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Thread: Long Distance relationship problems

  1. #1

    Exclamation Long Distance relationship problems

    Hello everyone. I'm seeking some advice on my current situation.

    My girlfriend of nearly 3 years and myself have been in a long distance relationship since we began dating. She just started her junior year and she's taken on an extreme amount of work this year. She spent our last summer at college doing lab work and working a job, so she's been away for quite some time. She comes home in increments usually spanning a week or so depending on the time of the year and she was home nearly 4 weeks ago.

    We have a great relationship when we are together (never fight, bicker, argue). We both love each others company so much and her happiness is my number 1 priority. Recently she told me she's confused about what she wants for her future and she not sure what she wants anymore. She feels guilty for not being able to check in with me during the day and she doesn't want to spend her time at college resenting that she can't be with me. She told me that she probably won't make any major decisions for a while, and that she still loves me. I realize I can't make someone love me if they don't, but she still does. I still have a chance to make a difference before anything gets worse. I told her to not worry about me during the day and I told her we can just maybe call each other instead of setting up skype dates like usual. I need to bring the spark back. Her life was terrible before we started dating and I don't want her to go back to that place, especially if she's not thinking clearly because of all the stress. Not to mention she is the most important person in my life. I love her more than anything I'll do anything for her.

    I do plan on making visits (with her permission) at least once a month if it can be helped. Luckily, She SHOULD have a break in October for about 7-10 days, and she'll have a month off for Christmas + some time in January as well, so that works out; we just need to make it to that point.

    So does anyone have some solid advice on making LDR's work? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm confident that we'll be okay, but I'm not going to take any chances if I can help it. Thanks everyone for listening.

  2. #2

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    Me and my fiancee have been long distance for two years (total relationship time now is 10 years). In general we get a visit every 3-4 months. Visits last a week, sometimes 2-3 but not usually. There are a few keys I've learned that I'm happy to pass on. Largely, there are two general goals. The first is to take steps to minimize how much you miss each other. The second is to maximize the time you do actually get to be together.

    As for making yourself miss her less:

    • Keep yourself busy. Seriously, sitting around at home doing nothing in particular leaves you bored. Boredom will make you think of how you wish you could spend your time which will make you think of her. Find ways to fill your time. Go to a park and take a hike. Find a great new book. Go on Coursera and learn how to code. Do things productive and interesting so that your time is filled. You'll find it amazing how much less being apart hurts and how much more quickly it passes.
    • Have a strong support system. For various reasons I don't want to get into my first and second year apart from my fiancee were very different. In my first year I had very little in the way of friends (beyond Facebook friends). This isn't to say I was without friends, but all my friends were from the past and had variously moved on to different things since I knew them. I was extremely lonely. Then some changes happened in my life and now I have a core group of friends who are honestly the best I've ever had. I have people I see in person all the time and although I miss my fiancee, I get plenty of interpersonal interaction- people to laugh with, go out with, and have fun with. This makes a huge difference.


    And as for making your time together better:

    • Skype. Skype skype skype skype skype. With skype I get to see my fiancee basically every day. We do a lot of the same talking that we used to do over the phone, except now we get to see each other. That helps a lot. And you don't even need to be talking. We'll have it on when she's doing homework and I'm playing video games. It helps with the feeling that she's there, even if we're not talking to each other at the moment. To wit, Skype is implied in just about everything following except where for obvious reasons it wouldn't apply.
    • Have dates. This is generally defined as the two of you both doing something independently together and sharing it. Me and my fiancee love to watch YouTube videos together. Generally, one of us starts a video 4-5 seconds ahead and then taps the pause button until we're synchronized (by audio over our speakers). Both of you make the same thing for dinner. Pop in movies and watch them together.
    • Conversation prompts. Come up with things to talk about. You might not always think of things like asking the other their deepest thoughts on something when you're together, but you need to come up with new things to keep getting to know each other better.
    • Don't forget that distance won't keep you from having sex! Sexy talk, skype shows, and sexting is always on the menu. And you can be creative too. Me and my fiancee play strip battleship when we're at work and it's frankly awesome.


    The biggest problem is this: your relationship will stagnate, period. Me and my fiancee we just getting into doing a lot of new things sexually when our separation began. We were starting to think about kids and a house and our future. Unfortunately, when you're apart all these things get put on pause. I told my fiancee that I realized very little headway would be made on these issues during our time apart and said we both needed to accept it. I was largely right.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    Me and my fiancee have been long distance for two years (total relationship time now is 10 years). In general we get a visit every 3-4 months. Visits last a week, sometimes 2-3 but not usually. There are a few keys I've learned that I'm happy to pass on. Largely, there are two general goals. The first is to take steps to minimize how much you miss each other. The second is to maximize the time you do actually get to be together.

