First I want to say sorry for my abcence on adisc the past few weeks everything has just been so hectic.
So a couple weeks ago I asked to sit down with my mother and wife so I could talk to them both about what was running through my head. At that point I had been awake for almost 48hrs my depression was about as bad as its ever been I was up all night before this crying, contemplating how I wanted to "end it all", then something switched in my head( that's the best way for me to describe it) I knew I had to reach out for help, so that's when I told them I wanted to talk. After we talked I felt a lot better until when we were driving home and my wife and I were talking and one thing led to another, she slipped up and said she wanted nothing to do with my little side, so as much as it hurt I said fine. So after being together for 3 years and her knowing about my little side long before that, so when we got home and while she was busy I took anything that had to do with my little side and put it away and locked it up (only thing I really keep out is a couple stuffed animals, paci and a blanket) when she walked in the bedroom she looked around and noticed it was all put away and just acted like nothing was different.
Its now been almost a month since I put everything away and she has told me that the reason she said what she did is because its hard for her to see me as a husband one minute then I want to be a 2 or 3 year old when I play little, she said its hard for her. She said this not long after our conversion in the car, she "says" that she doesn't mind my little side and enjoys it sometimes, but she hasn't made any effort to show me that she cares about it at all in almost a month. Everything is still locked up, I took anything that she bought for my little side over the years and bagged it up and put it in the attic away from my other stuff because she just made me feel like anything she bought for me was because she felt like she had to not because she wanted to and really cared.
I'm now on a different anti depressant since the last kind was making things worse, I'm now on one called wellbutrin and a anti exitey( sorry if I spelled that wrong) medication for a week so far and now I just feel numb like I don't enjoy anything but I don't feel depressed either.
Only thing I still have a slight intrist in my little side because it has always helped with my depression and helped me fall asleep at night. Now if I can't sleep I have to take a sleeping pill or drink a little before bed, and my wife knows this and is perfectly fine with me having to deal with this. My original plan was to just be little when she wasn't around, but for the past three weeks I've only had a hr or 2 today that she's not going to be around so since its not really much time to play by the time I get everything out and the time it takes to put it away, I figured I would post here hoping Maby someone could give me some advise.
I just want to say that I love my wife dearly and would do anything for her, but it just hurts to have to hide my little side locked in a box to rarely ever come out when its such a big part of who I am. We recently had our aniversary and I bought her something nice and took her somewhere nice for dinner and all i got in return was a thank you and a happy aniversary, she didn't even get me a card. She works so she has money, I try to pay for everything because I work more and so she doesn't have to worry about it, but after everything she knows I'm going through she couldn't even get me a 50 cent card from the dollar store and write something nice in it.
My mother says to look toward the future and so does my therapist because I'm going to college in a couple months.
Sorry about my rambaling and bad grammer I just needed to vent and hope someone might be able to give me some advise.