While padded on my way to the movies I seem to have reached a startling revelation. I found myself with a certain sense of freedom and hyperactivity that I have not experienced in years. Typically, I’m in an almost constant state of a nihilistic perspective; but for the first time in a long time, I feel that I’m free. Free from what exactly, took a bit of thought to pin point down to a more specific definition; but I feel right, like this is the state of mind I should have constantly, like I am no longer being held back. Not so much that a great weight has been lifted from me, but more along the lines that I am finally free from myself.
(Forgive me if I seem to be rambling on here; I’m typing this more for my own benefit than anything else, as I fear that this might be temporary, and I need to solidify this place of mind and ideas.)
I’m not sure if this was sparked by some sort of exhilaration out of wearing in public, but that doesn’t feel like an accurate definition. This feeling seems to come from facing a specific type of fear. The fear of being discovered. I’ve decided that I’m going to free myself from this fear…to an extent at least. I have no intention of becoming an exhibitionist, but I no longer have the inclination of being so deathly afraid of being discovered. I believe that my private life should be kept private, and that this secret of mine is nobody’s business but my own. I will do what I can to hide this secret, but not out of fear of rejection and oppression, but merely out of fear of having that awkward conversation that would soon follow its discovery.
From my current frame of mind I’ve begun to question specific inhibitions regarding what I had previously thought to be too reckless; such as buying onesies and footed pajamas. Right now I’m living with my grandparents while I attend college, and I’m about to move in with my dad as I transfer to another college near him. Living with my dad also, I have a step brother that doesn’t exactly have much regard for personal boundaries. I am 100% certain that my step brother will, on a regular basis, barge into my room unannounced, which leaves me at an interesting crossroad. Currently, what I’m considering is installing a lock on the door. Unfortunately, the lock would most definitely become an obvious sign that I have something to hide, and could easily spark investigation, from my dad, step mom, or step brother. The rest of how things might play out requires more specific variables that I can’t yet account for; but right now I’m inclined to allow my fear to dissipate beyond this point(should it ever reach this point), and face things head on. Right now I’m working a summer job as I wait for the fall semester, and I don’t have much time to indulge and enjoy the things I currently deem more extravagant, such as AB clothes; so, due to impracticality, that stuff is going to have to wait a little longer.
For right now, I’ve decided I need to tweak my system of keeping my stuff hidden. instead of going through so much effort to hide things in as camouflaged and inconvenient a hiding place as possible, I'm going to reduce it down to a system of lock and key. the new hiding places will probably be obvious that I'm hiding something, but keep from giving anyone the opportunity to give into the temptation to invade my privacy.
At the top of my list is a better way to store used diapers. Should I ever be discovered, I’d rather the topic not be focused on the fact that they found a used diaper. At the moment, I have a rather roundabout way of disposing of my diapers. When I wake up, I’m the only one at the house, and after I change out of my diaper, I chuck the used one in a Walmart bag, then chuck that in my car, and finally dispose of that in a trashcan next to a gas pump on my way to work/class. The problems with my current method are, that it is too reliant on my current specific circumstances, and restricts how often I can wear to only when I have an exit. What I need is a container.
Does anyone know of a container that is airtight, easy/practical to open, lockable (something like a key or combination lock), doesn’t take up much room, and is portable?
It doesn’t need to have much in the way of storage space, enough for 2-3 rolled up diapers would be fine; I just need something practical that I can use to at least maintain an out of sight, out of mind context for the normals out there.