TL; DR: I finally pulled the plug on ten years of something I thought I enjoyed but was going somewhere between 'wrong' and 'nowhere'. And now I have to reconcile the fantasy and reality of how 'happy' I was all that time.
I've told this story too often already, but mostly only to four sets of people, those being:
my... "master", who wasn't up for taking on a more parent-ish role when I finally opened up to it (fair enough, if for the first five years I was uncomfortable with the 'dad' word... but that sort of thing happens when you live and work with your biological, legal, human one)
another littlefur whose thing is apparently to start chats, or let me start chats, and then scream and run away as if I'd just touched him while I'm in the middle of a sentence. That's, um, I guess, his 'thing' and a good reminder as to why I should not be trying to participate in places that make absolutely no sense... and who was bemoaning how much competitition there is to find a caretaker in the littlefur scene, only to bemoan my rudeness when I returned - a bit distraught, surely - to let him know he could 'take my slot'.
Furries who smile and nod and commisserate gently while quietly noticing I'm out of my mind, though possibly for reasonable reasons.
A couple other furs from the different, apparently secret and sane part of the ABDL scene who are theoretically going to give me somewhere to "purge" my $300 diaper stash to so I can take a breather.
So what the heck happened? And why am I still a trainwreck? And is there anyone out there who's going to tell me that's reasonable instead of just hilarious and fucked up and silly freaky gross real-life diaper-wearing Internet diaper puppy?
I dunno where to start, so I'll start with the basics.
I've always been a transformation 'fan'.
I've always been a bit of a hypno 'fan' and hypno's a great way to play with getting into a transformed headspace. Note that I just treat hypno as a specialized form of communication involving words that I'm gonna make my best effort to believe, so I don't think it's more mindbreaking than accidentally subscribing to [name book which has done a lot of damage here] or something. It also helps to be subby and like to be obedient and please someone and 'prove' you can do things (the good part of grade school, perhaps?).
Possibly tangential to an early FurryMUCK experience accidentally legitimizing it, I've always had a bit of a soft and warm and slightly squishy spot for DL stuff. (Especially trainers even though all but the Abena are pretty terrible.)
Over time once just pissing myself got boring I got more curious about the full furry ABDL side of things since it always -looks- like people are having fun. But that came a little later.
In like, I dunno, 2004 or so, I was a bag of stress with a family member in the hospital. So a bad of stress who could come home and self-puppyplay or whatnot with hypnosis MP3s, kill more time than usual on IRC and MUCKs, and pick up a bag of diapers at CVS. And maybe even order some sorta proper ones from XP, whenever that happened. As a solo pursuit, that's pretty much 'wow it's hard to do this sitting down at first, ooh that's familiar and comfortable, great now I gotta clean up.
Somewhere on the furry side of IRC I met a certain someone who seemed to be really interested in hypnotizing furs to wear - and stay wearing - diapers.
Well, heck, sign me up. Incomplete akward 'slave' contract? A dirty blackmail picture or two so you can see just how ugly I am - fine, I'm trying to be a more open fun trusting person, and the antidepressant and antianxiety stuff I just got from my shrink was helping me fly my freak flag a little more. 'Diapers' somehow have always been more of a community than 'opossum genitalia sniffers' or whatnot. And I love to be tranced and trained and generally make someone happy by doing things I'm capable of doing, as opposed to RL which has generally been unhappy that I didn't become a combination EE/CS/Doctor/Lawyer/Microbiologist/Next Bill Gates.
I'm more comfy in text because I'm a creature of the 80s or 1992. So we do a lot in text. I stop wearing my tugger every night and start getting home and getting padded instead. There are hiatuses, there are awkward moments where whups - he DMs some kind of game and it took only like 4 years to figure out what night of the week that was, there are other awkward moments where I'd just rather being my usual kind of naughty.
Somehow it mostly works. Let's say by year 5 I'm pretty close to 100% night diapers (trainers) and not shabby during the day.
Meanwhile the training has turned into "1234" and a certain series of responses about how I'm a puppy, he's my master, puppies obey their masters, I obey him.
