Before I kick off this I want to go ahead and say I'm not suicidal but suicidal ideation occasionally touches my mind. It runs in my family but no one I know has ever actually killed themselves in my bloodline. I deal with intense loneliness and a very boring routine life everyday. I don't know why but during work I yearn for my off days but as soon as they come I find myself playing videogames simply to make time go by quicker so I can start working again. Addictive personalities run in my bloodline. Anything you can Imagine someone was probably addicted to it in my family. Drugs, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Marijuana, Adrenaline Rushes, you name it. Anywho, I hate working but I'm a hard worker I'll work like nobody's business till I'm nodding off the next day from work, however, I feel like most jobs lack purpose. I love my job but currently I hate working but it's all I know anymore is how to drown my mind in busywork to maybe convey a sense of purpose. It's rewarding very rarely for how hard I work with minimalistic gains . When I'm off work , I'm still thinking of work , when I'm asleep everything goes black and it's the only time my restless high strung mind is truely at peace unless I'm drinking a few beers. Which reminds me, I had a few tonight out of Depression. I know it's bad but I just felt so low and sad. I'm all alone, thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me or understands me, people in reality tend to be so self absorbed and I have self confidence/. Self esteem issues so I always freeze up mentally when talking to people I'm often noted as awkward. My hearts in the right place I just can't articulate Social things as well as those around me . So I often find myself as the quiet guy in a room or on weekends alone,depressed and drowning my sadness in a few budweisers to forget how much I hate my life. I know it's bad and sad to be ranting and going oh woe is me or what not but this is how I feel. I was dealt a shitty hand and frankly miss how simple things were and worry I'm becoming dependent on Alcohol to ease my nerves and Depression. I'm not going to kill myself but it feels better talking to you all about this relatively anonymously because any talk of this in reality would result in tremendous negative blowback both professionally and socially for me as a man.