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Thread: Is there a point in a relationship when it's too late to tell your spouse?

  1. #1

    Default Is there a point in a relationship when it's too late to tell your spouse?

    I have been married to my wife for almost 11 years, but have been ABDL for pretty much my whole life. I'm a diaper lover only and love to wear as a fetish and have no desires to act or to be treated as a baby. I know the best thing would have been to tell my wife as we were dating, but I seriously believed I could quit diapers cold turkey. It worked for a couple of years, but the desire came back strong and I started wearing in secret. I even found some diaper buddies that I could hang out with while being diapered. Well, every time I wear, I feel guilty like I'm hiding this huge secret (because I am) from my wife and it kills me. I have planned to tell her many times throughout our marriage but chicken out right before I get the words out. I can tell you right now that my wife is very vanilla in the bedroom and seriously has no kinks...or at least none she admits to. Even our sex positions are missionary only and she doesn't want to explore anything else. I'm afraid that she will flip out and want to take the kids and leave me or, less severely, look at me as less of a man from that day forward and no longer be attracted to me. Also, I believe she might be upset over me keeping such a big secret for so long.

    All that to ask this. Is there any point in a marriage or relationship where you should just say "screw it" and decide to always keep it a secret? Have I passed that point? Has anybody else told their spouse late into their marriage? How did it go? I want to hear negative and positive reactions. And also I would appreciate some suggestions on how to do it.

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2

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    I told my wife I was a DL after 41 years of marriage, but we were no longer physically intimate for the previous 14. The only reason that I did so is because she caught me. If I had not "fessed up", she would have thought that I was having another severe bout of colitis, and she worries when I have them. She is a retired pediatric nurse and telling her was a non-event. I am however still discreet about purchases, stash, disposal, wearing, etc.

  3. #3

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    Take whatever anyone has to say with a grain of salt. Only you can have the answer to that question. That being said my two cents are, it's never too late to tell her. I see that your age is 33. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life trying to hide your secret. She'll probably find out anyways. My kids knew by the age of 7 and I tried to hide everything. Would you rather have her confront you? She'll be hurt at the very least. Devastated at the worst. At 60 I can tell you your DL side won't go away. It comes out at the worst times when you are in the most stressful situations. I would tell her... She has the right to know. Secrets as big as your DL should not be hidden. It will eat you alive. If she's really the one for you, she'll accept it. Maybe not to the degree you would like, but at least she knows. From years of reading forums and such it seems roughly 2/3rds of the spouses have come to some degree of acceptance. That's not including the ones that never say whether their wives do accept the DL thing. It seems most all the readers of non accepter spouses to let the forum readers know.

    My daughter just lost her marriage of 15 years after her husband cheated on her. She was blindsided by it and devastated. After a few weeks she came to realize that her life wasn't over. That it was actually a bright new dawn. If need be you can start over. Divorce would be the worst case scenario. Probably not likely, but the whole ABDL thing has taken casualties. There's the possibility that she could poison your relationships with your children and friends Is she a vindictive intolerant individual, or a more loving accepting person. If she is the loving type, I think she'd accept your non mainstream interests. Tell her about it in a quiet moment when she has time to digest the whole thing. Explain to her that you tried to overcome it and it just won't go away. Try to explain where the desires came from. It probably goes back to your childhood and that it has nothing to do with her or anything she's done. Telling my wife with only weeks before our wedding was the hardest thing I've ever done. I broke down crying and fell to pieces. She thought I had a terminal illness and was actually relieved when I got the whole thing out. Nearly 40 years later she accepts it more than I do. That's not to say it hasn't caused a LOT of pain along the way. All I can say about that is make certain you take care of her needs before you indulge in you pastime. Always put her first.

