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Thread: Dealing with Depression

  1. #1
    Misatoismywaifu

    Default Dealing with Depression

    Before I kick off this I want to go ahead and say I'm not suicidal but suicidal ideation occasionally touches my mind. It runs in my family but no one I know has ever actually killed themselves in my bloodline. I deal with intense loneliness and a very boring routine life everyday. I don't know why but during work I yearn for my off days but as soon as they come I find myself playing videogames simply to make time go by quicker so I can start working again. Addictive personalities run in my bloodline. Anything you can Imagine someone was probably addicted to it in my family. Drugs, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Marijuana, Adrenaline Rushes, you name it. Anywho, I hate working but I'm a hard worker I'll work like nobody's business till I'm nodding off the next day from work, however, I feel like most jobs lack purpose. I love my job but currently I hate working but it's all I know anymore is how to drown my mind in busywork to maybe convey a sense of purpose. It's rewarding very rarely for how hard I work with minimalistic gains . When I'm off work , I'm still thinking of work , when I'm asleep everything goes black and it's the only time my restless high strung mind is truely at peace unless I'm drinking a few beers. Which reminds me, I had a few tonight out of Depression. I know it's bad but I just felt so low and sad. I'm all alone, thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me or understands me, people in reality tend to be so self absorbed and I have self confidence/. Self esteem issues so I always freeze up mentally when talking to people I'm often noted as awkward. My hearts in the right place I just can't articulate Social things as well as those around me . So I often find myself as the quiet guy in a room or on weekends alone,depressed and drowning my sadness in a few budweisers to forget how much I hate my life. I know it's bad and sad to be ranting and going oh woe is me or what not but this is how I feel. I was dealt a shitty hand and frankly miss how simple things were and worry I'm becoming dependent on Alcohol to ease my nerves and Depression. I'm not going to kill myself but it feels better talking to you all about this relatively anonymously because any talk of this in reality would result in tremendous negative blowback both professionally and socially for me as a man.

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Farawayfromhome View Post
    Before I kick off this I want to go ahead and say I'm not suicidal but suicidal ideation occasionally touches my mind. It runs in my family but no one I know has ever actually killed themselves in my bloodline. I deal with intense loneliness and a very boring routine life everyday. I don't know why but during work I yearn for my off days but as soon as they come I find myself playing videogames simply to make time go by quicker so I can start working again. Addictive personalities run in my bloodline. Anything you can Imagine someone was probably addicted to it in my family. Drugs, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Marijuana, Adrenaline Rushes, you name it. Anywho, I hate working but I'm a hard worker I'll work like nobody's business till I'm nodding off the next day from work, however, I feel like most jobs lack purpose. I love my job but currently I hate working but it's all I know anymore is how to drown my mind in busywork to maybe convey a sense of purpose. It's rewarding very rarely for how hard I work with minimalistic gains . When I'm off work , I'm still thinking of work , when I'm asleep everything goes black and it's the only time my restless high strung mind is truely at peace unless I'm drinking a few beers. Which reminds me, I had a few tonight out of Depression. I know it's bad but I just felt so low and sad. I'm all alone, thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me or understands me, people in reality tend to be so self absorbed and I have self confidence/. Self esteem issues so I always freeze up mentally when talking to people I'm often noted as awkward. My hearts in the right place I just can't articulate Social things as well as those around me . So I often find myself as the quiet guy in a room or on weekends alone,depressed and drowning my sadness in a few budweisers to forget how much I hate my life. I know it's bad and sad to be ranting and going oh woe is me or what not but this is how I feel. I was dealt a shitty hand and frankly miss how simple things were and worry I'm becoming dependent on Alcohol to ease my nerves and Depression. I'm not going to kill myself but it feels better talking to you all about this relatively anonymously because any talk of this in reality would result in tremendous negative blowback both professionally and socially for me as a man.
    Let me start with the cliche phrase "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and mention that alcohol is never the answer.

    I understand completely where you are in that work is about all I have as well. While I love my job, it would be nice to have someone or something else to direct attention to, but that just isn't likely to happen. You may want to consider talking to someone, or trying to find a hobby that gets you outside and with other people.

    A few things about me to add some perspective. First, I'm 32 years old, and completely alone. I feel isolated all the time, and the very few friends I have are becoming less and less reliable as time passes leading me to further isolation. Second, I live in an area where there are other gay people, but most are either much older or much younger. The community in this area is very hidden, and not easy to become a part of leading to deep feeling of further isolation. Finally, and this is the big one, I have come to understand over the last several months and failed attempts to break out of depression that my life will likely end in suicide. Its not something I'm going to do today, or tomorrow, but my family is the most important thing in the world to me, and there are only 2 others left. The day my grandmother passes is the day I lose any reason to continue on this earth.

    I would never suggest suicide to anyone, but completely understand why people would choose to escape rather that continue suffering. Hopefully something in your life will change, and you will continue and live a fulfilling life. You're age says you're 22 years old, and there are a lot of experiences ahead of you. Before you give up completely, try to explore a bit and see what you can find.

    Best of luck. <3

  3. #3
    Misatoismywaifu

    Default

    I guess I'm frustrated because I'm in a rut, I was a little Drunk when I wrote that last night but the sentiments are not any less powerful because of that. I'm very Interested in hiking and there's some beautiful Mountains i want to hike but the brakes, battery, engine, everything is worn down on my car so driving out on the weekends to hike would break my wallet plus I'm always worried my car will seize up on me because I can't afford to take it into the shop. Things will get better for me I'm sure of it but this rut is driving me insane. Alcohol isn't the Answer but I can see why it's so prevalent amoung society especially with all that's wrong in the world.

    Hang in there to you too friend. Although I'm not Gay, I can imagine it must be hard being the only individual you know dealt a hand like that sometimes.

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