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Thread: In love with girl with daddy issues?

  1. #1

    Default In love with girl with daddy issues?

    during the first semester, I met a girl (duh) and she's awesome and we're great friends and her whole family loves me and always wants me over. However, that's about as far as it's gotten. She is into older guys, idk why. For some reason out in the sticks where I am (upstate ny) the girls (17-19) want guys who are like 26-28. To me, this seems linked to some unresolved paternal issues, but they get defensive whenever I bring up my theories which they deny but give no counter theory. My point is, being only a year older than her, how can I compete with that sort of inclination? I got a mustache but that's about all I can do, since height is permanently stuck where it is at like 5'3. Any suggestions to appear more older or something? I know this is completely contradictory to our interests here, but just for the sake of this, for my love for her and the untapped potential we have, what can I do?

  2. #2

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    Well, ... a little pop psychology can go a long way and do a great deal of harm. A simple age range dating preference is far less than you need to diagnose unresolved parental issues. Then the issue of backlash from challenging someone to disprove such issues. I've studied psychology and would like to become an accredited counselor some day and I realize one inalienable truth, I know just enough to be dangerous. Emotions and psychological issues are like dynamite, you can understand enough of how it works without accurately estimating its potency and get hurt.

    Now as to your relationship with this girl.

    Number one, it may not be an age range she seeks but the emotional maturity she sees in that category.

    Number two, if she grows to love you factors like some arbitrary age preference will disappear.

    I know it sounds cliche, but don't try to appear or be anything. Just be yourself, and it will or will not be and that will be for the best. Take it from a guy who got married to the person who he was sure was his soul mate and was separated three and a half years later. Relationships are never a one shot deal that will never come again and obsessed broken hearts do mend and can love again burning with just as much intensity as they ever could.

    I wish you the best in love be it with this girl or another,
    Khaymen

  3. #3

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    To be honest, liking older men isn't a new thing or something that would just be applied to having daddy issues. I know it might be odd because most men like young women.. but on the flip side many men really do just get more and more attractive to women with age. Many men really grow into some really refined features that are super attractive. Many times it's simply that, a legitimate attraction and interest. They can see older men as more mature, down to earth, stable, reliable, pass a lot of the petty immaturity they believe that many young men probably still cling to. Refined.. intelligent, worldly. Even on a base, emotionless genetic level.. a female of a species like ours desiring a man they believe not to be flighty and immature makes a lot of sense. Just the same way a man attracted to a young female makes sense in that boring fertility way.

    This does not always mean that she wants you to look that way, just the way that a man can like a woman with DD breasts but still not expect every woman to look like that. This does also not mean she has daddy issues. You definitely need more to go on then just an interest in older men. Most women I know prefer older men.. older men are really attractive.

    As someone with unresolved parent issues who has called all my serious partners daddy and mommy at some point I can tell you there is a huge difference.

    Try to keep yourself open-minded and realize well, telling someone that their legitimate attraction is obviously just an issue.. is quite insulting. It makes it sound like you are saying there is something wrong with like older men, that it's something that should be cured from them. Very few people are going to react positively to that kinda sudden accusation in general.

    I understand you probably mean it to help, you might think someone has legitimate issues.. but that sort of thing takes a whole level of understanding, patience, and respect to deal with as well. Especially if you love the person.

    On how to appear older? I imagine it's somewhere in trying to find a balance between class and casual. There is a perfect zen between looking like you care, but you also don't want to be flashy in anyway. Really safe and normal is probably a way to go as well, especially with hair.
    Last edited by gigglemuffinz; 07-Jan-2015 at 08:32.

  4. #4

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    Yes, now that I'm 67, all the young teenage girls want to hang out with me. So all you have to do is wait until you get older....a lot older! Actually, my wife is a year and a half younger than I am, and she chased after me. I do agree with all that has been said. Typically girls look for someone a little more mature because girls tend to mature faster than guys. But eventually, things begin to equal out.

    I agree that you should just be yourself. If this girl enjoys your company, you have a good start. I understand that girls also like a man with a sense of humor. I think that was one of my strong points. Certainly, making a lot of money wasn't one of them.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterscotch View Post
    during the first semester, I met a girl (duh) and she's awesome and we're great friends and her whole family loves me and always wants me over. However, that's about as far as it's gotten. She is into older guys, idk why. For some reason out in the sticks where I am (upstate ny) the girls (17-19) want guys who are like 26-28. To me, this seems linked to some unresolved paternal issues, but they get defensive whenever I bring up my theories which they deny but give no counter theory. My point is, being only a year older than her, how can I compete with that sort of inclination? I got a mustache but that's about all I can do, since height is permanently stuck where it is at like 5'3. Any suggestions to appear more older or something? I know this is completely contradictory to our interests here, but just for the sake of this, for my love for her and the untapped potential we have, what can I do?
    Do yourself a favor and forget about her for now. Like another user said, yes, she is probably looking for emotional maturity, but more importantly, she is looking for the father she never had, the authority figure. Being that you haven't gotten with her already, she does not see you like this. Chances are it will be a long time, filled with dedicated work to improving yourself physically and characteristically, before she comes around; otherwise, kiss her goodbye right now.

    Women like a man who shows little emotion, someone who is rock solid. Women don't desire a man who is emotional; it's their role to be emotional. The fact that you love her even though she has done nothing to reflect such feelings is a really bad starting point in your efforts to pursue her. It means you're easy, and that is a very dangerous approach to winning any woman over, because they can and usually will take advantage. I hope that stings, because it needs to.

