I am not scared of the other side of my door anymore. I don't know what is waiting for me. Knowing my dad it will be a conversation about how I am wrong about everything. He will continue to try to make me agree with him that I am pathetic and worthless. He will only drive it deeper and deeper, because that is who he is and what he does. It doesn't matter if he has been drinking or not he will still get angry when I disagree. I will always disagree with him because he is wrong. Honestly I made my mom sound horrible, sure she doesn't totally accept me, but she doesn't yell, curse, and hit me. She is the only one of that actually loves me. Recently she has even started calling me baby, or bubby. I just don't want her to not be around for him to say something to me. Yes I know it is what it sounds like, I am a mommies boy. My dad has already picked and picked away at that as well. I love my mom and she loves me, and I feel horrible for making it sound as if she hates me. I am just lost, upset, and depressed. So what, I like to collect toys, cards, games. I am gay, and yes I am a brony and an AB. But who cares, I am different and weird, but that make me unique. I know I shouldn't listen when he or anyone starts in, but I just shut down and forget everything I like about myself. It gets turned into hatred, anger, and disgust. I am a bit bigger than normal people, but that doesn't mean I want you to say it and point that out. I am sorry this is long and seems like I'm just blabbering crap, but it is the truth. My self worth is not what it should be. I don't think I am any good at drawing, and when I post something I expect it to honestly be made fun of. I have been doing a lot of thinking, self evaluation, and have come to this conclusion. Me being different, and the so called "black sheep" of the family shouldn't be the end of the world, or my own life. Me being different is a gift not a curse. I should hold myself to a higher standard than I do now. That doesn't mean I need to think and feel I am better than everyone else because I am not. I should at least feel that I am important to my friends, and to my fellow members of adisc. I should give it my all and focus on myself and be a little selfish at times when it is appropriate. I have a big heart, and I think that there is at least a little good in everyone. But, if I keep living thinking everyone has the same heart as me I am ultimately going to be disappointed and depressed. THANK YOU!! to everyone here on adisc, the nice people on deviantart, and my many inspirations on YouTube. It will take some time, but I know I can beat this and overcome it. *big group hug* <3 <3 <3
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Katy Perry's Firework.. that is just such an amazing song right now.