Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: Looking for advice from people in relationships.

  1. #1

    Default Looking for advice from people in relationships.

    I have been a part of this site on and off since 2008. In that time I have enjoyed the advice, arguments, insults, compliments, crys for help, and the saving advice that followed. So thank you for that. All of you.

    Now this is not a cry for help in the sense that I am horribly depressed and plan on doing something terrible to myself. I am actually very emotionally stable and generally happy. What I am asking for here is advice from people that are in stable relationships. So, here it goes.

    I have been a DL my whole life. I lived in closeted denial for almost 40 years of that time. Sneaking in the occasional diaper when I could, but essentially feeling guilty and ashamed of my DL feelings. Around 6 years ago, just before I turned 40, my feelings reached an apex and with the advice from this site I came out to my wife. I have already gone through that story, so I won't do it again. To sum up, my wife didn't take it well and has since come to terms with it. She absolutely refuses to waiver from her disgust and misunderstanding of the whole thing, however. We have been together for over 25 years, married for almost 17 (with one child). She was raised Italian Catholic, so her moral compass is set in stone. More importantly, I love her and respect her. With the exception of my Diaper loving, she feels the same towards me. Interestingly, I relate with her most of the time. My German Catholic upbringing has given me the same inbred moral compass. I constantly feel shame, guilt and at extremes, disgust about my own behavior. Because of this insight, I don't hold against her her vanilla mindset.

    So that is the background. Here is the situation.

    My diaper feelings are currently in overdrive. This happens, as we all know. Ebbs and flows. I don't purge anymore (thank you maturity) but I do have lulls that can last months. The thing that I have been mulling over is, what can I do to participate in this wonderful proclivity without violating the commitment I have made with my wife? More specifically, is venturing out beyond the relationship in a platonic way a valid move?

    I fear I already know the answer.

    How about this? I am a member of a Fetlife group that organizes a monthly Munch. Would participating in this be a violation? Taken further, if I lied about where I was going in order to participate, how much of an a$$hole would I be?

    As much as I enjoy my time online. I really feel the need to talk to people face to face. Talking is all I want right now, and the Munch seems the most innocent of starting points. I have no idea what I expect to accomplish by going. I just have to know if meeting people face to face will enhance my enjoyment of this, or prove to me once and for all that I will participate in this in isolation for ever.

    Sad to think, but possible. As much as I like Fetlife, it scares me a little. As I skew to the AB side of the force, my 'little' is nervous.

    More importantly, I don't want to jeopardize my family for this fetish. Even though it can dominate my life at times.

  2. #2

    Default

    First, you have got to let your wife know that this is a nonnegotiable part of who you are. Perhaps this needs to be done within the confines of a marriage counselors office. Christian or secular, a good counselor will assure your wife that this behavior is psychologically healthy.

    Second, any type off meeting, be it sexual or platonic, that you need to lie to your wife about is going to affect your relationship negatively. It would be better to have honest tension in your relationship that you could work through than a relationship built on misdirection, half truths, and lies.

  3. #3

    Default

    Sounds like your wife has chosen a kind of indifference to your desires, yeah....but no sort of acceptance...yet you say she's come to terms with it. Does she perceive this as a sickness or something....hanging in there for the "in sickness or in health" clause. If so, her current tolerance probably wouldnt extend to what might otherwise seem to her as cheating I guess as you know her best, you need to work it out. If possible, I'd say you need to arrive at a decision with her. Yes I realise that currently this doesn't seem an option, but perhaps you need to re-explore 'You' and your needs, with her. There may be a chance to up the anti in your own relationship....if not then at least you may be in a stronger position to discuss other discrete arrangements.
    I'm sorry if I'm coming off consellorish....im really just guessing. I wish you luck

  4. #4

    Default

    I can't speak to every much everywhere but the ones I have attended are pretty low key, social events. If you describe it as a social support group to your wife, I don't think you'd be far off the mark, at least insofar as your good intentions would dictate. You could ask in whatever group you belong to if it is okay to bring uninvolved partners (it has been when I have attended). It sounds like your wife wouldn't be interested but I think being able to invite her goes a long way toward legitimizing the outing. I don't know if going will directly help you but it may help you put this in a more social context as well, which was very helpful to me overall.