    Women also do not like a man who feels that he needs to prove something to them. You cannot solve their issues, because what they have are not issues needing to be fixed, especially by someone who sees these characteristics for what they are. No matter how accurate you are, you will never be right.

    Let me emphasize this: You cannot change a woman, or anyone for that matter. You can only change yourself. However, when you change yourself, your life will also start to change, along with the people around you.

    Your best bet, ironically, is to fall for another girl. Invest all that emotion into another woman while building yourself. Ms. Butterscotch will see that you're not as available, and it will at worst make her wonder at least a little, and at best drive her absolutely crazy. The hotter you look and feel (most important trait), the more she will internally beg for your attention. If you don't want to do any of that, start improving yourself anyway.
    Last edited by TenSwords; 07-Jan-2015 at 06:29.

  6. #6

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    Well, I'm going to annihilate everybody's theories by revealing that my wife is almost two years older than me. In fact, I'm a month younger than her little -- well, not so little anymore -- brother, something she often points out with a tone of mock disgust.

    So she "robbed the cradle," so to speak. How fitting.

    All of that proves something, I'm just not sure what.

    Anyway, like others have said, trying to change another person's preference in partners is a lost cause. Either stick it out as friends and see if your friendship evolves into something more, or keep shopping. I'm a big fan of the friend-to-girlfriend conversion, having pulled off a few of those in the past -- and later, a girlfriend-to-wife conversion -- but you need to be patient and subtle, or else you need to set aside all expectations and have whatever sort of fun presents itself. I mostly took the latter approach, which was surely the more time-consuming, but the results were wonderful.

  7. #7

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    As others have pointed out, being attracted to someone older than you doesn't necessarilly mean daddy issues. In fact, if a friend accused me of having daddy issues, especially someone who I thought might be attracted to me, I'd be full of rage! Honestly, unless you're fully trained as a psychologist or other therapist, and even then you might hold your tongue unless specifically asked for advice, it's very dangerous to be handing out problems to all and sundry. No wonder they get defensive!

    I certainly would pose a counter theory that people in the older age bracket don't feel the need to go around pointing out problems with peoples choice of partner based on pop-psychology. What on earth were you thinking? The fastest way to turn a girl off you is to start telling her things that are wrong with her, and especially accusing her of having daddy issues. The reason girls go for older guys is because they are more emotionally mature. And really by handing out diagnoses of daddy issues to everyone who's ever had a crush on an older guy is rather proving that point.

    Go and apologise for being a dick. No one wants to be told about psychological issues they probably don't have (remember, it's common for women to be attracted to older men, especially at that age, due to maturity differences), and prove that you can be a mature, emotionally adjusted man, who is a potential catch. Gals are much more likely to go for a guy that can admit a mistake and apologise for it, and if need be make amends.

    EDIT: And while I'm on my high horse and giving advice out, you're very likely not in love with her. You've not dated her, and a relationship is a very different dynamic from being friends, even close ones. If, for whatever reason, you do end up dating her, don't start announcing you love her too soon. Because that's another thing that younger guys do to annoy us women-folk.

  8. #8

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    Just because some of the girls in Upstate NY want older men, doesn't mean that all of them do. It also doesn't mean that the girls who do like older guys wouldn't potentially be happy with someone younger. If your GF is happy with you (which it sounds like she is), then of course she'll be defensive if you ask her why all the girls supposedly like older guys. As will any girl you mention it to, as telling people what or who they like is a sure-fire way to get on someone's bad side.

    Anyway, it sounds like your GF and her parents like you. That's all that matters. As for appearing older or more stereotypically macho, I don't see any need to do so at all. She clearly likes you for who you are, and besides, pretending to be someone you're not is really not conducive to having a successful and healthy relationship. If it helps, I'm 5'5", not particularly macho, and tend to do alright with the ladies just by being myself.

  9. #9

    Default

    This:



    Quote Originally Posted by Khaymen View Post
    Well, ... a little pop psychology can go a long way and do a great deal of harm. A simple age range dating preference is far less than you need to diagnose unresolved parental issues. Then the issue of backlash from challenging someone to disprove such issues. I've studied psychology and would like to become an accredited counselor some day and I realize one inalienable truth, I know just enough to be dangerous. Emotions and psychological issues are like dynamite, you can understand enough of how it works without accurately estimating its potency and get hurt.

    Now as to your relationship with this girl.

    Number one, it may not be an age range she seeks but the emotional maturity she sees in that category.

    Number two, if she grows to love you factors like some arbitrary age preference will disappear.

    I know it sounds cliche, but don't try to appear or be anything. Just be yourself, and it will or will not be and that will be for the best. Take it from a guy who got married to the person who he was sure was his soul mate and was separated three and a half years later. Relationships are never a one shot deal that will never come again and obsessed broken hearts do mend and can love again burning with just as much intensity as they ever could.

    I wish you the best in love be it with this girl or another,
    Khaymen
    Pretending you're someone or something you're not is very hard work. You'll tire of it and resent it sooner rather than later. Doing it 8 hours a day at work is one thing... 24/7 in close quarters with someone is another level entirely.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Pretending you're someone or something you're not is very hard work.
    Doing it 8 hours a day at work is one thing...

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