I'm not really sure If I'm posting this in the right place. Feel free to move it, if it is more appropriate somewhere else. I have never spoken with anyone about this. For years I thought it would go away; it has not. I would not say that I experience gender dysphoria. I was born a boy, and I'm fine with that. The problem is that since the age of 12 or 13, I have experienced a strong dislike and a desire to get rid of my male genitals. I can remember even from childhood when I came across references to eunuchs and castration in literature, I found them oddly terrifying and intriguing at the same time. I thought about them a lot. When I first experienced these feelings, I found them very troubling, but I assumed they were just a passing phase. The feelings tend to wax and wane, but they have never gone away. If anything, they have grown stronger over time. I wonder if any one else has experienced similar feelings?
I feel I should provide some disclaimer. Even though I feel no desire to fully transition and live as female, I do believe that the strict rules our society has about what is appropriate based on gender are bullshit. I also fully support those who feel the need to transition from one gender to another. I see nothing wrong with it. That is just not what I desire. I do intend to seek professional counseling in the near future. But due to money and time restrictions, this is not easy to do. I feel that being able to talk through my feelings may help me organize my thoughts some before talking to a professional.
Of course with these kinds of desires, I have done a fair amount of internet research on what it would take to have my genitals removed. This is not something I would ever consider having done in any way other than by trained professionals in a sterile setting. I realize it may never happen, but in my innermost thoughts I very much have a desire to have genital reassignment surgery. My sexual attraction is primarly toward men, and I very much like the idea of having the option to have vaginal sex. Ideally I would take supplemental testosterone, to avoid health problems associated with low hormone levels. From what I have found, in the western world, through legal channels, it is not possible to undergo genital reassignment without also taking female hormones and legally transitioning to female. I find it frustrating, that continuing to live as male after undergoing genital reassignment may never be an option.
I feel like I often go through periods where my desire to not have male genitals seems to consume my thoughts, and prevent me from getting important things done. I wish that were not the case. I honestly wish that I didn't experience these feelings. I feel like it is selfish of me to have these desires. I feel that I should just be happy with what nature gave me; that I shouldn't take such physical risk and spend so much money just to change my body. I don't believe I am a female trapped in a male body. I really believe that there are more than two genders. I think I may be somewhere between male and female. I wish I could be male with female genitals. I also wish that I could just learn to be happy with the body I was born with. So far I have not figured that out. Maybe I will someday. I realize there are lots of conflicting thoughts here. That is just how things are in my brain.
Just to further complicate things; as far as I know, I have never been able to experience an orgasm. I do have wet dreams, so I know things work ok physically. Of course I have done plenty of research and experimentation in ways to overcome this. This condition is known as Anorgasmia and from all the literature I have been able to find, seems to occur almost exclusively in females. I feel that as a next step, I should see a sex therapist. Unfortunately I have very limited health insurance, and I feel rather daunted by the prospect of going to a sex therapist. If anyone can recommend any resources, I would appreciate it. (I'm located on the front range in Colorado.)
If anyone has advice or experiences related to any of the stuff here it would be much appreciated.