    Well, That's my two cents. Good luck. I remember clearly how my secret tore me up....
    Last edited by Metoo; 11-Feb-2015 at 14:49. Reason: grammar

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by PaddedInHesperia View Post
    I have been married to my wife for almost 11 years, but have been ABDL for pretty much my whole life. I'm a diaper lover only and love to wear as a fetish and have no desires to act or to be treated as a baby. I know the best thing would have been to tell my wife as we were dating, but I seriously believed I could quit diapers cold turkey. It worked for a couple of years, but the desire came back strong and I started wearing in secret. I even found some diaper buddies that I could hang out with while being diapered. Well, every time I wear, I feel guilty like I'm hiding this huge secret (because I am) from my wife and it kills me. I have planned to tell her many times throughout our marriage but chicken out right before I get the words out. I can tell you right now that my wife is very vanilla in the bedroom and seriously has no kinks...or at least none she admits to. Even our sex positions are missionary only and she doesn't want to explore anything else. I'm afraid that she will flip out and want to take the kids and leave me or, less severely, look at me as less of a man from that day forward and no longer be attracted to me. Also, I believe she might be upset over me keeping such a big secret for so long.

    All that to ask this. Is there any point in a marriage or relationship where you should just say "screw it" and decide to always keep it a secret? Have I passed that point? Has anybody else told their spouse late into their marriage? How did it go? I want to hear negative and positive reactions. And also I would appreciate some suggestions on how to do it.

    Thanks in advance.
    I told my wife after being married for about 10 years. Was surprised that it was really a non-issue, though she thought it was a little weird. She doesn't bat an eye when I put one on or make purchases now. The most important thing I think is that this is only part of who/what we are.

  5. #5

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    Hey PaddedInHesperia, this is a big thing to disclose.
    I told my wife 3 years into marriage and to be honest it made me really paranoid and i worried constantly what she really thought of me, leading me to fall into depression after too much self reflection.
    To me this is a big deal as you open the flood gates and admit something that is so misunderstood.
    I want you too think hard on this one as the reward is great.
    The risk is equally huge though.
    It worked out great for me in the end so i wish you luck!

  6. #6

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    My story hasn't been the smoothest, and my wife and I at least touched on the subject while we were engaged. I'd throw up a giant "proceed with extreme caution" flag. We all know that once words are out, there is NO taking them back. So, as cliche as it is, make sure it's a can of worms that you want to open, it could turn into something way bigger than you want.

  7. #7

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    You can't keep your secret from your wife (especially your wife) forever.

    Keep us updated!

  8. #8

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    Well a few days ago, we were watching tv and we saw a program where the husband had a bad accident and became paraplegic. The wife stuck around and took care of him because she loved him. I turned to my wife and asked if she would do the same thing. Without even batting an eye, she said yes. I went further by asking if she would still love me in other hypothetical situations and she said yes. The last one I asked was if she would still love me if I had a weird leather fetish. She thought about it for a few seconds and then said "yes, I would still love you, but I wouldnt wear it for you". At this point, I almost asked about a diaper fetish, but I froze up and just ended the conversation there by saying, "well don't worry, I don't have a leather fetish" and laughed it off. I am such a wimp.

  9. #9

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    I was caught by my wife 13 years in. She doesn't participate at all, but seems to be at peace with it. Honestly, I'd be far more worried about coming out too soon. When you've been married for a decade or more before coming out, it's pretty easy for your spouse to see where the diapers fit into the Big Picture, because the Big Picture has mostly been painted. If you come out early on, there's a lot more room for extrapolation.

    Relationships are give-and-take, and as such they entail some strategy. The oft-voiced "tell early" approach is well-meaning but naive, in my opinion. It may make sense in situations where the desire of the teller is to openly wear diapers 24x7, but that's not everybody.

    Timing can be worth a thousand words -- as long as you're honest with yourself about what you want those thousand words to be.

  10. #10

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    It's too late after you aren't in the relationship anymore. Any time before that, it's not too late, although you will have to endure whatever negative feelings may understandably arise from withholding it for so long.

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