who engage in such deep self hatred that it spreads to hating others wouldn't be looking for a community to chat diaper brands.

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