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Thread: I Was Abused As a Child; Coming To Terms And Coping

  1. #1

    Default I Was Abused As a Child; Coming To Terms And Coping

    As the title says, I was sexually abused as a child by a caretaker; the abuse took place in the bath tub and involved fondling. I've never come out in the open with this, and I hope that my recounting my experience, I can help another in his/her own search for acceptance and self-love.

    The abuse never left any sort of lasting psychological imprint, but was probably the catalyst towards my own AB/DL/BDSM fetishes growing up.

    Looking back, if I could find my abuser, I would probably end up doing something I would very much regret...

    If nothing else, it led to my fascination with diapers/age play, and contributed to my own attempts at repression and trying to "fix" myself.

    I came to see myself as broken and a "freak," I was always wondering why it was that I could never get aroused by traditional pornography, I even pondered that I might be a homosexual (that turned out to be true, and I have been with the most loving man on the planet for about 1.5 years).

    Although the abuse didn't scar me in any "visible," obvious manner, it did leave me with a fetish that I many times wished I could be rid of; I have cried to my boyfriend over it, and he agrees that I have been harmed by the abuse.

    I have since gained a greater love for myself and a greater acceptance toward diversity and liberalism. Though it did harm me, I believe it also made me a stronger, freer, more open individual; if only in that it allowed me to come to a place of self-acceptance and self-love, and allowed me to reach a point where I saw my own demons and knew that I wasn't the only one fighting.

    I hope this helps somebody come to terms with their own demons. And let me tell you. IT GETS BETTER. Time truly does heal all wounds.

    P.S. If anybody reading this could provide some input/reassurance, feedback, etc, it would be greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by Crinklesaurus; 25-Aug-2014 at 19:06.

  2. #2

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    Well for some yes for years i felt dirty in side mine was in teen years keeping it in side for years never to tell a soul.
    The school years hell being put into pampers at 6 started the AB part .
    But the abuse cemented it to the point normal intercourse is a turn off and has been.
    So I go to the one happy time in life my little years
    I baby my self to cope.
    The rejections still hurt lots so miss understood .
    I'm safe with my ab stuff no one to hurt me but no one to love me also no hugs cuddles.
    When I look at old school photos I can see when the light went out .
    I still look that way very few smiles.
    Hugs fellow one coping with past hurts.

  3. #3

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    Being guilted or otherwise shamed into repressing your sexuality (including fetishes) is an abhorrent act, one that I could personally never forgive.

    For me, unfortunately, religion played a role in my repression, as I didn't want to "sin" against God. I would cry whenever I engaged in self-gratification, and I saw pornography and sexuality as taboo, abhorrent, and works of the Devil.

    The abuse ignited the fetish, but religion gave it its sting...

  4. #4

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    Hi SonicZelda. Thank you so much for sharing. Reading what you wrote, it must have been incredibly difficult for you. I find it hard to imagine what it's like to go through abuse and all things that must have gone through your head over the years. Although I don't really know you, reading that you've reached a place in your life where you can reflect back on these things and draw strength from them makes me really happy.



    Quote Originally Posted by SonicZelda View Post
    Being guilted or otherwise shamed into repressing your sexuality (including fetishes) is an abhorrent act, one that I could personally never forgive.

    For me, unfortunately, religion played a role in my repression, as I didn't want to "sin" against God. I would cry whenever I engaged in self-gratification, and I saw pornography and sexuality as taboo, abhorrent, and works of the Devil.

    The abuse ignited the fetish, but religion gave it its sting...
    I have never fully understood the ascetic aspect of Christianity. Yes, priests are required to be abstinent in the Catholic tradition, but outside of that one role, people of all Christian denominations are encouraged to marry, have relations, and have children. Outside of that narrow sphere, the bible does not mention diapers nor suggest that happiness is a sin. There are enough Christians on this site with some devout faith to convince me that there is nothing inherent in the gospel against the wearing and use of diapers. I just don't understand why some individuals within certain communities use religion as an excuse to control people so tightly.

  5. #5

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    I wonder if child abuse causes regression? I was physically abused by my cousins between the age of 6 - 8, and sexually abused when I was 11-12 by an older friend. It's funny, but I don't feel any animosity toward any of them. I just remember the pain of being beat up, and the confusion of sex before I was ready for it.

    I always felt that my being AB/DL was caused by something that happened much earlier in my life. I knew that I liked diapers when I was four, and by the age of 6 I was acting upon it. Cause and affect is always tricky especially were liking diapers is concerned.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    Hi SonicZelda. Thank you so much for sharing. Reading what you wrote, it must have been incredibly difficult for you. I find it hard to imagine what it's like to go through abuse and all things that must have gone through your head over the years. Although I don't really know you, reading that you've reached a place in your life where you can reflect back on these things and draw strength from them makes me really happy.

    I have never fully understood the ascetic aspect of Christianity. Yes, priests are required to be abstinent in the Catholic tradition, but outside of that one role, people of all Christian denominations are encouraged to marry, have relations, and have children. Outside of that narrow sphere, the bible does not mention diapers nor suggest that happiness is a sin. There are enough Christians on this site with some devout faith to convince me that there is nothing inherent in the gospel against the wearing and use of diapers. I just don't understand why some individuals within certain communities use religion as an excuse to control people so tightly.
    The thing with me is that my ABDL side is not something I just go into to relax or unwind; for me my ABDL side is sexualized...

    Is that frowned upon by the community? I certainly do not want to be an outcast...

