Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 31

Thread: Please help!? non bias advice needed?

  1. #1
    ABDLVISITOR

    Exclamation Please help!? non bias advice needed?

    Hi there DL's,

    I need some advice. I personally am not a DL. I dont know how to say this without coming across as rude so please do not get offended at any stage throughout my post! I just am not sure how to word things. I am your average young woman, with no desire for DL or AB. I have joined this site as I need some advice and who better to get it from than people such as yourselves.

    I am writing this and reaching out to your community as I am having a dilemma. I have just come across the realisation that my current boyfriend is either a DL or AB or both. I came across this unintentionally so of course he doesnt know that I am aware of his DL/AB tastes.

    I found that he has/is chatting or going on ABDL webcams. He has been watching porn that is specifically ABDL and has joined 'diaperbook'.

    I have nothing against ABDL. I accept people for who they are; Everybody suffers, and everyone just wants acceptance and love, it is a universal need that we all desire. If you are good to me, I will be good to you. Is my philosophy. I have no need for prejudices and judgement. Because; what constitutes normal? There is no definition. I was raised to love everyone, and that i do. (Of course there is the usual whole no tolerance for rapists, pedophiles etc) but you get my drift.

    My questions are these;
    1. How do I go about approaching my boyfriend with this subject to get him to open up to me about it delicately? How can I tell if he is an AB OR DL or both? secondly,
    2. what is diaperbook? is it a sexual site or just to reach out to other people who have the same likes? same goes for ABDL webcams? are they of a sexual nature or friendly?
    3. He never initiates sex with me. EVER. If I never initiated, we would never do it. So it leads me to believe that his ABDL is more satisfying than me?

    The reason I ask is because if diaperbook and ABDL webcams are sexual and not just a support type site, then that in my mind is cheating. It may not be physical, but its still actively going out of your way to become sexual with another person. For me, webcaming goes beyond your usual porn. It gives a somewhat more personal feel to it. And the fact that he wont be sexual with me, yet goes on these websites and webcams to do god knows what, is hurtful. But I dont know, you guys may shed some light on it.

    Many Thanks,
    Confused Citizen

  2. #2

    Default

    I've read and re-read your post several times now. Thinking about the best way to advise on what you should do.

    The best advice I can give you is to sit down with your boyfriend and calmly tell him that you need to talk with him. If he respects you and loves you, he should be more than willing to take the time to talk with you. It's important to remain clam and be completely honest with him. I interpret from your post that this is very difficult for you to discover and I suspect you may feel slightly betrayed or worse.

    Clearly this is something that will impact your relationship and something you can't just ignore at this point. As for the sexual aspect of either, only your boyfriend can say for sure. However, I won't mislead you, both are likely for sexual needs. Ultimately, only you can decide if this something you can grow to understand or if perhaps this may be part of other things in your relationship that may require professional help.

  3. #3
    ABDLVISITOR

    Default

    Thank you, I appreciate your response. Good to hear from an ABDL perspective.

  4. #4

    Default

    To answer your questions:

    1. I would wait until it's a good time to have a talk (aka not when he's about to go to bed, not when you have work in twenty minutes....) and tell him straight what you have found and what you have seen, with the same nonjudgmental tone that you have used here in your post. You seem to be a very understanding person so I think that would come across when speaking to him about this sensitive topic. Usually we are perceived as either deviants or insane losers, so it would probably be reassuring enough to hear someone say the term ABDL without any mocking or disgust. Of course that's not a guarantee that he won't panic over your discovery, but in all fairness, he has reason to worry. These activities seem very close to cheating to me and he owes you an explanation.

    2. ABDL cams could either be for sexual pleasure or could be for emotional pleasure (roleplaying with a person without sexual play - meaning someone pretends to be his mommy and treats him exactly like a child with no sex or romance). Similarly, diaperbook is both a possible friendship site and a possible dating site. In our community, males outnumber females by a drastic percentage, so a 'dating site' for ABDLs is kind of a joke in and of itself. Most of the women there tend to be selling webcam services for a fee - which may be where he ended up in webcam chats in the first place.

