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Thread: Marriage Wows

  1. #1

    Default Marriage Wows

    Well, I thought things were going better between my wife and I but just lately they have taken a nose-dive. I really want to hold this marriage together but it seems to be increasingly difficult. I post the current state of affairs in hope of some insightful comment that may help us....

    1. Some people get through this by keeping everything separate. For example, I have read many times things like 'my wife really is not into the diapers but she lets me wear when she is not around.' Well, that is really difficult for me. I fantasize a LOT about her involvement - it seems to be something I really crave. She has done a little in the past but it is not easy for her and so we both end up getting frustrated. So, she feels that what she has tried is not good enough and so there is no point trying anymore - in effect, she is done with diapers altogether. Although she has said this, it is probably not completely true - I think she might give it another chance under the right circumstances.

    2. I think one of her fears is that when she does give me something, it will not be enough and I will want more and more. She might be right, I don't know. I think there could be some truth there but I also like to think I have limits and would not keep pushing her for more.

    3. One of the problems we have had in the past when she has been more willing to work on things is the requirement that I ask for what I want. This is really hard for me - outside of this group, I still have a great deal of trouble talking about diapers - especially specifics. I asked if she could initiate and I even sent her an e-mail with the kinds of things she could do but she insists that I ask verbally for exactly what I want. I just can't get over the difficulty of doing this so instead I say nothing and just get frustrated and go to bed in a bad mood. I think this is a really big problem, any suggestions?

    4. She has set a bunch of boundary conditions that include.... i) I never wear around the kids. This is difficult since they are all over the place, all the time. I would think if I had everything covered up properly it would be okay but she is pretty firm about this. I love to wear in the mornings which makes it even harder. Should I see if she will compromise on this or accept this boundary condition? ii) She does not want me using my diapers around her (I never mess but always wet). To me there is no point wearing them if I can't wet them. Those are the two that affect me the most - any comments?

    Well, that's about all for now. I welcome suggestions as to how we proceed.

  2. #2

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    Sounds a bit like you're on a dead end on your current path regarding this thing only.

    I wonder - since you've only talked about the issues about how or not to be specific she doesn't want to be involved, or doesn't want to you to wear given certain circumstances - how is your relationship besides that?
    Is everything okay in general and are you able to talk about your problems, deal with them and move on? Are you on a similar mindset regarding the raising of your children?
    I think this is far more mandatory. If there are more serious problems at hand it better to deal with them, until you'd get to the point of moving onto your sexual desires.

    What I want to get to specifically is simply that she might be more open if she's "satisfied" with everything else. Since if she's not it's very likely that she simply won't allow you to do anything and doesn't want to get involved anyway. It would be doing "you" a favor, but if she's getting none, that's hard to do sometimes.

    Anyway, other than that I'd care about the boundary conditions she's given you. In general I'd guess that they're important for her, otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned them. As of course most people would say that you should keep your children out of it. They don't need to know or to see it at all. It's none of their business. As you know... bedtimes things as usual. Otherwise it might lead to years of childhood therapy. Just kidding of course, but you'll never know what may happen.

    Regarding your wife directly, if you really think that she might not be done with it. And if you're able to get past the point of giving her the impression that you'll always want more and more if she gives you something.
    Other than that, what does she like? A favour for a favour. I always like to point that out: Life is a negotiation. We all want, we all give to get what we want. Although it sounds a bit self-serving it's actually much more kind for your partner. In an ideal relationship it would be both giving at least 60%. This would put you in a balance and no one feels used. Or at least no one is being used directly, while the other one only gets what he or she wants.
    To cut a long story short, getting her involved perhaps may be much easier by also doing what she likes for a change. Or maybe also combining those things. Given the fact that she might like more things as plain vanilla orientated intimicies, while even there you still can please her differently for a change. Variation is the key I think.

    So talk talk and talk, it's the key for any relationship about whatever it might be. You said that it's hard for you to talk about your fetish directly, and most people would understand that. But at least you could try to talk your way around it, while also getting to know her more. Things also change over time, if you think that you know her already from head to toe.

  3. #3

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    I didn't wear at all when the kids were home and in the house. Because of my job, I had Fridays off, a day my wife worked, and the kids were at school. This was the only time I wore, usually while vacuuming the house. When we get married and have kids, we do have to behave sensibly around them, and that usually means making sacrifices. It takes quite a few years for kids to grow up and leave the house. You simply have to look for opportunities to wear when people are out and about. It's never easy, but it's how many of us have had to cope.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    Well, I thought things were going better between my wife and I but just lately they have taken a nose-dive. I really want to hold this marriage together but it seems to be increasingly difficult. I post the current state of affairs in hope of some insightful comment that may help us....

