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Thread: Not sure what to do.. advice please?

  1. #1

    Default Not sure what to do.. advice please?

    So I am new to this website, but here it goes:
    My husband is an ABDL. He has been since he can remember. Before we were married, he told me this and I accepted it. He said he wanted to be the daddy and that I would be his baby. I could tell it made him happy, so I participated. We have been married a year now and things are changing. I have actually really come to enjoy diapers. I love dressing up and all that jazz. But now, he is beginning to treat me like his mommy. Which I am not ok with. I have made it clear that I am not ok with it. But I think he just can't help it, really. for example, during intimate moments, he will start 'nursing'. it makes me feel.. dirty. I don't like it… it has honestly scarred me just a bit. I mean I can't imagine having kids and nursing them. To mix pleasure with such a motherly act is confusing to me. The whole thing has made me feel just wrong. I was going to say no more diapers, period, for him or me. However, I did some research and where ever I saw that happen, it didn't end well. How can I accept him wearing diapers as long as he doesn't involve me as the mommy? its just that even when he wears them in bed, I just feel dirty. Maybe its my history in the Medical field… but honestly? when he tries to 'nurse' or asks me to put him in a diaper, it hurts me. I know I sound selfish. but it does. I feel like I should be a better wife and accept that this makes him happy. But I no longer want to nurse my own kids when we do start having kids. The idea of being a mother alone is tainted. Because I would relate my mothering experience to our sexual relationship. and then theres the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should do it for him because he does it for me.. I just don't know how to tell him this, to tell him that something I know that makes him happy is hurting me. I love him and he is so good to me.. I just need advice with this...

  2. #2

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    This doesn't sound selfish at all. Everyone has their boundaries, and yours is an understandable one. Not many female caretakers are comfortable with actual "nursing" (as you call it) for a variety of reasons. I think it's important that you talk with him about this particular issue and explain not only how it makes you feel, but why it makes you feel that way. Share with him as much as you can so he can as close as possible understand your discomfort. Through communication, I'm sure you can eventually reach a comfortable compromise that works out for the both of you.

    However, a relationship is (partly) about give and take, making sacrifices. You said that you've come to enjoy diapers and dressing up and whatnot. So if you want to continue participating in ageplay, which is not a bad thing, I think you should still be open to the idea of playing not a "mommy", but at least a "caretaker" role. In a relationship between two littles, it's not very enjoyable for one to always be taking care of the other without some kind of role reversal every now and then. Of course, you should still set your limits and make sure he understands them, but let him enjoy his little time as much as you enjoy yours. You could always take on the role of a nanny or a babysitter, a caretaker that isn't usually involved with "nursing." Still, the most important thing here is the communication.

    If there were any misunderstandings, I apologize. I hope this was what you were looking for.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by cuteinblue View Post
    So I am new to this website, but here it goes:
    Do not worry. We are a support group and we are here to help.



    My husband is an ABDL. He has been since he can remember. Before we were married, he told me this and I accepted it. He said he wanted to be the daddy and that I would be his baby. I could tell it made him happy, so I participated. We have been married a year now and things are changing. I have actually really come to enjoy diapers. I love dressing up and all that jazz.
    This is sort of cool. You are obviously open minded and willing to support him in his "needs"



    But now, he is beginning to treat me like his mommy. Which I am not ok with. I have made it clear that I am not ok with it.
    Very good for you. Communication is the key to any good relationship.



    But I think he just can't help it, really. for example, during intimate moments, he will start 'nursing'. it makes me feel.. dirty. I don't like it… it has honestly scarred me just a bit.
    Again communication is important.




    I mean I can't imagine having kids and nursing them. To mix pleasure with such a motherly act is confusing to me. The whole thing has made me feel just wrong. I was going to say no more diapers, period, for him or me. However, I did some research and where ever I saw that happen, it didn't end well. How can I accept him wearing diapers as long as he doesn't involve me as the mommy?
    This is a little difficult without going into TMI. The act of nursing during "intimacy" is actually reducing the male to a less dominate level during sex and another form of relaxed willingness and sharing of ones body to the other mate.
    But if It makes you uncomfortable then (again) there needs to be communication about the feelings and concerns.



    its just that even when he wears them in bed, I just feel dirty. Maybe its my history in the Medical field… but honestly? when he tries to 'nurse' or asks me to put him in a diaper, it hurts me. I know I sound selfish. but it does. I feel like I should be a better wife and accept that this makes him happy.
    Again there is a lot of "questions/areas of concern" in this area.