    3. I worry about this one the most. My own marriage completely failed for this exact reason, and we have since divorced. My husband absolutely never initiated sex with me and it just had to end. I wish we had ended it sooner when it was clear we were great friends but not lovers. Also, it is possible for ABDLs to only be able to be aroused by diapers and other ABDL activities. Many of us can find pleasure in 'vanilla' sex and making out, but some of us just can't. There have been many stories on these boards of people who struggle with the inability to find pleasure in nonABDL activities. (However, I think it's more often the case that ABDLs find pleasure in both.) So it could be possible that he is one of those people - and he would love to do ABDL activities with you but finds vanilla sex about as appealing as you probably find the idea of wearing diapers. If not, then he is pretty obviously not very 'into you' in that way. So what you have then is a friendship masquerading as romance, which I know first hand all too well. It won't end well, and if it doesn't end you won't be fulfilled. A true romantic relationship will involve mutually pleasurable sexual activity, and that's the end of it. A complete lack of initiating with you is a huge problem, and whatever the reason, things may not work out, and I want you to be aware of that.

    I know though that there must be a lot of history and many things I wouldn't know about. I am just stating what I see to be the big red flag. Also, I would say that webcam chats are a bit dodgy at the very least, if not downright cheating. So your open mind is terrific and beautiful, but I hope that your big heart does not get you trapped in a relationship where you do all the loving and he gives you nothing in return. I hope you are not giving that heart to someone who isn't worthy of it, but you are the judge of that and it's your life.

    So in sum, approach him honestly and calmly at a time when you both have time to talk it out. Be nonjudgmental about the ABDL aspect, as you already seem to be, but it's not cool for anyone with any fetish to have sexy-webcam-time with another person when they're in a committed relationship. So you don't have to put up with that. Remember, the best indicator of how someone will act in the future is how they are acting right now. So if he is cheating right now and ignoring your sexual needs, I would be very hesitant to continue the relationship, even if there was no fetishes involved in any way. While it's true that many ABDLs are too scared to tell their partners about it; that does not automatically give them permission to have some fun on the side. He could have at least attempted to tell you about his true needs and given you a chance.

    Good luck to you; I hope this leads to some kind of new beginning for you, either with him or without him.

  5. #5
    ABDLVISITOR

    Default

    Wow. Thank you for the amazing reply! This is better advice than what I would get from one of my lifelong friends when its mundane problems let alone one as interesting as this haha. I guess I had known on some level that this behaviour was dodgy and red flags (in terms of cheating). To be honest I was hoping the ABDL would be a legit excuse for the wecamming so I had an excuse to forgive him but this has reinforced my more logical thinking deep down that its not unacceptable in any terms. Thank you so much for your excellent and completely neutral perspective, as well as your extremely kind words! My love to you xx

  6. #6

    Default

    I think Frogsy covered it well but just to add a couple of things,

    1. Very carefully. Be prepared for an unpleasant reaction anger, denials, etc. If this happens you should try not to take this personally. It is a hugely sensitive subject, on both sides. 'Dropping the bomb' could cause almost anything to happen and likely what happens next is going to be in the heat of the moment. Be prepared to back-off. Make it clear you need to discuss it but then if things are heated back-off and let the air clear. This might not happen he might take it completely in his stride but better to be prepared. This maybe comes across a little too sympathetic to the boyfriend. I don't intend that to be the case you are also in a difficult position but you seem to be handling it well.


    3. Another possibility here is that your boyfriend is submissive in this area. Very common in the ABDL community, he might not even be aware he's doing it. I would suggest not immediately assuming the worst.
    Again this comes down to communication you need to know if this is the case or if he is getting his 'oats' elsewhere. If this is the case again it isn't necessarily the be all and end all. Together you can investigate why he feels the need to go elsewhere and work out if this is something he could get from your, real relationship. This comes down to you as much as him, as to whether you can be involved in his fetish and if a relationship with you boyfriend necessitates this. The indicators suggest that may be the case.
    Thus far he has been hiding this side of himself from you. There are many good and bad reasons for this but if he has been hiding that might have driven him to find his 'oats' elsewhere. Obviously this is bad but if the relationship is otherwise good you could maybe find a healthier and more open solution.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ABDLVISITOR View Post
    Wow. Thank you for the amazing reply! This is better advice than what I would get from one of my lifelong friends when its mundane problems let alone one as interesting as this haha. I guess I had known on some level that this behaviour was dodgy and red flags (in terms of cheating). To be honest I was hoping the ABDL would be a legit excuse for the wecamming so I had an excuse to forgive him but this has reinforced my more logical thinking deep down that its not unacceptable in any terms. Thank you so much for your excellent and completely neutral perspective, as well as your extremely kind words! My love to you xx
    We are a support community here for each other and others. Please feel free to stick around for continued advice and regardless of your relationship, you're more than welcome to remain a member, give advice and enjoy the fun we have here!

