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Thread: Trying to find the right time

  1. #1

    Default Trying to find the right time

    Hey all. I may not have brought this up to any of you before, but over the past few years I have come to recognize myself as a bisexual. At first, I thought it was because I was still going through puberty, as I was already such a late bloomer to it. But, I am in my 20s now, and I feel more sure of my orientation.

    As such, I am reaching that point where I can't hide this side of me for much longer amongst my friends and family. Especially my parents.

    I would feel more comfortable with letting my mother know, as she has been willing to listen and accept such things. However, I am afraid of what my father will do. My dad is very tenacious in his ideals, which just so happen to conform to conservative ideals. He says that he is not homophobic, and yet he can not help to voice horrible opinions on homosexuality around me.

    I have tried my best to suggest a new point of view, by asking him what he would do if I turned out to be homosexual, but he would always shut me down and say "you can't expect me to answer that" I'm afraid that means "I won't say because I know you're not gay, so I can save you from my judgement"

    And yet, I know he can be a compassionate man. He stood by me when I altered my area of study, and he has supported me ever since. He enjoys my company and we have great conversations together. At times, I feel like I could tell him anything out of trust...all except this. anyone who has had the trouble of trying to come out, what would you suggest I do in the face of something like this?

  2. #2


    That's a tough one. Unlike ABDL, being homosexual (or bi and dating the same sex) has much broader reach and a much more public aspect to it.

    You can probably keep the information from your parents for some time if you want, but if you eventually want them to be a part of your life along with a same-sex partner, you can't keep it from them forever.

    Now, I don't know your father and you do, so this is my advice but please reflect on whether it's fitting before taking it. I think that you should tell your mother in private. Set up a special time to have a discussion and take her questions. Something like, "Mom, I have something important to talk to you about, do you think we can find a quiet time to talk, just us?" Tell her not only about your identity, but also the concerns you have about your father. She's known him longer than you have, and might know better than you how to approach this.

    Ultimately, I think you should tell him, though, and work through the rough section so that it's not a lot worse later.

  3. #3


    Hey, you know when you do decide to talk to your dad about this, he's probably going to freak out a bit and need some time to process it, but if as you say you have a solid relationship, his love for you will overcome this. Any concerns he may have will be for you not know like are you sure etc.... He's going to naturally want to protect you....and he won't necessarily know why or what from....but he will eventually get it. Love's a pretty powerful bind, hard to break but some things will stretch it to its limits. Have courage, as has already been said, maybe start by talking with your mum. Good luck.

  4. #4


    When is the right time to talk about this, besides that the question is does the the right time exist at all? Hard question.

    As already mentioned you know your parents best. Whereas it has positive as also negative reactions or consequences, if you think it would be best to step away from it, or if it may be better to blurt it all out, be done with it and let them process it in time... then it is the right choice ultimately.

    Actually I had to think twice about the fact if I told my father at all, and come to think of it, I didn't do at all. That's why I had to think about it. The main reason is I guess that I haven't, and still do not, have a intimate connection to him. Despite some other things, which I didn't agree about at all over the years and stepped away from regarding some things he did and furthermore in relationship to his parents... we rarely, if at all, talked about serious things at all. Except school & work related issues, which he just "expected" of me have sexual topics, or especially my orientation always been offtopic. All there was have been kind of bad jokes and the typical "guardian dad" role at first towards my first boyfriend. He never knew that I had a girlfriend.

