So I don't really have anyone else to vent this to, so I'll do it here.
I'm going to start when things started going more downhill than usual.
Back in August this year I was living with my best friend in an apartment. We were living together since April or May, I cannot really remember. Now a little off from the story, I am crazy. I have no clue what is wrong with me directly, haven't really been diagnosed. Though, every now and again I would have doubts about my friendship with my room mate. I would feel like she didn't care about me because every time I had a problem that I wanted her help with she would just tell me that I have to fix it since it's my head. Let me tell you this. Talking to yourself, especially when the other you isn't a positive thinker, doesn't help any bit and only furthered my feelings on her not caring about me. We worked at the same place, a low quality call center with realtively the same hours. I always felt like she was not my friend just by the way she acted. She would sometimes sit with a different group rather than me. And it is something to note that she didn't have any friends really at the call center either. She just kinda talked to people to try and make friends with them but sadly, a lot of people at that job are jerks and immature. Like it's high school all over again.So whenever I couldn't take the thoughts bearing down on me to the point I would nearly cry on the phone, which has happened, I would leave work to go home and be alone. From there I punched myself to the point of having a lot of dark bruises all over my legs and some on my arms. My worries about the friendship only got worse as she never really helped me. I guess she felt like if I don't see her as a friend then she isn't going to be my friend. I even wrote her two letters on separate occasions about how I felt and that I really valued the friendship but I just couldn't get the thoughts to go away. She never got back to me on either letter no matter how many times I asked. That only made it worse.. I also managed to upset her every now and again by how I feel. I never wanted to upset her, that is something you need to understand. I held her on such a high pedestal. Before I met her, I would have called myself homosexual but getting to know her I began to fall in love for her. Of course, I never told her. Mostly because she got together with an old ex from high school that I actually encouraged her to try dating him again because he waited 8 years for her, no joke. I wanted her to be happy so I reassured her on every fear she had about him or anything she wanted to talk about I was always there for her when I could be. And you know what happened thanks to me? She's going to marry him. I was invited to go to the wedding..key word is was.. Even if I felt like shit, I was still there and talking to her actually would cheer me up. But if she felt like shit and I badly wanted to figure out how I upset her, she would give me the cold shoulder and build a wall around her that I couldn't get through. I was always left alone with my issues with her. Don't get me wrong though, we had lots of fun and many laughs when we lived together. But, jumping to August is when I just couldn't take it anymore. Somehow I manged to upset her and I couldn't figure out what I did, I begged her to tell me but all she said was "please leave me alone." I was so hurt about how I kept ruining things between us and how she would refuse to open up to me when I made her upset that I told her I am going to move out. She didn't even care... In fact she had me leave a week before the end of August even though I paid my share of the rent for that month and a little extra because I really didn't want to screw her over. She planned to move out in November to go live with her fiance in PA.. So yea, I moved out and that was the last I ever really heard of her. Literally the first 2 weeks of being home I couldn't think of her without crying of just zoning out completely. I tried texting her to please talk and how I wanted to be friends still but the only reply I got after many tries was, "Please leave me alone." I asked her if she still wanted to be friends after that and her fiance texted me telling me that I am no longer her friend because of how stupid I was and that if I ever try to contact him or her again he would file harassment charges on me and call the police...It's funny because she once told me a story about how when they were in high school he kept calling her home to the point her dad threatened to call the cops. Guess that's where he learned it from huh? I badly needed the closure from the friendship. And she knew how important closure is. She didn't get it with her ex. Yet she denied it for me. That message from her fiance was the only closure I was going to get. It still hurts thinking about her because of just how hard I tried to make the friendship work and she just didn't seem to care...
Now back to when I moved out. I imagined that when I moved out I would have more time to hang out with my 3 other friends and time to do things that I wanted since I quit work. But you know what? Every time I texted any of them to try and hang out or chill I am always given an excuse or they just don't even reply..I even called one out on it and she just didn't even acknowledge it. Those 3 hang out with each other quite a bit yet I'm not included anymore it seems. I have to beg to hang out with them. What kind of friendship is that? They never talk to me, I always have to text them first and even then if they do respond they don't even try to keep the conversation going. It's all on me... I want to tell them all off so badly but I know that won't do any good. I already lost them it seems. We use to be good friends and now they just seem like barely and acquaintance. Ever since I moved out I do the same thing ever single day...escape my horrible reality by playing video games and doing drugs to pass out so I don't have to be awake with this pain. I have a good amount of thoughts towards suicide because of just how lonely I am. Before you try to say you'll make new friends hear this. I go through a cycle of friends. My first group of friends I knew since middle school. They never seemed like they were my friends. They never really directed any conversation towards me and if I didn't jump in I just wouldn't be included. I recall when we would have to get into groups in such they would never want me in the groups, they'd pair up with each other or their other friends in the class. Leaving me to be that weird loser kid doing group work all by himself due to how shy and anxious I am or get pushed into a group by the teacher. Even then I felt unwanted by the people in my groups like i was kid you would just stick all the work on and if he didn't finish it, it would only make him more of a loser freak. When I graduated I never talked to any of them. Mostly because none of them ever wanted to chill with me after school, they never even gave me their numbers to text to at least keep in touch. So yea. I feel so lonely ever day it seems. I hate this. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. My ex room mate was the first friend I made in a long time and I managed to ruin it so it really put a lot of doubt on me. I tried meeting friends online but everyone seems only interested in love or getting their rocks off because they already have friends. I have maybe one real friend right now and he's all the way in NY. If I don't kill myself by then, I plan to move up there with him after I finish my college course which will start in January. This is just making me cry really bad so I'm going to stop here. If you have something to say I'd appreciate it. And yes, I'm already in therapy but that doesn't seem to do much. Just makes me feel like the only person who wants to hear what I say I have to pay them.