  8. #8

    Default

    I feel that you have to know that AB/DLs are sometimes asexual. He may or may not have sexual desires. Them again diapers and some form of foreplay may be what he uses to become sexually active. You should also take in to consideration that he may have grown up from adolescence with these feelings towards this.

    I wouldn't bring up everything at once. Although you may feel that you need all of the answers that you are seeking, it may become overwhelming emotionally. I can't really offer advice on the webcam stuff, because I don't know exactly what he is watching. It may just be a roleplay session without anything sexual. Unless you've seen these videos, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Assumptions can be misleading, I may be wrong.

    Just take it step by step and ease into his secret world. If you find his diaper stash of he has one, maybe you can leave a note offering a discussion about it.

    Being an AB/DL can make us sensitive emotionally. Deep inside we're always ashamed and things usually stay bottled up. These chats or webcams may just be an emotional escape for him. It's usually easier for us to find these places and know that we are not alone and interact with someone who is or understands him.

    He may be dying inside to tell you, but the hesitation is a big hurdle to leap over. He could simply fear the end of the relationship of he does tell you.

    I don't want to make excuses for what you believe is wrong, but don't jump to conclusions, because it may just be someone role playing without sexual activities. Just remember not to try to get everything out of your chest, it may be too much. Try cracking open a door and let him open it. Don't be afraid if it shuts, it just may take a lot of courage to peak his nose out of the closet.

    I'm sure he does love you, while it may not seem as tall as a mountain issue, it may be for him.

    I wish you both well and hope you two can be better than ever.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MeTaLMaNN1983 View Post
    I feel that you have to know that AB/DLs are sometimes asexual. He may or may not have sexual desires. Them again diapers and some form of foreplay may be what he uses to become sexually active. You should also take in to consideration that he may have grown up from adolescence with these feelings towards this.

    I wouldn't bring up everything at once. Although you may feel that you need all of the answers that you are seeking, it may become overwhelming emotionally. I can't really offer advice on the webcam stuff, because I don't know exactly what he is watching. It may just be a roleplay session without anything sexual. Unless you've seen these videos, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Assumptions can be misleading, I may be wrong.

    Just take it step by step and ease into his secret world. If you find his diaper stash of he has one, maybe you can leave a note offering a discussion about it.

    Being an AB/DL can make us sensitive emotionally. Deep inside we're always ashamed and things usually stay bottled up. These chats or webcams may just be an emotional escape for him. It's usually easier for us to find these places and know that we are not alone and interact with someone who is or understands him.

    He may be dying inside to tell you, but the hesitation is a big hurdle to leap over. He could simply fear the end of the relationship of he does tell you.

    I don't want to make excuses for what you believe is wrong, but don't jump to conclusions, because it may just be someone role playing without sexual activities. Just remember not to try to get everything out of your chest, it may be too much. Try cracking open a door and let him open it. Don't be afraid if it shuts, it just may take a lot of courage to peak his nose out of the closet.

    I'm sure he does love you, while it may not seem as tall as a mountain issue, it may be for him.

    I wish you both well and hope you two can be better than ever.
    Well sead very true.

  10. #10

    Default

    Just to add one more point. For many ABDLs, this is the deepest, darkest secret somebody has in their whole life. That means the initial reaction to discovery could span a whole range of responses, ranging from joy to fear and from rational to wildly irrational.

    I would urge you both to have a couple conversations, not just one, and don't make any rash decisions about changing your relationship after just a single talk. This might take a couple weeks and several long walks or cups of coffee to work through.

    Other than that, what Frogsy said.

Similar Threads

  1. Advice needed please
    By shaunk1991 in forum Incontinence
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 13-Aug-2013, 22:04
  2. Advice Needed
    By LilDoo in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 27-May-2013, 19:45
  3. Advice needed
    By MrMcAwesome in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 27-Jul-2012, 20:57
  4. Advice needed
    By Vaultin in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 31-May-2008, 17:38

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.