    In general, I kind of knew it always, but have been also too insecure about myself to acknowledge to myself until my 20's that I do not care about gender, gender roles... or to be specific like individual things about all of them.
    Hence, besides that I'd say my mother has always been somewhat more of a really good friend since my puberty... I haven't talked with her very much about this. However, as far as I remember about anything else, since she was always very open about those things and tolerant towards things she also didn't knew or barely heard of. Although that has just been a minority of things. Ususally I got only the chance to surprise her with this stuff, if I found a study about things, just as that couples with bdsm tendencies is correlated with having a better mental health. Mind you, it has been a rather joking and fact-interested based conversation. I don't know about her, and she doesn't know about my sex life directly of course. But I always felt secure talking with her about those things, I'd say primarily due to her profession as a psychologist, so I also had a way of approaching those subjects easily with asking how things are documented or explained from this perspective. Funnily I'd say I got my facts a bit "dry" or clinical due to this, especially in my childhood. Although it was my fault too probably, since I must've been annyoing her with "where do babies come from?" at a very young age.
    I'm going offtopic I suppose, so what I mean is of course that I told her, kind of late however. But I've always spoken with her also about things related to this, so I think she suspected it... and in the end hasn't been very much surprised that I've been together with a girl she knew, when I told her.

    What I'm getting to is... if your mother is very accepting in general and is listening to you, besides if you've perhaps talked about those kinda things already, then I see nothing wrong about letting her know. She may surely want to know about her son and things he's going through, if you're having a good mother-son relationship or friendship to one another.
    And furthermore regarding your father, I wonder how is she handling him, or does she agree about his conservative ideals? I suppose you could eitherway talk to her about not letting your father know, or perhaps about trying to approach that subject sensitively a bit. With the purpose for you to know how your father may think about it really if it's you, without actually revealing yourself. And so giving you more time and details about what to say to him, if at all.

    Anyway, I'll keep my fingers crossed, best of luck!
    Last edited by daLira; 15-Sep-2014 at 16:18. Reason: misspellings

  5. #5


    Hi! First of all, I think sharing your sexual identity is a lot like telling others you're an AB/DL, as someone here has said you've got to own it to sell it. In other words, know what you are. Human sexuality is on a continuum, from being 100% straight to 100% homosexual. Most people fall somewhere between those two. To be truly bisexual, you must be attracted to both males and females. You might be more inclined to one or the other, but the stronger your preference is for one gender, the closer you are to either 100% straight or 100% gay. In reality, only those who find themselves attracted to both genders, or can be attracted to either gender are bi-sexual and can choose which they want to relate to in a long-term relationship.

    I mention this because you need to know if you're truly bi-sexual, or if you are gay and use the term bisexual because you still haven't come to terms with being gay. If you haven't come to terms with it, you will have a difficult time "selling" it to your parents. It is okay if you are questioning your sexual identity. That is normal for someone in your situation. But if you do talk to your parents, or even just your mom, you need to be fully honest with them. If you think you're bi-sexual, they will want to know what this means for you. Most parents want their children to be straight, partially to give them grandchildren, but also because living as a gay person can still be a tough road, depending in part on where you live. It is getting better and that is rapidly changing, but for people in your parents' generation, they've seen a much different societal viewpoint. But if you are really closer to 100% gay but say you're into both guys and girls they will probably hope the next one you bring home is a girl.

    So take your time. It's the right time when you are confident enough in your sexual identity to own it and be proud of who you are. If your mom or both parents can be supportive equally of either choice you make for a longterm relationship, they might be good support for you as you continue exploring who you are. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide.

  6. #6


    Being bi puts you in two worlds. I think you need to know more about yourself before you reveal this to your parents. The exception to this is if you need support from your mom, or her advise. For what it's worth, I lived an exclusively gay life when I was in college, but married the woman who became the mother of our children several years later. This happened when I was 24 years old. We may not change in our sexuality, but we do change in the manyways we see ourselves. If you haven't had a sexual relationship with another male, I think you should experience that before you make a judgement. Life is meant to be experienced.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Being bi puts you in two worlds. I think you need to know more about yourself before you reveal this to your parents. The exception to this is if you need support from your mom, or her advise. For what it's worth, I lived an exclusively gay life when I was in college, but married the woman who became the mother of our children several years later. This happened when I was 24 years old. We may not change in our sexuality, but we do change in the manyways we see ourselves. If you haven't had a sexual relationship with another male, I think you should experience that before you make a judgement. Life is meant to be experienced.
    That is a fair point. But at the same time I am actually still very much a virgin in the ways of relationships with women, and I have no current intention of rectifying that. But that's for another time.

