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Thread: Looking for advice regarding SO as an ABDL

  1. #1

    Default Looking for advice regarding SO as an ABDL

    Hi, all. My apologies in advance if this gets rant-y or whiny.
    I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I love him dearly. About a year ago I caught him wearing a diaper for the first time. Not a huge shock because I have friends who are ABDL and he had hinted that he was interested. I didn't think it would bother me. But lately it's been a more frequent occurrence, just a little more than I thought it would be. The biggest issues I have aren't specifically ABDL. It's waking up next to the scent of pee, and I believe he's starting to come out as transgender, and right now he's unemployed, and he's significantly older than me yet I feel like a good chunk of the time I'm the adult who has to keep everything together. Ugh, sorry, phrasing is horrible. I've always been extremely responsible, independent, and old for my age so perhaps that was part of the initial attraction.. but as a college student, I just can't take care of someone right now. I know he struggles with anxiety and depression, but that's been getting a bit better. As soon as he's employed I want to find him a kink friendly therapist. The other thing that is driving me crazy is that we know we want kids in the next 5-10 years, and I'm just envisioning this ABDL lifestyle and all these kinks and everything while raising a family... I'm not a traditional person at all and am 100% LGBTQ friendly (I am bisexual and definitely have my own kinks!) But I'm just so worried about having a baby and him being jealous or not wanting to take care of him/her etc. I love my boyfriend so, so much. But I just can't fathom knowingly putting my children in a situation that could negatively impact them in any way...
    Again, sorry for this rant. I don't know who to talk to about this because I know that my feelings are based off of societal expectations and norms, and he is a wonderful person and I shouldn't be feeling like this about something so trivial. I really hope I'm not coming across as a bitch.. again, I have no intention of leaving him, but I need to be able to lean on him every once in a while.
    Side note: I don't mind playing along every once in a while because I know it makes him happy. But I'm just concerned that if I encourage it I'll see more of it

  2. #2


    These are all valid questions to be considering. I'm curious how you two are communicating? You said you suspect he is opening up as TG...have you asked him about it? Have you both sat down and talked about this, the future?

    It drives me crazy when people complain about fetish type aspects in their relationships but yet NEVER communicate their feelings toward their partner. It should be the other way around. You RANT to your boyfriend not to the entire internet.

    Sure you're seeking advice, I understand that, but I think the only person you can really get these answers from is your boyfriend himself.

  3. #3


    Ack, should have been more clear. You're right, ranting to the internet is not going to help our relationship. Our communication about 95% of things is fantastic. He's my best friend. He knows I'm not into it at all and I've expressed my concern with our future family. He generally just comments that I'm focusing too much on the future (true, but not necessarily bad). That being said, he is rather sensitive and has dealt with far too much shaming in his life, and the last thing I want to do it bring it up in a way that hurts his feelings or makes him afraid to express himself. I think if he knew how unhappy it can make me he'd outright stop, and I don't want that at all.
    I don't think either of us is clear about him perhaps being TG. He likes to cross dress and has always outright stated that he wish he was born a female, because he thinks his life would be easier (which I cannot understand one bit: as a tall guy your rape threat is practically 0, you never have to worry about pregnancy, PMS and birth control problems don't happen, and people take you seriously/don't objectify you sexually on a regular basis). I wish I could understand where he was coming from better, but I don't know how.

  4. #4


    A good long talk about it with your partner can do you wonders. Sometimes, we ABs have a tendency to get overzealous in the presence of an accepting partner, even just a tad. If you feel your boundaries are being tested, just let him know how you feel. Those boundaries need to be known and respected for the sake of true love.

  5. #5


    I agree with everything that is being said, but I think it falls upon you questioningone to bring this up. As far as your boyfriend is concerned he thinks that you are "okay" with certain ABDL activities / items? I doubt he's a mind reader and despite endless social cues you need to be upfront about this. You can't continue to be in a relationship when you secretly harbor frustraion, or especially disgust. After some time this is going to eat at you and make it hard to continue on in the relationship.

  6. #6


    My former male co-worker was married and he and his wife had twins (it was originally triplets, but one died in utero). Several years into the marriage, he decided to get a sex-change operation. His wife was not pleased, and I suspect that they divorced. My point is that even though your SO may not now be considering a SCO, that my well be in his future, so be prepared for this if you continue your relationship and consider how this may impact you and your children.

  7. #7


    she doesnt know what's going on in her relationship becuase she'd rather communicate on the interwebz. If you read her post it says, "she believes he may be starting to come out as TG" what does that even mean?

    Alls I'm saying is how you can you even begin to go to this trouble worrying about something if it isn't something you have discussed with the person you love so much?

  8. #8


    I feel people are getting a little harsh, and I think she may be downplaying how much this is bothering her.

    She stated in her second post they have communicated, and while more communication never hurt, I believe he needs to see a therapist as she already mentioned after he gets a job regarding the potential transgender topic.

    I would also recommend a schedule for "little time" say once a week or so, with some of it focusing on the opposite gender. I know I open up more as a little, and he may have more to say during that time. This would also solve issues down the road where a separate adult/little life is paramount for a family with children.

    As to the urine smell, either bring it up, or purchase a diaper cover (plastic pants or such) to contain the scent better. Wish you the best of luck.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by questioningone
    I believe he's starting to come out as transgender, and right now he's unemployed, and . . . I just can't take care of someone right now.
    Have the two of You spoken about this ? - What leads You to believe that "he's starting to come out as transgender" ? - Has He said that He is interested in other men ?

    Thoughts - If He is currently unemployed, He may be suffering from low self-esteem, a sense of rejection, and perhaps He is feeling depressed. - This may be His way of expressing feelings of vulnerability. and a need for attention & affection ?

    Talk to Him about it.

  10. #10


    When are you planning on having this conversation? Before you freak out about the recent TG developments you might want to step back and give him a chance to fully explain before you come to a conclusion. We could make assumptions all day based on what's going through your boyfriend's head, but again the only person you're going to find the answer from is your boyfriend himself.

    Before you go assuming your boyfriend is gay because he is starting to show an interest in TG you might want to consider that maybe he's in fact a lesbian. My best friend in college was saving up for the surgery so he could become a woman and date other women.

    If I'm not mistaken transgender is how the person "sees himself," or how comfortable they feel in their own skin. Looking forward to hearing how your conversation goes. We're all here for support

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