Hey Feeka - maybe you are sort of on a gender spectrum, if you would. Maybe when you're living your day to day life you're more in the middle between male and female. Let's call male 1 and female 10, and you're be at 5. Just a guess. Maybe you're actually a 6, or a 7. Then when you are little, you have some kind of ideal of what "little girl" means - a schema - a stereotype - and you want to head more towards a 9 or a 10. This is similar to me in many ways. When I'm living my daily life I am probably around a 5-6 on our imaginary spectrum (it may be more complicated than linear, even, you know?) When I'm little I can go anywhere. Sometimes I want to be a 8-9, sometimes I want to be a 2 or 3. It is almost completely based on my mood and feelings that day. However, I don't find it far-fetched at all that perhaps you go back to a similar 'number' when little and when your day-to-day self.
Does this resonate at all with you?
I want to add that most ABs work on schemas (or stereotypes, or ideals). For example, most of us don't return exactly to how it was in our chiildhood, instead seeking either ideals, or cultural ideals of what childhood should be. I know someone who was raised on cloth diapers but has a cultural ideal that it should be plastic, so he always picks plastic backed diapers when little. I also know many people including myself who did not have great childhoods but when going little are very content and happy and want to roleplay in a safe environment and headspace. So a lot of being AB is based on ideas of how things should be, rather than based on facts. It makes sense to me that attempting to be the ideal of a little girl rather than the complicated reality of a real life child (or your own child-self) would be more appealing, easier, and more suited to our pattern-seeking brains.