    1) what is the reason behind the paraphilia infantilism that your husband is attempting to relive.
    In my case the act of being "Diapered" has a satisfaction to the feeling that I am attempting to go back to.

    2) communication is the key.
    Through communication the boundaries are set and an understanding of each others desire and acceptance is spelled out.
    In my case my wife makes it very clear as to what her concerns are and under what circumstance we can do things. I have to respect that.



    But I no longer want to nurse my own kids when we do start having kids. The idea of being a mother alone is tainted. Because I would relate my mothering experience to our sexual relationship. and then theres the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should do it for him because he does it for me.. I just don't know how to tell him this, to tell him that something I know that makes him happy is hurting me. I love him and he is so good to me.. I just need advice with this...
    These are the points to be discussed when communicating with your spouse.

    Make a time to talk about this.
    Tell him before hand what you want to talk to him about.
    When you sit down to talk stay calm, be respectful, use I statements i.e. "I feel uncomfortable with some parts of .....", and use active listening skills.


    I hope this helps and have a good talk to your husband.

  4. #4

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    Nursing between couples is actually a lot more common than ABDL, It's called an Adult Nursing Relationship. Google it and prepare to be amazed. It is not exclusively an ABDL behabior.

    That being said. Boundaries. If it makes you feel dirty, you shouldn't do it. I don't know why you would consider telling him to more diapers at all. You are right, an all or none situation could potentially end your relationship.

    I'm sure someone else said it. There has to be compromise, again not a strictly ABDL issue. I'm sure there are plenty of couples with a BDSM partner that desires many "dirty" things.

    You could consider therapy. One thing that happened in my marriage is that my wifes Therapist proposed the notion of, if it's not hurting anyone, then what is the issue? Now that's probably a little simplistic. Personally I can see how this nursing during floreplay or sex might be unnerving if you have children you are nursing because of the sexual link. Personally I don't do it. Maybe a therapist or a couples therapist is a good thing. Everybody should see a therapist, seriously. There is no such thing as normal. We stopped nursing for other reasons, but it wasn't because of anything creeping her out.

    He's actually lucky he can wear diapers (or can he?). So many have had to give them up to keep their marriages, others as you have noticed, ended up with no marriage.

    Consider that you could have it worse, he could be a child molester, he could want to bring others into the bedroom for group sex, BSDM, or god knows what. I dunno. It could always be worse.

    Find what you are comfortable with and set those boundaries. I had to compromise, I gave up a lot of things, but I did not (completely) give up diapers.

    If he's not willing to compromise, you have a problem. But you also have a problem if you won't.

    EDIT: Re-reading your post. If you can't tolerate him wearing diapers in bed, I think you are going to have a rough ride ahead of you. To an ABDL, it's like underwear. I don't feel comfortable without my underwear as do a lot of people. So maybe you should pick and choose which is really the worst parts that you can't deal with. Diapers are a pretty important thing for an ABDL or DL though so that's the hardest thing to let go of. Consider a therapist. Seriously.
    Last edited by BouncyBoy; 23-Sep-2014 at 22:24.

  5. #5

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    The only real solution here is to talk it out. You're OK with some of his ABDL behaviours (which is awesome for you for being so open-minded, by the way!), but not others. And that's OK - in any relationship, people have limits of what they're OK with. It's all right if you're not comfortable with nursing in this context. But to make this fair for both of you, you'll need to decide what you are and aren't OK with, and let your husband know clearly. That way, there's no confusion. He knows where the line is, and you can continue to enjoy your intimate life without worrying about being pushed into something that you're not all right with.

    It's OK if there's disagreement and compromises have to be made. You can change your mind in the future if you stop being OK with something, or become open to trying something else. But in a situation like this, being clear about what is and isn't OK is absolutely critical. He needs to know and respect your boundaries.