    As for making yourself miss her less:

    • Keep yourself busy. Seriously, sitting around at home doing nothing in particular leaves you bored. Boredom will make you think of how you wish you could spend your time which will make you think of her. Find ways to fill your time. Go to a park and take a hike. Find a great new book. Go on Coursera and learn how to code. Do things productive and interesting so that your time is filled. You'll find it amazing how much less being apart hurts and how much more quickly it passes.
    • Have a strong support system. For various reasons I don't want to get into my first and second year apart from my fiancee were very different. In my first year I had very little in the way of friends (beyond Facebook friends). This isn't to say I was without friends, but all my friends were from the past and had variously moved on to different things since I knew them. I was extremely lonely. Then some changes happened in my life and now I have a core group of friends who are honestly the best I've ever had. I have people I see in person all the time and although I miss my fiancee, I get plenty of interpersonal interaction- people to laugh with, go out with, and have fun with. This makes a huge difference.


    And as for making your time together better:

    • Skype. Skype skype skype skype skype. With skype I get to see my fiancee basically every day. We do a lot of the same talking that we used to do over the phone, except now we get to see each other. That helps a lot. And you don't even need to be talking. We'll have it on when she's doing homework and I'm playing video games. It helps with the feeling that she's there, even if we're not talking to each other at the moment. To wit, Skype is implied in just about everything following except where for obvious reasons it wouldn't apply.
    • Have dates. This is generally defined as the two of you both doing something independently together and sharing it. Me and my fiancee love to watch YouTube videos together. Generally, one of us starts a video 4-5 seconds ahead and then taps the pause button until we're synchronized (by audio over our speakers). Both of you make the same thing for dinner. Pop in movies and watch them together.
    • Conversation prompts. Come up with things to talk about. You might not always think of things like asking the other their deepest thoughts on something when you're together, but you need to come up with new things to keep getting to know each other better.
    • Don't forget that distance won't keep you from having sex! Sexy talk, skype shows, and sexting is always on the menu. And you can be creative too. Me and my fiancee play strip battleship when we're at work and it's frankly awesome.


    The biggest problem is this: your relationship will stagnate, period. Me and my fiancee we just getting into doing a lot of new things sexually when our separation began. We were starting to think about kids and a house and our future. Unfortunately, when you're apart all these things get put on pause. I told my fiancee that I realized very little headway would be made on these issues during our time apart and said we both needed to accept it. I was largely right.
    Seriously man, with all my heart, thank you. This was largely what I was looking for.

    I'm hopefully starting school in November, so that will be good for me, and since that's one thing she worries about, it'll be that much better.

    Skype isn't gonna work for a while just because she is literally that busy. Sunday would probably be best. I found that at least hearing each others voice helps. As I said before, if she's not sure what she wants, hopefully utilizing time to the best of our ability while still letting her have fun with friends will be key in solving this issue.

    Thanks again, that really helps out

  4. #4

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    From what it sounds like you have more free time than she does. There are really two important points here- make the most of the time you have, and take it upon yourself to have stuff ready to go.

    Over the last two years I've almost always had more time than my fiancee. I do a lot of Redditing in my free time. I have a folder in my bookmarks bar specifically for stuff to that I dump in anytime I see something and decide I want to show her later. Reddit isn't the only place I get stuff but it's the lion's share. Then when she's on I go through the links and delete them as I send them. I understand that she's busy but still try to get her to carve out some time every day. If 15 minutes to talk to you is the difference between passing and failing an exam the next day, then she probably wouldn't have done too much better even having spent those 15 minutes. What you don't want to do is waste time. Ever have plans to spend a night drinking beer and watching a movie, but you spend 2 hours looking for a movie, fail to find one you like, then screw around on the internet for a while and go to bed without really doing anything? I have those nights all the time. So have something ready to go when you talk, even if it's just talking about how your days were. It's disappointing to wait all day to talk to someone and then when you finally get a little time you don't really have anything to discuss.

    The biggest time sink is the stuff you used to do together or cooperate on that now you need to do alone. I'm the cook and my fiancee likes to clear (seriously, I'm not being sexist when I say that). She tidies up the kitchen, I cook dinner with her being my sous, and she cleans up after. That was time we used to spend together. Living apart, we both have to do the entire thing (not just half) and we're separated for that amount of time as well.


    Not getting too much into detail on how to maintain sexy times via long distance just because this is a PG-13 community. That said, feel free to PM me if you want ideas. Me and my fiancee have tons of things we've done. One piece of general advice: long-distance sex is super-awkward at first. Just push through that because once you get past awkward it's really, really awesome. I can't say it's as good or better than being in-the-flesh (pun intended), but there are a few things we'll definitely miss because being in-person isn't really conducive to them... and going in different rooms with our laptops just feels fake.