Not so much other puppy stuff, or furry stuff, aside from an earpat or a tailwag. Whatever, I'm well-zonked on my anxiety medication (doctor's orders) by this point, I can come home and space out and if we talk twice in an hour it's something and I go to sleep maybe pissing myself with a smile on my face.
Insert various other hiatuses, houseguests, some of which I actually stay padded through, maybe 2-4 nights a week of predictable stuff and at least one night a week where "Whoops, I was about to enjoy your opossum components but my puppy master is on."
So I got fairly dedicated by the very reason that I had nothing much else to do. Nowhere to go RL, no way to afford it, no friends (still don't), at least I can make someone happy.
I try hanging out in some of the diaperfur IRC channels or his own dedicated to training-people IRC channel, but it's hard to get along. For some reason the standard diaperfur greeting is EWW, YOU'RE WEARING A DIAPER? THAT'S GROSS. YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
The standard modus in his ("master's") channel was sorta between jostling competition, an old friend who's also a hypno fan who unfortunately always gets one step too far ahead and I can't play with nicely. (Great guy - just telling me what I'm thinking and feeling instead of asking me what I'm thinking and guiding me if I'm 'off the mark' doesn't work. First World HypnoFetishist Problems.)
So, I dunno. Here we are, ten years down the line, the past years have included a shocking amount of 24/7 (most courteously unwet in public unless after hours) aside from my tendency to get heatstroke in the summer.
I've been sick of being a horny furvert for about the same ten years, so some on/off use of cyproterone (great, have you guessed who I am now? Not the Angry Beavers guy or the fox. The other one who talks about cypro sometimes) has my libido down to... the levels of someone who doesn't feel incomplete without pleasuring himself five times a day. (At the moment, taking it a bit more seriously again, once every two weeks has been enough, and since I'm not taking 4 times the necessary dosage this time the side effects are surprisingly tolerable too.) More time to spend in diapers without making them all sticky. Or to read Reddit without diverting to FChan.
All... pretty much business as usual.
Except my master don't-call-him-daddy-I-guess has been insisting for a year or more that I'm no longer becoming his diaper pup, I just _am_ one.
On the one hand this is just semantics and an attempt to encourage positive thinking.
On the other hand, I've wheedled that unfortunately my interest seems to run to the idea that something -is- happening to me, that a transformation is -in-progress-.
These would be minor surmountable issues if the net result weren't "You're a puppy, you should be wearing your diapers. You are? Good boy." Followed by six hours of idle and a disconnect. Consistently.
Too much poking, and I'm being wheedly-poking and finding out he's training someone else, or just otherwise busy or in the middle of a game.
I'm a finished product.
Within the semantics of the non..relationship, I love him, because he trained me to say I love him before I could muster up the ability to say it genuinely. So I've learned how to... lie about love. When I was getting ready to conclude that I genuinely did.
So, all of the above.
He has, I dunno, 30-something trainees in his iRC channel and an unknown number who might float elsewhere by myself. Plus at least one actual real life significant other, to my knowledge.
Any and all time I'm wheedling him is time I'm stealing from all these folks who've... had less than ten years of play, perhaps.
And yet being his puppy is also 'forever', so technically I should feel driven to stay padded. And try to hang out with other padded furs. Like the ones who greet me with 'EWW GROSS', in clean quiet virtual spots. Or the one in his own channel who, when I tried to speak up with "A puppy is a kid, right!" (I don't know what the context was - harmless lilfur stuff - PB&J sandwiches or something?) immediately shouted "NO!".
With him in 'virtual earshot.' And active in channel. And not particularly interested in my whimper and gradual slink under the couch.
Why have I been putting up with any of this? Where was/is the fun? Oddly just sticking on a $4 diaper doesn't do much for me; it's the encouragement that doing that is The Right Thing and I'm Behaving Properly and making someone happy that puts the idiotic waggy grin on my face.
Maybe it's that I didn't do the right thing enough as a kid. Or maybe it's that that's what my entire childhood did consist of and people stop giving that kind of feedback or expressing that kind of pleasure/joy at your "accomplishments" after grade school. Or both, or something. Or at least it would still indicate I'm in the process of becoming this cute incontinent little pup, because I don't see one in the mirror now, but that's something I can achieve.
