Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Boyfriend and I have decided to Open up the relationship

  1. #1

    Default Boyfriend and I have decided to Open up the relationship

    Boyfriend wants to open relationship up so that we can both have our needs met, we're technically not engaged but we've both agreed we might as well be, we are fully committed to one another. (only reason is he wants to do it in person).

    This is so that we are not so sexually frustrated with one another, so I can engage in my fetish without him being involved.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Conditions (subject to modification) are:

    I’m free to webcam, he's to only interact with his close friend.

    We are to let the parties involved know that we are engaged and are not interested in a relationship.

    If either party begins to get attached, we close off the relationship.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    What do you guys think? Is this advisable?

    An accident waiting to happen?

  2. #2

    Default

    Me and my fiancee are swingers. The basic idea of it is that this will magnify both the good an bad of your relationship. If there are issues of sexual inadequacy, they'll get worse. If you're made happy seeing your partner happy, then you're both going to be really happy. The rule is that swinging is a bad idea if you're using it to fix a problem in the relationship; it's a good idea if you want to try new things and be more adventurous. In my case, me and my fiancee are both bisexual. I'm into guys, she's into girls... so why not just go for it? We want friends that we also have sex with. Haven't found any yet, but we've networked with two couples who seem promising. We're meeting one next weekend, the other at some indefinite point in the future (the wife is pregnant and they're on temporary hiatus).

    In a more philosophical sense, I'll admit I don't understand monogamy. I'm not saying that we should all be in giant polyamorous group relationships. If that's your thing, then fine! But I feel like I'm going to have the deepest relationship when I devote all my energy to one person. Sexual monogamy is something else. Why is it that when we get married we decide to stop having sex with anyone other than the two of us? We still have friends outside of our relationship, why would we stop having sex? I've just always felt like not allowing your partner to have sex with anyone other than you is extraordinarily controlling. To continue the analogy, what makes it different than not allowing them to have friends other than you?

    Attachment may be an issue. If you keep having contact with one person for mutual sexual satisfaction, you're going to get attached. Period. There's little getting around this unless you don't have any repeat performances with the same person twice, which may prove difficult in developing compatibility with another person (which will limit your fulfillment), and will make it hard to find partners given you keep needing to find new ones. Frankly, my guess is that sooner or later you'll notice you're getting a little teensy bit attached, but just put a mental check on that because you've finally gotten something awesome going with someone. Then the attachment is more than a little bit, but the fulfillment is even better. Repeat ad infinitum.

    Next, swinging (which is more or less what this is) alone has a unique set of challenges. Does he know that this specific friend wants to reciprocate? Sometimes when you open a relationship, one member of the couple has much more success finding partners which stirs negative feelings in the other. Granted, this is most often a problem in opposite-sex relationships; there are orders of magnitude higher demand for single ladies than for single men. I don't know how gay couples fair in regard to this. More over, the things he's "allowed" to do are different from the things on your list. Have you considered the possibility that you'll be jealous he gets real-life interaction but you can only cam? Don't say it won't happen. This is new and ultimately there's no telling if you'll be ok with something until it happens or not. Moreover, he's only to interact with this close friend. What if it turns out to not be great with this friend, but in two months he makes a new friend he feels really smitten by? Is it fair for him to expand his boundaries and if so would you expect him to let you expand yours as well? He might feel that substituting in this new friend isn't expanding his limits because there's now a better person and he's still keeping to one person; you might feel differently.

    There's something I'm not really seeing in this that I wish it was: a general prudential rule. Your rules are structured very much in the sense of "this is what I can do and what he can do." It's not structured as "I want him to do what makes him happy knowing that he'll respect what he knows my limits of comfort are." That's something of a red flag for me. That said, there are couples who make systems like this work with specific situations (eg, "I'm alright with my husband fooling around when he's away on business trips as long as it stays away from home."), so it's possible. It's just not a situation I would consider ideal- but that's me, and I'm not you. In my relationship, we discuss boundaries before any encounter- how far we're willing to go, abort words, limits, etc. But we also have a rule that either of us can do what feels right in the moment and the other won't hold it against them. If we're with another couple and my she's just so into it that she needs to have the other guy in her- then I'm not going to stop her because I want her to have fun and I know that no matter what, I'm more important. The only rule that's never broken is condoms.
    Last edited by AEsahaettr; 17-Nov-2014 at 01:08.

  3. #3

    Default

    In all honesty, I believe the underlying problem is mainly the fact that your BF isn't comfortable with your fetish. If there's ever a point in time where one or both members of the party are looking for a need in another person that should be fulfilled by the SO, there are going to be problems down the road. Things are going to get complicated pretty quickly in that case.

