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Thread: I just can't help but think I've been dealt a bad hand

  1. #1

    Default I just can't help but think I've been dealt a bad hand

    I'd like to say sorry in advance, I just need to vent.

    Ok, so I've never been one of those people who believes in good luck or bad luck. Until now. I'm starting to believe that if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. I've been asking myself "Have I been dealt a bad hand?" a lot lately. I wake up every day with good expectations and positive thoughts, only to step in a pile of shit soon after.

    First off, my near blindness (2-3% vision in right eye, zero in left) makes it difficult to do the things I want to because I can't drive, which means I have to find a ride to go anywhere and that means it has to be on "their" schedule. It makes me feel like I'm a burden to them. Getting around in public is also quite challenging without help. People stare and some even laugh at me like I'm some kind of freak. You'd think that after 23 years, that part wouldn't bother me anymore but it does.

    There is also my very bad anxiety and depression which is a constant battle every day. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach all the time and a lot of times I have a burning, empty feeling in my chest and I can feel my heart pounding most of the time.

    Then, there's my headaches. I have had a 24/7 migraine headache for six months straight with no letup. Along with the throbbing, there is daily mild-to-moderate nausea and photosensitivity which feels like I'm being stabbed in the eye. I'm taking a medication for it but it only takes the edge off. The doctors don't know what it is yet but I think it's New Daily Persistent Headache Syndrome which if it is, there is no cure. Their advice? "Learn to live with it."

    I still live at home with the folks because I can't afford to move out and have nowhere to go anyway. I'm lucky if I make $200 a month. I'm also very lonely and long for companionship but I've never had a girlfriend because of my social anxiety and more importantly because doctors have yet to find a solution for my E.D. and I'm ashamed of that. And I'm also weird because I'm AB/DL.

    My father complains that he's tired of hearing about my problems and that he's tired of babysitting me and that I should just quit. This makes my shyness/social anxiety even worse because I feel like I can't talk to anybody. I don't know if he quit caring or just doesn't believe me. It's not my fault. I didn't choose to have these problems, and yet I'm being guilt-tripped?

    All of this makes it hard to carry on. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel inadequate and like I'm less than a man. I don't how much more of this I can take. Why does all this shit have to happen? Can't something actually go right for a change?

    I just feel all alone and need someone to talk to.

  2. #2



    Firstly vent away, sometimes getting things off your chest can be cathartic.

    Your situation sounds just awful, really awful. Your description of depression is so like what I went through a few years ago. Depression and anxiety just sucks the colour and fun out of everything. Even food tasted different. I feel for you, I really do and I am fully sighted with good family support.

    What help have you had for your depression and anxiety? I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to be really helpful. You might find the following site helpful - Mood Gym:

    Feel free to send me a PM and we can talk.


  3. #3


    Hugs, while Im not in the same exact predicament, Ive found myself relating to much of your story, it sucks. Ive got one dead eye, one alive haven't driven in over a year and a half and rely on help for everything, and Im very alone except for my dogs. Ive lost my career and have no idea what the future may bring, I have undiagnosed PTSD and freak out sometimes just in a grocery store or a family gathering. On top of all this Im an AB and I now wet in my sleep pretty much 75% of the time. I also live on an acre 8 miles from town, and its friggin hot as hell so I can't really get out and walk very often.

    Your dad is being an ass, don't listen to him, he probably has his own issues, no one has the right to say that kind of crap to you, your not less than a man, but I totally get the feeling, I went from 35 to feeling like I was 15 or younger, and had to fight being put in a home for mental defects. E.D. sucks I have a bit of it, use to be able to get an erection by just thinking about sex, now I need porn usually and my desire has dropped, plus I still have never chosen if I like women or men better, and Ive had gay relationships and most of my close family is chistians who think gays all go to hell.

    I have no idea what the future will bring, I have some good lawsuits in progress, I have less debt than I did, but not sure how I will make a living, fighting for disability rights at the moment, but they keep saying that although I can't work the same career I could get a "job" I worked 20 years to get where I was in my career, I never wanted just a damn job, Im afraid I will get stuck in a dead end job and eventually take my life after my mother dies, I can't kill myself because it would hurt others to much but a big part of me still wishes I had never survived.

    All my old lovers have moved on, either found someone else or just didn't want anything to do with me, people I thought cared about me didn't give a damn that my life pretty much ended, that I was dead for a little while.

    And I deal with a broken brain, things that use to be simple are harder, I stutter and stammer when trying to talk when Im emotional, sometimes I forget what I was saying mid sentence or if Im interrupted, my emotions are hard to control and I freak out sometimes, make a fool out of myself and have had cops called and show up at my door threatening to lock me up under the crazy person clause.

    Im a bit nervous because in a few weeks the workers comp ends, I get a little more money and then I have to fend for myself, and I still can't even drive because Im waiting on new eye wear, and have to take yet another driving exam at the DMV. I use to belong to a labor union, they really can't work me anymore unless empoyers ask for me and are willing to deal with someone who has mental and physical disabilities, Im not even sure how long I could work, I use to work very long days, now I get tired after 6 hours at a rehab center.

