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Thread: A Long and Possibly Pointless Story

  1. #1
    arandomoddity

    Unhappy A Long and Possibly Pointless Story

    So I don't really have anyone else to vent this to, so I'll do it here.
    I'm going to start when things started going more downhill than usual.
    Back in August this year I was living with my best friend in an apartment. We were living together since April or May, I cannot really remember. Now a little off from the story, I am crazy. I have no clue what is wrong with me directly, haven't really been diagnosed. Though, every now and again I would have doubts about my friendship with my room mate. I would feel like she didn't care about me because every time I had a problem that I wanted her help with she would just tell me that I have to fix it since it's my head. Let me tell you this. Talking to yourself, especially when the other you isn't a positive thinker, doesn't help any bit and only furthered my feelings on her not caring about me. We worked at the same place, a low quality call center with realtively the same hours. I always felt like she was not my friend just by the way she acted. She would sometimes sit with a different group rather than me. And it is something to note that she didn't have any friends really at the call center either. She just kinda talked to people to try and make friends with them but sadly, a lot of people at that job are jerks and immature. Like it's high school all over again.So whenever I couldn't take the thoughts bearing down on me to the point I would nearly cry on the phone, which has happened, I would leave work to go home and be alone. From there I punched myself to the point of having a lot of dark bruises all over my legs and some on my arms. My worries about the friendship only got worse as she never really helped me. I guess she felt like if I don't see her as a friend then she isn't going to be my friend. I even wrote her two letters on separate occasions about how I felt and that I really valued the friendship but I just couldn't get the thoughts to go away. She never got back to me on either letter no matter how many times I asked. That only made it worse.. I also managed to upset her every now and again by how I feel. I never wanted to upset her, that is something you need to understand. I held her on such a high pedestal. Before I met her, I would have called myself homosexual but getting to know her I began to fall in love for her. Of course, I never told her. Mostly because she got together with an old ex from high school that I actually encouraged her to try dating him again because he waited 8 years for her, no joke. I wanted her to be happy so I reassured her on every fear she had about him or anything she wanted to talk about I was always there for her when I could be. And you know what happened thanks to me? She's going to marry him. I was invited to go to the wedding..key word is was.. Even if I felt like shit, I was still there and talking to her actually would cheer me up. But if she felt like shit and I badly wanted to figure out how I upset her, she would give me the cold shoulder and build a wall around her that I couldn't get through. I was always left alone with my issues with her. Don't get me wrong though, we had lots of fun and many laughs when we lived together. But, jumping to August is when I just couldn't take it anymore. Somehow I manged to upset her and I couldn't figure out what I did, I begged her to tell me but all she said was "please leave me alone." I was so hurt about how I kept ruining things between us and how she would refuse to open up to me when I made her upset that I told her I am going to move out. She didn't even care... In fact she had me leave a week before the end of August even though I paid my share of the rent for that month and a little extra because I really didn't want to screw her over. She planned to move out in November to go live with her fiance in PA.. So yea, I moved out and that was the last I ever really heard of her. Literally the first 2 weeks of being home I couldn't think of her without crying of just zoning out completely. I tried texting her to please talk and how I wanted to be friends still but the only reply I got after many tries was, "Please leave me alone." I asked her if she still wanted to be friends after that and her fiance texted me telling me that I am no longer her friend because of how stupid I was and that if I ever try to contact him or her again he would file harassment charges on me and call the police...It's funny because she once told me a story about how when they were in high school he kept calling her home to the point her dad threatened to call the cops. Guess that's where he learned it from huh? I badly needed the closure from the friendship. And she knew how important closure is. She didn't get it with her ex. Yet she denied it for me. That message from her fiance was the only closure I was going to get. It still hurts thinking about her because of just how hard I tried to make the friendship work and she just didn't seem to care...
    Now back to when I moved out. I imagined that when I moved out I would have more time to hang out with my 3 other friends and time to do things that I wanted since I quit work. But you know what? Every time I texted any of them to try and hang out or chill I am always given an excuse or they just don't even reply..I even called one out on it and she just didn't even acknowledge it. Those 3 hang out with each other quite a bit yet I'm not included anymore it seems. I have to beg to hang out with them. What kind of friendship is that? They never talk to me, I always have to text them first and even then if they do respond they don't even try to keep the conversation going. It's all on me... I want to tell them all off so badly but I know that won't do any good. I already lost them it seems. We use to be good friends and now they just seem like barely and acquaintance. Ever since I moved out I do the same thing ever single day...escape my horrible reality by playing video games and doing drugs to pass out so I don't have to be awake with this pain. I have a good amount of thoughts towards suicide because of just how lonely I am. Before you try to say you'll make new friends hear this. I go through a cycle of friends. My first group of friends I knew since middle school. They never seemed like they were my friends. They never really directed any conversation towards me and if I didn't jump in I just wouldn't be included. I recall when we would have to get into groups in such they would never want me in the groups, they'd pair up with each other or their other friends in the class. Leaving me to be that weird loser kid doing group work all by himself due to how shy and anxious I am or get pushed into a group by the teacher. Even then I felt unwanted by the people in my groups like i was kid you would just stick all the work on and if he didn't finish it, it would only make him more of a loser freak. When I graduated I never talked to any of them. Mostly because none of them ever wanted to chill with me after school, they never even gave me their numbers to text to at least keep in touch. So yea. I feel so lonely ever day it seems. I hate this. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. My ex room mate was the first friend I made in a long time and I managed to ruin it so it really put a lot of doubt on me. I tried meeting friends online but everyone seems only interested in love or getting their rocks off because they already have friends. I have maybe one real friend right now and he's all the way in NY. If I don't kill myself by then, I plan to move up there with him after I finish my college course which will start in January. This is just making me cry really bad so I'm going to stop here. If you have something to say I'd appreciate it. And yes, I'm already in therapy but that doesn't seem to do much. Just makes me feel like the only person who wants to hear what I say I have to pay them.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'm sorry for what you're going through. Everyone has their personal trials and they manage them in their own way. While it's hard not to get closure, we have to realize it's not something that others owe us but something we find for ourselves. I hope you're sharing this with your therapist as there's a lot you can work on. You're not just paying for this person to listen but also to use their knowledge and experience to objectively help you.

