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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #1

    Default Am I wrong?

    I wanted to post this thread as a blog but I decided not to as I need answers and maybe words of console(don't know if that's a thing) and you guys are my best answers and listeners. It's only the 7th day of the 2015 and Ive already made one of the worst possible judgement in my life. So... here goes.

    As some of you may know that Ive told a few closest friend of mine and a cousin about my abdl side. I decided that I should tell my mom because I love her. And so I told told her, an hour ago. She says she accepts me for who I am but I have to stop wearing and I should consult a psychiatrist. Contradicting right?
    Because she doesn't understands why am I like this that's why she's contradicting herself. I've never felt so guilty in my life before for confusing my mom.
    She thinks that it's an addiction and that my behavior could be stop by not wearing diaper completely. Despite my explanations, she still doesn't get that this isn't an addiction.

    In conclusion, although my mom is able to accept me for who I am, she is confused and decided to consult a doctor tomorrow on why is this happening to me.

    After the confession, I told her not to throw my stuffs if she ever finds them, she accepted my request. Thats got me going for now. Which is good.

    So... Am I wrong come out of the closet to my mom. Because I feel that I did a terrible thing by making her confuse.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by DrunkBearCub View Post
    I wanted to post this thread as a blog but I decided not to as I need answers and maybe words of console(don't know if that's a thing) and you guys are my best answers and listeners. It's only the 7th day of the 2015 and Ive already made one of the worst possible judgement in my life. So... here goes.

    As some of you may know that Ive told a few closest friend of mine and a cousin about my abdl side. I decided that I should tell my mom because I love her. And so I told told her, an hour ago. She says she accepts me for who I am but I have to stop wearing and I should consult a psychiatrist. Contradicting right?
    Because she doesn't understands why am I like this that's why she's contradicting herself. I've never felt so guilty in my life before for confusing my mom.
    She thinks that it's an addiction and that my behavior could be stop by not wearing diaper completely. Despite my explanations, she still doesn't get that this isn't an addiction.

    In conclusion, although my mom is able to accept me for who I am, she is confused and decided to consult a doctor tomorrow on why is this happening to me. And I told her not to throw my stuffs if she ever finds them, she accepted my request.

    So.. Am I wrong to tell my mom. Because I feel that I did a terrible thing by making her confuse.
    I don't think you're wrong. You haven't caused her to be confused -- it's just her reaction to what you said.

    If you had decided to deliberately wear diapers with the sole reason to confuse your mother, then you could argue that her confusion was your fault, but not if you're just being honest with her.

    Lets say you suddenly started to grow a sixth toe, and you told her. That might make her confused... but you can't blame yourself because it's not like you chose to grow an extra toe just to be awkward. You're just saying how it is.

    Or if you were gay and were worried your mum wouldn't understand, would you feel you'd have to keep your relationships and romantic interests completely secret just in case you "confuse" her by being honest and open about who you are...?

    You can't be blamed for who you are. And if your mother is confused by who you are, then that's not your fault either.

    Personally, I never told my parents (or anyone else except my therapist) as I didn't see any need or benefit from it. And generally I'd caution people about telling others because... once you've said it you can't take it back (and people can react very differently)... But also, I don't think people should have to "suffer" by hiding secrets about their true nature. Don't sweat it!

    So, in short, I definitely don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sure your mum's confusion will resolve itself once she realises that you're still the "old you" you always were and you're not suddenly going mad. The only slight concern I'd have is that your mum consulted a doctor on your behalf. Once you're 16 or so, you should probably be given the privacy and responsibility of arranging your own healthcare.

    Maybe some of the online guides to infantilism/ABDLs might help your mum understand what you're telling her and allay any concerns she might have about your mental health, etc.

  3. #3

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    I think the worst that can reasonably be said is that telling her was unwise. If you didn't take proper care to make a good decision as to the possible risks and rewards of telling, it wasn't a good decision regardless of the outcome. It's in the past, so there's really not that much sense in dwelling on it except for how it might inform your decisions in the future. Take a hard look at your process and see if your desire to tell was based more in wishful thinking or if there really was a good reason to tell and a reasonable chance of a good outcome.

    Regardless, I agree with Tiny that her confusion, while natural is her reaction. You may have made a bad decision and now it's time for more decisions on her part and yours. In the US, I'd be pretty confident that a therapist would have a neutral reaction to ABDLs but I can't say with any confidence where you are.

