I've been around a long time, longer than I care to admit sometimes. I'm only in my early 30's and yet I feel like I've already lived a full life time when it comes to this particular world. Everything is so easy now a days. Support is everywhere. You have a question, there's most likely someone just a click away with a answer for you. I never had that and I'm envious of you people who do. Everything from multiple support forums (adisc), Youtube, Fetlife, Craigslist, Tumblr, etc etc. It's absolutely insane how accepting this is now a days compared to the limited resources some of us had to struggle with. I never felt so alone and now a whole pool of you are out there. Why are theses feelings of being overwhelmed when I should be happy? Everything is such a competition it feels like. Who can post the better baby personal and grab one of the few mommies or daddies out there? I'm so tired of this game but it never ends. I see ads where people want a specific age range and I look at their photo thinking to myself you realize age doesn't always mean everything. I'm older than you and I look younger than you and my heart is in a better place. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Don't get me wrong though, I know one day I'm going to be that creepy old guy in the dark corner that people are afraid to approach. Full of knowledge to share and yet barely anyone can look at me let alone talk to me. I'm not there yet but the thought does the scare the hell out of me. We're given one life to live and the one thing I want more than anything in the world continues to drift further away. I'm hurt and emotionally spent. I feel like a captain who has chosen to sink with his ship in a sea of tears. It's just fucking bullshit that it's come down to this. This is not who I wanted to be, ever. What do I even do from here?
Age 16. Mommy 1. Names retracted due to respect and privacy. God. What do I even say about you? You were my first. The reason I didn't kill myself when I never felt so alone. My own parents couldn't even stomach my sick desires and finally disowned me at the age of 17 to prove their point. Yet you always remained by my side. I remember when you would call me every night, talk for hours on end. There was some nights where you even talk till I fell asleep and I warn you ahead of time that might happen. It made no difference to you though since you wanted me well rested and took great pride in your power over me. I even remember the snail mail you would send. Your Blues Clues themed envelopes. Falling for you hard and yet when I fell you were no where to be found. You remember that? I told you I wanted to visit because the urge to hug you, hold you, be held, talk to you, and smile at you could not be ignored. Why the fuck did you stand me up!? It's one thing if I was just a city away but I traveled from California to Texas for you only to have you nowhere to be found. I'll never forget the time I stood right by your mailbox. I was right there! You got cold feet and I simply had to accept it as I drowned myself in a bottle of liquor later on that night crying myself to sleep in my fucking hotel room damning all this abdl shit to hell. Frustrated at everything. Not wanting to be apart of this anymore. To be normal. Ha! *snicker*
Yet even after you. It took me years to finally continue the search but I eventually did. The stories are no where close to what we had but they all hurt in their own way. Should I share? Fuck it. Nothing to lose at this point.
Mommy 2. Ahhh yes my first introduction to the world of Craigslist. A true cesspool of shit that has brought me nothing but misery. You seemed nice so I gave you a chance. We talked for eight months, EIGHT months until you finally broke down those trust barriers and agreed to meet me. We had a incredible afternoon or so I thought anyway. Just mommy and baby/son spending a quality day together. You pumped my head full of lies and empty promises though. A few days later you break up with me online claiming the reality of it all is too much for you. "This is not what God wants and I want to adopt real children". Ouch. Months pass and you feel the strong desire to contact me out of the blue claiming you're getting married. Not only that but you're pregnant now. Married to who? Oh that creepy guy at work that you claimed was stalking at you work all the time to me? Good for you. Here here, you're doing it wrong. You grab the knife like this and twist in a awkward angle. FUCK! See, now you got it.
Mommy 3. More years pass and my wounds have healed. Craigslist once again. We start out strong. I remember I met you a week before my big snowboard accident. You visited me in the hospital even. You even gave me a sponge bath! Heck you spent the night with me in the hospital sometimes. Where the hell did this one go wrong? I though you were finally the one because you just had this overwhelming sense of care about you which I'm not complaining. I nearly fucking died in that hospital when the blood clots in my lungs reached a critical level and instead I fought the good fight. You even had my nurses calling me "baby". God, you crazy crazy girl. Finally given the okay to go home after a long month in that hospital being tortured by Disney's live action channel and other assorted crap on my limited selection of tv. Then something happened after that? You claimed I was asking too much of you when I asked to spend time with you. I'm sorry if that was too much, just you know, pretty fucking lonely being stuck on the couch unable to move. So I backed off. Yet weeks later you complain I'm avoiding you? Uh? What? Uh? Uh? Uh? Next thing I know you're telling me it's over while we're online. Wow. Hey blood clots you want to come back and finish the job? No further comment your honor.
Mommy 4. Once again Craigslist. I'll admit we rushed right into it. You're the only mommy where I have myself to blame for ending it. Why? You would never admit it but you're in time in your life where you are not ready for this yet. You struggled hard with school and kept failing at your classes saying you were too distracted by work and us. I took it as a sign that now wasn't a good time and removed myself from the picture because your studies were far more than important to me. I offered to help but you turned me down. Nothing I can do but say goodbye. It was fun meeting you though and teaching you things since you were so new to it all.
Mommy 5. My first one from Fetlife. Unreal. You just always found a way to make yourself the victim to me. I tried to be understanding. Patient. Concerned. It just felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around you. I don't know why I put up with it either. Maybe I've reached that point where I'm desperate to find a mommy who truly gets me and truly understands what it means to be a mommy. I thought since you were the oldest one from my past experience you would have the maturity and knowledge in your favor. It turned out to be the exact opposite. Just absolutely bitter. I hope to God I don't turn into that. You looked for any excuse to end it or avoid meeting me this weekend. Well you got your wish and the last word as you fired off your hateful insults at me. I never deserved that.
Now I lie here staring off into the distance, mouth open, unable to speak, stuck in silence.
Fuck you. Go away.