    Also, thank you all for your responses. It has helped me to start considering how to approach this problem. And, as many of you have said, I should really take my time to sit down and think this out.

  8. #8


    Ok I know people on here have told you stuff and all have great points because you do need to think things through clearly before saying anything to anyone and like dogboy said if you havn't experienced a relationship with another male then that is an experience you might wanna consider having before you make a judgement.

    And I can also say that I really kinda understand your situation because that's actually the situation I was and still kinda am in.Because my dad sounds pretty similar to how you described yours and it really worries me to tell him too because I myself havn't told him that I'm gay but I have told my mom and though I thought it out of character for her she just accepted it as if she already knew and she supports me.And from how you spoke it sounds as if your mom would be the more accepting of your parents as well so when the time comes you decide to tell them you could tell your mom in private and then you'd have her support when you decided to tell your dad that way it isn't coming as a shock to both at once and your mom can help your dad come to terms and understand that your the same you as always and the only difference is that now he knows you better than he did before.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by SillySwampert View Post anyone who has had the trouble of trying to come out, what would you suggest I do in the face of something like this?
    If I remember correctly, I came out to my parents when I was 20, and I basically had it planned out from start to finish, with a bunch of back-up plans in case things went bad or whatever. Your situation actually sounds pretty similar to what mine was. I grew up in a very conservative household, where both my parents basically lived off of Fox News, and any time something about gay marriage would come on, I would have to leave the room. They are also Catholic, which didn't help, not to mention that my mom grew up in Kentucky, and my dad in Alabama. They didn't come from real gay-friendly backgrounds. So I took things very slow and planned it all out with the help of my psychologist.

    When I actually did it, it definitely could have gone better, but not because I did anything wrong or could have done anything different or better. Just be ready for that. I went to dinner with my mom at a nice restaurant, because I was home from school, and we had a nice time. Then afterwards, I asked if we could go to a local park to talk. To make a long story short, we did, and I told her I was gay. She took it sort of well, considering, but she said some things which still hurt even now, because I know she still believes them. First off, she started to tear up, eventually crying, which hurt really bad. To her benefit, she didn't ask if I was sure or tell me there was a way to change. What she did do though was tell me that it was okay to be gay, just not to act on those feelings, which is probably part of the reason why I still have issues when it comes to dating and sex now. She also told me she wished I wasn't gay, because my life was going to be more difficult, but only the first part of that really registered. You just don't tell your kids that.

    We also talked about how we could tell my dad. He's not very good with change, and to give you an idea of the ideals he comes from, he about lost it when I started seeing a psychologist, because he considered them frauds and just for crazy people. But anyways, the important thing in my mind was that he did have to be told soon, preferably that night. The reasoning on that is that I didn't want to start any trouble between him and my mom because he would probably get angry about her "keeping this from him." Also, telling them both in the same night would just get it over with, finally. I did plan for the worst though; I packed my car back up for the drive back to school in case I felt threatened or just wanted out.

    Here's how my conversation with him went. "Dad, can you pause the TV?"
    "I need to talk about something."
    "I'm gay."
    "You're gay?"
    "Are you sure?"

    Verbally, that went pretty smoothly, but he did not have a happy look on his face. Also, it didn't help that my mom laughed a bit when he asked if I was sure, because I told her he would ask that very question. He doesn't like to be laughed at, so I left pretty quickly after that, and drove back to school. I didn't really talk to either of them for awhile after that, but my mom called like three weeks later and said that they just hadn't really talked about it much, and that's how it still is mostly.

    Since you're bisexual, there is something else you should be ready for, though I can't say for certain whether it'll get brought up. For whatever reason, a lot of people assume that bisexuals can just choose to like and pursue only one gender, at no psychological detriment to themselves. So just be ready for someone to ask you or to just expect you to confine yourself to heterosexual relationships. Also, a lot of people will also try to tell you that you're actually just gay, and haven't come to terms with it yet. You are you though, and you know better than they do who you are and who you like. Try not to let them get you down.

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