I think anyone can understand what you're talking about
It may be more of a range kind of thing than a clearly marked category (tolerance vs acceptance).
i.e. You might consider the fact that she lets you do those things around her moves more towards the acceptance side of the scale vs say "I don't mind that you do it just don't do it around me." which is the circumstance of some people. That's still more accepting than not wanting you to do it ever.
I think with most things, this is one of those it's simple and complex cases.
The complexity is in all the variations (e.g. all the levels of acceptance/etc).
The simplicity is "Is this acceptable to me?" which is pretty much a binary question. I think people are afraid to ask and answer these kinds of questions of themselves, and that's one of the common causes of difficulty in relationships. Of course, the existence of children adds another facet to it.
A person can move around on the acceptance scale, so there is a hope. That being said, as with most relationship issues, if you don't talk about it, you'll never know where you stand. Instead of just hoping she eventually migrates to an undefined spot on the scale that makes you happy, it'd be in both of your interests to talk about that.
What would you *like* from her? Do you want her to be a "mommy" figure to you? How do you define that? Is this an in the bedroom thing for you or something you'd like to extend beyond that? Do you just want to feel that she's not disgusted by your AB side? Is there a level of acceptance or participation you feel you need to be happy? These are all different from couple to couple and are not things likely to just fall into place.
It's all quite frustrating though I'm sure. I think everyone can empathize on some level with this.