I'd like to say sorry in advance, I just need to vent.
Ok, so I've never been one of those people who believes in good luck or bad luck. Until now. I'm starting to believe that if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. I've been asking myself "Have I been dealt a bad hand?" a lot lately. I wake up every day with good expectations and positive thoughts, only to step in a pile of shit soon after.
First off, my near blindness (2-3% vision in right eye, zero in left) makes it difficult to do the things I want to because I can't drive, which means I have to find a ride to go anywhere and that means it has to be on "their" schedule. It makes me feel like I'm a burden to them. Getting around in public is also quite challenging without help. People stare and some even laugh at me like I'm some kind of freak. You'd think that after 23 years, that part wouldn't bother me anymore but it does.
There is also my very bad anxiety and depression which is a constant battle every day. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach all the time and a lot of times I have a burning, empty feeling in my chest and I can feel my heart pounding most of the time.
Then, there's my headaches. I have had a 24/7 migraine headache for six months straight with no letup. Along with the throbbing, there is daily mild-to-moderate nausea and photosensitivity which feels like I'm being stabbed in the eye. I'm taking a medication for it but it only takes the edge off. The doctors don't know what it is yet but I think it's New Daily Persistent Headache Syndrome which if it is, there is no cure. Their advice? "Learn to live with it."
I still live at home with the folks because I can't afford to move out and have nowhere to go anyway. I'm lucky if I make $200 a month. I'm also very lonely and long for companionship but I've never had a girlfriend because of my social anxiety and more importantly because doctors have yet to find a solution for my E.D. and I'm ashamed of that. And I'm also weird because I'm AB/DL.
My father complains that he's tired of hearing about my problems and that he's tired of babysitting me and that I should just quit. This makes my shyness/social anxiety even worse because I feel like I can't talk to anybody. I don't know if he quit caring or just doesn't believe me. It's not my fault. I didn't choose to have these problems, and yet I'm being guilt-tripped?
All of this makes it hard to carry on. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel inadequate and like I'm less than a man. I don't how much more of this I can take. Why does all this shit have to happen? Can't something actually go right for a change?
I just feel all alone and need someone to talk to.