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Thread: tough subject, might be too mature deals with a suspected molester

  1. #1

    Default tough subject, might be too mature deals with a suspected molester

    Ok this may prove to be too much of a mature topic.

    When I was about 12 I started experimenting sexually with a childhood friend of the same age, it was unhealthy, we were too young and were practically brothers, he was my best friend since 3rd grade.

    I eventually moved away, I last saw him again at 14, when his family visited, we still were experimenting heavily, and technically had sex, we lost touch after this, he got in trouble with the law for breaking and entering, and spent time in Juvenile Hall, he eventually got out and joined the airforce. He got married had 2 daughters, but the marriage fell apart when his wife who was cheating on him accused him of molesting his 2 and 4 year old daughters, the FBI and the military investigated and found no proof.

    He moved on with life, rarely seeing his daughters, and remarried and had a son and a daughter with his new wife, they are 2 and under.
    Things were looking good for him, till I noticed he wasn't online anymore, we had reconnected online and put our past behind us, just talked about good stuff like being little boys.

    I asked his sister what was going on with him and she tells me he got arrested November, they found him in a parked car with a 15 year old girl and have charged him with rape and the girl said they have met 3 times. He denies it, but can't talk as everything he says is recorded and he hasn't even really talked to his public appointed lawyer.

    I worry that my influence has caused him some great pain and confusion, I am not sure that he did what he is accused of doing, but he's 37 and didn't belong in a parked car at 3am with a 15 year old girl.

    I kinda feel I'm partly to blame because I was the one that pushed my sexual desires on him, I was only a dumb kid, but I still feel guilty, I can't talk to anyone about it as it is a big secret, it could hurt my Mom if she knew the innocent little boys she watched grow up were not so innocent, and I am afraid that his family will blame me, I have a hunch his mother knows something, she use to be good friends with my Mom, but they don't talk anymore either.

    I KNOW I am not totally at fault here, I never went after anyone of an illegal age, except when I was a minor myself, I feel very conflicted, maybe if I could of been a better friend he would be ok, puberty was a hard time for me, I was bisexual and didn't understand myself, and lived in shame for many years, hated myself, hated gays. It wasn't till college that I got to meet other healthy minded bisexuals or gays, and got to see I wasn't a monster. I just wish my friend didn't get warped, I remember him saying he had been with another boy when we were young, so I wasn't the first domino to fall, but I was part of his journey to a very bad place and mindset.

    No one believes he molested his own children, just his x wife, who was cheating on him, and they found no proof.

    I still care for my friend, we are not truly close anymore, but still have a brotherly link, he is like family, even with the unhealthy past, that I dismissed as puberty and two boys that were at least somewhat Bisexual, I accept that I am bisexual, leaning towards gay these days, but he kept it all inside and tried to live a "normal" life.

    Not sure if there is anything to discuss here, but I needed to get this all off my chest somewhere private, I have no one I can talk about this with, as far as I know, nobody knew that my friend and I had sex as teenagers, I hate that I have to live forever with it as a shameful secret, Im not proud of what we did back then, we were way to young and didn't know what we were doing, didn't even know about lube, totally ignorant, but I was always attracted to both sexes, Im not sure if my desire for sex just rubbed off on my friend and lead him to a dark path, it didn't help that even at that age I was a diaper lover, and shared all my secret with him.

    Wish I knew how to fix this, how to do something, I hope he is found innocent, but he was married and should never have been in a parked car at 3am with a 15 year old. I worry that the sex that I initiated when we were kids drove him to find younger people more attractive, I know I like younger people, but I don't ever mess with minors, though at 31 I was with an 18 year old, I had to check his wallet to be sure he was of legal age, it didn't work out well in the long run, but we are still friends.

    So I had to share this somewhere, not sure a response will help me feel better, I want to assure you all I am not after kids, or anyone under 18. I feel sorrow for my friend, hope most of its not true and that he can get the help he needs, he is in a jail till he goes to court, things do not look good for him. If he's guilty I think he should do the time and pay the price, but it will destroy him and his family, and I don't want it to be true, because I still feel like I was part of what made him into a man that would mess around with a 15 year old girl, its possible he didn't know how old she was, they used the App Whisper to find each other, and from what I can tell its an app perfect for predators.

  2. #2


    Hey Aby,

    I'm glad you were able to get all this off your chest. It must be painful to carry all of that and want to talk about it for so long. I'm also sorry for the years of guilt and fear you've had to deal with this for.

    The most important thing I think I can tell you here is that you did nothing wrong. I'm serious. If nothing else comes from this, at least realize that you are innocent in this awful situation.

