So i am in a steaming pile of hot mess. I have always had troubles sleeping, i would be lucky if i lay motionless in bed for half an hour before i fall asleep, i have been laying in bed for a total of 5 hours, trying to go to sleep, not never being able to.
But here is where my problems start, I always try to find a way to stay awake, looking for a new show to keep me hooked over the night, trying to adjust myself to the american timezone, because well, most of my friends live in america even though i am far up north in Iceland. But i often am woken up around the same time in the afternoon since my parents don't want me to sleep that long. But then i get tired, i am groggy when i wake up but sometimes that just lasts the morning and then that is done.
I must admit, i stay awake over a whole night way to often, i try to pry myself awake because i don't want to lay there for hours at a time, only to wait for an empty blackness that takes the night away. I extremely rarely dream, the last time was when i was 12, and that nightmare is something i don't want to talk about.
So i try to stay up as long as i can, but if i go too late to sleep then my parents might start to think that i stay up all night, and then there is the option for them to unplug the internet at night. This might be a good idea... but... Then i have no choice but to lay there, hours on end and hope that i fall asleep anytime soon and don't just lay in the bed for nothing.
So i have had the house for me and me alone for the past week because my parents were out of town for the week. So that gave me a free time to wake and sleep whenever i want, but, i still have to without a social life, my friends tell me 'oh, that is nothing new that your are tired, come on' but when i am tired, i have a really really short fuse and an become hostile just because of something trivial, and then i can start being mean without the ability to think clearly and that just makes them hate me.
But we all know what can come with sleep deprivation; Paranoia, hallucinations, even can lead to death if prolonged more then 3 days. Which has yet to come, i just went for a walk to get myself some dinner (Burger at a local shop), the paranoia was killing me, i had to look behind myself and around for anyone that might be following me for whatever reason, and the funniest is, i have no reason to think that. Sure, some people hate me, but none at that level, no one has any reason to kidnap me because... well... my parents aren't poor but they aren't the richest either so they have no point in it, still i have to look over my shoulder every two seconds just to make sure or this... this feeling inside me head starts to kill me.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when i just turned 16, i hate crowds, noices, unknown people, or just anything that is out of my control. I have a vivid imagination so that whatever paranoia pops up in my head, i automatically think out 20 scenarios of what and how that might happen, only to worsen it.
Also with other people, i have little to no boundries... mostly because they are unknown to me, they are supposed to be common knowledge but how the hell would i know something if i have never heard it or anyone has told me? Yet people expect me to.
To put it a bit symbolical, but it like this, you are standing on a field and you can only walk either straight forward or diagonally, you have to keep moving forward at all costs, no straight horizontal turns or turning back. Now you know that there is a line somewhere in front of you, but that line is irregular, it is not a straight line, sometimes it goes outwards and near you and sometimes it takes a dive inward and thus making you have to walk closer to it in order to find it. But on the other side of that line, is a minefield, if you step across that line you are in constant danger of blowing up. And you have to either step right across that line or near it or else just keep your mouth shut and don't talk to anyone ever so you won't insult anyone ever. But if you cross some line you didn't even know you were there and people explode in your face, then it is suddenly your fault that the line was buried under 2 meters of dirt and gravel without anyone even hinting that the line was there.
Sure, others can educate you and show you some spots of those lines, but then again when you get to tired, it is like trying to find it in a snow storm, there is little to no visabillity and there has blown some snow over the lines you have discovered, making them a lot harder to see.
I know a lot of people don't have a clue where i am going with this, so let me keep it simple, you don't know how to act and when to act, and if you decide to do, people might blow up in your face.
When i am tired i kinda lose the control to think over what i want, my brain goes to think about how all these people hate you and how even your best friend that has always stood up for you and has never, ever in the decade and a half you have known him, and makes you start to think how he hates you, how he has always get enough of you and the really hates how he always has to stand up for you, and how he never visits you because he hates you and the the obvious reason that he works 13 hour shifts as well as having loads of other friends and also being a black belt in Karate.
Then there are the friends that you really hate and they kinda hate you back but you still hang together. I really have 2 best friends, i am apart of 2 friend groups, both hating eachother. So in the smaller group, there is this kid that is 2 years older then me and was really there for me sometimes i was bullied at school, but one of his best friends is an obnoxious asshole that does whatever he wants. Kinda like me, now that friend and obnoxious asshole are always together, and that asshole is always putting you down, always calling you extremely stupid because you failed 10th grade do to stress and bullying so i was stuck in self loathing instead of actually studying, and he calls you stupid for that reason, every time. Always when anything happens, if he loses something or something bad happens, he always yells at you, even with 20 people in the room, he yells at you, most of the time you just shifted your seat because your ass is hurting and he starts yelling at you to be careful and not do something that he claims that i have done.
This kind of self rightious assholes are the worst, they are always right, even if you have documented evedance from 3 different people and 20 different websites excluding wikis, and when he see that you are right he gets mad at you because his knowledge wasn't up to date.
I have just simply gotten enough of it, i have long dreamed of when i move away, i am going to move to a deserted cabin somewhere in the wilds if iceland far from anything and anyone.
There was such a man, he moved up to the country site because he had gotten enough of people, he lived alone and hadn't seen anyone in over 20 years until the media got hold of him. By this time, he could barely talk, he could make some audible noises that resembles words but understanding him was impossible, if you want to check it out his name was Gísli á Uppsölum.
I just need some help guys, the logical thing would be to go see a professional but that is neither easy to keep private from the folks you live with nor is it cheap. I have never really held a job, mostly because i have never applied for a job, most jobs are noisy and have strangers to deal with, not something i am very fond of. So i would have to ask for funding from my parents, seeing that i am an adult they break out the usual excuse, 'You are an adult so you fund it yourself.'
Though there is a high chance they will fund it for me because this is my mental health we are talking about, not some thing i wanted to buy. But my mom is probably even more paranoid that i am, always when anything happens, she starts asking so many god damn questions. Even if i have been with my friends for several days in a row and then they have to go to work and i am home all day, she starts to ask questions about why i am not with them and immedietely jumps to the conclusion that something came up between us and starts asking me what happened, when the truth is that work happened.
My mom has always taken things way too far, and by taking things way to far she makes me what i want to be the least of all. Trouble, i don't want to be trouble to anyone,and i don't want any trouble to myself. If i would go ask my mom for money to go see a shrink she would ask me why and how and when and why over and over again, not stopping until i tell her ever little secret of mine when, oh! more trouble, she really does make a mountain out of a ant hill, she would force me to go see a shrink telling me it is all confidential but then start asking questions about what we talked about in there because 'she is my mother and has the right to know'.
It is just all so very very tiring and i have been rambling on way longer then i expected, i just want a way out, just some way to end it that does not involve notifying my parents of tying a noose around my neck. The latter sounding more appealing then the first sadly...
I fear that many people will just close this post when they see the length of it, and those who just skim over it and then comment "Hang in there!" which is not really helping, actually just making things worse.
Please... just if there is anyone out there who cares about my problems, please help me, god knows i need it
Ps: I am not a religious person so telling me i will be in their prayers or telling me to pray to god about it, i am afraid it will fall unto deaf ears