    Im always in some pain, they won't give me any pain pills, I cope, I wear an eye patch or the dead eye gives me a headache, I can still see maybe 5% out of the dead eye, I see paisley images in the darkness of that eye and it can make me sick if I focus on that eye, I wish it was gone, but had visions of them fixing it when I was in a coma or delirious, I was quite delirious in the hospital, thought I had been on a plane in the late 1940's working a film crew for army propaganda and the plane crashed, I still have some vivid memories of the crash and how I felt, the smell of army issue cigarettes and cheap scotch, the hospital actually had me down as being in the Army, had to pass a sanity evaluation to be allowed to go home, suffered in the hospital was held down by my broken arm as I screamed in pain by some bad security guards, when I complained about that the doctor didn't believe me I yelled I want my lawyer and the same guards were sent to strap me down to a bed while a big nurse injected me with sedatives.

    I could go one and on about my hell. I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone in your tribulations, or the only one with a crappy hand, best bet is to bluff your ass off.

  4. #4



    Sorry to hear about your troubles - life's a bitch at times... trust me, I can tell a few shit stories...
    embrace the suck mate, you'll get through this - just one thing: NEVER GIVE UP... don't let society and the rest beat you down... or if they manage, get up.
    Keep fightin'... at some point you'll look back and it will have been totally worth it.

    Now for some practical aspects:
    near blindness - with 2-3% on one eye / 0 on the other I guess you are actually entitled to some form of financial support from the state?
    If you have not filed for this already, try to get it...
    Whilst I usually don't recommend this route - I think in your case it's a 100% valid option and would make you, at least financially a bit more independent.

    Then there's dogs.
    What? Dogs? - yes. dogs.
    Those animals are not only amazing companions - they are, if trained accordingly also amazingly supportive in your everyday situations.
    Get some info in "seeing-eye-dogs" (guide dogs)...
    One of my relatives has one as she's basically blind (I don't know to what degree - but in practical terms she can't really get around without help outside of her known area)... It's one of the german shepherd breeds and she's (its a female dog) one cool dog.
    The dog can help you to become more independent - get you out there and not to mention be an amazing companion.
    I love dogs...
    It will require some work on your behalf - you'd need to learn how to interact and react with the dog and learn to trust the dog.
    but I guess it would be highly rewarding.

    Then if you have not done so already, try to see if there are any support groups in your area - it helped me quite a bit back when I was struggling as an older teen/young adult with my IC issues... sometimes its good to see and meet people who have similar problems and learn how they have mastered living with them.

    I'm not blind - so of course I lack the direct relation to your problems - but with disabilities and such stuff it's always a bit similar in terms of learning how to cope, learning how to build life AROUND it in a way that the disability doesn't present too many issues...

    Now to the rest:
    E.D. no need to be ashamed - there's a LOT of people out there in all age groups...
    And aside from using your penis there are a LOT of other options to both give and receive sexual pleasure... be creative... There's a lot of infos out there...

    being ashamed and less of a man?
    Fuck that,... sorry.
    Honestly mate? you live with near blindness, throbbing migraines, E.D., a nagging father etc... and you have not given up... you're still walking!
    It takes a real man to do this. So don't let society fool you here - you're probably more of a man than a good few others!
    Don't let the stigma attached to some stuff pull you down - ignore it... it's just social low-life crap that isn't worth your time.

    And never give up looking for solutions...

    And my no1. advice: try to live a healthy life... work out, eat good food, don't drink crap like coke & co....
    Trust me on this one - this is NOT a magic cure or so - but it can work "wonders" on improving your overall health, your outlook and your self-esteem.

  5. #5


    Hey gnd,

    I'm so sorry to hear all about your troubles. Please vent as much as you want. We're all here to support you. I dearly hope that things get better for you and you find the support that you need to have some happiness in life.

    I've got a couple things I want to suggest. First, read EP01's post. There's some good stuff in there. The dog in particular is just incredible if you can get one. The training isn't just about guidance, they're also incredibly friendly, obedient, thoughtful animals taught by some of the best trainers in the world. I had a teacher who was not blind, but her dog was a retired seeing-eye dog and he was just one of the most amazing animals I've ever met.

    Second, never ever feel ashamed of being a burden on people. Even if your Dad is guilt-tripping you or other stupidity, what you need to understand is the importance of your own perspective to the world. You've got a voice, you've got beliefs, you've got a unique way of seeing things. Because you've suffered, you can understand other people and the troubles that they go through. We always want to hear what you have to say here on Adisc, and I guarantee you that there are people in your real world life that care about you and would miss you dearly if you weren't around.

