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Thread: ABDL Relationship? Is It Worth It?

  1. #1

    Question ABDL Relationship? Is It Worth It?

    Hey everyone,

    TLDR:
    Is it a good idea to get to know ABDL people online for a non-sexual, diaper-free, romantic relationship? Where can I go to find a someone who's into diapers but doesn't make them a priority in a relationship? Or is that like finding a needle in an Internet designed exclusively for haystacks...not...needlestacks?


    Of course, I wouldn't close off opportunities with "real" people in my nearby area; I'd still be open to non-ABDL relationships, and if I found someone non-ABDL, I'd stop searching for an ABDL partner as long as my current relationship exists.

    Because I want a romantic (NOT sexual) partner who is ABDL, Fetlife and other websites may be too focused on sex and the fetish to be a good option.

    I just don't like the idea of dating somebody who is disgusted by what I find appealing, and having to be very careful to hide this very secret part of me until the time is right, whereby I'm forced to tell her and hope she accepts me "despite my flaws." I'd much rather find somebody who shares ABDL as something we can talk about and discuss together, as a unique rare thing that separates us from the rest of the world. Rather than having someone to hide things from, I want someone who knows what it's like to hide.

    That said, I know all of that's pointless if the person in question isn't compatible. An ABDL fetish doesn't even make the top 20 qualities I'm looking for in a partner, but I figure that if there's an ABDL who's right from me, why not try to find her? That said, a website with an overly sexualized atmosphere probably isn't good for getting to know someone mentally/emotionally. Do I have a reasonable chance of finding an ABDL woman who, at the very least, wants to really get to know somebody before they think about getting romantic? Is there any reason doing this might be a bad idea?

    Thanks for reading this!

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by LazyDreamer View Post
    Hey everyone,

    TLDR:
    Is it a good idea to get to know ABDL people online for a non-sexual, diaper-free, romantic relationship? Where can I go to find a someone who's into diapers but doesn't make them a priority in a relationship? Or is that like finding a needle in an Internet designed exclusively for haystacks...not...needlestacks?
    You are asking for something incredibly specific before even getting to the standard questions of compatibility. You are unlikely to have much success if you insist on finding the person that is 100% of what you want, which is a general rule of relationships, not just ABDL dating.

    Moreover, if this isn't in the top 20 qualities that you are looking for, that may also be a good reason to not use it as a key criterion.



    If ABDL is something that you're interested in having as part of your relationship, you're likely going to need to settle for a partner that falls somewhere within the ABDL spectrum rather than asking for some specific ABDL sub-niche.

  3. #3

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    Since you identify as a caretaker, I'd say it could be a good idea to try and find someone who us AB.... otherwise you may find yourself straying later and that could be detrimental to a future relationship.
    I guess the thing is, that it's not so much about hooking up with an AB, but hooking up with someone who you make a soul connection with....and that could well be an AB. trouble is... looking for Miss right could take a long time.
    You'll have to get out there and find out.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by LazyDreamer View Post
    Hey everyone,

    TLDR:
    Is it a good idea to get to know ABDL people online for a non-sexual, diaper-free, romantic relationship? Where can I go to find a someone who's into diapers but doesn't make them a priority in a relationship? Or is that like finding a needle in an Internet designed exclusively for haystacks...not...needlestacks?


    Of course, I wouldn't close off opportunities with "real" people in my nearby area; I'd still be open to non-ABDL relationships, and if I found someone non-ABDL, I'd stop searching for an ABDL partner as long as my current relationship exists.

    Because I want a romantic (NOT sexual) partner who is ABDL, Fetlife and other websites may be too focused on sex and the fetish to be a good option.

    I just don't like the idea of dating somebody who is disgusted by what I find appealing, and having to be very careful to hide this very secret part of me until the time is right, whereby I'm forced to tell her and hope she accepts me "despite my flaws." I'd much rather find somebody who shares ABDL as something we can talk about and discuss together, as a unique rare thing that separates us from the rest of the world. Rather than having someone to hide things from, I want someone who knows what it's like to hide.

    That said, I know all of that's pointless if the person in question isn't compatible. An ABDL fetish doesn't even make the top 20 qualities I'm looking for in a partner, but I figure that if there's an ABDL who's right from me, why not try to find her? That said, a website with an overly sexualized atmosphere probably isn't good for getting to know someone mentally/emotionally. Do I have a reasonable chance of finding an ABDL woman who, at the very least, wants to really get to know somebody before they think about getting romantic? Is there any reason doing this might be a bad idea?