    You know, just the other day, I thought my truck was running fine until a rotten water hose blew. The signs of it going bad went unnoticed until steam boiled out. Before I bought it, I was warned that "it had issues" and "should not be trusted." When I got her, I figured out her needs first, paid attention to any changes, and have been rather please at only 1 break-down I should have caught earlier. A truck is easy to repair or replace; a marriage isn't.


    In marriage, the warning signs may be more subtle, but the impact is greater. Oddly enough, the recipe for success is the same: figure out her needs, pay attention to any changes, and expect some surprises. Hopefully, I can provide some suggestions to fix up your marriage.


    My first suggestion is communication; it must be clearly going both ways. Are you able to voice frustrations without either of you getting defensive, making excuses, or avoiding the topic? Can you work together? When was the last time just the two of you just shared some time together? No fetishes, no worries, no agenda, nothing, just being there for your spouse. It may be worth while to buy a 100 piece puzzle with a picture neither of you particularly like so both of you can just assemble it together and trash it together when finished. Should not take long. Laugh together if a piece was lost and toss it anyway.


    My second suggestion is to consider communication from her perspective. When did you share you fetish to her? How long did you keep it a secret? Why did you not share earlier? What does the fetish mean? Is there anything else you are not sharing? Will your wife be able to have a "normal" marriage? This knowledge has made your wife have many unanswered questions. Try actively listening to her share her thoughts on the matter and demonstrate that you are trying to understand HER. This will help immensely.




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    1. Some people...
    Well, that is really difficult for me... She has done a little in the past but it is not easy for her and so we both end up getting frustrated. So, she feels that what she has tried is not good enough and so there is no point trying anymore - in effect, she is done with diapers altogether...
    It is nice that you have researched what works for others. As for me, my preference would be for no one else to have any involvement with my diapers. May I suggest that you communicate a few things with your spouse? Did you tell her you appreciated her just being there for you? Did you tell her what went well? Would you consider asking what would maker HER feel more comfortable? I fondly recall a mother panicking while changing a newborn diaper because stuff started spraying out while the diaper was off. Stuff happens. Let's do better next time.




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    2. I think one of her fears is that when she does give me something, it will not be enough and I will want more and more. She might be right, I don't know. I think there could be some truth there but I also like to think I have limits and would not keep pushing her for more.
    Nice, I see the start of a good discussion. May I suggest that you allow her to communicate her fears. You should schedule an initial time for her to share them while you only plan to actively listen and take notes. Suggesting a meeting for her to share, time (week or so) for you to consider her words, and then another scheduled meeting to discuss her concerns. At that point, the two of you could discuss meeting another time to negotiate how to proceed.


    However, from my perspective, going too far is unlikely. You married her, not diapers. You want her more, hence this thread. Therefore, you will not try to push her too far. You will only get too close to the edge if safe boundaries are not set in advance. The real danger occurs when the boundary shifts unexpectedly like a bridge washing out. I recommend the "green, yellow, red" safe word system to communicate this. Green is good; yellow is proceed with caution; red is "we are done here." Everyone involved in a play scene should agree to follow and use the safe words. Make you wife promise to safe word before going too far! Better to end early than go too far.




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    3. One of the problems we have had in the past when she has been more willing to work on things is the requirement that I ask for what I want.
    She communicated a requirement. You do not approve. My suggestion would be to try to negotiate a win/win solution. The first step would be to understand her position. Verbally talking with her would help. Another step would be to better understand your issue with verbally discussing what you want. Are you concerned others may hear?




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    4. She has set a bunch of boundary conditions
    May I suggest viewing this as the same as 2. She has fears; she must protect herself from her fears. If you start with #1 and work through to #4, when you get here, you will know her well enough to know how to re-negotiate the boundaries.




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    Well, that's about all for now. I welcome suggestions as to how we proceed.

    Marriages seem to either just be wonderful or extremely frustrating. The wonderful ones are the ones in which the wife is the most precious part of the husband's world. That key seems to unlock a magical box that makes the marriage all amazing. When the wife knows she can burn water, make obscene threats during labor, put her husband's diaper on wrong, or most any other mistake yet remain most precious to her husband, she will love him and be with him through anything. Honey, where are the keys?