    So talk it out with him - not accusingly, but from a position of wanting to make sure there's clarity. He will probably appreciate knowing where the line is, too. Let him know what you are OK with, and what you're not OK with. Let him ask questions, too, and be open to talking about it. It may be uncomfortable, but having that knowledge will help both of you tremendously. (I'm also assuming he is the kind of guy who will respect your boundaries when you set them - that's a huge issue of its own if that's not the case!)

    Talk to him and make it clear. That's the best way to proceed, in my opinion.

  6. #6

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    All I can say is, be understanding. I pulled the same thing when I started my relationship. I wanted to baby her, and now I'm more of the AB because that's (probably) what I wanted all along, but didn't come to terms with it until later in our relationship. I would say to give certain things a shot or two and see where it goes. There is no reason why you can't both be "playmates" and be little together.

    As others have said, communicate your needs and boundaries and make the best of the situation.

    ALSO; and this is VERY important..

    Do NOT stop diaper play completely. It takes a lot of time, depression, and courage to finally get to share something like this with somebody. If you just cut him off he will resent it. I can guarantee you that. You mentioned you like doing it, so cutting him off would just be mean to him and unfair to the both of you; don't do it. Breaks are one thing, but holding that over someones head is just unhealthy for a relationship.

    Just my opinion anyways as I'm partly in your situation. Good luck.

  7. #7

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    You said that you like to participate dressing up and the whole diaper thing, I don't really understand why you don't consent him wearing diapers?

    Is it because that the diapers and the dressing up to you only think is a fetish?

    This isn't a fetish alone, it also gives us something else. The regression.

    You may think deep down inside that it would affect your mothering instincts, but there are couples that paused the whole thing. You may be having guilt thinking about it. Imaging going through this your entire life. It's something that we had to learn to accept ourselves and some of us having even crossed that hurdle yet.

    This is a really confusing thing we have and it can be a challenge to deal with. You should speak to other couples here that have gone through the issues at hand.

  8. #8

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    I think your husband is already so lucky to have found a wife how accept and share his feticism that now he have to accept some compromise! So I think you have just to speak about in the most serenity atmosphere, and found the best solution in beetween his and your needs to satisfy both...but remember him that you already did a big and important step in his direction!

  9. #9

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    My wife and I have struggled with this for over a decade now and so one thing I can say is that you cannot expect a quick fix. I think many couples would have called it quits already but we have three kids and are committed to finding a balance and making things work - maybe it will take another decade but I think we are getting closer so I really think it will be sooner than that. Counselling can help a lot but make sure you are both comfortable with who you have or it could just make things worse! Obviously we 'own' most of the issues associated with being ABDL - but not all of them. For example, you talk about this ruining your own experience with nursing your kids due to the association with him 'nursing'. So, maybe you need to work on decoupling feelings and thoughts you have with your husband from those you associate with your kids. But one must also look in detail at what he wants and is doing. If he is latching on for 30 minutes and falls asleep then, if nothing else, that is pretty dull for you and needs to be talked about. However, if it is just short periods then it really is not a lot different to standard foreplay and if it gets too much just shove a paci in this mouth and tell him the milk shop is all sold out! If he 'pretend nurses' that is not the same as when your first child nurses - but maybe you won't figure that out for sure until you actually have one. I know when I watched my wife nursing my kids I was filled with this immense joy and love - ABDL thoughts were a million miles away! But at then end of the day if there is some behavior that you really don't like then you have every right to set boundaries but please do not set them flippantly or when you are angry!

  10. #10

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    Some really good advice here already.

    My 2 cents is that before talking to your husband, cuteinblue, you should do some self-reflection about what you want. Your post reads to me like it contains mixed feelings because you discuss your own enjoyment of diapers and ABDL activities while also talking about your boundaries being crossed and the disgust that you feel.

    I can certainly appreciate that you're confused, but it's not likely that throwing away all these activities that are an important part of your and your husband's life will solve the problem. Instead, I think you should try and think through exactly which things bother you and the reasons why. Once you've got a little bit clearer understanding of yourself, or at least a list of issues that are creating your confusion, you can bring that to a discussion with your husbands and work together to try and find solutions that can make you both comfortable.

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