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Thread: Help! AB/DL/Little Desires vs. Responsibilities vs. Other Things in Life

  1. #1

    Default Help! AB/DL/Little Desires vs. Responsibilities vs. Other Things in Life

    (Sorry for the long read, but this is a complicated problem.)

    (tl;dr: Have any of you been occupied by AB/DL/little to the neglect of your responsibilities and how did you deal with it?)

    I'm wondering if any of you have had your AB/DL/Little desires interfere with your life/work/school/responsibilities, and how did you deal with it?

    I have come to realize that the majority of the time, I can only be mostly occupied with school, Asperger's special interests (similar a hobby taken to an excessive degree that is immensely satisfying, and even euphoric.), or AB/Little stuff.

    My life is pretty much one thing only (possibly due to the single-mindedness of Asperger's): If it's not AB/Little, it's special interests, and when there's pressure, it's school, but then AB/Little or special interests come back with a vengeance, forcing me to "make up" the time missed on them.

    This "make up" never happens with school as it can be downright dreadful and it's not as fulfilling and satisfying as AB/Little and special interests.

    If I'm occupied with a week of school exams, I am either distracted by AB/Little stuff and/or my special interests, or I am studying because it is more important and ignoring my little side and my special interests. But once I get a break or even right after one of the tests, I break down and fall into special interests or AB/Little stuff.

    After breaking down, studying properly cannot be recovered completely for a few weeks, by which time, there is another set of exams.

    Studying one week before an exam can never be good for your grade unless it's a multiple-choice test that doesn't require working out problems, which means not good for me.

    Perhaps I'm not a good fit for college. But then, I have the capacity to do the work (Some of my grades prove that I have the ability to.). However, I don't have any way to use that capacity to its fullest extent due to ADHD, Asperger's, little stuff, depression, and my general inability to live normally.

    In the past and now, my AB/Little stuff, to a greater degree, and my special interests, to a lesser degree, have affected my school performance.

    Not being able to handle more than one thing at a time can make me depressed, and it sometimes causes me devalue myself by thinking what's the point of living if I can't do anything profitable. I minus will be dead and suffer the difficulties of life no more. (Note: I have NEVER seriously considered suicide, and I am NOT at risk for it. I value my life too much to do it. This is simply a way of venting my frustration of not being able to live like a normal person, taking care of my responsibilities properly.)

    My ability to function in the matter of schoolwork has improved somewhat since accepting my little and living as a little discretely to the outside world, but the problem of one thing at a time still persists.

    I'm just wondering if any of you had similar experiences where your AB/DL/little possesses you to the point of neglecting your responsibilities. My impression is that most AB/DL/Littles take reasonable care of their responsibilities.
    Last edited by tobid03; 10-Nov-2014 at 01:20.

  2. #2

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    Hello tobid03. I myself have Asperger's and I know how you feel since I used to be there myself once(and in college as well). First I would recommend that you talk to a therapist at your school and be advised that therapist cannot tell anyone anything you tell him/her unless you appear to be a threat to either yourself or to other's. This is covered by federal laws so you don't have to worry about the whole world finding out that your AB. That being said I would tell the therapist how unhealthy not indulging in AB/DL activities can be. I think the therapist will be able to help you control those desires rather then having to be controlled by those desires which sounds like what your issue is. It is possible for you to find a balance and I think a therapist will be able to help you with that. By all means ask me more questions if you want to as well as I am sure I have missed something.

  3. #3

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    I have OCD, and am very familiar with this issue! What a lot of people without mental health issues fail to understand is the way in which the brain can force people with a certain psychological make-up to obsess over one thing, and not be able to break away from it.

    When I was at University, I had weeks where I studied hard, and found myself obsessing over not being able to do more. I also had other weeks where I drank, partied, and went to football games, and couldn't have dragged myself back to my desk even if there was free bacon sandwiches in exchange for doing work.

    I think it's worth sitting down with a therapist, as Accepted says. You're not going to suddenly overcome your tendency for fixating, but you can work and plan to give your days and weeks more of a balanced feel about them. Also, you can create a routine which allows all sides of your personality and your commitments to get a look-in.

    I know how tough it is to let anything else in, when your focus catches on one thing (be it a hobby, a relationship, an academic commitment etc.), but over time you can develop strategies to help you avoid neglecting certain needs and to aid you in being able to see the wider picture of life.

  4. #4

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    Being an older Asperger's/Autism adult who also has Cerebral Palsy, Over the decades, I have learned to maintain a balance between being a baby, and being an adult. It takes time to learn.

  5. #5

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    I agree with Caitian on this one. Asperger's or not, one of the big lessons that college teaches us is balance. More specifically how to balance our short term desires (the fun stuff) with the tasks that contribute to our long term goals (good grades, a degree and a career). You can't devote all of your time to one or the other, you just have to learn how to do what needs to be done, while making enough time for enjoyable things so you don't go crazy!

    This lesson is harder for some of us to learn that others. I recommend finding a mentor to help you with time management and motivation. you may not even need to mention your AB/DL activities to them. Just let them know that private time is important.

    I wish you the best of luck! I didn't figure it out will well after college, and my grades showed it

  6. #6

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    Edit: After re-reading your first post, and then scanning your history, I realise that this doesn't seem to be very relevant to you. Sorry for taking this off topic.



