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Thread: Danger of hiding who you are

  1. #1

    Default Danger of hiding who you are

    Full discrepancy disclosure, I'm an advocate of being more open about the AB/DL self, but still being careful about it.

    I'm sure this thread will be a bit of a firestorm because of the debate on how different our thing is to homosexuality, but I think the most important thing I would like to contemplate on this thread is the life expectancy problem brought by this video.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/morgana_bai...ng_who_you_are

    According to the video, lgbt people that live in suppressing communities have a life expectancy loss of 12 years. Do you think that we are that different in this particular problem?
    Last edited by Tyger; 28-Jan-2015 at 23:32.

  2. #2

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    No, I don't think we face the extent of challenges that the LGBT community does - especially in more conservative environments. Obviously we're a smaller community than the LGBT community, so there's less news about ABDL, but I'm yet to hear of a suicide, a stress-related death or even a homicide which has been brought on by the fact the person is an ABDL. Contrastingly, those are unfortunately common occurrences (suicides in particular) for LGBTs in families, communities and even countries which are extremely hostile towards LGBTs - and whilst I wouldn't want to make assumptions without statistics, it often seems to be that Transgender individuals suffer from an especially large amount of internal and external issues regarding their sexual orientation and identity.

    I get frustrated sometimes that I have to be necessarily discreet about being an ABDL, but it's not a cause of extreme stress for me, or for any other ABDLs I've encountered. I don't feel that I'm 'hiding' or 'denying' anything as major as my sexual orientation and identity by being cautious about anyone discovering my AB/Little side. If we suffer any of the same problems as the LGBT community, I think we experience them at a less severe and pervasive level.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    Full discrepancy, I'm an advocate of being more open about the AB/DL self, but still being careful about it.
    Discrepancy? No need to beat yourself up.

    I can't watch the video right now, but will do so tonight. Guessing that it has to do with chronic stress, though. If that's the case, then I suppose some of us might expect a similar fate. It's not a perfect comparison, of course. One might also wonder whether those who suffer the most with hiding ABDL are those for whom the tendencies are especially dominant. In those cases, difficulty moderating oneself might be a predictor of rejection when coming out. In other words, while keeping it in might be bad for you in a way similar to LGBT, coming out may be disproportionately harmful, so it's not obvious to me that being open is some sort of answer.

    Again, I could be way out on a limb, having not watched the video.

    I'm not actively opposed to being more open about this stuff, by the way. I think some look at it as a way to build broad acceptance of ABDL as a lifestyle or sexuality, though, and I simply don't think it works that way, not with our numbers being as small as they are. There's no viable, coherent "cause" here. In short: If you're going to come out about ABDL, do it for you.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    According to the video, lgbt people that live in suppressing communities have a life expectancy loss of 12 years. Do you think that we are that different in this particular problem?

    No I do not believe we are that different from the rest of the LGBT communities actually. Please keep in mind I said I don't think we are exactly the same either. There are similarities but there are differences as well.


    Why is it I can't go to a park and suck on my pacifier while wearing a dress openly without saying a word to anyone to simply read a children's book without being ostracized for it? Why is it there is in fact a false perception that AB's are "pedophiles"? Do I not have the right to simply relax in a park and be myself? I would not be trying to raise awareness or anything like that simply because I feel no need to do so. Neither would I be doing that for attention because I can care less about what other people think since I am not hurting anyone. I would theoretically be doing that simply because the weather is good and I need to slow down, relax, and enjoy the sun or something like that because it's not healthy for me to not be myself most of the time. But I sure would draw a lot of unwanted and negative attention to myself if I did that in real life right? The truth of the matter is no one has the right to tell me how to live as long as it does no harm to me or anyone else.


    What I would like actually is to simply be ignored if I was to do something like that. But I can't do that and expect to not be targeted for allegedly being a "pedophile" or a "lunatic" or otherwise ostracized like that correct? I could even be physically attacked despite my intimidating presence simply because of me allegedly being a "pedophile" or something like that. The reason why there are not a lot about stories like that is because there are simply not enough AB's in the world to make those stories common in the first place. But that does not mean they don't happen or are any less real.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cottontail View Post
    Discrepancy? No need to beat yourself up.
    Lol, I mean disclosure.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Sanch View Post
    but I'm yet to hear of a suicide, a stress-related death or even a homicide which has been brought on by the fact the person is an ABDL.
    I haven't heard of any either, but I remember when we had 13+ year old's on here, there was a lot of talk about suicide.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by accepted View Post
    What I would like actually is to simply be ignored if I was to do something like that.
    I think that this would actually be very ideal. Unless somebody has something to say that is positive about my ab/dl side, if it isn't harming anybody, then leave it alone.