    Last observation: you might get more attention on this or other long posts if you break up the formatting with paragraphs. Unbroken, that post is a bit of a trial to read and I'm sure you'd like to optimize your chances of getting a response.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by arandomoddity View Post
    So I don't really have anyone else to vent this to, so I'll do it here.

    I'm going to start when things started going more downhill than usual.

    Back in August this year I was living with my best friend in an apartment. We were living together since April or May, I cannot really remember. Now a little off from the story, I am crazy. I have no clue what is wrong with me directly, haven't really been diagnosed. Though, every now and again I would have doubts about my friendship with my room mate. I would feel like she didn't care about me because every time I had a problem that I wanted her help with she would just tell me that I have to fix it since it's my head. Let me tell you this. Talking to yourself, especially when the other you isn't a positive thinker, doesn't help any bit and only furthered my feelings on her not caring about me.

    We worked at the same place, a low quality call center with relatively the same hours. I always felt like she was not my friend just by the way she acted. She would sometimes sit with a different group rather than me. And it is something to note that she didn't have any friends really at the call center either. She just kinda talked to people to try and make friends with them but sadly, a lot of people at that job are jerks and immature. Like it's high school all over again.So whenever I couldn't take the thoughts bearing down on me to the point I would nearly cry on the phone, which has happened, I would leave work to go home and be alone.

    From there I punched myself to the point of having a lot of dark bruises all over my legs and some on my arms. My worries about the friendship only got worse as she never really helped me. I guess she felt like if I don't see her as a friend then she isn't going to be my friend. I even wrote her two letters on separate occasions about how I felt and that I really valued the friendship but I just couldn't get the thoughts to go away. She never got back to me on either letter no matter how many times I asked. That only made it worse.. I also managed to upset her every now and again by how I feel. I never wanted to upset her, that is something you need to understand.