    I decided when I was around your age that although this wasn't a bad thing, sharing it with my family was and as such I decided to give up acting on it until I moved out. Under the circumstances, I think it was a good call. Everyone has to make their own call on these things.

  4. #4

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    Your heart was in the right place. You love your mom, so you wanted to tell her your biggest secret. The thing is, your biggest secret is a kink, and parents don't want to here about their kids kinks anymore than you want to hear about theirs.

    It's also an unusual kink. With that said, if I were you, I'd do some damage control, and find some internet sites explaining paraphilic infantilism The most flattering light... Before she find the other ones. There was one I found earlier last year which characterized ab's as mostly male, with good jobs and a stable family life. Also, that psychologists tend to view it as not an issue itself, but treat the fallout from it, ie guilt and shame instead. A psychiatrist won't help, there aren't any medications to make this go away.

    On a lighter note, it reminded me of this snl skit from years ago:
    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a33...cial-from-nino
    You'll be okay. This will blow over, she'll probably think it was just a phase. Hugs!

  5. #5

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    You can work to make things better as things go on. My mom found out about me on her own and had a pretty similar reaction to you at the time. That feeding it to it was wrong, and I needed to distance myself from it. As time went on though she naturally saw that it wasn't hurting me, that I could be a pleasant and lovely person, meet people, and that I was just happier this way. I think it just seems like your mother is worried about you. Prove to her with actions and not words that she has nothing to worry about and be ashamed of. Honestly having a knee-jerk, don't take away my diapers reaction tends to feed into that belief that you have a unhealthy addiction to it. If it's just something you like and not something you need, it wouldn't be a big deal if you just didn't for a while.. wouldn't it? Assert to her that you could make do without if you wanted to. That you don't need them.

    Be willing to work with her, and try your hardest to be understanding of her. Understanding is a two way street, after all. If she really wants you to talk to someone about it, stay calm and maybe even go along with it. Therapy doesn't have to be the squashing of individuality that people think it is. You could end up really happy you did it, in fact. Just communicate with her how you feel, but be.. reasonable, you know?

  6. #6

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    You're not wrong, and this sounds just like what happened when I told my parents. I felt pretty bad about it too, so just hang in there.

    The first thing you need to do is figure out what you're confident about. Your profile says you're 21. Have you been interested in diapers your whole life? If not, how long and in what ways. Do your desires wax and wane? Do you need diapers for arousal (I do, for what it's worth, nothing wrong with it). This step is important because your mom is worried that having a fetish will make life harder for you. And if you're not confident about your own needs, she may push on that and try to get you to give up anything that you're unsure about. So before you talk to her any further, self reflect about what's most important to you and where you might be willing to give or change. Be open and really think it through.

    When that's done, I'd suggest taking to her again. Do it someplace where you have time and privacy. No interuptions. Some people will disagree with this next bit, but when I discussed it with my parents, I compared it to being gay. This is because, for me, it has been a lifelong thing and a major part of my overall orientation. It also undercut the addiction argument. sex feels great, but nobody with good sense is going to accuse a gay man of addiction to sex with men. You shouldn't be accused of addiction to diapers. Having said that, if your experience has been very different from mine, you may want to phrase it differently.

    The other thing you can do, and be CAREFUL with your phrasing, is to tell her that she's contradicting herself and tell her what support looks like. The content you want is "you said you support me, but telling me I should stop and seek help isn't support. This is not something that goes away, and I don't want it to go away. I told you about it because I love and trust you, not because I wanted help getting rid of my feelings. Support here is accepting that this is part of who I am and figuring out how to live with it going forward."

    Also, a final question. You said you told her because you love her. But why did you tell her now? I told my parents because they were pressuring me to find a girlfriend and I wanted to change the way we approached that topic. That reasoning also made it easy to tell them what support looked like for me: let me be, be okay with who I am, be willing to give advice when I ask. So think about that too. What prompted you to talk now, and how does that feed into what their support would look like?

    I wish you and your family good luck.

    Edit: oh and be willing to try therapy. You don't have to, but a therapist telling Mom that it's okay could easily work in your favor and it might be something you end up liking.

  7. #7

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    I agree with what everyone else has already stated. You letting her know got a result that you most likely would have wanted to turn out differently, and that's OK. I think the issue is she does not understand any of this, and because of that thinks it is an addiction, not a part of who you are. Keep talking with her, and maybe find the thread about telling someone about your little secret and print it out for her to read, then she doesn't have to look anything up herself. If anyone has those links, feel free to post, I never got there and am off to bed!