    This last Halloween, I had a leopard tail as my costume to work, and got sort of a half and half response out of it. Some thought it was awesome, and some thought it was peculiar. My boss in particular thought it was weird. It would be so much easier to be myself if the people who thought something was weird would just shut up, and the people who thought something was awesome would continue with their compliments. I swear that one negative comment diminishes 2-3 compliments. It just makes it harder is all.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    LI haven't heard of any either, but I remember when we had 13+ year old's on here, there was a lot of talk about suicide.
    Without wanting to cast any aspersion on whether individuals discussing suicide actually have the propensity to take their own life, or are speaking as a cry for help, there's a big difference between saying you want to kill yourself and actually doing it. As someone who has experienced the devastation of someone close to me committing suicide, I can say that it's not always the people who talk most about ending their life that actually take the steps to do it.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sanch View Post
    Without wanting to cast any aspersion on whether individuals discussing suicide actually have the propensity to take their own life, or are speaking as a cry for help, there's a big difference between saying you want to kill yourself and actually doing it. As someone who has experienced the devastation of someone close to me committing suicide, I can say that it's not always the people who talk most about ending their life that actually take the steps to do it.
    I'm perfectly aware of that, but discussing it is much closer to doing it, than not discussing it at all. And I remember one member who talked about exactly how he was going to do it and where. I haven't had anybody close to me commit the act, but I did spend an hour with a stranger who was cutting his wrists, and tried to stop him(until the police came). Around two years later, after having seen the act, I contemplated it pretty heavily myself. I can't say that I know for sure what amount of emotion that the young members were going through, but if it was anything like the level I was at, it wasn't to get attention, and it wasn't healthy or deserved.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sanch View Post
    Without wanting to cast any aspersion on whether individuals discussing suicide actually have the propensity to take their own life, or are speaking as a cry for help, there's a big difference between saying you want to kill yourself and actually doing it. As someone who has experienced the devastation of someone close to me committing suicide, I can say that it's not always the people who talk most about ending their life that actually take the steps to do it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    I'm perfectly aware of that, but discussing it is much closer to doing it, than not discussing it at all. And I remember one member who talked about exactly how he was going to do it and where. I haven't had anybody close to me commit the act, but I did spend an hour with a stranger who was cutting his wrists, and tried to stop him(until the police came). Around two years later, after having seen the act, I contemplated it pretty heavily myself. I can't say that I know for sure what amount of emotion that the young members were going through, but if it was anything like the level I was at, it wasn't to get attention, and it wasn't healthy or deserved.
    It's hardly ever a cry for help because usually people in so much despair cannot imagine what it would be like to be happy anymore. I know because I did try to go through with it once and I was only thinking (not thinking very clearly at that) that I was simply wasting oxygen. The one's that really need to be watched out for are the one's who talk about it then not say much of anything at a certain point because they are probably about to try suicide. At the point where they become silent is when they see it as a waste of time to cry for help essentially. I know it was like that for me. I even ate a meal before trying because I wanted to think how I was going to do it and thought it would clear my head up so I could do it "right". Most people thought I was fine and I even said hello to some of my friends that day like nothing was wrong because they did not need to worry about never seeing me again as I thought(I thought wrong of course) I would not be missed. The truth of the matter is I know exactly what it's like because I am the anomaly that just happened to live through it unlike so many other's.


    To this day I still have no clue what my self worth really is because I can't see myself as being useful which is why I am mystified when people tell me I am some sort of a crusader or something grandiose like that. I never found out what it felt like to hate myself more then my enemies ever could but I can say I came as close to doing that as one can get without that being the case. My obsession with excellence simply never allows me to boast like that because I simply don't care enough to concern myself with the notion usually. This is why I have to help other's because it's the only thing left for me that makes any sense of my being alive as somehow worthwhile. This is the danger of hiding who we are sometimes.

  9. #9

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    The problem is that coming out often causes more stress than staying in the closet, at least in the beginning. I've experienced both, coming out as gay when I was in college, and having to face my accusatory parents, admitting to having sex with my best friend, and wearing and using diapers. What a horrible combination at that young age.

    As most of us have said in the past, choosing a same sex life partner, and wanting to live in this world as a loving couple, means that to be happy, homosexuality must be accepted by others. I don't intend to introduce my diaper to my friends, or at the office Christmas party. It's just not the same. That doesn't mean that having to hide a part of my personality doesn't create stress, or even risk. It does, but living openly with the one you love seems to me to be a must in order to be happy. To be condemned for loving someone of the same sex could certainly lead to extreme, self harming behavior.

    At the same time, I have heard and read other blogs where AB/DLs are openly condemned, being called weird and sick. That stresses me to some small degree, but it is small. They won't ever know that I'm "one of them". But if my life partner was of the same sex, everyone who's close to me would know. Not having the acceptance and respect would be very difficult indeed.

  10. #10

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    Disclosure/Non-Disclosure is a difficult subject, and it is subjective, depending upon the individual and the timing and circumstances. Being Gay myself, the only place I am safe being open about being Gay is at my Open & Affirming LGBT Accepting Church or with other autistic and cerebral palsy disabled adults I know who are LGBT.

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