    Thanks for reading this!
    I'd say that getting to know someone on a non-diaper level is definitely going about it the right way. As quite a few people know, Frogsy and I met on here, but we started out as friends. Getting into a relationship wasn't in the plan for either of us, initially. And we wouldn't have had a successful relationship if the only thing we had in common was diapers. So honestly, I really advocate just making friends in the community, with no expectations of a relationship, and then initiating if you find someone who you think might be a good partner. Again, finding a partner isn't the goal with this approach. But you make friends, which is awesome! And it does seem to fit with what you're looking for. Again, we're both ABDL, but diapers are only a small part of what we do together. Getting to know people on here for things besides their ABDL interests would be a good course of action. This could also work on other diaper sites, I'm sure. Good luck!

  5. #5

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    I'm curious about your statement that you don't want a sexual relationship. Does this mean that you're not interested in hookups (i.e. purely sexual relationships that have no romantic possibilities), but you are interested in a romantic relationship that eventually becomes sexual? Does it mean that you're interested in sex but waiting for marriage? Does it mean that you're asexual?

    I think that looking online for a romantic relationship with someone who is ABDL but who has no interest in ever engaging in ABDL activities might be challenging. Though there are plenty of non-sexual ABs, there are very few ABDLs who want to keep their ABDL-hood entirely in the world of fantasy.

    On the other hand, if you are interested in meeting ABDLs who are relationship-oriented and don't want to just hook up, you might very well be able to find the kind of person you are looking for online. There are many ABDLs who prefer to get to know each other before hopping into bed...or onto the changing table. I think this is especially true in the heterosexual ABDL community. (In the gay male ABDL world, of which I'm a part, people tend to be more open to physical intimacy with people they don't know well.)

    An online profile tip: It's usually best to emphasize the positive. That goes both for your description of yourself and your description of the kind of person you're looking for. Spend more time talking about what sorts of people and relationships interest you and less time talking about what you don't want. When you have to talk about what you don't want, try to phrase it gently.

  6. #6

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    Think of it this way. A good relationship is based on you and the other person being friends, not just lovers, and enjoying spending time with each other. You can find that in all sorts of places. You can pursue people who are or already know about ABDL and hope to find one who clicks with you on other levels. You can pursue people through other channels, regular online dating sites, personal contacts, people you meet at activities or clubs.

    Any of these can work. I'm not really an authority either since I haven't found the right person yet. Members who have here will tell you a whole variety of stories though, from people who met through ADISC to people who found someone through regular community channels and didn't even tell the spouse about being ABDL for years. Personally, since ABDL is something that's really important to me and not just a once in a while thing, I've been looking more on the side of people who already know about it and hoping I can find someone who clicks on other levels. But that may not be right for you, especially if it's entirely non-sexual for you.

  7. #7

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    If you can find someone who you enjoy being with who is also ABDL, it's a wonderful thing. However, a shared lifestyle interest isn't enough to build a successful relationship (sexual or not). The thing that makes any relationship worthwhile is a personal bond and an enjoyment of being with the other person. For me, a shared ABDL interest is the icing on the cake in a relationship, but it can never be the sponge which holds the whole thing together.

  8. #8

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    What one needs to realize is that partners are not checklists. Partners are people, and sooner or later you'll find someone whose interests and qualities add up to a whole which complements you well. This is also entirely aside from the fact that people have attributes besides "checklist items" which are necessary to make a relationship work. It's possible that a girl might have every attribute you could ever dream of a partner having, but the relationship is doomed because your temperament and hers are just so different that you aren't compatible. That would honestly be a special kind of torture because you'd be in a doomed relationship that has everything you've ever wanted a relationship to have and thought you'd never find.

    Me and my fiancee are very different people. She is not ABDL; she occasionally indulges my desires but not often because it's a bit of a turn-off for her. [For the record, your partner enjoying something because she sees it makes you happy is very different from enjoying it for it's own sake.] Following the Rangers has consumed more of my private time than any other recreational pursuit in my life, but despite her efforts she clearly isn't into or appreciative of hockey beyond the vicarious experience being with me. Chalk up the same for Star Wars, where you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger fan than I am. You can add boating to that list as well; owning a nice Boston Whaler Outrage is a life goal for me, but she doesn't have the drive that I do to do so. And there's a lot in the other direction too. She's into science fiction, but of the Asimov/Heinlen type (I'm laser blasters and hyperdrives). I'm spontaneous, she gets upset (crying) if on vacation we deviate from our plans to try something different... like extend vacation by a week. But that doesn't change the fact that we have a great relationship. We're both career-minded and have our work lives going in good directions. We want kids and have similar ideas for how we want to raise them. We love reading, camping, hiking, kayaking, and a few similar pursuits. We both enjoy going out for a night of clubbing or to the movies as much as we do a night at home watching TV.