    It's not at all unusual for teenagers (or 12-year-olds, close enough) to experiment sexually with each other. Obviously it's wrong when it's an adult and a 12-year-old, but for two of you at the same age, it isn't illegal. And it didn't turn your friend into a pedophile, I can promise you that. This article states that pedophila is caused before or during puberty, and it wouldn't be caused by having a partner the same age as you. Lots of teenagers experiment sexually without becoming pedophiles. So this wasn't caused by you.

    As for your sexual desires rubbing off on your friend and corrupting him - that's not possible, either. Sexual orientation doesn't change, so your sexuality wouldn't change your friend's - and you're not a pedophile anyway, as you've told us. From what I've seen, your friend's condition was probably fixed before you two had your encounters, and you couldn't have changed his orientation for better or worse.

    I do agree that I hope your friend didn't actually hurt any kids, and hope that if he does have these desires, he is able to get help from a psychologist. But that's not on you. You aren't responsible for what he did. And you didn't cause it, either. On this forum, I think we've all had confusing paths to discovering our sexualities, and it's common to feel a lot of guilt over any sexual experiences that aren't 'normal'. If you haven't hurt anyone, then you're OK. You discovered who you are, and you don't want to harm anyone, so you're perfectly all right.

    A forum post may not clear away a long run of guilt, but I hope I can at least help you realize that you are not to blame for your friend's actions. You didn't make him a child molester. And you're not at fault for what he might have done. Breathe easy knowing that you're OK just the way you are, and that you didn't cause anyone else to do wrong either

  3. #3



    This one is full of potential pit-falls...

    The bottom line though... we never really know anyone, especially as we grow up, and apart from the other...

    Two... he is responsible for his own actions... no matter what you two may have done, when you were both 12...

    It's possible, that he didn't offend his own children... yet, some people... when charged of a crime they didn't do then... will act it out in some way or another later on... It seems... that it is undisputed... that he was in a car, in the wee hours of the morning... with a minor... we don't know if he knew that, intended, that... or he was duped...

    I think, that the only thing that 'we' can do here and now... is to... hope, that he was merely stupid... and not intending anything nefarious...

    No matter though... I can't see where you could be culpable, let alone responsible in his actions, or failure to be more careful...

    Unfortunately... some people accept us, or seem to understand us... because what we represent is rather benign compared to their own inclinations... which, they may not know consciously, or ever share...

    You've got to sort out... what is you, and what is him... then, you can look at what is going wrong for him...

    Going through juvenile-corrections... can be as devastating, or changing as anything...

    Know, that you don't know either...

    Hope for the best... prepare for the worst...

    that's the best I can do for now...


  4. #4


    I had two friends who at different times, pushed their sexual desires on me. One was when I was around 10 and 11, living at one location, and another was again when we moved, again by another boy. Both boys were a year or two older than I was. To be honest, it's left me wondering a lot of things. I wondered if I was giving off some sort of gay vibe, because when I went to college, my high school girl friend dumped me, and I lived the next four years in a gay relationship. It wasn't until I graduated and moved away, that I met the woman who would become my wife

    The funny thing is that I don't harbor any bad will toward my two boyhood friends. Boys often have sex with one another. My problem was that I was too young to understand what was happening. I was an only child and adopted. I had no one to talk to about this; and certainly not to my parents. I do remember that it left me very confused. I just didn't understand why they wanted me to touch them, and they touch me?

    I still think about these things, obviously, or I wouldn't be talking about them here. I don't find the actions of these boys distasteful now, but it did bother me at the time it was happening. Who knows what kind of impact it has on us. In college I was very self destructive and tried to commit suicide. I was attracted to a neighbor boy who lived down my street. He was straight and beautiful. We were very good friends, and he was very kind to me, but sex was out of the question. I hurt deeply, to the point where I tried to drown myself. Eventually I had a shrink and had to talk about all of this.

    To the question. I think we all make choices. I certainly didn't go out molesting boys from that age when I was molested, but I hurt inside. At some point I chose not to let this hurt me, again and again. No one is perfect and I suspect that everyone has something deep down inside them that causes pain. Everyone responds to these differently. You can let it defeat you, or you can find better things to do with your life, rather than fixate on the past. I chose to move on, forward and past these emotional obstacles.

    It sounds to me that in your particular case, it took two to tango. I'm assuming he was into it as well? I wasn't in my particular situations. Every case is different, so I wouldn't feel guilty here. You both were simply growing up. He must have grown in a different and dangerous direction. He knew it was wrong, yet he did it anyway. You didn't make him do that!

  5. #5


    Aby - It is very common for friends in their young teens of the same age in early puberty to sexually explore with one another, out of curiosity, i.e. "If You show me Yours, I'll show You mine.", or "No way ! - You too ?"

