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Thread: Trying to come out to my mother about my gender issues

  1. #1
    MrCarroll

    Default Trying to come out to my mother about my gender issues

    I figured I'd share the story of when I tried to come out to my mother about my gender issues, and how I realized I could never go to her with anything like that again (like my DL interests).

    You see, much like my life-long love of diapers, I'd had a desire to wear girls clothing since I was a little boy. I'd fantasize I was a girl, I'd try on my mothers and grandmothers clothes when they were out of the house, and so on. I'm sure many of us have done these things.

    Well, by 1998 I had got an apartment off campus with a friend of mine from college. As the year went along, it became increasingly clear that my friend had his own gender issues. Finally, on Halloween of '98 I came out to my friend about my transgender interests/feelings.

    I was right in picking up the clues about my roommate, which he said he hadn't indulged in years, but used to crossdress a lot in High School, so he understood where I was coming from when I said I had a lot of issues in that regard. (Moreso actually, as a side-note, that friend came out as transsexual in 2004, and had SRS in '06)

    Quietly, over the next few months I'd started to buy up women's clothing and started to wear panties every day, wear a nightie to bed at nights, wear dresses and skirts around the apartment, but never publicly crossdress.

    My mother was the sort of mom who tried to be her sons best friend. She would hype up how she was always there for me if I needed to be, how "I know you better than you know yourself", and how there wasn't anything that I couldn't tell her. She'd been telling me these sorts of things since I was little.

    To top it off, sometimes I suspected she knew about my trying on her clothes. A few times over the years either lay out a pair of plain white cotton panties for me when she was putting out my clothes (yeah, my mom laid out my clothes), or would put a pair in my wardrobe, or in my laundry when going back to campus. I always figured that was her letting me know it was okay to do that sometimes. (In retrospect, it was that my mother's size was pretty dang close to mine, and in her absent mindedness she was putting her white cotton panties in with my underwear)

    So, with all this in mind, I figured I didn't want to hide it all from my mother anymore. I wanted to open up to her, to let it all out and stop hiding. So, one Saturday morning in January of '99, we were going to get out and go to lunch. She was parked in the parking lot of my apartment complex on a cold, rainy morning. I went out to her car a little early, got in, and told her I needed to have a talk with her.

    I still remember when I looked at her, and with a ton of courage I told her

    "Mom, I'm a crossdresser".

    I'll still remember that befuddled look on my face, followed by:

    "Are you trying to tell me that you're gay?!?"

    Followed by me saying no, that I like girls, I just like to dress like a girl sometimes and sometimes I feel like a girl at heart, but I'm not gay. My mother didn't seem to understand the distinction, to her there was just straight guys, and gay guys, and if you wore women's clothes that meant you were gay and liked men. She couldn't understand what I was saying, like a big "does not compute" coming up.

    Then she started to beg me, plead with me to never, EVER tell any other living being about this as long as I live. She said all my friends would abandon me if they found out (my friends didn't care, in fact some of my female friends told me in later years they basically considered me "one of the girls" since I was more girly at heart than some of the more tomboyish girls in our social circle), my best friend started calling me the Japanese term for "Dear Little Sister" as a term of affection, and my girlfriend outright encouraged it since she had crossdressing guys as a turn-on.

    However, my mother, at the time thought that no woman would ever have anything to do with a guy who ever wore women's clothing, that nobody would ever be friends with someone like that, that if it ever got out it would mean that I was unhireable and would be forever single and friendless. She also said that it also might mean I would be committed to a mental institution because sane people didn't do that, but she suggested I talk to a psychiatrist anyway since maybe they could "cure" me, even if I would have to spend a few years in a mental hospital (yes, she actually suggested this.)

    She told me she didn't want to eat lunch with me now, and asked me to get out of the car. She drove off. I found out later she'd almost got into a wreck twice, and had actually ripped a gas hose out of a pump at a gas station by accident on the way back (she was so confused/distraught that she stopped for gas, didn't put the hose back, drove off). She blamed me.

    Over the years, she'd keep asking me if I ever got professional help. I told her I did. . .which was kinda the truth. As a university student, we all had access to complimentary psychological screenings. I'd booked an appointment with the therapist and told him everything, and he told me in no uncertain terms that as long as I was okay with it and it wasn't interfering with my life, there was nothing wrong with it. When I told my mother that, she didn't believe that any mental health professional would ever say such a thing and thought I was making it up.

    Meanwhile, I had finally thrown away the last of my men's underwear and was only wearing panties, wearing women's clothes at home rather often, being rather openly feminine around my friends to the point that I was even invited to the "girls night out"

    The last time my mother ever brought it up was about 5 or 6 years ago, when my parents were going through a divorce. In the struggle between my parents, my mother tried to turn my father (a career military officer and deeply conservative man) against me by outing me to him. I knew my Dad would never understand, he loves me, but I knew this was too far out of his understanding for him to comprehend. He just ignored what my mother said as insane rantings (which given how many crazy things she'd flat-out made up in the course of that messy divorce, gave a huge amount of deniability to what she said). However, the fact that she tried to use that against me a decade later always stood out as the last betrayal in the whole matter.

  2. #2

    Default

    Wow. I'm glad you could share that with us. I think it can provide a valuable perspective in helping people decide who they can trust to tell certain things. It seems that there are some people who like you said, are completely unprepared to absorb a given piece of information, and they never come to terms with it. I have similar worries in sharing some things with some members of my family. I can only imagine how difficult it was to go through that with your mom. I don't feel like I can provide any useful advice. I just hope that as time has passed you have been able to find a place of peace with yourself and in your relationships. Again, thanks for sharing.