    Quote Originally Posted by tobid03 View Post
    I'm wondering if any of you have had your AB/DL/Little desires interfere with your life/work/school/responsibilities, and how did you deal with it?
    I have mild Asperger's. I love computers but I don't fixate. I do have issues in social situations though and I've slowly learned to read, communicate and interact with people (kind of). This isn't advice, just a simplified version of my experience. Take from it what you like.

    I've been in the situation where I've been neglecting everything except AB. That's to say, I was doing nothing except snuggling in bed, wearing or playing my favourite fps at the time. This was brought on by extreme stress: close relative in hospital who died after a few weeks, real trouble and uncertainty with my client (I was self employed), conflicted feelings about being little. This just meant I didn't sleep, worried more etc which only made it worse each day.

    Since I was too busy with the above I didn't do any work for this client for about a month! How did it go with the client? Well, we'd known each other for a while and I used the excuse that it was my relative. It was in a way and I hated lying to him but of course, I couldn't tell him the full story.

    I tried a few things but the only thing that finally helped me was taking a step down the road to acceptance. I started to get life going again after this.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by JackCrinkles; 12-Nov-2014 at 21:32. Reason: Applying brain

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by JackCrinkles View Post
    Edit: After re-reading your first post, and then scanning your history, I realise that this doesn't seem to be very relevant to you. Sorry for taking this off topic.



    I have mild Asperger's. I love computers but I don't fixate. I do have issues in social situations though and I've slowly learned to read, communicate and interact with people (kind of). This isn't advice, just a simplified version of my experience. Take from it what you like.

    I've been in the situation where I've been neglecting everything except AB. That's to say, I was doing nothing except snuggling in bed, wearing or playing my favourite fps at the time. This was brought on by extreme stress: close relative in hospital who died after a few weeks, real trouble and uncertainty with my client (I was self employed), conflicted feelings about being little. This just meant I didn't sleep, worried more etc which only made it worse each day.

    Since I was too busy with the above I didn't do any work for this client for about a month! How did it go with the client? Well, we'd known each other for a while and I used the excuse that it was my relative. It was in a way and I hated lying to him but of course, I couldn't tell him the full story.

    I tried a few things but the only thing that finally helped me was taking a step down the road to acceptance. I started to get life going again after this.

    Good luck.
    When I was a younger adult, I was having the same difficulties in going too deep into either being "Little" or being "All Grown Up". It caused a lot of emotional instability in me as a person with Autism and Cerebral Palsy. It played havoc with my vocational direction/career as an Electronics Engineering Technician.

  8. #8

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    It does feel like lying when you don't tell everything, it's pretty normal to not work when you lose someone you love or when someone is sick in the hospital so I think that was a valid excuse for neglecting your work. I tend to regress when I am stressed out and depressed. I think it's a coping mechanism and everyone has it when they are down and some just do regression while some may read or eat or play the computer or smoke or drink or just listen to certain music.

    I tend to have an "addictive personality" and I can't tell the difference if something is an addiction or an aspie obsession or an OCD obsession. Hard for me to tell when I have both especially when you're told you have an addictive personality. I do wonder if it's common in autism since I would always get fixed on doing something after getting into it and it would be hard for me to stop as long as I can remember. I sometimes zone out and forget things around me. I think my mom calls these addictions. I remember seeing a discussion on addictive personalty on Wrongplanet years back. The thing about me is, I have never been a smoker or an alcoholic or a shopaholic or a gambling addict and my computer has never kept me from working or going out and having fun or going on trips, and I have never done drugs. But perhaps it can be in other things than these things. I am sure AB/DL can be an addictive personality. It's something some of us do to cope. I got addicted to diapers so I wear them 24/7. Once I started wearing them, I couldn't stop. I am still skeptical about having an addictive personality.

    I know this was off topic too for the OP.

  9. #9

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    For what it's worth, I divide up life into things you have to do and things you want to do.

    Stuff you have to do is what's required for school or work, taking proper care of yourself and your health, and meeting your duties to family and friends. Don't think if those as things you can blow off or drift out of. Think of them as requirements. You're simply not allowed to do anything else if you haven't met these minimums.

    Then, after that is all the stuff you want to do. ABDL stuff, other interests, socializing, keeping in touch with people you like, etc.

    If your hobbies or personal interests are becoming obsessive to the point that they're interfering with your work or studies, that's the sign of a problem. And if it's one where you know you can't deal alone (whether that's due to Asperger's or for any other reason), then it's time to seek some counseling. That's what they're there for. If you're studying somewhere, that institution wants to see you succeed.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    For what it's worth, I divide up life into things you have to do and things you want to do.

    Stuff you have to do is what's required for school or work, taking proper care of yourself and your health, and meeting your duties to family and friends. Don't think if those as things you can blow off or drift out of. Think of them as requirements. You're simply not allowed to do anything else if you haven't met these minimums.

    Then, after that is all the stuff you want to do. ABDL stuff, other interests, socializing, keeping in touch with people you like, etc.

    If your hobbies or personal interests are becoming obsessive to the point that they're interfering with your work or studies, that's the sign of a problem. And if it's one where you know you can't deal alone (whether that's due to Asperger's or for any other reason), then it's time to seek some counseling. That's what they're there for. If you're studying somewhere, that institution wants to see you succeed.
    I understand what you are saying.
    I perform my "adult" responsibilities first, then I work on my interests, and lastly, I do what I need to do to let my Adult Baby side come out, and I try to maintain a balance to not become "engulfed" into one side of myself or another, in order to maintain emotional stability.

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