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by DrunkBearCub View Post
    I wanted to post this thread as a blog but I decided not to as I need answers and maybe words of console(don't know if that's a thing) and you guys are my best answers and listeners. It's only the 7th day of the 2015 and Ive already made one of the worst possible judgement in my life. So... here goes.

    As some of you may know that Ive told a few closest friend of mine and a cousin about my abdl side. I decided that I should tell my mom because I love her. And so I told told her, an hour ago. She says she accepts me for who I am but I have to stop wearing and I should consult a psychiatrist. Contradicting right?
    Because she doesn't understands why am I like this that's why she's contradicting herself. I've never felt so guilty in my life before for confusing my mom.
    She thinks that it's an addiction and that my behavior could be stop by not wearing diaper completely. Despite my explanations, she still doesn't get that this isn't an addiction.

    In conclusion, although my mom is able to accept me for who I am, she is confused and decided to consult a doctor tomorrow on why is this happening to me.

    After the confession, I told her not to throw my stuffs if she ever finds them, she accepted my request. Thats got me going for now. Which is good.

    So... Am I wrong come out of the closet to my mom. Because I feel that I did a terrible thing by making her confuse.
    Here's my take on this this for what it's worth.

    It was very brave of you to come out and explain to your mom about your AB/DL lifestyle. It was brave, but maybe not the best move. As I have stated in a previous thread about telling people about the lifestyle, if they aren't into the lifestyle, it's probably best just to keep it to yourself or talk to people who won't tell you that you have some mental condition or addiction. I agree that your mom was being very contradictory. Accepting someone is accepting someone.

    This is a prime example of why there's only three people outside the of the AB/DL community who know about my baby lifestyle. One is a really really dear friend of mine, the other is my fiance, and final one is my sister. And every one of the ones I have told have been through some sort of abuse similar to what I went through, so they have an open enough mind to know only understand me, but except me for who I am through and through. I'm not saying that there's people that have or haven't been through abuse, that would be accepting and understanding. It just so happens that the ones I told had been through abuse.

    Not even my best friends knows about my AB lifestyle. I've lost friends I thought were close enough to me that I could tell them about my lifestyle, but I was wrong. This is one reason I am so dog gone leary about telling people who don't want to take the time to understand. With that said, maybe if you would sit down with your mom and actually go over some informative websites such as http://understanding.infantilism.org/ that would be beneficial.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by DrunkBearCub View Post
    So... Am I wrong come out of the closet to my mom. Because I feel that I did a terrible thing by making her confuse.
    You were wrong to tell her. This is a kink, telling someone is not the equivalent of coming out of the closet as a gay person. Look up self disclosure in the context of interpersonal relationships. Basically you started revealing too much about yourself on an inappropriate level of intimacy without any reciprocation and that made her feel awkward. This is one of the main reasons we usually advise people not to tell anyone, it's not so much because someone now knows something weird about you as much as it is you've just made someone feel really awkward.

    At this point it's probably best to go to a psychologist. There's no harm in it. The literature defines DLism as a fetish, and fetishes aren't considered an issue unless that start to interfere with daily life. Best case the psychologist will tell you exactly that and you can take that information to your mother. Worst case they'll find some unrelated problem and be able to fix it.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by irnub View Post
    You were wrong to tell her. This is a kink, telling someone is not the equivalent of coming out of the closet as a gay person. Look up self disclosure in the context of interpersonal relationships. Basically you started revealing too much about yourself on an inappropriate level of intimacy without any reciprocation and that made her feel awkward. This is one of the main reasons we usually advise people not to tell anyone, it's not so much because someone now knows something weird about you as much as it is you've just made someone feel really awkward.

    At this point it's probably best to go to a psychologist. There's no harm in it. The literature defines DLism as a fetish, and fetishes aren't considered an issue unless that start to interfere with daily life. Best case the psychologist will tell you exactly that and you can take that information to your mother. Worst case they'll find some unrelated problem and be able to fix it.
    Umm, excuse me, but irnub, being an adult baby or diaper lover is not necessarily a kink for everyone. Some people like me, get therapeutic benefits from it. You ever think for a moment that's the case here? While telling his/her mom may have not been the best idea, that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. I choose not to tell a lot of people because I am afraid of their reactions. I've had some positive and negative, but overall it's been good. I think if he/she just tries to expl a in a bit more in detail, the situation won't be so bad. The choice he/she made to tell their mom was their choice. While there are many decisions people make that I personally don't agree with, who I'm I to tell someone like you did, that he/she needs to go to the psychiatrist?

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