My name is Chris. I do not consider myself any of the standard labels (Adult Baby, Little, Diaper Lover).
I am a 22 year old boy. Perhaps a 22 year old mommies boy who never had proper adult figures.
Oddly I do not remember most of my childhood before the age of 13. Pretty much blocked out other than memories of home videos. I can tell I was a very different, quiet, constantly "deep in thought." Recently I have began to remember some details I may share later.
For me diapers are not at all sexual. [In fact I only now have my firs ever pack coming With a NUK 5 and onsie! My first ever items other than my baba.] Diapers are the major transitional device (similar to female clothing for transgender people) into a state where I can completely let go of what I think is my identity. To dawn my dippie will cause the current identity shame. "That embarrassment felt is central to the experience. The desire involved is to experience the feelings of extreme vulnerability." The disgrace (the loss of respect, honor, or esteem; ignominy).
-The ability to put these feelings aside is the key to unlock my percieved sense of identity. Back to an identity where all self-awareness, control andl decisons are suspended. The most innate ablities such as; control over "uh-ohs", when my dippie will be changed, the capability to change myself (I suppose I will use a timer) , leading me to a being unaware of existence as a physical being with my own thoughts and actions.
Which leads me to what I feel seperates me from many I have seen on ABDL scene:
By entering this state, I place myself in the reality of a child. And although children cannot work a timer, they have MOMMY and DADDY. MOMMY and DADDY decide; who, what, when, where, why and how (although in my family it was only who, what, where, when.) FULLY DEPENDANT and unable to think for myself. MOMMY and DADDY's hapiness, is my hapiness; and that is all that matters. I get what I need, MOMMY and DADDY decide what I get and what I need. " It is a more profound surrender and demonstration of respect to entrust your [MOMMY and DADDY] with the role of parent, and of that responsibility they [SHOULD] must be worthy."
Diapers represent the "humbled [nature] under the strict authority of the parent." Thus diapers represent an athouratative figure who holds complete control over me in every single possible way.!!! _OF COURSE I WISH SOMEONE WAS ON THE OTHER END_!!!
No one has been on the other end my whole life, and I see the effects it has had. It is strange how I arrived here, writing this intro on an ABDL website. It started with some memories from childhood, some deep mental thought and some profound insight I do not even remember thinking of that I found beautifully summed up as:
"The freedom to engage in irresponsible, harmful, and self-destructive behavior. That is the condition of freedom under which we live as adults, and for some the result is unwanted behavior and a feeling that something is missing. We may still wish to rebel. We may still act in ways that are not always in our own best interest. We realize our shortcomings, and we know about consequences. Some boys and girls will always need strict discipline to punish effectively. They may not enjoy it, but it is truly for their own good."
Having recently becoming sober I have had to come to terms with the shame misbehavior that clearly violated principles of right and wrong. The additional embarrassment of PARENTAL DISCIPLINE causes feelings of deep humility. Feelings of fear and helplessness, yet under a safe and rational authority. If I am a bad boy, and I nat to ...NEED TO... have my comeuppance to show me I was not above the old-fashioned penalty I had earned. Thus learning my lesson, and demonstrate the effect on modifying my behavior and attitude.
When subject to discipline at a MOMMY or DADDY's discretion,the "body reacts---your heart beats, blood flows, muscles tighten, each breath is now more a burden, and when the answer comes that, yes, you really are going to be disciplined." A feeling difficult to stimulate alone, without MOMMY or DADDY Misbehavior, and discipline is the measured consequence. It helps reinforce blame on myself for the predicament you are in with MOMMY and DADDY.
To sum it up; Now that I am an "adult" who has proven incapable of controlling all the aspects of my life I desire control over, I long to demonstrate that dependence on, and deference to, the authority figure. My whole life I have had to to appear "grown up,"and now that I am, I am realizing all of the growing I missed out on. I admit I have been trying to prove my independance my whole life and have proven unable to do as I please, and to take care of myself.I instead wish to be firmly under their MOMMY and DADDY's genuine authority and care.
Unfortunately a diaper is only a symbol. But maybey one day I will meet MY MOMMY who will hold me acountable, give me advice, train me, look out for my best interest, punish actions against my (our) best interests. Someone to dictate some aspects of my life to help me (us) get to a better/happier place. Someone to confide in, and become competely vulnerable to in attempt to develop the periods of becoming an adult I missed out on.