    It is very uncommon and unhealthy for an adult of 37 years old to be having sex with a 15 year old child. - But that adult isn't You.

  6. #6


    Thanks folks, have felt guilt at times in my life, because what me and him did, took him farther down a dark road, I had hoped he was past all this, he was about to get a very good job and move his family from Georgia to New York. I took a different path, tried my best to be straight and normal, but that wasn't happening for me, took a long time to accept myself as who I am, I remember arguing with a therapist once about my sexuality, he didn't think I was really Bi, but I knew I was, tore me up for a good part of my life. I am happier accepting who I am, I don't think my friend ever reached that point. i feel sorry for him, it doesn't look good for him.

  7. #7


    When I was 11 years old I experimented with two other 10 and 14 year old girls. We were practicing on each other so to speak for when we got boyfriends and after talking to other girls as an adult I've come to realize that this is actually pretty normal behavior. It's healthy for kids to explore on their own and with each other and even if you felt like you may have been pushy at one time or another you have to remember that you were just kids. Judgement and reasoning are not yet developed and the ability to determine right from wrong is not as well defined as it would be as an adult. Aside from that, you were kids and a lot, not all but alot of kids engage in sexually explorative behavior as children. And pedophilia is not something you can give to someone. It's not something that you catch.

    I might catch a lot of slack for this but pedophilia is a sexual preference and its easy to forget that. If you kissed another boy would it make that boy gay? If you had sex with a lesbian, is she somehow now straight?

    I know there have been cases where victims go on to become abusers themselves but its really in the minority of cases. The point is, you are not to blame for the actions of another. Everyone is born with free will and you didn't do anything wrong to begin with so his actions later in life have nothing to do with you.

    It's up to you to find peace with yourself but I suggest you start by realizing that hes the one who has to answer for his actions, not you.

  8. #8


    No it wasn't your fault. Your friend is responsible for his actions.

  9. #9

  10. #10


    I don't feel misery, I feel sorrow for someone that was like a brother to me from the 3rd grade till High-school, sorry he went down a bad path, sorry he didn't know how to deal with his feelings in a healthy matter, sorry that he went to juvenile hall for breaking and entering, stealing video games, and stealing credit card to use for phone sex. Sorrow for him getting his shit together as an adult and destroying everything with poor judgement. He is married has a 2 year old boy and a new born baby girl, he was finishing some training for a new job with the government that was going to pay great and planned to move his family to New York, I thought he was doing great and had recovered from his teenage years.

    And I feel sorrow for the 15 year old girl that was in his car, and her family. I know I am not the cause of this sorrow, I feel a terrible guilt still when I talk to people like his sister, people that don't know that my friend started having sex at age 12 with me, it was willingly but I was the one who started it really, its very complicated, he "technically" raped me at one point, but rape is kind of a strong word, we both fooled around and he forced himself on me, he refused to give me any pleasure in return. He knew all my early secrets, that I stole pull-ups and was somewhat into diapers himself, if I went into details it would get uncomfortable and remind some folks of the crap that was on Deekers site. Its a very hard relationship to describe, we lost touch in High School, he spent time in Juvie and ended up in the Air Force on the other side of the country, his Mom use to be good friends with my Mom, they lost contact too. I eventually found him online and rekindled our friendship, he was married at the time, we never talked much about the past other than that our relationship got unhealthy for a time. I suspect his Mom knew, and she stopped talking to my Mom partly because of it. I also know I wasn't the only kid that he fooled around with at that age.

    - - - Updated - - -

    the guilt isn't as bad as I make it out to be, it's just a heavy secret to keep from some people, better kept secret probably, but I would feel bad if they found out later that I was a part of what made him unhealthy in his teens when he and his family went through hell, trying to save him from himself, and that I wasn't his friend during his hardest times, I stopped calling him after he raped me and was accused of other bad things, I didn't want anyone to think I had anything to do with his problems, or that I was bisexual, I didn't even know I was really bisexual, I fought it and hung out with homophobes and jerks and I made some of the kids in my high school lives difficult, I outed people that were gay, and hid in the closet. I guess I feel sorrow for who I became for that time in my life, and how long I kept up the charade. I finally outed myself two years ago as bisexual, lost a few friends, but oh well.

    It is a hard time in my life right now, so many changes, and Im surrounded by friends that love me but condemn homosexuality, big time bible thumpers, my Mom has gotten close to them and now does bible study with them, its great for her, but they all try to push it on me, and my Mom knows Im bisexual but tries to keep me quiet about it around the bible thumpers, actually my Mom still hasn't really accepted that I am Bisexual, which is annoying, she doesn't like to talk about it and doesn't like to label people.

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