    Now, some of the things I'm confused about are: How close is your BF to you distance-wise? Is the attraction entirely romantic and not involving sex whatsoever? What does 'interaction with his close friend' entail? What exactly goes on in the webcam sessions? Will you be able to close off a relationship if someone gets attached to another? Are you both 100% comfortable with the other person sharing something as intimate as sex with another?

    Please don't publicly answer anything that you don't feel comfortable about. However, I STRONGLY urge you to answer these questions for yourself and see where it takes you both. I think in an ideal world where emotions weren't in a relationship, these guidelines could easily work. But relationships shouldn't be just business to me. In my opinion they are anything but just business. They are entirely messy and emotional things that bring two people together in a deeper connection than just being friends or acquaintances. I feel as though you are both approaching an emotionally vulnerable situation with cold logic.

    Sex isn't about getting your rocks off. It's about connecting together as human beings to create a magical experience. If you degrade it to the barbaric desire to orgasm, then it's so much dirtier and basic than what it should be. That type of environment is counterproductive to a relationship. Maybe it works for some people, though I feel that those are short term relationships. Long term relationships are about togetherness and intimacy on as many levels as possible for the benefit of both parties. Exclude sex from that and I fear there's going to be a backlash down the road.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    Sex isn't about getting your rocks off. It's about connecting together as human beings to create a magical experience.
    It's both. There are a lot of swingers who have sex outside their relationship with no emotional attachment- they just want to find new and exciting ways to get their rocks off. For example, some men love to watch their wives have sex with another man. Does it matter that there's no emotional connection between his wife and the other man? The husband and wife get to play out a sexual fantasy and the other man gets a one-night upgrade over using his hand. Everyone wins.

    I love to masturbate while watching women use diapers. My fiancee does not like to use diapers. I solve this while watching videos of women using diapers while I masturbate. By your definition, this isn't sex.
    Last edited by AEsahaettr; 17-Nov-2014 at 01:16.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    In a more philosophical sense, I'll admit I don't understand monogamy. I'm not saying that we should all be in giant polyamorous group relationships. If that's your thing, then fine! But I feel like I'm going to have the deepest relationship when I devote all my energy to one person. Sexual monogamy is something else. Why is it that when we get married we decide to stop having sex with anyone other than the two of us? We still have friends outside of our relationship, why would we stop having sex? I've just always felt like not allowing your partner to have sex with anyone other than you is extraordinarily controlling. To continue the analogy, what makes it different than not allowing them to have friends other than you?
    I think that depends entirely on your conception of what sex is. If it's a necessity to ensure that you gain relief instead of frustration, then I suppose it isn't such a big deal to fool around with other people. But I think the reason people believe in sexually monogamous relationships is because it shows an exclusive desire to connect with that person on an extremely intimate level via sex. It becomes something that the both of them share together in order to better understand each other on that different level. Just screwing anyone and everyone can really make sex out to be what the media's been portraying for quite some time: The fun thing for everyone to do regardless of connection to the other individual.

    Now granted the example I gave is a bit exaggerated. That being said, consider how many people brag about one night stands or drunken encounters. There's a good portion of people who view sex as something to just get your rocks off on whoever else wants to join in, and I find that extremely troubling. The best sex is always with someone who you truly care about and are totally wrapped up in, not the 'hot' prostitute someone pays for a quickie. To me, that's an indicator that it should be between two lovers, or two people who are exploring their love. But devoting all your energy to one person romantically while regarding sex much more loosely seems to be as counter-intuitive.

    Again, this comes back to our differing opinions on sex, I believe. But I hope that sheds light on why people enter sexually monogamous relationships.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    It's both. There are a lot of swingers who have sex outside their relationship with no emotional attachment- they just want to find new and exciting ways to get their rocks off. For example, some men love to watch their wives have sex with another man. Does it matter that there's no emotional connection between his wife and the other man? The husband and wife get to play out a sexual fantasy and the other man gets a one-night upgrade over using his hand. Everyone wins.
    Fair enough, I can respect that viewpoint. I find it difficult to agree with, but I see where you're coming from.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    But I think the reason people believe in sexually monogamous relationships is because it shows an exclusive desire to connect with that person on an extremely intimate level via sex. It becomes something that the both of them share together in order to better understand each other on that different level.
    My point is that I don't see why a person can't have what you describe with one person while simultaneously having fulfilling sexual experiences with others. How would the gestalt of that relationship be negated if a friend of mine gives me a handy one day?