    I held her on such a high pedestal. Before I met her, I would have called myself homosexual but getting to know her I began to fall in love for her. Of course, I never told her. Mostly because she got together with an old ex from high school that I actually encouraged her to try dating him again because he waited 8 years for her, no joke. I wanted her to be happy so I reassured her on every fear she had about him or anything she wanted to talk about I was always there for her when I could be. And you know what happened thanks to me? She's going to marry him.

    I was invited to go to the wedding..key word is was.. Even if I felt like shit, I was still there and talking to her actually would cheer me up. But if she felt like shit and I badly wanted to figure out how I upset her, she would give me the cold shoulder and build a wall around her that I couldn't get through. I was always left alone with my issues with her.

    Don't get me wrong though, we had lots of fun and many laughs when we lived together. But, jumping to August is when I just couldn't take it anymore. Somehow I manged to upset her and I couldn't figure out what I did, I begged her to tell me but all she said was "please leave me alone." I was so hurt about how I kept ruining things between us and how she would refuse to open up to me when I made her upset that I told her I am going to move out. She didn't even care... In fact she had me leave a week before the end of August even though I paid my share of the rent for that month and a little extra because I really didn't want to screw her over.

    She planned to move out in November to go live with her fiance in PA.. So yea, I moved out and that was the last I ever really heard of her. Literally the first 2 weeks of being home I couldn't think of her without crying of just zoning out completely. I tried texting her to please talk and how I wanted to be friends still but the only reply I got after many tries was, "Please leave me alone." I asked her if she still wanted to be friends after that and her fiance texted me telling me that I am no longer her friend because of how stupid I was and that if I ever try to contact him or her again he would file harassment charges on me and call the police...It's funny because she once told me a story about how when they were in high school he kept calling her home to the point her dad threatened to call the cops. Guess that's where he learned it from huh?

    I badly needed the closure from the friendship. And she knew how important closure is. She didn't get it with her ex. Yet she denied it for me. That message from her fiance was the only closure I was going to get. It still hurts thinking about her because of just how hard I tried to make the friendship work and she just didn't seem to care...


    Now back to when I moved out. I imagined that when I moved out I would have more time to hang out with my 3 other friends and time to do things that I wanted since I quit work. But you know what? Every time I texted any of them to try and hang out or chill I am always given an excuse or they just don't even reply..I even called one out on it and she just didn't even acknowledge it. Those 3 hang out with each other quite a bit yet I'm not included anymore it seems. I have to beg to hang out with them. What kind of friendship is that? They never talk to me, I always have to text them first and even then if they do respond they don't even try to keep the conversation going. It's all on me... I want to tell them all off so badly but I know that won't do any good. I already lost them it seems. We use to be good friends and now they just seem like barely and acquaintance.

    Ever since I moved out I do the same thing ever single day...escape my horrible reality by playing video games and doing drugs to pass out so I don't have to be awake with this pain. I have a good amount of thoughts towards suicide because of just how lonely I am. Before you try to say you'll make new friends hear this. I go through a cycle of friends.

    My first group of friends I knew since middle school. They never seemed like they were my friends. They never really directed any conversation towards me and if I didn't jump in I just wouldn't be included. I recall when we would have to get into groups in such they would never want me in the groups, they'd pair up with each other or their other friends in the class. Leaving me to be that weird loser kid doing group work all by himself due to how shy and anxious I am or get pushed into a group by the teacher.

    Even then I felt unwanted by the people in my groups like i was kid you would just stick all the work on and if he didn't finish it, it would only make him more of a loser freak. When I graduated I never talked to any of them. Mostly because none of them ever wanted to chill with me after school, they never even gave me their numbers to text to at least keep in touch.

    So yea. I feel so lonely ever day it seems. I hate this. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. My ex room mate was the first friend I made in a long time and I managed to ruin it so it really put a lot of doubt on me. I tried meeting friends online but everyone seems only interested in love or getting their rocks off because they already have friends. I have maybe one real friend right now and he's all the way in NY. If I don't kill myself by then, I plan to move up there with him after I finish my college course which will start in January.

