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Thread: Guilty and ashamed of my incontinence

  1. #1

    Default Guilty and ashamed of my incontinence

    I have been dealing with slowly growing issues with having to very suddenly go to the bathroom and dealing with leaks and accidents. I casually brought it up with the doctors I see, but they just do urine and blood tests and find nothing wrong.

    I want to push the issue more with them or talk with someone about it, but then I feel guilty. It feels "wrong" for me to be a DL, yet also have a need for them (even though I know I shouldn't). I'm also worried about bringing it up with my girlfriend, since she knows my DL and lets me wear around her, but really doesn't like me doing anything in them.

    It's very comforting for me when I'm padded, since I worry about fluid intake and having access to a bathroom. I don't know what to do about my situation.

  2. #2

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    Have you seen a urologist? They are doctors who specialize in conditions of the urinary system.

    If your girlfriend really cares about you, then she shouldn't make a scene out of something you can't control. It sounds like diapers are a good thing for you, because not only do they keep your clothes dry, you enjoy them. I know incontinence isn't a good thing, but at least you have an effective way of managing it. Not to say you shouldn't seek out medical attention, but as other incontinent folk here will tell you, sometimes diapers are a better ''treatment'' than what doctors can offer.

  3. #3

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    Well, I told her and she knows about my sudden needs for a bathroom, but I sort of avoided telling her about leaks, since I was super embarrassed about it

  4. #4

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    Well, Lantis, the thing is this:

    There could be any number of reasons why this is happening. Some of them are indeed psychological, a kind of "wish fulfillment," if you will. But that, I think, is unlikely, especially because it is troubling you so much. You said that your doctor could find nothing wrong, but what kind of doctor was this? As Kimba said earlier, you need to see a urologist. Incontinence can be the result of a wide variety of things, some of them serious. Or it can be a stand-alone issue that you need to deal with, and there are a dozen or more possible treatments for it, including various drugs and (yes) diapers.

    A lot of urologists don't see diapers as a "real" solution because they want the symptoms to stop and will work hard to get them to do so. You know your own limits as far as that is concerned; for me it was when the suggested procedures became invasive. I understand the guilt and shame you say you feel: we tend to associate real incontinence with infants, after all, or with very old people, not with healthy adults. And your DL affiliation doubles it down: you are wondering if somehow you're doing it to yourself or thinking at least that she will think you are. But IC is ultimately a medical issue. We have as much a physical problem as someone who is terribly nearsighted. Modern science might be able in some cases to cure us, but in all cases it can treat us. And like those nearsighted people who are not candidates for laser surgery and need to rely on old fashioned glasses, some of us are not candidates for medicines or electrical/surgical cures for IC and end up relying on old fashioned diapers. But like the commercial says: it's just a different kind of underwear.

    See a urologist and go from there. It's hard, yes, but you need to know what's what before you can know what to do about it.

  5. #5

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    I would say a urologist would be the first step. It might just be something simple; I myself have a weak bowel mussel and that is just easy and hard. Easy as a diaper will keep it in and hard as it can happen in public. For me diapers are the answer when I go out. It just is the way it is and I accept it. Any surgery for me would be 50/50 and not worth the risks of more problems. You will not know unless you see a doctor.

  6. #6

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    You dont need to be nervous talking here. everyone here is kind and wont judge you.

  7. #7

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    Lantis-

    I'm in the same situation as you, pretty much. I might be in a store trying to find a particular bag of chips on the shelf and the urge hits and I can't always stop it completely. After one or two of those spasms, I have to head to the bathroom, and then I probably only have 8 ounces of urine output. But what if I have one of my small children with me? There's pretty much no way to take them into the bathroom where I would have to hold them or watch them roll around on the pissy floor. So, generally I'm not protected in public (or maybe just Depends underwear) but if I know I'm going to be alone with the kids then I will be wearing something good. I started out as DL but have always had an underlying urgency that just gets worse with age. My wife I don't think believes me too much, but self-fulfilling or not, I can't keep from peeing sometimes.

    Don't feel wrong about it. It's OK. Try to accept it as much as you can. Easy to say, I know. I know if my situation were perfect, I would just give up the control and go 24/7. But I doubt I have the full support of my wife, even though I do have this urgency thing. On a recent 5 hour drive, I wore a Northshorecare diaper that was soaked by the time we arrived and I was a little conscious of it unloading all of our essentials into the hotel. I found myself thinking that I don't care one bit if anyone notices I'm wearing a huge soaked diaper. I have to do that or stop 4 times along the way, at least if I want to take in enough caffeine to not fall asleep and kill the family in a wreck.

    That might be all a little scatter brained, but I think we would all do well to accept ourselves as we are. Best of luck to you.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vinylfeet View Post
    Lantis-

    I'm in the same situation as you, pretty much. I might be in a store trying to find a particular bag of chips on the shelf and the urge hits and I can't always stop it completely. After one or two of those spasms, I have to head to the bathroom, and then I probably only have 8 ounces of urine output. But what if I have one of my small children with me? There's pretty much no way to take them into the bathroom where I would have to hold them or watch them roll around on the pissy floor. So, generally I'm not protected in public (or maybe just Depends underwear) but if I know I'm going to be alone with the kids then I will be wearing something good. I started out as DL but have always had an underlying urgency that just gets worse with age. My wife I don't think believes me too much, but self-fulfilling or not, I can't keep from peeing sometimes.

    Don't feel wrong about it. It's OK. Try to accept it as much as you can. Easy to say, I know. I know if my situation were perfect, I would just give up the control and go 24/7. But I doubt I have the full support of my wife, even though I do have this urgency thing. On a recent 5 hour drive, I wore a Northshorecare diaper that was soaked by the time we arrived and I was a little conscious of it unloading all of our essentials into the hotel. I found myself thinking that I don't care one bit if anyone notices I'm wearing a huge soaked diaper. I have to do that or stop 4 times along the way, at least if I want to take in enough caffeine to not fall asleep and kill the family in a wreck.

    That might be all a little scatter brained, but I think we would all do well to accept ourselves as we are. Best of luck to you.
    I no longer wory if anyone notices my nappy or pad or whatever I have decided to wear. They sure as hell would notice my wet pants but to be honest I don't think anyone really notices an adult nappy.

  9. #9

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    I'm kind of ashamed about it and I don't know why. My roommate is a DL and it makes things a easier. But having to wear to work where I am walking the entire time, bothers me for some reason. I really don't care about being in public padded, but for some reason I am paranoid about it at work, but I'd rather be padded I guess than making a mess. So far its only bladder thank god, but with the neurologist and urologist not finding anything wrong it's kinda of troubling.

  10. #10

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    Hi I understand your worries, but as ST50 said, what is the best? wet pants and being obvious you cannot hold yourself, or wear a diaper and no ones notice you being wet?
    For me it took some time getting used to wearing diapers again, but they kept my pants and everything dry...just don't go flaunt your diapers and you'll be ok.

    Maybe you even will become somewhat of a DL, it does makes things easier to accept

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