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by SonicZelda View Post
    The thing with me is that my ABDL side is not something I just go into to relax or unwind; for me my ABDL side is sexualized...

    Is that frowned upon by the community? I certainly do not want to be an outcast...
    If I may... (and also another survivor) ...no, you won't be outcast for that...you do have to mind how you express it (PG-13)... I don't know how many AB's are sexual... as I understand it, almost none while regressed, or in their 'little state'...DL, is pretty much sexual fetish of/with diapers... though not all... be respectful of the differences for each... and keep the explicitness within the guidelines ... you should be alright...

    We're pretty flexible here when we can see that you have better intentions, or significant needs... Thank you for asking, I hoped I've answered you well...

    Take care,
    -Marka

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by SonicZelda View Post
    The thing with me is that my ABDL side is not something I just go into to relax or unwind; for me my ABDL side is sexualized...

    Is that frowned upon by the community? I certainly do not want to be an outcast...
    What Marka said. We focus on being a support site, but that means support for everyone who needs it, whether it's a sexual issue for you or an issue of comfort, safety or any combination of emotions and feelings. Also as already said, we do have the pg-13 rule, but there's also a place for more mature topics, so if you feel the need to discuss your feelings, including the sexual ones in a tactful way, and are willing to approach it in a mature manner (always ironic, given the subject matter), you can have all sorts of discussions here.

  9. #9

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    I am so sorry that you experienced this, especially at the hands of someone who was charged with caring for you. I am a rape survivor and I developed BDSM fetishes afterwards and I think that was related. I don't do the ABDL thing (I have incontinence) but the BDSM thing was a big part of my life for awhile. I don't understand *why* so many survivors seek out experiences to re-enact their assaults/abuse but it seems to be a very common thing. I am happy that you have experienced at least some healing and have used the pain you experienced to be more compassionate and sensitive with others.



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    I have never fully understood the ascetic aspect of Christianity. Yes, priests are required to be abstinent in the Catholic tradition, but outside of that one role, people of all Christian denominations are encouraged to marry, have relations, and have children. Outside of that narrow sphere, the bible does not mention diapers nor suggest that happiness is a sin. There are enough Christians on this site with some devout faith to convince me that there is nothing inherent in the gospel against the wearing and use of diapers. I just don't understand why some individuals within certain communities use religion as an excuse to control people so tightly.
    As a Christian, the way I see it is...

    Sexuality is like fire.

    Fire is beautiful. Who can resist a campfire? It inspires people to roast marshmallows, sing happy songs, it brings people together. Candles are lit on a birthday cake and blown out... a happy moment to mark another year. Fire is what we use to cook our food... the hearth has always been a symbol of family life and hospitality.

    However, fire untamed will burn your house down.... it will burn the body to the point where all that's left is a charred skeleton. Arsonists use fire to destroy peoples' property and hurt others. If a fire is uncontrolled, you end up with a life threatening crisis.

    Fire belongs in fire circles, fire pits, stoves, ovens, hearths. Care must be taken to keep it from spreading elsewhere.

    As a Catholic, I see sexuality as akin to fire. It's a beautiful, wonderful thing. It's a source of physical pleasure that is designed to build intimacy with another person. This intimacy is part of the unitive purpose of human sexuality. The other purpose of human sexuality is procreation. Sexuality in the right context is conducive to building families. It feels good, because God created us and afterwards, he said "It is good."

    My faith causes me to see chastity as something that is to be strived for because God is my father. And like all good parents, sometimes He says no to things that aren't good for me. He doesn't say "no" to make me feel guilty, or to cause me to feel pain, but because using creation according to His purposes will ultimately give me inner peace in this life and the next. Have I screwed up many, many times? Definitely. But like a good parent, God picks us up when we fall, kisses our wounds, and gives us the strength to move on. Chastity can seem like an unfair burden if we see ourselves as unworthy sinners at the hands of an angry god, but in the context of a loving, joyful relationship with a just & merciful God based on love and forgiveness, it can actually be a life affirming thing...at least it has been for me.

    I'm not here to tell you what to do, merely demonstrating that the virtue of chastity and "repression" are not the same things. Not *trying* to be preachy, but just giving my $0.02 as a Secular Dominican (aka Order of Preachers so you can tell it's challenging for me not to be preachy )

  10. #10

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    I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through SonicZelda, I also was sexually abused as a child when I was 7 or 8, it hasn't affected me I don't think. Iv never told anyone other then my wife until now, Iv struggled with the confusing thoughts for years whether I should of said something or I still should now. You are not fighting alone. ADISC is a great support community with alot of very compassionate helpful people here.

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    Quote Originally Posted by foxkits View Post
    When I look at old school photos I can see when the light went out .
    I still look that way very few smiles.
    It really hurt to read this because I relate to it so much.
    My mother actually told me she could see when the "sparkle" left my eyes when she was looking back at pictures, from physical and psychological abuse from my step father from age 8-17 when I eventually left my house. I to still have that blank stare with very little emotion.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I wonder if child abuse causes regression?
    I think that for some child abuse or some form of trauma can cause it, I remember first regressing and wanting diapers when I was 3 or 4. I actually remember asking my babysitter for diapers and playing with baby toys rather then the ones for my age at the time. I was left at my babysitters daily and sometimes overnight a lot from when I came home from the hospital to after I was 4, I know this because I remember most of it, being upset not understanding why. My mother also told me she wasn't really in my life a lot until after I was 4 because she was a single mother and had to work a lot. Im about 100% certain that this is why I find regression and diapers comforting.

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