Basically I'm worried about my future.I have high functioning asperger syndrome which has caused me issues all my life, but I wasn't diagnosed officially until I was 35 earlier this year although autism was suspected when I was a child.It causes issues at school and I have had a very hard time with employment and have never managed to hold down a job very long and my employers haven't exactly been nice about they way they have dismissed me.This has caused resentment and depression that has affected my attempts in other jobs and also means bad references with them all meaning future employers don't want to know.I just had a really bad experience with an employer and now I just cant do it anymore, I have no will or determination left after being knocked back so many times.
I live on my own and the only reason I have survived financially is by help from my mother, otherwise I would probably be dead or homeless by now.Now shes retiring soon, but may be much sooner to care for her partner who will soon need constant care after heart surgery.
I just don't know how I'm going to survive without her help and shes the only family member I have left after my father died and my brother is disabled and cant work and lives hours away.I just feel alone and isolated and don't know how I'm going to survive when shes gone as the government just don't seem to care.Everything I do to try to preserve my future just backfires and leaves me worse off.
This gets me down more as somebody with aspergers as I find it hard to make friends or a girlfriend whom I could confide in times of need.I see all my facebook friends doing well with their jobs, happily married and posting picture of their kids all happy and enjoying life whilst my life just seems to collapse around me and leave me with nothing and nobody.All I ever wanted is just a normal life and to feel cared for by somebody, but I cant relate to anybody.Despite my facebook friend I only have 2 real life friends, but I hardly see them as they're busy with their families and although I'm happy for them it kind of makes me feel more alone.I have started drinking hard spirits heavily and smoking again even though I have a heart condition also because I just don't care anymore and don't even feel like getting out of bed.I tried counseling before but it didn't really help and I waited over a year just to get 6 sessions.
I just feel life has nothing to offer me anymore and I'm all burned out trying and failing and facing a future alone with nobody to turn to.