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Thread: a little lost...

  1. #1

    Default a little lost...

    Hey everyone, lotusflower here... i need a friendly face right now

    finding it very hard to post or talk to anybody. Feeling very stuck. Got a doctors appt (again) in a few hours. I've spent months thinking about what i wanna say. But now its close... i'm scared. I haven't posted much because i don't wanna drag you all down. I'm really struggling though. I've always encouraged people to be themselves. But with me in my little town, it seems near impossible. I just wish i could be me .

    The result of my silence? Sleepless nights, hypnic jerks, nightmares. I only eat 1/2 a meal a day for months now. My careworkers aren't listening. I even considered a hunger strike recently to show my distress. Desperate measures. I just wish they would listen. I really need a hug. I just feel so alone .

    I really want to go back to the lotusflower you all first met. i don't enjoy feeling down. I'd love to show everybody that person i can be. But.. right now.. i'd like a helping hand. I will attend my appointment sleep deprived. Wish me luck!

    - lotus flower
    Last edited by LotusFlower; 02-Jul-2014 at 05:56.

  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by LotusFlower View Post
    Hey everyone, lotusflower here... i need a friendly face right now

    "..."..."..." i'd like a helping hand. I will attend my appointment sleep deprived. Wish me luck!

    - lotus flower

    Consider me on board, LotusFlower!

    I haven't been at my best either lately, but sometimes it just goes that way... I'm afraid I'll have to read back on some of your posts, to recall what might be going on with you... or, you could remind me...

    No one enjoys feeling down... otherwise it'd be a non-issue... You certainly don't need to be your idea of the perfect you... just do the best that you can at each moment, and know that you are among friends... whether up, or down, or anywhere in-between...

    Your helping hands await you...
    Good luck on your appointment!


  3. #3


    Hey Marka

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling the best either We're all human and can't always be at our best. I was planning this thread as a continuation of my 'doctors appointment' thread, but it was closed and couldn't post on it. So sorry if it didn't make alot of sense! Posting at 6am in the morning after no sleep probably didn't help too much either.

    A thread like this is probably better suited to the 'mature topics' section. It's all gender related though and i've felt more comfortable to post it here.

    My appointment yesterday had positives and negatives. Not getting along well with my careworker at all, Which kinda sucks. It's not that i'm rebellious or non-compliant. Over the years i've worked with doctors, nurses, councillors, CBT therapists.. I've even taken part in research studies and a year of an 'experimental' new therapy which was interesting. But with my careworker there have been numerous occasions where she has left me upset and distressed, feeling alot worse after appointments then i did before them. She can be nice enough on a personal level, but in her line of work i'm not always sure she handles things in the right way.

    On the positive side, i have options now.*CBT for my anxieties, they also have a psychologist in their team, and they are referring me to a gender specialist too. Woohoo ! . I know i'm not out of the woods yet by any means.
    But at least now i know things are in motion. Before this i was beginning to feel kind of hopeless. I was concerned without things changing i'd still be here a year from now in the same place. I've learnt through difficulty in the past, I can't expect to just wake up one morning and life to be different. Time for positive actions!

    Over the last few months i've not been eating or sleeping. Because i haven't been talking or letting my feelings out it's all been coming out in very vivid dreams, some of which are gender dysphoria nightmares. I could probably make an entire thread just on the topic of dreams. I've been losing interest in my hobbies - writing music, reading, i was discovering a new passion for cooking too! It's quite the joy. In terms of work? I have a confession to you all, i've told you all a white lie, i have worked in various shops or teaching, but it's all on a voluntary basis. I've never had a paid job . Sometimes in life i do really well, at others, im almost housebound. It's very difficult for me to work full time with those problems. Voluntary work helps me feel a little more 'normal' and like im giving something back for the support i get, aswell as building skills and confidence too! The reason i'm confessing this now, it's just to explain my current situation. I'm only working 1 day a week. And I'm spending 90% of my time at home with my thoughts recently. Which doesn't help much. Tine for some radical lifestyle changes. I need to start kicking lifes ass again .

    Sorry again my posts are always hugggeee. I've been a little too emotional recently to contribute here on ADISC in any constructive way. But hopefully now, that's all going to start changing! Time to start having some fun again .

    If anyone made it this far, thank you for reading. One day i might learn how to make a short and concise post for a change. Lol. Anyways, thanks. Bye 4 now!!

    - Lotusflower

  4. #4


    I'm sorry to hear that things are rough. My wife and I spend most of our time home sitting in the house. We find things to do and seem to have a routine. I guess routines are good if you like what you're doing, but after awhile, life gets a bit boring. Typically, we'll be spending the 4th of July by ourselves while two of our kid's families will be at the family cottage in Canada. Our daughter and family are having his parents over for the weekend. Anymore, this is what always happens for almost every holiday. We feel a bit abandoned.

    I'm probably not in a good place to have any good recommendations as yesterday, my wife and I watched the movie, "Shudder Island". Now, there was a lot of bad psychological help! So I guess things could be a lot worse, both for you and the rest of us.

    I try to find things to do to fill up my time, and hopefully, things I enjoy doing. I'll go out on the bike trail with my bike, and I read. I listen to music and sometimes make music on my keyboard. I go out walking, and my wife and I will go out to eat, or go to stores. Unfortunately she has had some serious health issues, so we spend a lot of our time sitting in doctor's offices. It's so wonderful how they make you wait and wait before they see you. Apparently they believe that patients love to wait. I guess we do because that's how we spend a lot of our time.

    So life sucks for many of us. Don't let it do that to you if you can get out and do something that you might enjoy. Join a book club and better, write your own story. Take up music lessons if you can afford them and an instrument, or go for a walk in a beautiful park. It would be best if you had a friend, someone you could do things with. I think that makes all the difference.

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