Tolerance vs Acceptance (by spouse / significant other)

I came out to my wife about my AB side 2.5 months ago. I would say her reaction has been one of tolerance in that she lets me wear diapers to bed and suck on a paci in bed, but she isn't thrilled about it. Although this is good that she is tolerant, that is different than Acceptance. I am hopeful that she will someday really accept that this is part of who I am and not just some weird fantasy that she tolerates.

I was wondering if anyone else with a significant other understands what I am talking about and whether their S.O. made the transition from "tolerance" to "acceptance."

I think anyone can understand what you're talking about

It may be more of a range kind of thing than a clearly marked category (tolerance vs acceptance).

i.e. You might consider the fact that she lets you do those things around her moves more towards the acceptance side of the scale vs say "I don't mind that you do it just don't do it around me." which is the circumstance of some people. That's still more accepting than not wanting you to do it ever.

I think with most things, this is one of those it's simple and complex cases.

The complexity is in all the variations (e.g. all the levels of acceptance/etc).

The simplicity is "Is this acceptable to me?" which is pretty much a binary question. I think people are afraid to ask and answer these kinds of questions of themselves, and that's one of the common causes of difficulty in relationships. Of course, the existence of children adds another facet to it.

A person can move around on the acceptance scale, so there is a hope. That being said, as with most relationship issues, if you don't talk about it, you'll never know where you stand. Instead of just hoping she eventually migrates to an undefined spot on the scale that makes you happy, it'd be in both of your interests to talk about that.

What would you *like* from her? Do you want her to be a "mommy" figure to you? How do you define that? Is this an in the bedroom thing for you or something you'd like to extend beyond that? Do you just want to feel that she's not disgusted by your AB side? Is there a level of acceptance or participation you feel you need to be happy? These are all different from couple to couple and are not things likely to just fall into place.

It's all quite frustrating though I'm sure. I think everyone can empathize on some level with this.

This is a difficult situation ... remember that you dealing with a lot of complex emotions. The fact that she is alowing you to engage in this behaviour shows that she respects you but her apparent mere tolerance suggests that she has a number of personal issues with this....which, as has already been suggested, is not that strange.

2.5 months is a really short time. My partner was probably being more participatory at that stage than at 2.5 years. But I think that when it was still so new, she still hadn't had a chance to process it and was just kinda going with it. This waned into a kind of 'what ever' attitude which was awful for me. What I needed was the loving attention of a caregiver....not just a tolerant 'diligaf' bed buddy.

The acceptance you're seeking will only happen through understanding....which I'm afraid requires a lot of communication.

We cannot expect even those closest to us to comprehend being AB unless they have some similar personal experience. I suspect your wife might see this as a kind of phase and hopes that you'll have your bit of fun and then get back to 'normal'

I am developing the kind of relationship that I require, but it's been a long haul.

My suggestion is be as open and honest about your needs as you can. Perhaps more importantly find out where she's at. Knowledge leads to understanding and eventually acceptance.

I got really lucky. A woman I have known for 17 years and lived across the street from me lost her father (who lived with her.) She wanted to get a relationship going with me so I told her right from the beginning that I wore diapers. She lit right up and now we are heading for our second marriage anniversary and we both wear diapers every night. She enjoys wearing and wetting in diapers just as much as I do.

I waited a long time to find the right woman, and she was worth it.

I'm not sure that is helpful, though. What really made the relationship work is that I am willing to understand her needs and make sure she is happy and healthy every day. I make sure we both get our vitamins, minerals, fiber, proper fats, and exercise. I also make sure we avoid those things that lead to bad health, such as trans fats, hydrogenated oils, corn syrup, etc. We are so focused on good health and happiness that the diapers are just part of the fun.

I think Mama Sanch was always accepting of it, but it took her a while to go from being indifferent and slightly confused by it (but still engaging in occasional ageplay), to her getting really into it. I think the key aspects are time and communication. Any non-Vanilla activity which your partner isn't already inclined towards is likely to take them a while to enjoy, if they ever do. However, it's important to strike a balance between letting the person know that this is important to you, whilst not forcing ABDL on them. Talk about it, and keep up a regular dialogue about the subject without getting to the point where you're trying to engage her in ageplay all the time. Perhaps you could even compromise, by enacting one of her sexual fantasies, and following it up with some ageplay - people are naturally more receptive (physically and emotionally) when they feel their needs are also being met.

I think both that people's reactions vary to finding out about ABDL and also that different ABDL people have different overall needs. There are people on this board, for example, who were married many years before the spouse even found out, and were happy to indulge in secret. Others can be content simply wearing around a spouse.

Personally, my own feelings of asexuality outside of diaper play mean that I feel it's important, for me, to find someone who would engage in some kind of play with me. But that doesn't mean it's true for others. I think it's important to talk to your partner if you're feeling discontent and see how they're feeling to figure out if things could be improved.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been married for over 10 years and told her about me within a couple weeks of meeting. She was initially unsure what to think. From there she entered what I call tolerance and it hasn't changed much from there. She has hardly ever encouraged it and doesn't participate at all. I think one problem is that she doesn't have any kind of fetish which would help her to understand better. So what I've been thinking is how nice it would be to have acceptance instead of tolerance. If I felt she accepted it, then I wouldn't find myself sometimes hiding that I'm wearing a diaper. I would feel like I could ask her to tell me if she could see my diaper under my pants or if it's leaking.