    This is just making me cry really bad so I'm going to stop here. If you have something to say I'd appreciate it. And yes, I'm already in therapy but that doesn't seem to do much. Just makes me feel like the only person who wants to hear what I say I have to pay them.
    What can I say to this, that doesn't come off as useless platitudes?

    I'll start by echoing what Trevor has said...

    Quite frankly, I believe that this is a job for a professional... please do keep talking it out here as you please...

    If you could print out what you have written here, and take it to therapy for your counselor to view... it's pretty good information that might get things rolling a bit more in your sessions.

    I won't say that I know how or what you feel... however, I do believe that my experiences in my more distant past has some parallels to what you're going through now...

    With that... I will dare tell you... know matter how helplessly futile this all believes to you to be... however convincing... it's not at all futile!

    The other problem with this last friend anyway... you can't know that it was anything that you did or didn't do... for one thing, because she didn't or wouldn't apparently tell you what her issues were...

    If I may speculate... It's possible that you falling in love with her, may have thrown the dynamics off too much... and she simply doesn't know what to do with that... let alone how to respond to you...

    I was more fortunate in those regards, as the girl who I fell in love with (also a co-worker)... was much more accommodating, and forgiving of my team jumping... Frankly, I was confused by my discovery that I was in love with her... Not why, but how... when I was quite certain, and being 7 1/2 years into a homosexual committed relationship... that I was certainly a homosexual... I digress, but it could've been interpreted as a sham, or simply too unexpected for your friend...

    I'm sorry to keep going on about me, but all I can think to help you with right now... is to share anything remotely comparable...

    Oh, and before I forget... I don't believe that you are crazy, but I can see where you might feel like you are, or are getting there...

    And, please pardon me taking the liberties with breaking up your post (quoted)... to ease the readability... my eyes crossed a few times while attempting the full read... no worries?

    Now... skipping ahead, and around a bit... the drugs, or alcohol, etc.. to obliterate the conscious condition (i.e. "passing out")... Let me share my experience with alcohol used in the same manner... it's a very short-sighted and dangerous mode of seeming reprieve... and, this is something else that your therapist needs to be apprised of... You may have to try several different prescribed drugs (no, not at the same time)... before you find the one that levels you off a bit, without gorking you out...

    This is likely going to take some time...yet, it's not a death sentence... won't you stick around and see what happens anyway?

    You may wish to keep in mind.. your normal, is not necessarily healthy... or your potential (and healthy) normal...

    I can't figure out how to express this better now...

    Keep talking, we're listening!



    The (USA) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 is the United States based suicide prevention network of 161 crisis centers, that provides a 24-hour, toll-free hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. After dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the caller is routed to their nearest crisis center to receive immediate counseling and local mental health referrals. The Lifeline supports people who call for themselves or someone they care about.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
    **click to chat option**
    Use this number now, even if you're not feeling, or considering suicide right now...

    Much hope for you friend,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 23-Oct-2014 at 03:50. Reason: adding urls

  4. #4
    arandomoddity

    Default

    I'm seeing my therapist either later this week or next week hopefully. Mostly I've been talking about the room mate because of how badly it effects me. Try with all your might and you still fail. Really encouraging to keep trying after so many failures.
    I would've broken it up but I just wanted to get it off my chest as fast as possible before crying. Thank you for the advice though.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Printing this out sadly isn't possible currently but I can pretty much recall most of what I typed if I start thinking about it.

    I never told her or made any mention that I loved her. I always acted like a friend, I even backed off on some issues that I felt her fiance had to handle. No, I can't recall any but I know I did this on occasion.

    You're good with breaking it up, if it makes it easier then it works.

    When you lose friends by your own actions that you cannot even understand why you do them, why you have such doubt, that's what makes me feel crazy.