    So it's clear the point I'm trying to make, right? That we have more in common than we do different? Bullshit. People are complex animals, and contrasting lists of things that do and don't match up is bullshit. In a few cases it can be done. For example, we're both swingers. Saturday night a week ago we went to a new sex club and met some new people we had really awesome group sex with. Considering that ABDL is a very sexual thing for me, and I place a lot of importance for fulfillment of my love of ABDL and non-monogamy in life, I think that it's not unfair to look at ABDL and swinging as a case of "Well I have this, but I don't have this...". But the more you start making those comparisons the harder they get. I have a girl who likes outdoor recreation, but doesn't like watching hockey. Eh, ok. She likes reading, but not the same type of science fiction as me... getting further. We both like cooking, but she doesn't like altering vacation plans...? Yea, you can see this breaking down.

    It comes down to the fact that the things which make people compatible with one another in a relationship are complex and in many cases hard to explain or quantify. Your partner being into the same stuff as you is only one of many things that factor into compatibility, but it seems like more because it's one of the few components which is relatively quantifiable and tangible. That's not to say there can't be dealbreakers. I'm not into women who smoke. Fortunately, that leaves a huge number of women I'd consider dating. I need my partner to be at least reasonably attractive. Still, huge dating pool. I need my partner career-minded, and pursuing a career which will help us support a comfortable lifestyle without too much financial stress (and reasonably attaining it, too). Again, I'm leaving my dating pool pretty big which gives me a good chance of finding a romantic partner I'm compatible with.

    On the other hand, some areas where we match up I just got lucky. There are a lot of swingers out there (our US population is in the millions), but that's still only a small number of the total number of people in the country. The fact I found a girl who was bisexual and into the thought of us having hot, kinky sex with people other than each other was unlikely at best and really just a matter of dumb luck, but I'll take it. ABDL is problematic in this sense for two reasons. First, there are very few ADBLs out there. Our numbers swell up a bit when you include people with similar* turn-ons, but only so much. Second, of all the ABDLs out there, most are men, and frankly many of those men want the same ABDL relationship with a girl that you do. Between these two points, you've made your dating pool very small but looking specifically for someone who's ABDL.

    I know what you want to say... but I don't need a ton of people! I just need to find one person! Unfortunately it's not that simple. The number of women you have a high level of emotional compatibility with is going to be small- pulling numbers out of my ass, I would guess somewhere between 1 in 100 and 1 in 1,000. Let's call it 1 in 500 to be fair. And let's say that there are 800ish women in your local ABDL scene who have some sort of presence in the ABDL community that allows you to find them. Great, there must be one in there for you! But what if she's dating someone else? What if she just got out of a relationship and isn't interested in a new one right now? What if, what if, what if. Courtship is tricky and successful relationships depend on the stars aligning with regards to a lot of extrinsic factors as well as compatibility.

    None of this is to say that ABDL relationships can't be had. We've had a few permanent relationships form here from well-known members, so it's possible. But these are rare. It's unfortunate in the sense that couples like Near and FruitKitty make it seem like such things are just waiting to be had, but they're really a case of the one time the stars do align and make something possible. The bottom line is that if you're shopping specifically for an ABDL relationship, you're probably dooming yourself to failure and also taking yourself out of the market for a woman who might be great with you in spite of not being ABDL. It's nice to think about but it's a very dumb thing to bank on.

    *I've mentioned diaper fetish to a few of the couples we swing with and none have been into it themselves, but a number have pee fetishes and as such there's an overlap where we can find mutual indulgence.

  9. #9

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    *Disclaimer: I have never had a substantial relationship in my life i.e more than a few weeks* (sadface)

    I want to adress the fallacy (IMO) of labling ABDL as a "shopping list item".
    This might be complete poppycock, but I think ABDL is a sexual-emotional lovemap that extends beyond the thing itself; it's not only about diapers and wettings and kidding around. It has the potential to foster a unique kind of gentle and delicate sexuality/personality. On a deeper level, it has to do with the romance and intimacy of vulnerability, as an accepted mutual state between two ABDLs.

    For this reason, I am seriously considering making big changes in my own life so I can at least try and find an ABDL partner. Because this might just be so much more than a "shopping list item"...so much more.
    Last edited by Musician147; 02-Jan-2015 at 00:15.

  10. #10

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    I wouldn't mind a plain and simple hookup with another DL. This fetish affects me in my personal life, but I'm curious to see how I'd feel about it when I'm with a woman, DL or not.

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