  5. #5

    Default

    If you have to ask if something is important enough that you need to share with your partner, then it's something important enough that you need to share with your partner.

    You have to explain your needs, you have to ask her how far she's comfortable with you going, and you two need to come to an understanding of boundaries. It's not going to be a fun conversation, but it's a necessary one. It's not fair to you to have your needs unmet and it's not fair to her for you to meet them behind her back.

  6. #6

    Default

    I won't repeat all the good advice already given but when you talk to your wife, stress the platonic part and tell her it's a support group not a dating place.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Khaymen View Post
    First, you have got to let your wife know that this is a nonnegotiable part of who you are. Perhaps this needs to be done within the confines of a marriage counselors office. Christian or secular, a good counselor will assure your wife that this behavior is psychologically healthy.

    Second, any type off meeting, be it sexual or platonic, that you need to lie to your wife about is going to affect your relationship negatively. It would be better to have honest tension in your relationship that you could work through than a relationship built on misdirection, half truths, and lies.
    As far as part one. Counseling. It is difficult for one to embrace counseling (my wife) when there is 'absolutely no reason I need counseling'. We actually have issues with our sex life in general. I have been hinting at getting help. The best response I have gotten from her is that our sex life is personal, not the business of anyone else.

    Part two? I really do agree with this. This is why I haven't done anything of the sort before.



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    Sounds like your wife has chosen a kind of indifference to your desires, yeah....but no sort of acceptance...yet you say she's come to terms with it. Does she perceive this as a sickness or something....hanging in there for the "in sickness or in health" clause. If so, her current tolerance probably wouldnt extend to what might otherwise seem to her as cheating I guess as you know her best, you need to work it out. If possible, I'd say you need to arrive at a decision with her. Yes I realise that currently this doesn't seem an option, but perhaps you need to re-explore 'You' and your needs, with her. There may be a chance to up the anti in your own relationship....if not then at least you may be in a stronger position to discuss other discrete arrangements.
    I'm sorry if I'm coming off consellorish....im really just guessing. I wish you luck
    I really want to be clear here. She has offered no form of acceptance at all. Tolerance is the only thing close, and that came with negotiation. Her initial response was so comically cliché, that I later laughed to myself. She never thought about the pedophile angle, thank god. She did start to question my upbringing, blamed my mother, thought my family is crazy in general (she may have a point there). Of course, in my case, I had a vanilla upbringing. Very happy. I look back on my childhood with fondness. She's not convinced.

    I am very close to her parents. After getting to know their family for the last 25 years, what I can say is that even though they are all 100% Italian, you would swear they were from Egypt, living in denial for generations. (I love that joke!) They tend to brush off problems and conflict, as if it will go away. My wife has learned the hard way, that there are other ways to deal with conflict than to ignore it. My DL behavior seems to be her breaking point. My internal conflict is balancing my 'needs' with her 'needs'. I know that I am a DL and will always be. I would never force this on her. When it comes to heavy relationship issues, her intense vulnerabilities come forward and she retreats into a mild panic. I can't just ignore her response to this. I love her deeply. I was dishonest with her before by keeping this from her for almost 19 years. (I was also being dishonest with myself). When I told her she was shocked but the one thing I think she understood was how difficult it is for me to have these feelings and to tell her about them at all. Remember, in her family, you just bottle it up forever. Anyway, I think I have convinced myself that being dishonest once more, will pose less of a risk than telling her I am going to reveal myself to actual human beings. Herein lies the conflict.