Anyway, alluded to elsewhere, it used to be almost too easy to just zone out when I was stuffed with a very modest (prescribed) amount of klonopin. I quit that stuff last July because it was literally blocking my ability to recognize that I was no longer 'trapped' at home the way I'd been until I'd moved out two years prior. (Oddly, of course, the noises and odd herbal smells from my new place have gone way, way down since quitting. In part because the landlords introduced me to the holes cut in their floor allowing direct air exchange through my ceiling - not like it's legal construction anyway - and in part because it turns out that I'm naturally really ****ing uptight, who knew?
So, 2 weekends ago I was away from home, stressed to the gills, keeping in touch with 'master', had a real craving to pup out and went so far as to buy a little pack of Prevails off the shelf on clearance at a closing K-Mart for like $7 (don't, by the way. They're terrible and one had a knife cut despite the package NOT being slit open.)
That's... devotion. Retarded devotion, but here I am, doing this thing, hoping it brings you joy (which brings me joy), while it elsewise brings me anxiety and confusion, but that's part of having a crazy 'interest' like this.
Okay, the rest of the week went by. And I start the weekend by having the "always screams and runs away like a bad touch" lilfur described far above respond to a short message (non realtime) I sent him, initiating this whole hours-long pleasant conversation about Ataris and Commodores and Legos and Simon and all the other great toys that just make you feel disgusting and creepy and old in a room full of lilfurs because you can't name a single pokemon or tell a GBC from a GBA. In which he does decry the poor cub:caretaker ratio, and later runs away screaming and crying while I'm in the middle of talking about Lego and making a poop joke about Demolition Man (future might suck but we'll get to stay padded if we can't work the three shells).
So, okay, inexplicably destroyed someone's life, again. Feels like a kick in the gut every time but by now I understand that's his Thing. I'll try to shake it off and... hmm, master's busy in his IRC channel, I should try harder to be a good sociable little pup with people who aren't as insane (OOC? IC? who can tell?) as who I was just talking to.
I've been idle in there for ... weeks, probably, but my scrollback goes less than a day. In the last two hours, someone was talking about how kidfurs are awesome and get kidfur stuff - I forget what, toys, cookies, diapers, PB&J, whatever. It's like the last thing that was said before things went quiet for 30 minutes. And my master-caretaker-what-have-you-is-ostensibly around, but negativity all a pup deserves:
* Anotherpuppy is a puppy. That's a kind of kid, right?
<Terrycloth> No it isn't
Pup's master sits on couch
* Anotherpuppy sits up by one leg of the couch.
* Anotherpuppy curls up under the couch sleepily, hopes everyone gets to be what they want. ^^'
That's just one exchange, of course someone must have been busy with something, but... indicative of every exchange.
And after thinking about it, with the aid of - yes, I hate to say, just enough anxiety medication I'd come back into to recognize the walls I'd built around how lonely and unhappy I'd become - not that losing friends will actually make more, of course - all I can do is call it quits by IM.
(08:53:45 PM) I think I need to stop this. You've been great, I love you, I appreciate all the time you and us both have put into this mess, but .. you know I've said I've tried before and keep trying sometimes, but, like, if I don't belong there because a "pup" can't be a "kid" (and I don't know what I 'am' now, except pretty strictly a pup once you saw me try to open up about more because I have to live with what I asked for) ... but then I'm talking to someone else about Legos of all things and they run away crying and screaming. Grade school and nursery school sucked but at least I was "allowed" to be there and was just the too-good-at-quizzes skipped-ahead fat jerk and not some kind of ... I don't even know what I'm a creep for now, other than breaking the fourth wall and then apologizing because I do that when I'm nervous and can't tell if the roleplay is going where someone wants.
(08:59:57 PM) It's not like you need to bear my whole emotional load when you've got your real life and plenty of virtual kids who actually know what they're doing, and I need to find something to do that doesn't leave me feeling sick to my stomach like I ruined someone's night or just done fucked up again, if not sitting around in my own piss hoping someone cares. And I know you kinda do (and thank you for that) but ... if I actually have this much "too much free time" I should be devoting it to something positive instead of just what I fantasize and wish could be positive. :P
(10:32:44 PM) Alright hon be aware that I care about you and that I want what is best for you
So... like the Betas said, please reassure me that I'm doing alright?