  3. #3

    Default

    If there is one person in the whole universe whom I would never ever tell about my dressing, it's my mom (but mine doesn't pretend that "you can tell me anything" and we are not that close). I don't even want to imagine all the bad things she would probably start to think about me. Actually, on numerous occasions she asked me whether I was gay (I'm not), half jokingly but maybe with a little concern, due to the fact that I've never introduced any girlfriend to my family, rather than me acting in a "gay way". I can feel that in her eyes being gay is something really bad (spend a few years in a mental hospital, yes).

    But maybe I would be surprised if this kind of situation actually happened. People, especially the ones closest to us, have a way of surprising. In your story, I wonder whether your father would actually have reacted in a more accepting way if you had chosen to come out to him instead.

    One thing is clear. You are very lucky to have such wonderful friends + gf. Perhaps we can't have wonderful everything.

  4. #4

    Default

    This is similar to my coming out story (I'm a lesbian), although my mom has come around quite a bit. It is wonderful that you have friends and a girlfriend that let's you be yourself. It is also amazing that after that experience you continued on your path to coming to terms with you self, you have in strength for that. I wish you well in your lifes journey, continue on with your self confidence and all will be well.

  5. #5

    Default

    A lot of members know my story. My mom found my diapers and gay porn when I was in college, and sent me to a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. There are a lot of parents who just can't handle it when they find out that their kid is "different". After a few meetings with the shrink I convinced my mom that I was much better and I didn't need to appointments. She was happy to believe it as it was costing more money than she could afford.

  6. #6

    Default

    There are people in this world that dont understand "us" but when I think about it I Dont understand them. How ever we are open minded (Witch Will make the world a bettor Place for everyone)


    Changing One mind doesn't seam like a lot but if ten-thousand of us change one persons mind that is ten-thousand new people

  7. #7

    Default

    Personally I think that this is a generational issue. There is no way that my parents could ever accept that I am a Sissy DL. Never. Heck, I've taken long enough to come to terms with it myself. My gay friends had to deal with rejection by their family (mostly now reconciled) in the late 80's / early 90's.

    On the other hand, looking at the current crop of university students, there are a number that I know that I would describe as gender neutral / fluid and others that have obvious kinks on display such as PVC clothing on a regular basis. Also amongst this group being a cross dresser or even gay / bi is just no big deal. There is one chap who regularly cross dresses and attends University as such. He dresses whichever way the mood takes him in the morning. Draws a few looks on the bus but no one says anything and he's popular at University!

    I think that the internet and social media has made it easier for such groups to exist. My denial was mainly that I thought that I was a complete freak. ADISC and other reading has allowed me to realize that it is just another facet of my personality and quite harmless.

    So, in short, the times, they are a changing! Here's hoping for the next again generation.

    DLE

  8. #8
    MrCarroll

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by SissyDLE View Post
    On the other hand, looking at the current crop of university students, there are a number that I know that I would describe as gender neutral / fluid and others that have obvious kinks on display such as PVC clothing on a regular basis. Also amongst this group being a cross dresser or even gay / bi is just no big deal. There is one chap who regularly cross dresses and attends University as such. He dresses whichever way the mood takes him in the morning. Draws a few looks on the bus but no one says anything and he's popular at University!

    I think that the internet and social media has made it easier for such groups to exist. My denial was mainly that I thought that I was a complete freak. ADISC and other reading has allowed me to realize that it is just another facet of my personality and quite harmless.
    I'll agree that I think a generational shift is in progress regarding acceptance of transgender individuals.

    As I mentioned, my friends were quite accepting of me blurring the lines with my gender. I spent years living basically between genders. I would assume a generally male gender around my mother (aside from the occasional slip-up like her smelling that I was using a deodorant with a distinctly feminine scent), but around my friends I would be quite androgynous, even being mistaken occasionally by others as being a somewhat tomboyish girl. (When with my college girlfriend who liked me dressing, we were mistaken as a lesbian couple more than once).

    Now I have to present a more gender-normative male appearance most of the time, both to avoid confusing my daughter, and for the sake of my professional career. However, I have definitely noticed that blurring or crossing gender lines is not the taboo it once was.

    I find it so amusing that my mother thought at the very mention that I might crossdress that I would lose every single friend, could never get a girlfriend, and would basically be a pariah. Maybe it would have been like that decades ago when she was a teenager or twentysomething, I certainly know her career advice was something more suited to the 1960's than the 1990's, so I could see the rest of her perceptions as being just as stuck in another era.

  9. #9

    Default

    Pretty sure my parents know about both my DLism and my CD, but I'm also pretty sure they deny it to themselves. My sister's pretty sure about the CD, don't think she knows anything about me being a DL. If I ever told any of them about it directly, I don't think it'd end well. They'd never use it against me like that, but I'd never hear the end of how I should spend my money. I barely can talk to my mom about smoking, which I didn't want her to know about because she'd blame herself, but when she caught me I explained that it was because of her that I didn't smoke until that point, and the only reason I did is because of losing my apartment, a bad breakup, and subsequent attempted suicide and I turned to the only thing I figured could help. And I think she definitely prefers smoking to drinking, considering both sides of my family has a history of alcoholism and also because I vape now. Anyway, point of the side story being, I can barely talk to my mom about that and definitely not my dad, so actually bringing up things like diapers or crossdressing, or the other thing I smoke as well as other things I just cant think of, wouldn't go over well at all.

    tldr i kinda know that feel bro

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