    Being apart really rough at first. When we first moved apart we were separated by a 10-hour drive, which was really too much even for a weekend; one of us would spend all of Friday/Sunday driving, and all we'd have would be Saturday. At that point we had trouble being apart for just 3-4 weeks. It was unthinkable. With time things got better. Last year we were visiting would involve a 2-3 leg plane trip. Our longest separation was something like 17 weeks and it was murder; early January until sometime in May. But after one of those, the shorter separations are really, really easy. We just had a 6 week stint apart and it passed like nothing. Of course, the fact it may be our last separation may have had something to do with that.

    Also, while you probably don't want to, you need to consider whether the relationship can make it through long-distance. We moved apart after dating for eight years and living together for four. I don't think at three years we could have done this. We wouldn't have wanted to break up, but we wouldn't have been able to do this separation. Of course, you aren't us so this doesn't mean you can't either. But it's a conversation that you should probably at least have just to make sure you both know each other's feelings- much better than hearing in four months that she just can't do it. When you're long distance, it's very hard to tell if your partner is stewing on something you don't know about.

  5. #5

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    I'm not even going to respond to any of this. AEsahettr took words out of my mouth haha!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Snivy View Post
    I'm not even going to respond to any of this. AEsahettr took words out of my mouth haha!
    lol same but AEsahettr if yo still do the youtube thing you should check out synctube basically a site where you both watch the same youtube video with a built in chat and ability to add more videos. synchtube.6irc.net/

  7. #7

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    OP, AEsahaettr killed it. Seriously, everyone go home. AEsahaettr just won the internet. Okay back on topic, my best friend and I dated online off and on for the better part of 5 years (2 years straight the first time). The first and only time I have seen her in person was when I came down there to be her Dude of Honor for her wedding. It is doable my friend. Do LDRs suck balls? HELL YES THEY DO! But like AE said, its all about making the most out of the time you have with each other. If she doesn't have a lot of time to spend, then you maximize every moment that you get with her.
    -Make a photo collage of you and her and mail it to her.
    -Send her daily texts and emails saying that you love and just wanted to make sure she knew.
    -Send her flowers
    -Set up a date night as often as possible.
    -Make her a video/art/song/poem/etc.
    -My bestie and I used to role play or write a story together.
    My biggest point is, this IS possible but it will be hard and will take some work. Hang in there bro. You always have us for advise.

    Oh and if you need ideas about kinky things to do, you can PM me as well. ;]



    Quote Originally Posted by Crissyfox View Post
    lol same but AEsahettr if yo still do the youtube thing you should check out synctube basically a site where you both watch the same youtube video with a built in chat and ability to add more videos. synchtube.6irc.net/
    That sounds awesome!



    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    One piece of general advice: long-distance sex is super-awkward at first. Just push through that because once you get past awkward it's really, really awesome.
    THANK YOU! It reeeeeally is. Phone sex at first is just as bad.

  8. #8

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    My relationship with my husband was ldr almost two years. We started messaging on a date site in Sept 2012 and started talking by phone November 2012. In February 2013 we started pursuing a relationship. I sent him a birthday card right before Valentines day and he must have liked it because he sent me some great ecards for valentines. Then we got serious about discussing all the details of how our lives might fit together. After about a month of that I told him I loved him. Then we met a month later and he asked me to marry him the day we met. Then it took us another 14 months of ldr before we finally got married and I moved over 800 miles to be with him. We only saw each other a week at Christmas and a week in April 2014 during that time. The main thing that kept our relationship going was phone calls. He called every day. We did do video chat some, but I preferred him to email me pics or talk on the phone. The phone/video sex was not really helpful in my opinion. It never became very satisfying. I mean, no cuddling makes it pretty empty for me. The hardest part was if he said he would call at a certain time and didn't.

    So it can work, but you have to be reliably communicating at least every day or two. If you are only talking on the phone on weekends or once a week, it will probably not work out in my opinion.

  9. #9

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    Just wanna say guys, thanks for all the support! We've toned down our relationship a bit and I noticed last night that things seem to have gotten much better with us; when we called tonight, she confirmed what I was thinking. Our relationship has no end in the foreseeable future So thanks for helping me keep my chin up everyone! What really helped the most was night calling; it gives her time to enjoy school and not worry about me, and then at the end of the night we have a bit to talk about I also am attending an open house at at college in Ohio tomorrow, so that's exciting as well Thanks again everyone!

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by PokeBro92 View Post
    Just wanna say guys, thanks for all the support! We've toned down our relationship a bit and I noticed last night that things seem to have gotten much better with us; when we called tonight, she confirmed what I was thinking. Our relationship has no end in the foreseeable future So thanks for helping me keep my chin up everyone! What really helped the most was night calling; it gives her time to enjoy school and not worry about me, and then at the end of the night we have a bit to talk about I also am attending an open house at at college in Ohio tomorrow, so that's exciting as well Thanks again everyone!
    Thanks for keeping us updated! Good luck to you both and have fun at the open house!

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