Now because she is "tolerant" of it, I can't gauge her thoughts on my small, overactive bladder and my growing desire to give up the fight against the hourly bathroom trips.

So, yes, I can relate. I wouldn't change the fact that we are together (like if you could go back in time and choose differently) but I know that I have to "accept" the situation as it is.

Thank you so much for your replies. It feels good to know there are people on here who understand what I am talking about and who deal with similar issues.

When I first came out, she didn't totally understand and I was having a hard time explaining, due to embarrassment. So, one day, I tried to totally delve into the mindset of my little side and I wrote a letter to my wife, written from the perspective of my little side. This made it easier for me to express my self and my wife said she was glad I wrote it because it was a better explanation of things than she had found in her own research (always dangerous for S.O. To be doing random Google searches about adults wanting to act like babies). Perhaps I will try to have my little side write a follow-up letter to check in with her and maybe initiate more discussionabout it.

Tolerance by your SO is half-victory.

From Tolerance to Acceptance. It has been 6 years since I told my wife. I'll let you know when she stops being weird-ed out by the whole thing.

Some women are vanilla through and through. Never going to change. I'm not trying to worry you. Just be aware that along with all of the wonderful stories about how "I told my wife and now we both wear diapers every night", there are the realities of probably the majority of us with significant others that tolerance, and in the case of my wife, disgust is all we can hope for. There are worse outcomes, but I won't go there now.

plasticsounds said:

[...] disgust is all we can hope for. There are worse outcomes, but I won't go there now.

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Wow, those are some pretty strong words. I don't think I could ever live with the knowledge that my partner, the person I choose to spend my life with, feels really disgusted by an important part of me.

How can there be worse outcomes? You might be thinking of divorce, but after reading your post, I think I would rather separate from someone I disgust instead of being together with them.

CaptainFelix said:

Wow, those are some pretty strong words. I don't think I could ever live with the knowledge that my partner, the person I choose to spend my life with, feels really disgusted by an important part of me.

How can there be worse outcomes? You might be thinking of divorce, but after reading your post, I think I would rather separate from someone I disgust instead of being together with them.

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Did you have any brothers or sisters growing up? My experience is that you can have a person who does some things that disgust you and still love them very much.

CaptainFelix said:

Wow, those are some pretty strong words. I don't think I could ever live with the knowledge that my partner, the person I choose to spend my life with, feels really disgusted by an important part of me.

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There are many different kinds of relationships. Some people actually need friction and generate lots of drama. I'm not one of them, and apparently, neither are you. I make choices that fill my life with only happiness and good health. It takes a lot of mental effort to visualize the life we want, and a lot of discipline to make the environment for it to materialize.

I feel a bit sad for those who have spouses who don't share diapers. My first wife was like that. When I look back, the relationship was like a kick start motorcycle that just couldn't get running. She was a fine person and we loved each other, but we couldn't truly share our lives. My present marriage is far better. We both enjoy diapers. She enjoys washing them and folding them. We keep the diapers in the open on our bed headboard, along with our onesies. Anybody who walks into our home can see them. We sit around the house in diapers and live an otherwise normal life. I even sit out on our back deck in nothing but a diaper and t-shirt during the summer while grilling steaks. The ongoing feeling of comfort and acceptance never grows old.

CaptainFelix said:

Wow, those are some pretty strong words. I don't think I could ever live with the knowledge that my partner, the person I choose to spend my life with, feels really disgusted by an important part of me.

How can there be worse outcomes? You might be thinking of divorce, but after reading your post, I think I would rather separate from someone I disgust instead of being together with them.

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I think it is important to note that my life is so much more than my diapers. I have a very good home life, children, nice home fantastic dog. Keep in mind that she is not disgusted with me personally. Its the thought of an adult man in diapers. After I told her about the diapers, she and I resumed our normal love life. We periodically joke around about my tendencies. I think most vanillas would side with my wife. My relationship was started and is based on my vanilla life. I guess you could say I have two distinct POV's. Being a Gemini, I'm good with that.

ArchieRoni said:

Did you have any brothers or sisters growing up? My experience is that you can have a person who does some things that disgust you and still love them very much.

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I actually have two sisters and one brother. I can't say there are many things they do that really disgust me. And even if there were, there is nothing I could do about them being my siblings. I can, however, choose the person I want to be in a relationship with, especially since in my mind this is the person that I want to spend a significant part if not the rest of my life with.

So I can keep loving my sibling because of a "well, that is not my thing but if it makes you happy, then go for it" attitude. However, I think I would have a hard time doing that with a partner when the "thing" we are talking about is something that is so important to me or them. My partner is supposed to be the most important person in my life, so how could I ignore an integral part of them?

plasticsounds said:

I think it is important to note that my life is so much more than my diapers. I have a very good home life, children, nice home fantastic dog. Keep in mind that she is not disgusted with me personally. Its the thought of an adult man in diapers. After I told her about the diapers, she and I resumed our normal love life. We periodically joke around about my tendencies. I think most vanillas would side with my wife. My relationship was started and is based on my vanilla life. I guess you could say I have two distinct POV's. Being a Gemini, I'm good with that.

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Well, I guess it depends on how important diapers are to you. For me, my little side (and the diapers that go along with it) is an important part of my personality. Something that I can not just stop doing. If my significant other would not love me because of my inner little but despite of it, I don't think I could be happy in the long run. Good for you, that it works for you! I guess I projected my expectations on you and that is why I was sort of shocked to read your post.