So... People are all going, "Ah, i am sad occasionally, i have depression" and i am sick of that, i have searched online and it doesn't really match anything i found.
Around a friend (yes, a singular) I am always upbeat and happy, always telling jokes and always laughing. But in a group any bigger then 3 i get reclusive, sometimes i start to get this really sad feeling, like they are excluding me. I know that could just be introversion but it is not the whole part.
Alone i usually feel dull, sometimes it only takes a simple conversation with parents or being lost in thought to send me down a spiral of unhappiness. I start feeling empty on the inside and get these weird thoughts, like how life is not even worth it, some thoughts ponder if the human body can survive a 35FT drop unto pavement or grass.
I HATE my thoughts. It starts innocent enough about whatever subject, but almost always does it lead to my brain reminding me of what a miserable little sack of **** i am. I am literally throwing my life out in exchange for short term happiness and have to rely on others so i don't feel sad all the time. That alone can send me into a spiral of self loathing leading to darker thoughts leading to more self loathing and even darker thoughts and so on and so forth.
Nobody IRL knows about this, i am not the heartfelt type around real people. If i told my mom... Well she says she is educated in this, but she has an international certificate for treating Alcohol and Drug abuse. As well as ADHD coaching, which have nothing to do with it (I have been sober since i was born, i once tasted whine from like a bottlecap when i was like 14 but that was just for curiosiity, never touched any of this again). She is all 'natural solutions' and stuff, so instead to take me to a medically trained professional she would adjust my diet (Which consists of barely nothing but bread and fruits due to her being a health freak and forcing it uppon the family) Which would likely cause me to starve because she would make me eat something disgusting for every meal of the day. She would give me loads of herbs and Omega fatty acids and god knows what other to try an make me feel better.
I am currently failing at school because i don't study because i feel sad and depressed when i am alone, and if i get bored (like with studying) it gets even worse. My mom has explicitly stated that if i fail school i will have to pay rent to stay at home, that means get a job and get screamed at by some cranky boss who has a specific way of doing everything (I have had a guy like that before) which makes me feel even worse.
I just feel like i am going closer and closer to the edge, and in a few years i will not be able to take it anymore and... well, go off the edge, both in a metaphorical and a literal way...
I don't know if you would classify this as depression, but it certainly isn't fun feeling drained of all life every time you are alone.
I also happen to be extremely pessimistic for a reason, when someone says that they can't hang out because of something, i think that it is because i am annoying and a burden and not because of someone's 4 year old niece's birthday... I used to be realistic, but when my reality became my fears, that realism turned dark real fast.
I think i covered it all in this post, if there is something you'd like to point out, please ask me, i can answer anything you ask