    Actually, as a suggestion for the future, you might even consider writing a book, or perhaps recording your thoughts on tape or via a journal and compiling them later. As a person who suffers from many different problems and has a lot of experience navigating family challenges and the healthcare system, I think you potentially offer an incredibly helpful perspective that could make a difference for lots of people you've never even met, but who get sick in the future.

  6. #6


    Gnd567, I am so sorry to hear how things have been going for you. Any one of the problems you described would be a hardship for any of us. The fact that you have so many combined would make it a daunting task to face another day, so (1) you have a tremendous amount of strength, and (2) you have every right to vent about how it's affecting you because none of us can claim to know what you're going through. So please don't apologize. I've read and enjoyed a number of your posts in the past and they always showed some wit, humour, and intelligence. When I consider the fact that they were written under such circumstances, I appreciate them even more.

    I'm most concerned that you are not getting the support you need from your father. He needs to understand that you are dealing with more obstacles than the average young person and that you require additional help and understanding. Perhaps there may be an opportunity for some joint counselling to work this out with a professional.

    I'm also wondering if there may be some form of supportive housing in your community. In my region, we have non profit housing available for people with multiple disabilities. It's primarily for people who are capable of independent living but could use some form of support, either with counselling or assistance with some of the day to day activities. The rent is also geared to your income whether it is social assistance, part time employment, or some combination of incomes. It may also allow you to qualify for a pension or assistance if living with your family makes you ineligible.

    Also, a friend of mine lives with chronic non stop migraines. I don't know how he does it. He does meet regularly with doctors and he participates in pain management therapy and a support group. I hope your doctors are making the appropriate referrals and making you aware of any programs available in your community. If not, maybe you could have a chat with your doctor just to make sure you've got all your bases covered.

    As some people here know, I'm a big fan of Community Centres and Community Health Centres as a starting point to find what services, programs, and housing options are available in your community. They can be an excellent gateway to getting adequate support, confidential counselling, employment programs, and referrals to appropriate resources where you live.

    More than anything, I wish I could just reach through my computer tablet to give you a hug right now and tell you emphatically how much people care about you. I hate seeing a person being so down on himself because of a multitude of problems over which he has no control. Your father isn't listening to you and he's making you feel that it's wrong to talk about it. I'm sure he would feel differently if he was the one living with these problems. However, with that being the case, I hope you will consider looking into ways you can build positive support around yourself. You deserve it.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 12-Jul-2014 at 14:57.

  7. #7


    Wow. Thanks for all the kind words and support. I really needed that. Now to answer a couple of questions.
    - I do get money from the state but for what I get from them I couldn't event afford to rent a room. It's ridiculous really.
    - I have had help with anxiety/depression but have had problems there also. I needed a refill on a prescription because it was working and one of the withdraw symptoms was migraine and I already live with a constant migraine and now it was getting worse. I had an appointment and waited for over and hour and then they said they couldn't find the doctor because she left without telling anyone and could I come back tomorrow. I was frustrated but said yes. The next day.... SAME THING and the day after that... again THE SAME THING!!! Next day I had a fit and demanded to see a new doctor and get my meds TODAY!!!! I did.
    - I have thought about the guide dog thing before but I'm still not sure about it or not.

  8. #8


    Can I vent with you?

    While I'm not near blind, I do have a range of neurological issues that when you put them together, makes me feel awful. Some days it's so bad that I walk like I'm drunk (if I'm lucky). Some days I'm hollering because I'm in so much pain. I could go on and on. And then some days I'm perfectly fine. It's a freaking shame how hard it is to get disability in this country, and for what you get it's so small that you can barely do anything with it. Not only that, but you have to pay money to go to a doctor so you can apply. So you become disabled, you have to go to a doctor to get a word that you're disabled, then you have to wait for the government to turn its wheels (a year on average) so that you can get paid disability. It's unreal. And aside from all of that, who is going to hire some cripple who slurs speech and has awful brain farts from time to time? So you get stuck in a loop where you can't even help yourself and then we're told "Tough stuffin, muffin!!!"

    And on top of that, your dad is acting like that? How awful!!

  9. #9


    Hey, gnd,

    I just did some quick surfing on the internet about resources in Virginia. The first one is a general list with a description of services available for people with disabilities. The second is a list of housing services for people with disabilities who are able to live independently. The third has rehabilitation and counselling services for people who are blind or losing their eyesight. The fourth site is a resource list of mental health services which include advocacy and support services.
    Links and Resources | Virginia Housing Resources
    Virginia Department for the Blind and Vision Impaired - AFB Directory Profile - American Foundation for the Blind

    I realize it's quite possible you've already looked into some of these resources. I just think it's really important for you to have all the information and options available to make the best decisions possible. I would strongly suggest you meet with a counsellor, social worker or doctor to discuss your prospects and perhaps have someone act on your behalf. This would not only give you some long overdue support, but a good advocate can often make a difference in the care you receive in addition to other entitlements such as income and housing.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 13-Jul-2014 at 18:09.

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