    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor View Post
    I can't speak to every much everywhere but the ones I have attended are pretty low key, social events. If you describe it as a social support group to your wife, I don't think you'd be far off the mark, at least insofar as your good intentions would dictate. You could ask in whatever group you belong to if it is okay to bring uninvolved partners (it has been when I have attended). It sounds like your wife wouldn't be interested but I think being able to invite her goes a long way toward legitimizing the outing. I don't know if going will directly help you but it may help you put this in a more social context as well, which was very helpful to me overall.
    Thank you for the information. I really felt that that was the case. This might be the evidence I if I decide to come clean. She would not attend, I am sure of that.



    Quote Originally Posted by Fruitkitty View Post
    If you have to ask if something is important enough that you need to share with your partner, then it's something important enough that you need to share with your partner.

    You have to explain your needs, you have to ask her how far she's comfortable with you going, and you two need to come to an understanding of boundaries. It's not going to be a fun conversation, but it's a necessary one. It's not fair to you to have your needs unmet and it's not fair to her for you to meet them behind her back.
    In her head, the boundaries have been set. The problem is that the discussion of boundaries took place immediately after the revelation to her about my DL side. Obviously, we need to renegotiate. I am just trying to screw up the courage to discuss it. It's almost as scary as telling her the first time.



    Quote Originally Posted by zipperless View Post
    I won't repeat all the good advice already given but when you talk to your wife, stress the platonic part and tell her it's a support group not a dating place.
    Thank you.

    I appreciate all of your responses. I'm sure the tell, don't tell conflict hits us all at some point. My problem is that even asking the question puts me in a bad light. I do not enjoy being dishonest with my wife. One of the boundaries that my wife set was that I was to be discreet and for her or our child to not see any of it. Basically, she doesn't want to know. In my head this can be interpreted as do it as long as I don't know anything about it. That seems like an invitation to be dishonest.

  8. #8

    Default

    What bothers me here is the lack of support your wife is giving you. I know of families where one spouse either became bi-polar or schizophrenic, and the other spouse never left them, never stopped supporting them, and did everything in their power to help them. In your case, you merely want to wear a diaper. I think your marriage has bigger problems than just the occasional wet diaper.

    You do need to seek mutual counseling, and if not, have an ongoing conversation. None of us are perfect, and we all have something. She did accept you "for better or worse". I don't think this so called "worse" is all that bad considering what other people go through. My wife had her right leg amputated this year. In addition, I'm her kidney dialysis partner, and get her on her machine 5 nights a week. I spend a lot of my free time taking her to her many doctor appointments, and I would never abandon her, not even emotionally. I think your wife has it easy.

  9. #9

    Default

    My honest opinion is, a spouse is a sexual caretaker. It is, in my opinion, a spouse's duty to help cultivate a healthy sex life for their partner. A big part of that is mitigating any and all shame. Email any sex therapist and ask if they think that's true. I know what the answer will be. Good luck...like dogboy said, your wife has it easy. My wife rages with ptsd at times, but I stick with her. Actually, it sounds like you feel worse than she does. Have you told her at times you hate this part of you? She should be more empathetic.

  10. #10

    Default

    I appreciate all of the great advice and insight that you all have given me. I have made a decision. There is a munch this weekend. My work schedule allows a window of opportunity that won't involve actually fibbing about where I will be. I am going to make an appearance and test the waters. I know this is still deceptive, but in my mind I am ok with this scenario. I will let you all know how it goes. Although I suspect you will be upset that I chose to lie. Coming clean for this seems overly dramatic. I love my family. I also know them very well. Let me see if this is something I am even willing to put it on the line for.

    There are deeper issues, I know. Deep. Issues.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 6
    Last Post: 23-Feb-2015, 07:49
  2. Losing the ability to help people, Advice?
    By bvb123 in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 14-Apr-2014, 09:58
  3. Advice for young people.
    By Shyjohnny in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 18-Mar-2014, 18:01
  4. Advice for people new to being Furry?
    By BinkyBoi in forum Babyfur / Diaperfur
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 14-Dec-2013, 09:27
  5. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 09-Nov-2012, 08:02

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.