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by daLira View Post
    I wonder - since you've only talked about the issues about how or not to be specific she doesn't want to be involved, or doesn't want to you to wear given certain circumstances - how is your relationship besides that?
    Is everything okay in general and are you able to talk about your problems, deal with them and move on? Are you on a similar mindset regarding the raising of your children?
    I think this is far more mandatory. If there are more serious problems at hand it better to deal with them, until you'd get to the point of moving onto your sexual desires.
    Well, that is interesting you say that. Her new councilor and in fact her previous one (she retired) both advocated what you are suggesting, i.e. dealing with other problems first. Because there are other problems. This is really hard for me to come to terms with - dealing with other problems could take years and it really frightens me to think it will be that long before we can even begin making progress. And what happens in the meantime? Is it back to sneaking around when she is out and staying up late and going down to the basement? But perhaps that is the only way, there does seem to be some consensus.



    Quote Originally Posted by daLira View Post
    Other than that, what does she like? A favour for a favour. I always like to point that out: Life is a negotiation. We all want, we all give to get what we want. Although it sounds a bit self-serving it's actually much more kind for your partner. In an ideal relationship it would be both giving at least 60%. This would put you in a balance and no one feels used. Or at least no one is being used directly, while the other one only gets what he or she wants.
    To cut a long story short, getting her involved perhaps may be much easier by also doing what she likes for a change. Or maybe also combining those things. Given the fact that she might like more things as plain vanilla orientated intimicies, while even there you still can please her differently for a change. Variation is the key I think.
    Well, I have suggested this kind of thing in the past but she has outright accused me of blackmail. She says I should want to please her and love her unconditionally. I really don't see it that way because I do love her and I do what I can to please here whenever I can but unfortunately that is how she views the 'favor for a favor' idea.

    Thanks for your advice!!

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I didn't wear at all when the kids were home and in the house. Because of my job, I had Fridays off, a day my wife worked, and the kids were at school. This was the only time I wore, usually while vacuuming the house. When we get married and have kids, we do have to behave sensibly around them, and that usually means making sacrifices. It takes quite a few years for kids to grow up and leave the house. You simply have to look for opportunities to wear when people are out and about. It's never easy, but it's how many of us have had to cope.
    Yes, of course you are right. And I do like cleaning the house while wearing - just have to watch out for the UPS driver! I will be in my 60's by the time all my kids leave the house but maybe I will have a genuine need for diapers by then!

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremiah View Post
    You know, just the other day, I thought my truck was running fine until a rotten water hose blew. The signs of it going bad went unnoticed until steam boiled out. Before I bought it, I was warned that "it had issues" and "should not be trusted." When I got her, I figured out her needs first, paid attention to any changes, and have been rather please at only 1 break-down I should have caught earlier. A truck is easy to repair or replace; a marriage isn't.
    We have many rotten hoses in our marriage, if they all blow at once things may be damaged beyond repair. Now is the time to start repairing them, we are running out of time.... running out of road!



    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremiah View Post
    My first suggestion is communication; it must be clearly going both ways. Are you able to voice frustrations without either of you getting defensive, making excuses, or avoiding the topic? Can you work together? When was the last time just the two of you just shared some time together? No fetishes, no worries, no agenda, nothing, just being there for your spouse. It may be worth while to buy a 100 piece puzzle with a picture neither of you particularly like so both of you can just assemble it together and trash it together when finished. Should not take long. Laugh together if a piece was lost and toss it anyway.
    We are awful at communication - we have to do better. We are still able to relax and have a good time - not very often, but it can still happen. I think we need to make more time for this kind of thing and I like the puzzle idea!



    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremiah View Post
    My second suggestion is to consider communication from her perspective. When did you share you fetish to her? How long did you keep it a secret? Why did you not share earlier? What does the fetish mean? Is there anything else you are not sharing? Will your wife be able to have a "normal" marriage? This knowledge has made your wife have many unanswered questions. Try actively listening to her share her thoughts on the matter and demonstrate that you are trying to understand HER. This will help immensely.
    I told her before I proposed and that was over 10 years ago now - it has been a struggle for us all that time. But there were other problems. I abused alcohol but have been completely sober now for six months, I will not go back to it. Of course, now I am out in the open regarding the drinking and the diapers - to huge issues for me, I feel like there is absolutely nothing else in the world I can't tell her because everything else is really insignificant! I really like being in such a position!!