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    Just screwing anyone and everyone can really make sex out to be what the media's been portraying for quite some time: The fun thing for everyone to do regardless of connection to the other individual.
    Sex is but a tool to be used in enjoying the human experience. And like many tools, it can be used for multiple purposes. And your statement portrays the situation inaccurately as a binary. I'm not monogamous, but I also don't screw anyone and everyone. I don't contact anyone in the swinger world if I don't have physical attraction. And past that hurdle, no one gets into my pants unless I genuinely like that person.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    The best sex is always with someone who you truly care about and are totally wrapped up in, not the 'hot' prostitute someone pays for a quickie.
    Depends how you define "best." If you mean sex as a vehicle for love and emotion, ok. If you mean sex as a physical pleasure, then I think hiring a stable of $500/hr call girls for an overnight would give your SO no less than close competition.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    In all honesty, I believe the underlying problem is mainly the fact that your BF isn't comfortable with your fetish. If there's ever a point in time where one or both members of the party are looking for a need in another person that should be fulfilled by the SO, there are going to be problems down the road.
    To turn around and agree with you, this is what I was driving at but didn't actually say. It doesn't sound like OP and his boyfriend are looking to grow their relationship by opening it up- it sounds like they've discovered an incompatibility and are trying to jury rig things so that they can stay in their relationship but still fulfill their needs. I won't say you can't do this successfully, but in general, my impression is that this fails more than it succeeds. I have a friend who has a low sex drive and tells her boyfriends that she's ok with them having sex with other people as long as they stay safe and he doesn't have any regulars- then again, she's also 34 and still single, so take it as you will.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Erm... was there a post deleted from the thread?

  7. #7

    Default

    My boyfriend is over 2000 miles away, I'm in Texas, he's in Ontario.

    At this point, we have been apart for about 6 months, hence no sex; but we're committed to one another for the long haul. Again, we've stressed to each other that although we're not engaged yet, we might as well be.

    "interaction with his close friend" would entail oral sex, and hand-job. No cuddling or kissing, no anal sex.

    Web Cam sessions would just entail role-playing, mostly another party treating me like a 4-year old and role-playing as my mommy or daddy.

  8. #8

    Default

    You should definitely listen to this guy AEsahaettr because he gave out very specific information on the differences you were talking about sonic!

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    Erm... was there a post deleted from the thread?
    That was me. I was seconding your answer about the difference of this,

    "Sex isn't about getting your rocks off. It's about connecting together as human beings to create a magical experience."

    It is the same/both so I was just agreeing with you.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by SonicZelda View Post
    My boyfriend is over 2000 miles away, I'm in Texas, he's in Ontario.

    At this point, we have been apart for about 6 months, hence no sex; but we're committed to one another for the long haul. Again, we've stressed to each other that although we're not engaged yet, we might as well be.

    "interaction with his close friend" would entail oral sex, and hand-job. No cuddling or kissing, no anal sex.

    Web Cam sessions would just entail role-playing, mostly another party treating me like a 4-year old and role-playing as my mommy or daddy.
    The questions you've got to ask are what each of you is comfortable with. You're far away, so I can see why you're sexually frustrated. But you need to be sure that each of you fulfilling that physical desire won't drive you apart. Ask yourself, honestly, if the image of him getting pleasure from another man bothers you. You need to be ready to face that fact, not pretend it doesn't exist. Similarly, make sure he fully understands what you'll be doing and he doesn't appear bothered by it. These are questions to ask multiple times if you don't feel confident about his feelings.

    What you don't want is surface agreement from everyone now and then anger down the road.

  10. #10

    Default

    I also think that you must avoid a situation where one might be jealous or envious. As humans, we tend to be possessive, even of other people. Some people have little of this, and some have a lot. I tend to be possessive, but I suffered from Borderline Personality disorder when I was young, and I tend to be OCD, so we all have our differences. At the same time, when I was much, much younger, if a cute guy came along, I would be tempted to flirt or mess around. Now, I'm to old to care and I'm certainly no great catch. In a way, it eliminates a lot of stress and angst which I'm glad for.

    Being young almost guarantees that most people will have a healthy sex drive, and it wants to be appeased. As others have said, it's all about your acceptance levels. It's funny, but my wife didn't feel threatened if I was attracted to another guy because it wasn't in an arena where she could compete, nor did she care. But if I had been attracted to a female, she would have been very hurt. And oddly, I never wanted to hurt my wife.

    In the final analysis, not hurting each other will be paramount. If you both can be comfortable with this setup, then it shouldn't matter, but if this changes, you may need to back off and reappraise this arrangement.

Similar Threads

  1. Tinkerbell GoodNites - to open or not to open?
    By CommanderCrayfish in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 14-Apr-2013, 20:00
  2. Replies: 10
    Last Post: 04-Mar-2013, 18:35
  3. My boyfriend's kinky fetish might doom our relationship.
    By Chillhouse in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 13-Jul-2008, 23:50
  4. I have decided to take a break.
    By baconbit in forum Greetings / Introductions
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 23-Mar-2008, 01:32

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.