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Thread: Sexual confusion, A Dark Tunnel with no end in sight

  1. #1

    Default Sexual confusion, A Dark Tunnel with no end in sight


    I hope this is the right place to post this, sorry if it is not.

    I've had a lot of trouble in my life with my sexuality. Not necessarily due to accepting what it is but more with defining it. I've always been in confusion about what I am. I have believed multiple times with full conviction that I was Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Bisexual. In fact for a Long time when I was a child I believed my ABDL side (accompanied with my general lack of interest in sex with adults) was a sign that i was a pedophile and I used to purposefully try to stop myself from having ABDL or sexual thoughts for fear that they would turn into something worse.

    Despite a few encounters (with both sex's) I have found no real affinity to one or the other. Sometimes I get horny or sometimes the idea of sex physically repulses me.

    It is worth mentioning that I am a virgin and i'm only 22. This general lack of experience in life does give me hope that one day I'll figure out what I am. But for now I feel like the "other" something outside of the norm. Sex seems to permeate so much of our culture I feel like it's constantly bombarding me. It's present so much in media and my lack of understanding of it makes me feel as an outsider. When my friends talk about girls or guys they have done things with and i can't relate I feel like an outcast. I constantly make up sexual encounter stories just to fit in. I makes me feel so hollow and unconnected.

    I'm not sure what i'm asking here. Their clearly is no simple solution to this. Guess I just needed to vent these feelings to someone. Any kind words or advice of any sort would be most welcomed.

    Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

  2. #2


    I totally relate to what you are saying. I am in my late 30s, and not only am I a virgin (insert your Steve Carrell 40 Year Old Virgin jokes here), I have no real interest in sex. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the idea. I've never even had a girlfriend. Perhaps this is part of the reason why I'm a little.

  3. #3


    I have a theory that the problem isn't what I think it is. That maybe I'm just trying to emulate what I think society wants me to do instead of doing what I want to do. Maybe the only reason I am upset about being a virgin and confused by sex is because others value these quality's so much. The fact that society puts so much emphasis on these things makes me seem like a weirdo in comparison but really that's just so relative. Most people would think our little sides are wired but I'm learning to accept that side of me and some of the moments I've found to become little have been the best of my life.

    Perhaps we need to learn to accept this non-sexual side of us as well the same we do for our abdl side. To embrace it and be happy in it. I mean it's hard because there are literal reminders of it everyday in my life pointing out the oddness of my feelings but I guess I need to solider one. Do you agree?

  4. #4


    You shouldn't want to have sex because it's expected of you. If you decide you'd like to have sex with someone, it should be because you think the other person is awesome, or at the very least, you think the experience of having sex with them would be fun for you.

    I also think people exaggerate how much they have or think about sex (guys especially), because they think it's the done thing to appear like sex is their #1 priority. It's a vicious, self-fulfilling cycle - the more guys feel they're expected to be all Alpha Male about their sex drive, the more they do it, the more other guys around them do it, and then, the more each of us expect ourselves to be that way...but we're all different. And there's no right way to be, except for true to yourself.

    Sex can be great (how great depends on a ton of internal and external factors), but there's no point wasting your first time on an experience where you feel like you're making love with someone solely for the sake of having had sex.

  5. #5


    I will add that one of the most difficult things in life in understanding one's self. We go through life analyzing, compartmentalizing, and understanding external people, places, things, situations, etc. We build the framework for that within our mind and fit these externals into that framework. This framework is built by our envitonment, past and present, as well as our own previous deductions...but the most confusing task is when we must analyze our own mental framework with itself.

  6. #6


    I have been exactly where you are in MANY points in my life and believe me I know how confusing and frustrating it can be to constantly question something that you feel you should know already, but the truth is that it's not always a black and white answer.

    After a lot of thought and consideration I found myself to be Asexual and for me that fits perfectly but I know plenty of people who choose to check the "other" box when asked about their sexuality.

    The only thing I can tell you is that instead of trying to figure out your sexuality try to figure out what kind of person you would like to have in your life. Sex really is a byproduct of love and affection and when you feel that kind of love for someone it tends to not matter what their gender is.

    You're not alone It's not an easy question to answer but you're still young and you have plenty of time. Just remember that you don't have to fit into a mold or label either just try to find who or what makes you happy.

  7. #7


    Honestly, litttledude, you're probably worrying yourself into misery. You've got to relax and learn to just embrace who you are as a person.....sexuality doesn't define who we are. Who, we are is something way deeper, and it's who we are that is the connection in a relationship. Learn to love and celebrate with confidence who you are, and suddenly genuine relationships will's then that you will hopefully discover all that other stuff. Sex is cool don't get me wrong....but so way cooler with someone you really love.....awesome when that other person really loves you back.

    That dark tunnel may only be there because you're so busy trying to see the end...look around you, there's probably more light than you realise.

  8. #8


    Quote Originally Posted by littledude92 View Post
    I'm not sure what i'm asking here. Their clearly is no simple solution to this. Guess I just needed to vent these feelings to someone. Any kind words or advice of any sort would be most welcomed.

    Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.
    I wanted to reply to this thread, but I really have no better advice than the very good advice already given. You also seem to have come to some good conclusions on your own. I'll just reiterate, and say that the only reason you should engage in any sexual activity, is because you have a genuine desire to do so, and you believe it will bring happiness for you and your partner. Of course if you have no desire for that kind of thing, that does not make you any less of a person. Emotional connections are what matter in life. For some people sexuality is an important part of some of those connections. For others it is not. I know I'm just restating stuff here, but I just wanted to provide another voice of support.

  9. #9


    People seem to have a love/hate relationship with labels. We are easily offended when someone slaps a label on us but, on the other hand, we find some comfort in the illusion that the labels we apply to ourselves help us to understand ourselves.

    My belief is we are born with a blank slate, sexually, and the junk that provokes a sexual response in us is inserted into the brain at a later stage. We don't have any say in the process but most people receive a pretty standard package of junk, this is what makes them "normal". People like us have been selected to receive some unusual junk in addition to, or instead of, the standard junk. This makes us "odd". Oh well, I didn't come with a receipt. Did you?

    Sexuality is important to society because it is one of the strongest links for forming a relationship with a mate, and the bond between mates is the foundation of society. In no way does this mean we are unfit for society if we have nonstandard junk in our sex drives, it's just that, if there is a social expectation here, it is that we should pair off. I'm not being judgemental here, but I am curious; do you think you would have any desire to form a relationship, even a nonsexual one, with a partner for life?... or would you be more content with having a circle of close friends? I think this is part of the issue you are dealing with, but go ahead and smack me if I am reading too much between the lines.

  10. #10


    Thank you everyone who replied, im going to take your advice to heart. It means a lot to me that you guys care and are trying to help me .

    To answer your question drifter I do have a desire to be in a relationship. Sex has never really crossed my mind but I love the idea of someone being with me. Someone who would hold me in thier arms and cuddle with me. I know it sounds silly >.< but thats what I want. I'm not sure on all the details but I definitely feel their is an absence of intimacy in my life. I badly want to be in love and loved :,(.

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