    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremiah View Post
    However, from my perspective, going too far is unlikely. You married her, not diapers. You want her more, hence this thread. Therefore, you will not try to push her too far. You will only get too close to the edge if safe boundaries are not set in advance. The real danger occurs when the boundary shifts unexpectedly like a bridge washing out. I recommend the "green, yellow, red" safe word system to communicate this. Green is good; yellow is proceed with caution; red is "we are done here." Everyone involved in a play scene should agree to follow and use the safe words. Make you wife promise to safe word before going too far! Better to end early than go too far.
    Interesting idea, maybe we could try something like that.



    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremiah View Post
    She communicated a requirement. You do not approve. My suggestion would be to try to negotiate a win/win solution. The first step would be to understand her position. Verbally talking with her would help. Another step would be to better understand your issue with verbally discussing what you want. Are you concerned others may hear?
    It's not that I am concerned others may hear, I think I still suffer shame and discussing what I want with her is very hard and embarrassing for me. Maybe this is something I should talk to my councilor about.


    Thanks for all the advice. I may have her read this thread - I don't think it will hurt. She has never looked at this board but I have told her about it.

  6. #6

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    I am reluctant to reply to your post, but as I read it I realized that years ago I could have written the same thing, even all your responses, practically word for word. I know where you're at, but my reluctance is due to not having any uplifting wisdom to share with you. My marriage ended in divorce. In some ways I am happier now, but the feelings of failure and loneliness can be depressing at times. At least the kids were adults living on their own when we split.

    You have an advantage I didn't have: ADISC. The conventional wisdom is that communication is the key, and I go along with that. What you have to talk about is how to shore up your marriage and keep it going, if that is what you both want. You have to figure out if you two can actually accept each other as you both are. Can she accept that you will always need some kind of outlet for your diaper fetish? Can you accept that she may never be willing to participate, even verbally, for the rest of your life? This issue is probably the major stumbling block in your marriage right now, but it also sits on top of all the "normal" problems you may have that can lead to a rocky marriage.

    Acceptance does not mean participation, but it does mean not holding a grudge. It will take time and effort to reach that point. I would suggest you start there, realizing that it takes time to repair a marriage; it doesn't happen overnight. Agree not to forget this fetish issue, but also agree it is too volatile to settle at the moment and concentrate on taking small steps on your other issues to get your marriage headed in a healthier and happier direction.

    I feel for ya, man. Best of luck.

  7. #7

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    After reading your latest reply, I felt as though I was Captain Obvious; you are painfully aware of some trouble communicating.




    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    Well, that is interesting you say that. Her new councilor and in fact her previous one (she retired) both advocated what you are suggesting, i.e. dealing with other problems first.


    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    ...Maybe this is something I should talk to my councilor about.
    I see that you both are actively seeking to improve yourself and doing what you can to improve the marriage. Counseling is an excellent tool to have in your tool box, but I cannot help wonder if something else is also required. Separate counselors may not be able to help you and your wife work as a team. You have a real puzzle on your hands which your wife needs to help you solve.



    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    We have many rotten hoses in our marriage, if they all blow at once things may be damaged beyond repair. Now is the time to start repairing them, we are running out of time.... running out of road!
    Don't worry, they will not blow at once. Rotten hoses always go weakest first and any one could be a disaster. Either replace them all at once or invite catastrophe later. When you know they are going, better be headed toward the parts store and not the desert.



    How much further can your marriage continue how it is? Metaphorically speaking, should you continue taping over rotten hoses to gain a few more miles? Be bold! Stop doing what you have been doing. Remove the rotten parts and start fresh. That truck I mentioned earlier, it was cheap, badly neglected, and fit perfectly. Instead of just driving it and hoping for the best, I made a list of everything wrong and immediately corrected the most critical items. Tell your wife you want a good marriage tomorrow without any rotten parts. Make it happen. I know a couple with profiles on another site who did this very thing; made huge improvements overnight.


    To make this bold change, you and your wife need to make a (preferably written) marriage agreement which outlines how you will communicate well, eliminate the rotten parts of your marriage, and how the two of you will handle disagreement. Plan for a living document to be rewritten and signed as needed. This may be as long as required and can included anything both of you agree to include: roles and responsibilities, car maintenance, inspection criteria for rubber hoses, etc. What matters is the critical marriage problems are covered and fixed today. We do not want to wait years on this.