    I've taken the generic of Prozac, citalopram, an anti depressant that starts with an L, Paxil, and generic zoloft. None have worked so far and that only friend in NY advised me of Xanax to try since I have high anxiety and worry a lot.
    It may not be a death sentence but it's solitary confinement for what seems like the longest time..
    I mean, can you imagine moving in with her so she can still afford the apartment and so you could have fun and hang out with her, only to have it change so much to where you never really spend time with her anymore because of how wrapped up in her fiance whom you pushed her towards. It's just like life is saying $%&$ YOU. I did so much for her and it just really hurts to get nothing in return. Like nothing I did, all the times I listened to her, hung out with her, helped her with any issue...and not get any kind of help back..just ugh..

    I'm sorry, I really don't want to call them. Last time I told someone I was going to kill myself, they called 911 and had me taken out of work and into a hospital where I had no free will. I don't like that. They charged me for everything even though they didn't do anything helpful. I don't want that again.

  5. #5

    Default

    I want to reply to your post, but I don't have anything to help you short of. Today may be dark, tomorrow darker, but even the darkest night has a sunrise, the strongest storm a rainbow.

    Tho we don't always know what to say, we are always here to listen.

  6. #6

    Default

    Fuck. I say that only because I'm at a loss for words. Your post did an exquisite job of communicating the kind of pain you are experiencing right now. I'm very glad you were willing to share with us. You have already gotten some very good advice here. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It may seem too much to handle right now, but if you seek out the help you need and take care of yourself, it is possible for you to come out of this stronger and wiser. I agree that the way you're friend treated you was deeply unfair. Life isn't fair. She was very likely acting out of fears and insecurities of her own. I hope that you will eventually be able to forgive her, so you can move on and let the hurt heal.

    What I'm about to say, may sound very cliche , but I say it only because I think it has a real potential to help. I know it has helped me at times when I have been in a similar mindset. Is there a place in your community where you can participate in volunteer work in some way? When you are seriously depressed this can be a really good way to get you out of the house and let you forget about your own problems at least temporarily. This is also a really good way to meet all different kinds of people. You don't have to immediately provide all the nitty gritty details of your problems, but be open and honest about where you are in life. People will appreciate that kind of honesty. Ask people questions about there lives. Lots of people like to talk about themselves, and they will often ask questions about you in return. Just be yourself. I really have never met a human being who is not unique and fascinating in some way.

    I realize the world we live in is pretty messed up, it contains a lot of evil and pain and suffering. It also contains so many things that are immeasurably beautiful and wonderful. There is so much love that can be shared between people. Don't let the bad in life keep you from missing out on the good. It won't be easy, but please, go try new things. Meet new people, find what makes you happy, and find ways you can make others happy, then go do those things. That is how life will get better for you and those around you. Please keep taking to all of us here at ADISC. We are happy to listen to your problems, and provide what little advice or commiseration we can. If you need to talk to someone privately, I'm sure you could PM anyone who has replied to this thread, and they will be happy to talk with you. That includes myself. You are stronger than you know. Good luck!

  7. #7
    arandomoddity

    Default

    We have no volunteer work near me, I live in a suburb and I have no car. Asking my parents for rides I don't like because the entire family gossips shit behind your back and I'd rather them know little about me as possible. I already have to have my mom take me to therapy and I hate that enough already. Asking friends for rides won't even happen when they don't even care to talk to me. I just don't know. If every friend I make doesn't ever seem to stay I don't see much of a point in bothering trying to make friends anymore. Especially when I'm the one who has to start the friendship only for it to fail. Idk how different it'll be on Xanax. Maybe I won't give a fuck. If I don't care though I can be an incredible jerk to anyone and everyone I can be. I don't want that but it seems that is what life is making it out to be.
    I've seen the sun come up from many dark nights. And almost every time, when something good happens in my life, a bigger and more troublesome shit storm follows to ruin it or make my life worse. It may be that I expect it to happen after a certain point but I don't let it fully influence how I am towards friends unless they make it seem that way. Given, I can interpret an action to be negative. That's what my therapist thinks anyways. Idk. 20 and I don't see much of a future or a point to even try. If I could, I'd live life fucked up 24/7 so I just won't care about shit anymore and can just laugh at small pointless things forever until I die.

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