    So, the main rotten part part is communication. Neither of you do it well. Why not? You did with me, your counselor, and ADISC without a problem. Why would your wife be different? Your wife a very specific instance where you have more experience and place a higher value on that communication. Offend me and you can laugh it off; your wife, not so much. Barriers to effective communication are environment (noise such as children), emotion (worry, doubt, fear), location, and distance. Figuring out the barriers and how to go around them will be critical. I suspect something is blocking your communication with your wife.


    Communication requires a sender, receiver, transmission media, and message. The message may have issues with any or all parts. For personal messages, face to face is best so the tone, hand gestures, and facial expressions can give context to the message. "Dying for a pizza" has urgency when you hear it in their voice and see it in their eyes. Does the sender or receiver have emotional barriers? Will the transmission media auto-correct acronyms to random words? Was the message sent without the supporting context? Try working with your wife to fix it. Do not try to place blame, blackmail, or focus on the past. Focus on what needs to be done in the future.


    Delving into communication, listening skills, speaking skills, and even negotiating tactics fill more pages than we have time. What really matters is finding the problem, fixing it with your wife's help, and moving on in a better way. I hope your tomorrow is amazing!

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    Well, I thought things were going better between my wife and I but just lately they have taken a nose-dive. I really want to hold this marriage together but it seems to be increasingly difficult. I post the current state of affairs in hope of some insightful comment that may help us....

    1. Some people get through this by keeping everything separate. For example, I have read many times things like 'my wife really is not into the diapers but she lets me wear when she is not around.' Well, that is really difficult for me. I fantasize a LOT about her involvement - it seems to be something I really crave. She has done a little in the past but it is not easy for her and so we both end up getting frustrated. So, she feels that what she has tried is not good enough and so there is no point trying anymore - in effect, she is done with diapers altogether. Although she has said this, it is probably not completely true - I think she might give it another chance under the right circumstances.

    2. I think one of her fears is that when she does give me something, it will not be enough and I will want more and more. She might be right, I don't know. I think there could be some truth there but I also like to think I have limits and would not keep pushing her for more.

    3. One of the problems we have had in the past when she has been more willing to work on things is the requirement that I ask for what I want. This is really hard for me - outside of this group, I still have a great deal of trouble talking about diapers - especially specifics. I asked if she could initiate and I even sent her an e-mail with the kinds of things she could do but she insists that I ask verbally for exactly what I want. I just can't get over the difficulty of doing this so instead I say nothing and just get frustrated and go to bed in a bad mood. I think this is a really big problem, any suggestions?

    4. She has set a bunch of boundary conditions that include.... i) I never wear around the kids. This is difficult since they are all over the place, all the time. I would think if I had everything covered up properly it would be okay but she is pretty firm about this. I love to wear in the mornings which makes it even harder. Should I see if she will compromise on this or accept this boundary condition? ii) She does not want me using my diapers around her (I never mess but always wet). To me there is no point wearing them if I can't wet them. Those are the two that affect me the most - any comments?

    Well, that's about all for now. I welcome suggestions as to how we proceed.
    I have similar trends in my life. I've been married 6 years, and years 4 and 5 were not good at all. So I'm really hoping that we have things trending in the right direction. But it's been HARD. I think I understand how you feel on these points. But what little useful things that I have to say, I will.

    I think my wife also shares that concern that I'm just going to keep "getting worse" wearing more and more, and so on. (is that what you meant by item 2?) I also think my own wife also hopes that later on in life, this habit will change, (I don't keep up every hobby that I used to be into....)

    Now, on item 4. I started out with similar conditions, and I kind of felt the same way you do. What's the point of going to all the trouble of getting to a diaper, if you have aren't supposed to use it? I pretty much decided that if I doesn't affect her, I'm going to wet myself. And she is aware that it works that way. However, for that to happen, there is an unwritten no touching rule, anytime I'm wearing. (this doesn't come from me.) So, I wear around her sometimes, but that makes it hard for me, because last week she came home needing a hug, and I was diapered, so I couldn't give it to her. I guess that's the trade off when I put on a diaper that afternoon.

    Anyway, that's a little of my experience, I hope it helps some.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    We are awful at communication - we have to do better.
    Hope things are going better for you and your wife.

    For more information on communication, u-tube has a huge selection. The Gottman Institute has good ones without a religious message. The 4 part series: Making Marriages Work is both entertaining and educational. His Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse is also good. How Can You Keep Your Marriage Together? clearly tells how in 60 seconds better than my previous walls of text! John Gottman has spent over 35 years using research methods to study marriages; he knows what works.

    Please let us know if we can help any more.

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